Dorian Gay
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Dorian_Gay is an Epic Lolcow This page could get a bit TL;DR |
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THIS PAGE IS BEING WATCHED BY ENEMIES OF THE LULZ. BEWARE OF BUTTHURT REVISIONISM. |
Much like how in prisons, there are people that even the rapists, murderers, skinheads and pedophiles won't have lunch with but are too scared to shank, IMDb’s own humble cesspool of brain-dead spergs and Christopher Nolan fans (as well as brain-dead spergs who are Christopher Nolan fans) also has that one group of guys. That, gentle reader, is the Horror Board. But wait! It turns out, even amongst this wretched hive of scum and villainy, there’s a freak even these degenerates can’t stand. The gentleman’s name is Dorian_Gay.
Dorian_Gay, aka "Jzombi" aka "Kimberly_Shaw" and "Nancy_Grease," is a fat, 40 + year old (no joke), troll-shielding, attention-whoring homosexual Canuck with no friends (also no joke) who embodies stereotypes about fanboys on the internet to such an extreme that it is damn near fucking impossible to exaggerate, and sadly, difficult to verify because he erases his posts even faster than it takes him to cum. Having shitty taste even for a horror fan, Dorian calls anything made before 2000 “old and boring” and pretends to enjoy remakes and torture movies (like August Underground, Hostel, A Serbian Film) in a vain attempt to look edgy (although despite supposedly liking twisted shit like that, he considers routine 80’s slasher movies offensive and misogynistic), while also trashing new releases in an equally vain attempt to not look “mainstream”. He also is in love with Colin Farrell.
Dorian attributes his unpopularity on the forum to a vast conspiracy against him by studio executives (seriously). Having been trolled for this, Dorian recently tried to re-invent himself as a l33t, meme-spouting dudebro troll and began using phrases like “epic fail” and “rustling jimmies”. Basically, he’s the equivalent of a saggy old white dude wearing bling and a backwards baseball cap.
Oh wait, that isn’t his equivalent, because he actually does that too.
Crouching Troll; Hidden Crybaby
At first glance, Dorian would seem to be a successful troll and making an ED page would be giving him what he wants. However, Dorian is not a troll. Trolls care about only two things: Getting a response (of any kind), and the lulz. Real trolls thrive off angry replies, love “call-out” threads and laugh off any “witty” insult they receive.
Not so with Dorian, he actually cares about the stupid crap he types and the responses he receives, with him throwing epic shit fits if people don’t agree. If his topics go ignored he either deletes them in anger or re-makes the same thread over and over, sometimes spamming the board for as long as 10 hours straight (and there have been longer sessions) to get people to reply to his stupid 15 word plot summaries “movie reviews”. When all else fails, he tries the old “LOL I TROLD U!!1!” tactic in order to save face, even if the only person he trolled was himself. All of the anger he causes is purely unintentional. The really funny part is that, when not raging about being unpopular, he acts like a stereotypical gay sitcom character, calling everyone “darlings” and trying to be everyone’s “Older Gay BFF” with pathetic, but obviously total sincerity. To Dorian, the word “trolling” is what the word “parody” is for Sonic OC creators; a cop-out for when he fucks up.
As a result of his bullshit, most of the board has him on ignore. However, although he likes to think the reason is because of his biting wit, the real reason is because he posts so damn much no one can find new topics. In fact, some think he’s a spam bot. Dorian gets so mad about this that he goes around bumping old threads made by popular users to clutter up the board, so that even people ignoring him will be forced to acknowledge his presence, in the vain hope they will take him off ignore and reply to his threads about how the heroine of the Fright Night remake was more assertive than the one in the original.
Oh, and while that may sound like a clever tactic for boards which have an ignore function, Dorian didn’t come up with it; he stole the idea after trolls did it to him, which made him run crying to the Information Board begging the mods for help.
