Kevin Havens
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Kevin Havens thinks ED currently owes him AT LEAST $61110000 for not taking this page down.
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
See Kevin's masterpiece, A Tribute to Daphne, over at YouTube!
Kevin Havens (alias casperghostboy, casperg1977, Beetface) is a 47-year old sick fuck from Virginia Beach, Virginia who became the subject of multiple threads on SomethingAwful that have been archived into the Comedy Goldmine. The original thread can be viewed here, and the recently-created fourth thread is here.
Kevin was discovered by a friend of SA Forum Goon Kaptain K who was doing research on sex dolls and stumbled onto Kevin's blogs. He would forward the links to Kaptain K, who immediately saw the comic potential of it and started a thread on SA that would quickly become epic and spawn additional threads for the next several years.
At first Kevin seemed to be just some retarded Mac user who liked fucking sex dolls and didn't know that it wasn't such a brilliant idea to post that information on the internets, along with every fucking mundane detail of his private life. With a little bit of detective work, the Goons found out he was something far more hilarious. He more or less became Something Awful's Chris-Chan, what with being an aspie dollfucker and writer of horrible songs and fiction.
Kevin, upon finding out that the Goons were having much lulz at his expense, went "BAWWWWW" like a crybaby and tried to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING, but he wasn't as 1337 a h4X0r as he claimed to be and his efforts proved fail. He just encouraged further trolling and the lulz snowballed.
What in the fuck is wrong with him?
Kevin is best known for having statuephilia, aka being a dollfucker. He claims to have Aspergers, but we all know there's no such thing. His beet-red complexion is likely due to a combination of high blood-pressure from ingesting tons of caffeinated beverages, alcohol, and junk food every day. It's doubtful he is red-faced from shame. He's evidently been found to be fucked-up enough to receive disability checks for it, which he constantly considers spending on fuckdolls.
—Kevin Havens: Your tax dollars at work. |
As for the NOTism claim, his blogs and posts do indicate he's nonetheless maladjusted and prone to obsessive behaviors. You can also check out his Doll Forums posts here, just search for casperghostboy.
As it is, his condition is self-diagnosed. Self-medicated, too.
— Kevin Havens. If it's on the internets it must be true! |
Before making his claim of being an aspie, Kevin was throwing around the term "schizoaffective", meaning he had a mixture of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, which explains both his impulsive behaviors and delusions. To have him explain:
— Kevin Havens. His damage has been brained. |
Kevin didn't seem to take issue with the professional diagnosis until the day he self-diagnosed himself as an Aspie. Since then he has denied being anything besides an aspie or a "high-functioning" autistic, as can be seen by this Doll Forum post. He can't be all that high-functioning, seeing as he does not even possess a GED.
Still, Kevin displays obsessive and repetitive behaviors similar to autistics, and his interests are extremely limited. He is obsessed with fuckdolls, the movie Mannequin, the TV show Small Wonder, Linux, the band Squeeze, ThinkGeek, Food Network, and... that's pretty much it. Seriously. In thousands of posts and dozens of blogs those are the main subjects. Aside from occasionally bitching about his girlfriend or people he suspects of conspiring against him, those are the only topics of discussion that exist in his mind whatsoever.
It is clear that Kevin has mental issues, and should be on a shit-ton of meds. He's stated on his blogs and posts that he hears his dolls speaking to him, and he speaks back to them. In fact, he goes so far as to insist they tell him that they want their own website, argue over which operating system is the best, and insist that he signs their names along with his on all of his forum posts and e-mails.
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He's spent a lot of the last few years in various dollfucker forums, asking about everything from how he could go about building his own fuckdoll to where he can buy cheap clothing for his dollies. He often says he's asking on one of his dolls' behalf. The poor fucker also believes the old meme "All your base" is still funny.
His heroes include Davecat and Gordon Griggs, celebrity dollfuckers since they appeared in a BBC documentary about dollfucking and some others. View Guys & Dolls here.
He also writes horrible Mannequin fanfiction.