No Accounting for Tastelessness: The Reviewing Saga
Even among a bunch of people considered freaks, Dorian doesn’t fit in. Most horror movie fans are split into three camps; fans of the 20’s-late 70’s, fans of the late 70’s-early 90’s and early 90s to today. Dorian, however, only watches horror from the 2000's and considers anything else “too old”, acting like films from 1989 (he hates the 80s) are “ancient” and grouping them with films from the 20s. Despite supposedly loving 2000’s crap, he condescendingly refers to fans of older movies as “Millenials” (Wouldn’t "millennials" share his tastes and hate old movies?). Because of his suspiciously constant use of that particular word and hatred of older films, trolls quickly accused him of being a kid.
In order to prove them wrong, Dorian did a complete 180 in June 2014 and started obsessively writing site reviews for old horror movies in a moronic attempt to look cultured, giving high ratings to old 1930s films that you’d think he would find boring and claiming they were lifelong faves of his. Also, even though he bitches night and day about how he hates 80’s movies, the vast majority of his reviews are for films from that era and are mostly positive or apologetic, even for shit like Halloween 5. He has actually been caught changing his ratings after people pointed out contradictions to what he says on the board, but without changing the reviews themselves, resulting in hilarity like films he trashes getting 9 stars.
Even better, if you read his reviews of 1930s-40s films, they are amazingly phony; mostly made up of production history and unnecessary info about shit like the run time with no opinion offered, meaning he probably never saw the films and just copypasta’d info from Wikipedia and slightly rewrote it.
Even if these reviews are legit, they show how big a hypocrite he is (he clearly does like 80’s movies, he’s just mad that people ignore his topics about them), as well as how bullshit his claims of being into hardcore torture films are since it’s clear that he can’t even handle something as tame as the original Friday the 13th without shitting himself. In fact, he thinks that just playing a slasher villain means you deserve to die violently and made fun of an actor’s death in a review (“Live by the sword, you die by the sword”), as if he was talking about a real serial killer.
By the way, Dorian began “reviewing” in June, and as of July 30th, he’d written 90 of these things and filled up nine separate pages, reviewing as many as 10 films a day. And up until October (and this isn’t counting the dozens he deleted after people called bullshit), he’d written 362 reviews and showed no signs of stopping.
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The first version of his Alien review... -
...and the second. -
Hardcore torture porn fan my ass. -
...Seems legit. -
Dorian obviously copied his Son of Frankenstein review from this. -
Dorian really believes that a cheesy slasher flick from 1980 is beloved by Irl serial killers. -
"Those damn kids today and their slasher movies!--I mean, those damn kids from the early 80's and their slasher movies!". Holy fuck he is old if this is true. -
He hates the 80's and slasher movies, but loves the single most iconic slasher film from the era and all of it's shitty sequels. Okay.
June 2014: Paranoia Strikes Deep
Shortly after the review debacle, Dorian, perplexed at how his valuable insights had gone unnoticed, arrived at a sane, logical, and reasonable conclusion for why he was unpopular:
He also surmised that Tom Weaver (the author of several reference books) must be behind it too because a few users had mentioned his books and he had never heard of them. Dorian unsuccessfully tried to get the mods to delete every popular user on the board and went around “reporting” hundreds of posts (some of which really did get deleted because the mods are dumbasses).
In desperation, Dorian then went around “exposing” threads by typing “Market Research: Pass” on all topics he could find about pre-2000 movies, some of which hadn’t been replied to for a year, meaning that the idiot was actually giving these threads MORE attention. Sadly, none of this was recorded, because the mods finally listened to his reports about a spammer flooding the boards and assumed he was said spammer, deleting all of his posts. Dorian was so mad he threatened to kill himself.
Although Dorian would later try and claim that this was all calculated, intentional trolling on his part and he didn’t really believe what he was saying, it was obvious at the time he was 100% genuine, and the fact that he would continue to bring this up months afterwards, including on other boards, in “friendly” posts and through sockpuppets, shows he still really believes it.
July 2014: Dorian loses It
Crazy as the previous incidents were, the fun was just beginning. People who had never visited the Horror board came flocking in to see this glorious train wreck. Trying pathetically to hide himself, Dorian changed his name to Jzombi, and his avatar to Jambi from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, even though his reviews and posts on other boards were still up. Trolls decided to let him lay low though, afraid of scaring off the guy who was rapidly becoming IMDb’s Chris-chan.
And then, come July 19th, the prodigal son returned. Stupidly having thought he’d lost his trolls, Dorian cozied up to the Music and Soapbox boards, and posted selfies (now lost, sadly) in a “Post a picture of yourself” thread, revealing himself to be an obese, middle-aged, penis-faced slob wearing “gangsta” attire. Then, making an even bigger mistake, he started a thread whining about how his gay lover of 3 years on Facebook had left him for a woman.
Information in this thread confirmed that he rarely leaves his house because of social anxiety, had only met his partner once IRL, gets welfare, binge-eats when depressed and has no IRL friends. Although efforts to locate Dorian’s Facebook or his ex’s failed, the thought that Dorian is disgusting enough to turn a gay man straight after one meeting was immediately seized upon by trolls, especially since our hero never bothered to mention if his ex was Bi. Although Dorian’s selfies and most of the break-up thread were deleted, user mulletkid100 was smart enough to screenshot the first part of Dorian’s rant, where this supposed “feminist ally” spouted off instant classics like “vagina makes up 78% of her bodyweight” and “I bet she’s skinny”, all of which became running jokes.
Dorian, of course, threw an epic hissy fit, and went around making angry “call-out” threads nonstop until early August. Dorian’s longest recorded session was 33 hours, with his biggest break during that time period being ten minutes. Finally, trolls threatened to screencap Dorian’s behavior and post it to various sites, which caused him to panic and delete all his posts on August 6th. He then came crying back on the 11th, begging the Horror Board to forgive him. Keep that in mind for what would happen next.
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Some of the preserved parts of the thread. -
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Recollections of the 33 hour meltdown. -
A description of Dorian by someone who saw the selfie. -
Dorian's selfie, found at last! Handsome devil. -
An apology. Yeah, a real master troll we have here.
The Great November “Takeover”
Still paranoid that the “market researchers” were out to get him, Dorian completely lost his shit in October when the Horror Board held its annual “October Challenge”, a shitty contest with no real rewards (or rules) over who can watch the most movies they haven’t seen before. While the Challenge is pointless, it’s easily ignorable, and because the focus is on seeing movies you haven’t before, it usually leads to people discussing recent films, which is what Dorian claimed to want. Instead, the crybaby bleated like a castrated goat about it, making “snarky” comments that wouldn’t hurt the feelings of the most thin-skinned special snowflake on Tumblr, and again ran crying to the mods (Noticing a pattern?) to make them delete Challenge-related topics as spam. The funniest part about this is that only a handful of users take part in the Challenge, and most of their discussions are confined to one big ass thread. Even better, Dorian was 'reviewing' as many as 10 films a day during this month, more than even the most dedicated Challenge participant. After this, he mostly kept quiet during the latter part of the month, partly because of the threat of getting trolled again, and partly because to a drama queen like himself, such a silly little contest was too intimidating.
Inevitably, Dorian got curious about the glamorous troll lifestyle, and began looking up info. Sure enough, like a 13-year old boy who just discovered 4chan, this supposed old world intellectual (now calling himself “Nancy_Grease”) was soon spouting off bro talk, memes and calling people “spergs” and “betas”, claiming to have an account on 4Chan where he “ran the place like the big house” with “an entire cabal of hackers” at his beck and call. He also claimed to be straight and that his previous “darlings” persona was all an act.
Sadly, the right person was watching this time. Boki_Dellamorte, a 30-year old Loveshy and troll with a ridiculous Rick Astley haircut, saw Dorian and realized potential. Boki made a bunch of accounts for the two to use and began bumping old “What movies have you seen/bought this week?” and Challenge threads (even though the Challenge was a month over) non-stop. Boki allowed Dorian to take credit so that the board would look bad being trolled by such a well-known idiot. The two actually fucked up the board pretty bad for two weeks, making new accounts every hour, and Dorian seemed to be getting the hang of trolling. But, being Dorian, he eventually shot it all to hell.