The Journey To Love
Kevin's Mannequin/Weird Science fanfiction was discovered late in the second SA thread and lulz returned with a vengeance. It inspired an Awful Audiobook and spurred the posting of the third thread, The Journey To Love: A Dollfucker's Fictionalities.
The absolute best part of Kevin's internet output aside from blogs is his fan fiction... several different versions of the same basic story “The Journey To Love”... about fucking a mannequin.
It would practically require a whole other article to truly encompass the utter fucked-upitude that is on display in these stories of his. TJTLv3.0 thru TJTLv.7.0 all tell essentially the same story. In them, Kevin is an intenet-addicted loser who lives in a group home who one day gets a mysterious message from Chris Difford (from the band Squeeze), who in Kevin's alternate reality runs a dating service of sorts that pairs male failures with mannequins that magically come to life.
The mannequins then turn into women who are in every way the mens' feminine ideals, and they have unlimited resources such as money and whatever else can possibly be called for. Kevin gets Alexa, and his friends (based on Kevin's IRL "friends") get magical mannequin-women as well and they all go on crazy group dates and have wild, beer-and-cigarette drenched parties. The plot also includes laughably shallow villains (based on Kevin's IRL "enemies") who want nothing more than to break the heroes and the mannequin-women up, for no other reason than "just because" generally.
Okay, basically what you do here is take the movies Mannequin and Weird Science and replace the heroes with psychotic, hyperactive autistics and give Kim Catrall's bimbo character from Mannequin some of the powers from Weird Science. Keep in mind this story is written by an aspie, so every little motherfucking detail you never even considered would wind up in a story does! Everything they buy and eat and watch on TV and wear and listen to on the stereo and whatever other mind-numbingly mundane thing that can be included in there is!
And as for TJTLv8.0, it is in and of itself somehow more fucked-up than all of the previous versions combined because it happens to be autobiographical, not a "fictionality" like he would refer to the others as. In TJTLv8.0, Kevin goes into detail about how his mannequin fetish and dollfuckery came about. He also sperges at great lengths as to how events in his life would end up shaping his previous stories. Then he goes on about how he met the love of his life in Kat and how he lost his virginity to her, how she once attempted suicide, how they got engaged, and how from that point on he would never again think of dolls or mannquins. Yeah, right.
His Musical Career
Kevin also had an imaginary band (yes, imaginary) with his friends at the time and his brother at one point, singing the songs Weird Al wouldn't dare... mainly because he'd be far too ashamed to dabble in such utter crap.
"You have entered the realm of... Kevin Havens' Redux Machine!"
Reduxtion is a mixed bag of songs about his obsessions with computers, the loli from Small Wonder, Squeeze, and his hatred of behavioral health care services.
Tiffany Brisette's 45s and Under is dedicated entirely to the loli from Small Wonder. To emphasize further, keep in mind these are songs written by a man who would have been 25 years old at the time of writing them and they are about a 10-year-old girl.
The KHRM Christmas Album is more Squeeze covers riffing on computers, the internet, and cybernetic loli. He also throws in a song about missing his hated father and an incomprehensible story about Christmas shopping.
Kevin's Harem
For more information than you could ever possibly want on Kevin’s dolls, refer to the page Kevin Havens/Kevin's Dolls.
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CGBWife #1: Alexa Tilbrook. -
CGBWife #2: Daphne Holland. -
CGBWife #3: Andrea Difford. -
Andrea without the wig.
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Lazer? What's a lazer? -
Watch out, Kevin! She's chargin her lazer! -
Yes, he put glasses on her.
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Kevin and his favorite busty torso. -
Kevin and his first wife out workin' the farm. -
Kevin may have made one of these. And then fucked it. -
He wasn't "her" first either. He buys "refurbished". -
By Kevin. Daphne's ID. -
By Kevin. Goons can bite his ass. -
CGB_Wife #4: Nicki Wilkinson. -
A bit of a fixer-upper... -
Tiffany is the white one, not the "spicy latina".