First he admitted that he was only one of two trolls, completely destroying the illusion of his “cabal”. Then, he began using the other accounts to compliment himself while simultaneously expecting people to believe these socks were legit. Even sadder, well-known trolls from other boards decided to join in, but left when they realized “Nancy” was a bigger lolcow than any of the boarders. In fact, the boarders retaliated by starting the Challenge all over again, writing in a parody of Dorian’s “reviewing” style, which caused him to rage quit and cry to the mods again. Eventually, user Matheny85 reported the socks and all of them got wiped except a few, the fact that they hadn’t been reported earlier showing just how little anyone cared about this “takeover”. Even funnier, most of the accounts that didn’t get wiped were Boki’s, meaning he basically set Dorian up as a fall guy.
Throughout this debacle, Dorian accused the people who he didn’t think were “vendors” of being no-lives who post too much. Consider that Boardreader regularly records the most frequent posters IMDb boards get, and that on average, even the #1 poster has less than a hundred. Check out his post count, consider that this was only when “Nancy” was getting started, and that “rickstew” is his sock puppet…
Also, despite still having an account left after the wipe, Dorian hasn’t continued his “takeover”, showing that he needs losers like Boki to get up the bravery to troll. What’s really sad is that his surviving account, hardcandy8, has been around since 2006, separate from his Dorian_Gay account. While some wondered if this meant he was a troll after all, it begs the question of why he didn’t do this before despite knowing how or why he spent 6 years trying to be popular. Even if he was a troll, that makes him even more pathetic than if he was genuine. He did make two vaguely troll-ish threads with this account after the wipe, but both were pretty much ignored. Since then, he mostly posts on soap opera boards and occasionally on the Horror Board, where he legitimately participates, proving once and for all that he was never a troll. Why, one may ask, does he keep coming back? Because without having the Board in it in some way, his ‘life’ has no meaning.
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The silly little contest that snowballed into IMDB's biggest shitfest in years, note how the users revived it to mock Dorian. -
The highpoint of Dorian's life. -
At one point, Dorian was making 200 posts within a six hour period. -
Rickstew, Dorian's favorite sockpuppet. Some argue he's not a sock and just a mentally challenged man practicing his ABCs who Dorian keeps prisoner. -
Poor Rick, he can never practice enough. -
Dorian hits over 500 posts in a single day. -
The sockpuppet that accidentally exposed Boki's role. -
Dorian's post count grows. 'No life' may be an overused insult, but not here. -
Not even trying to hide that it's a sock. -
Dorian's last account standing. -
The only real trolling Dorian has ever done, still fail.
Fail in less than Five Hours
Apparently, “not making an ass of myself, getting trolled and pursuing some butthurt revenge scheme” wasn’t on Dorian’s New Year’s Resolutions list, because just like a housewife who insists her husband only beats her because he loves her, Dorian found it impossible to stay away from the Horror Board. After months of peacefully sperging the day away on the General Hospital board where he was welcome, the stupid fucker tried to get into the board's good graces again on February 14th by making a thread where he pretended to be a fan of what was formerly his most hated franchise; Friday the 13th, acting like he was worried about the direction the new reboot was going in.
Only one person, a troll, responded.
Believe it or not, Dorian didn’t chimp out immediately. All was quiet until February the 17th, AD. 2015, when War was beginning. Dorian suddenly registered a bunch of accounts named after the letters of the Alphabet, again bumping deleted threads to clutter up the boards. Once again though, the board was ready for him. The boarders simply modified their user preferences to only display recent threads, making it impossible to see all the threads he bumped.