Kevin’s dolls are central to his life, more so than friends, family, Squeeze, and Linux put together. He has owned 6 dolls and a mannequin so far, and has constructed elaborate backstories and personalities for each and every one of them. He actually believes that his dolls speak to him. He says that they give him ideas and encouragement, kind of like that Son of Sam guy and the dogs.
The dolls are basically manifestations of his feminine ideals. The personalities he attributes to the dolls come into existence before he even owns the actual dolls. He mulls over what sort of doll the personality should be incarnated as, usually a $7000 RealDoll, and then when reality hits, he starts looking for bargain second-hand dolls since he can never be expected to save up the money for a genuine RealDoll.
His first notable doll, Alexa, was given to him free by a member of The Doll Forum. He eventually broke it, and was able to get over it quickly because soon afterwards he met his fleshy girlfriend, Kat. He moved in with Kat, and started doll shopping again even though he had mentioned in posts and his story that he would never again feel the need for a doll. He made up Daphne’s personality in his head, and then bought the first doll to come up for sale that he could afford. This doll became the central figure and influence in his life and quickly replaced Kat as his most beloved.
He would go on to buy Andrea to satisfy his mannequin fantasies, but he would later have to put it in storage because it creeped Kat out. Unsatisfied with the limited amount of sexual activity he could have with it, Kevin would ask Kat if he could have another doll. She gave in and said he could have one if he got rid of Andrea completely, which he did.
Kevin’s next doll would be in a state of disrepair, but he bought Nicki on impulse since it was being sold for only $100 and was silicone. Nicki lasted only a few months before breaking down beyond repair, so Kevin chopped it up and threw it away, and once again bugged his real girlfriend about getting yet another doll.
Kevin’s next doll, Tiffany, would be the first one he would own that wasn’t already used. He also made up the story that it is Daphne’s sister, thus fulfilling perhaps one of his other fantasies.
Kevin and the RealGirl
In spite of being a dollfucker, Kevin had a rare chance not to die alone. In addition to his dolls, he had a "RealGirl" named Kathryn Gage, star crossed lovers really. She is unable to move on her own, just his type, and she probably felt unlikely to do any better in the Man Department than a retard who fucks inanimate objects like her. At one point they were afraid of her being pregnant since giving birth would probably kill her. She also employed Kevin as her caretaker. Basically Kevin changed her diapers, bathed her, and ran errands for her. They lived off of her disability check and survivor's benefits and he was paid for living with her, bringing in about $30,000 a year. He explains the arrangement in this Doll Forum thread.
Kevin claimed that she shared his interest in dolls as well, but Kevin's brother would later mention on SA that Kat had no interest in his dolls, hated them even, and only put up with it because she felt Kevin was the best she could possibly do.
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He quickly got engaged to his "RG" by luring her to a YTMND page featuring Captain Picard saying "I believe you have my N-Gage", though, they never got around to marriage because her survivor's benefits would be cut, their Social Security status would change, and he wouldn't be able to continue getting away with being paid to live with her.
It wasn't love at first sight, mind you. In the Version 8.0 of his autobiographical wish-fulfillment epic The Real Journey to Love he poignantly describes his first impressions:
But why shack up with a real woman? What's in it for Kevin besides a place to live, food, and occasionally sex? Kathryn had signed him as her beneficiary. That meant that upon her death he would get a shitload of money, at least enough to buy a coveted RealDoll, which is exactly what he intended to do. He swore that when she died he'd never be with another real woman ever again. Never EVAR. The doll he'd get would have been made in Kathryn's likeness. Only it wouldn't be crippled, and it'd be slim with big tits and totally hott, so to speak.
But alas, things would not be so perfect. For Kevin, Kat's death couldn't come soon enough. In spite of knowing full-well that living with Kat would be a lot of responsibility, Kevin would still bitch about taking care of her while turning around and showering his dolls with gifts. Eventually Kevin would tire of doing anything that he didn't want to, which was anything besides sperging out on the computer or talking to and fucking his dolls. At one point he hit her, which he would admit to in a chat on The Doll Forum...
Kevin On Domestic Abuse
— Kevin on beating his wheelchair bound meal ticket. |
The Smokerchip Document
A group of concerned net denizens, including members of The Doll Forum and Goons, assembled as the Smokerchip Group in order to document Kevin's state of mind and abuses towards Kat and would then send the compiled information to a number of agencies in Virginia. It is a very detailed document, but much less TL;DR than this article.
Click here to view The Smokerchip Document.
His Family
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Would you let your sister wind up like this?
Kevin currently lives in Virginia, originally hailing from Florida. His dad is dead and was in the Navy, which may somewhat explain Kevin's constantly declaring "No Homo". He has a sister who is actually a juggalette, and somewhat approaching normal considering, despite her brother.
His brother used to troll IGN like a motherfucker and would get blamed for all the stupid shit Kevin himself posts on there. He's actually a pretty cool guy for what it's worth, and he recently came forward on SA about Kevin's behavior, posting as jtotal. It was from Will that it was first learned that Kevin had brain damage as a child, has acted like a spoiled brat his entire life, and that Kat is a drama queen.
Little is known about their mother, other than her uterus produced an astonishing amount of firstborn failure.
Kevin's brother speaks!
Through this very article Kevin's brother learned about what was going on with Kevin and teh internets. Kevin's brother joined Something Awful and discussed what it was like growing up with Kevin as jtotal. The drama can be read by clicking here!
Kevin's brother basically tells that everything Kevin says about anything but dollfucking and wasting money is a fuckton of lies. He also lets it out that Kevin is a raging pedo who constantly touches himself when nothing else is available, among other things. No lie.
— Will Havens (jtotal). |
A White Knight Appears
About the time Goons started to feel more pity than outrage about the whole situation, a Canadian dollfucker named David Hockey appeared on the scene. He was so butthurt over the Goons' treatment of Kevin that he wrote an angry letter to Lowtax, comparing them to the KKK and threatening legal action on Kevin's behalf. Lowtax promptly posted transcripts of the e-mails in the thread telling Hockey to go inflate his E-lawyer and the Goons now had at the very least double the number of dollfuckers to laugh at. Hockey claimed to be a documentary producer researching the dollfucking phenomenon. Hockey has duly earned himself his own separate entry due to the sheer magnitude of his fail.
He tried to build up Kevin's ego, and Kevin tried to grow some balls.
— Kevin Havens. What. |
Dave's continued misbehavior has not only earned him an entry on ED, but a thread on SA where he gets to be the star of the show. Click here for Dollfucker's Travellogue. Kevin briefly became best buddies with Davey and his butt-buddy, another dollfucker named Pit_Viper (who has turned out to be a not-so-bad guy). Hockey would eventually get too embroiled in scandals over at The Doll Forum to bother with Kevin anymore, and Pit_Viper would eventually come to realize what a worthless douchebag Kevin really is.
Epic Insanity Ensues
Kevin has become even more schizophrenic. He was spending all of his time dicking around and posting on The Doll Forum as himself and his dolls. This is actually common behavior on that forum and therefore nobody told him to stop being such a ridiculous, spergin' fucknut. He was also wasting enormous sums of money buying energy drinks, electronics, and clothes while claiming the items were for his dolls. This meant he and his real, living, breathing girlfriend were reduced to eating cheap, microwavable crap and were constantly worried about paying rent on time. Instead of snapping out of his crazy haze and sacking up, Kevin continued holing up in his filthy room, scarfing down junk while listening to Squeeze and masturbating to doll porn as the silicone sisters watched on. And he continued ignoring his girlfriend Kat, until one fateful day...