It soon turned out that Dorian, eager for revenge against users Matheny85 and Goosehoundv2 for getting his posts deleted, had been stalking them, reporting their every post to mods for stupid reasons, and several other users also mentioned receiving warnings from mods for things they didn’t do. So yeah, even in this instance, when Dorian really was intentionally trolling people without help, he still was whining about what a bunch of big meanies the boarders are.
After hours of creating new accounts based on more letters, Dorian got wind of the boarder’s new tactic, so he started making new threads, all of which talked about how much of a badass troll he supposedly was and acting like the November Takeover was some major victory for him, the mods, all on alert because of his relentless reporting of his enemies, saw his threads bragging about trolling, and deleted all of them. And unlike the previous times, wherein he went crying to the mods pretending to be the victim, he can’t now, since he’s now established himself as a “troll”.
So once again, Dorian himself fucked up his own plan, but this time in less than five hours.
By the way, since this whole incident and all the interaction he had with his enemies took place with Dorian using sockpuppets and not once using his HardCandy8 account…no one bothered to say anything to him on that account, meaning that after that huge hissy fit, his F13 thread still has only one reply, and do you think the boarders are going to want to accept him after this?
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A is for Assclown. -
B is for Butthurt. -
C is Cretin. -
D is for Dumbass. -
E is for Excruciating stupidity. -
F is for Fucktard. -
What is it with Dorian and ABCs anyway? -
The boarder's Final Solution to dealing with Dorian.
Enemies
*“Summer”: A “skinny bitch” with a “stripper name” whose “vagina makes up 78% of her bodyweight” according to Dorian, whom he hates for stealing his e-boyfriend away from him. Efforts to locate her failed, but don’t doubt for a moment that Dorian still rages against her night and day. He probably thinks she’s a ‘market researcher’ and ‘vendor’ too.
*Jimb14red: One of Dorian’s arch nemeses, even though he has probably done the least to Dorian of all the Horror Board users. He is usually the board’s #1 poster and was formerly the one who mades the ‘What Movies Have You Seen This Week?” threads, which drove Dorian insane even though every board on IMDb with enough traffic has the same thread. He once unintentionally trolled Dorian by derailing his thread to talk about The Karate Kid, proving that despite being a “normal” user, he’s still better at trolling than Dorian ever will be.
‘Jimbo’ is famous for not using the ignore function, although he eventually made an exception in Dorian’s case because he seriously thought that Dorian was mentally ill. Since it was his threads that Dorian and Boki primarily bumped and flooded the board with, Jimbo encouraged people to put himself on ignore until it all blew over. Ask yourself, would a “market researcher” so desperate to advertise that he uses a shitty sub-forum and whose whole business model is shaky enough to be threatened by one user really do that?
*Tromafreak: The board’s second biggest poster, usually. He is a big fan of Troma films. It was believed for a while that Dorian only went after him because Boki told him to, but evidence has turned up suggesting a deeper grudge, greater even than Jimb14red.
Apparently, Tromafreak had outed Dorian as Kimberly_Shaw, a former friend of his who had tried to unsuccessfully be "hip" and drove all his friends away with edgy behavior like making Casey Anthony jokes years after that was funny. Because of this, Dorian devoted weeks of his time and energy during the “takeover” to talking shit about him, setting up literally dozens of accounts with brilliant “parody” names like “HomoTroma” and “HomoFreak”. We’re sure Tromafreak cried himself to sleep over them.
* “Alias”: A troll who changes his name weekly but always retains the “Alias” part. He’s documented most of Dorian’s meltdowns. He actually tried befriending Dorian at one point by responding to his topics, but gave up when he realized how full of shit Dorian’s reviews were, mocking them and thus sparking the review “saga”. Although Dorian calls him “a loser who watches old monster movies”, Alias is well-known for having trolled the shit out of the Avatar board (they still rant about him to this day), exposing indie film shills and seeing rare films at the Library of Congress, which means, loser or not, he has accomplished every goal Dorian has failed at.