It is unclear as yet as to what exactly transpired on May 09, 2010 between Kevin and Kat in their (Kat's) apartment. All that can be gleaned is that at some point he hit her again and she declared them broken-up and that he would have to leave, taking his dolls with him. She posted on Facebook that he had hit her and they were broken up. Meanwhile, he has evidently gone to a cheap motel and has continued posting on The Doll Forum, as himself and as Daphne of course. What he and "she" have announced is that he has MARRIED his doll Daphne and that the break-up was all Kat's fault. He has declared that he no longer wants anything to do with real women ever again and that he has found Shangri-La now that he is alone-yet-not-alone with his dolls. No doubt the people in the next room over had to listen to the most one-sided honeymoon in history throughout the night of May 11, 2010.
At any rate, Kevin is currently unemployed as Kat's caretaker, no longer has a full SSDI check on which to live on, has no friends or family to turn to, and is rushing to find a cheap one-bedroom apartment before he runs out of money and is forced to wander the streets from wi-fi hotspot to wi-fi hotspot with his dolls in tow, pleading for help from the internet.
In June 2010, Kevin finally went to a shelter after selling some of his crap and putting the rest, including the dolls, in storage. He is supposedly going to get help, but who knows how well that'll work out.
May 2013, Kevin and his dolls have returned on Twitter and Facebook. Interestingly, all of his dolls have their own fb pages, and they all talk to each other... Kevin claims to be married to a doll now called Jessica Havens, which seems to have made his first love, Daphne Holland a bit jealous.
Links
- Website for 2013
- The Something Awful Forum Thread- "Images of Loving: A Dollfucker's Blog"
- SA Forum Thread- "Images from the Road: A Dollfucker's Travellogue". Kevin makes a guest appearance.
- NEW!The Journey To Love: A Dollfucker's Fictionalities. His THIRD SA appearance!
- Kevin's MySpace Page.
- One of his dolls' Myspace page. No shit. He made that.
- He spends a ton of time here...
- ... and here.
- In fact, here's a list of his ramblings on The Doll Forum.
- Another Yahoo group.
- Hockey's Doll Chronicles site.
- Kevin's DevianTART Page- He must have forgotten he even had one.
- Kevin's YouTube Page.
- On Amazon.
- On IGN.
- Kevin's fubar page. Buy him a drank, yo.
- His Twitter. Yes, he used that pic.
- Bebo.
- His MyYearbook page. Yes, he used that background.
- Kevin's archived blog
- His band's site... and his songs' lyrics.
- Kevin's opus, The Journey To Love.
- Am I sick?
Here are all the known links to his literary madness.
- The Journey To Love.
- The Journey To Love v3.0- About half of the story is made up of references to Professional Wrestling.
- The Journey To Love v3.16- The continuation of TJTLv3.0.
- The Journey To Love v4.0, A "Fictionality" based on the Squeeze album East Side Story (Subtitle: Mannequin Three - The Journey To Love).
- The Journey To Love v5.1 - 80 pages- Includes many Final Fantasy 7 references.
- The Journey To Love v6.0 - 100 pages.
- The Journey To Love v7.0 - 50 page Mannequin homage.
- The Journey To Love v8.0, aka The REAL Journey To Love.
- The MOVIE SCRIPT adapted from TJTLv5.1
- He even made a Revision History doc! Two of them, actually.
NOTE: These blogs are cached and as such may be shuffled around. A few of these work some of the time, but by no means all of them.
- A download of Kevin's old WordPress blog.
- "I can be your best friend or I can be your worst enemy."
- "Jacob Spindler, you just got PWNED by me, Kevin "CasperGhostboy" Havens."
- "Guess what everybody? Imma dollfucker!"
- "The "About Me" section, but moar detailed!"
See Also
- Kevin_Havens/The_Smokerchip_Document
- Kevin Havens/Kevin's Dolls
- Asperger's syndrome
- Aspierations
- Victim complex
- David Hockey
- Peter Coffin
- Pit_Viper
- Statuephilia
- Something Awful
- Realdoll
- Russell Greer - Illegitimate brother?
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  [It was a dark and stormy night...]
Kevin Havens is part of a series on FanFiction | |||||||||||||
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Kevin Havens is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article March 17, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by Akmal Shaikh |
Kevin Havens | Succeeded by Vampire |