* Matheny85: Another 'monitor' of Dorian's activity, and the one who reported Dorian & Boki's socks to the moderators. Dorian stalked him for months without any direct confrontation, flagging his posts for "IMDb rule violations" that he didn't even break, causing him to receive warnings from the idiot mods and have posts randomly deleted. GoosehoundV2, another unsung hero of the "takeover", and who nicknamed Dorian "Jizzbomb" also reported similar incidents.
*Tom Weaver: Tom Weaver is an acclaimed, award-winning film historian and author of multiple books on horror movies like It Came from Hollywood, I Talked with a Zombie, Poverty Row Horrors and shit-tons of interviews. He is a go-to-guy for DVD commentaries and has appeared in several documentaries. In short; he’s a contributing, notable human being with a career.
So, because this poor guy’s name and books have come up on the board once or twice, Dorian, who never heard of him (making it impossible for Weaver to be ‘famous’ in his eyes) seriously thinks he’s the chief mastermind behind the “market researchers” and that he gets kickback for covering all these old movies, even though nearly all the movies he covers are from decades-defunct studios and in the public domain. The funniest part about all of this is that Weaver has no idea who Dorian is (because he actually has a job), and unless he joins IMDb, probably never will (and for Dorian’s sake, he better not).
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What Jimb14red really thinks of his "mortal enemy". -
Tom Weaver, clearly the greatest criminal mind of our time. -
"Summer", in all likelihood. -
This random guy here has probably been more malicious towards Dorian in this post than a single one of the above people. -
Troma's account of things. Note how, even though he claims Dorian was always a troll, Dorian still sounds butthurt. -
Matheny85 mentions Dorian's stalking.
How to Troll
- Start a topic about any pre-2000 horror movie when he’s online.
- Praise any aspect of the original Fright Night over the remake, but especially Chris Sarandon over Colin Farrell.
- Start a topic praising slasher films, and watch this supposed torture junkie bitch about misogyny more than a Tumblr feminist whose boyfriend broke up with her.
- Pretend to be an old user who hasn’t posted in a while and wonder what became of “that Dorian guy” who was always bumping threads about what movies were bought, and pretend to assume that HE must have been the one doing market research. His head will explode.
- Joke about how he turned a gay man straight and link to the screenshot.
- Claim to be the “leader” of /b/ or something, tell him he’s a hero to your users and invite him to join, whereupon he will be torn to shreds by actual trolls. (Pro Tip: Just wait, with his ego, this may eventually happen all on its own without needing anyone’s intervention)
Conclusion
Dorian is an old, pathetic, fat little man trying desperately to be young, which he thinks makes him an endearing “wacky gay guy”, but instead makes him come off as repulsive and creepy. He constantly re-invents himself to fit in and fails; From a sassy old queen who gives advice, to loving all the rap music and torture movies the kids are into, to a cultured gentleman who likes vintage cinema, to an innocent victim of trolling, to being a L33t dudebro troll mastermind. The one time he was ever liked by anyone, his Kimberly_Shaw days, were ruined due to his own 2edgy4me activities. His attempts at troll-shielding have had the opposite effect, and his solo attempts at "trolling" have crashed and burned. Why does he continue? Because he knows deep down that the “takeover”, wherein he sleep-deprived himself for weeks to be Boki’s personal Trevor Slattery was the high point of his life and can never be topped, and he wants that "feeling" again.
Which is why we at ED have decided to dedicate this page to his great accomplishments, because, surely, if he was a troll godfather who has a “hacker cabal”, he would love getting all this attention, and not throw sleep-deprived hissy fits for weeks and threaten suicide, right? Ha, you can practically hear his tears hitting the keyboard.
See Also
- Cinema Snob
- Robert Stainek –Dorian’s only rival as sockpuppet king
- Chris-chan
- DrMusic2
- Onigojirakaiju –Another monster movie-related aspie.
- AVGN –He actually does like old horror movies
- Monica Punk –Pretty much a younger, female version of him.
External Links
- Reviews of Fail
HardCandy8 - Dorian's lone surviving account
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