Rob Ford
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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has plenty of pussy to eat in heaven! |
Boss Hog, also known as Rob Ford, “Toronto’s Warren Buffett”, RoFo, and “Rob ^FUCKING Ford (#RFF)” was the mayor of the City of Toronto, bitches before his untimely death on March 22, 2016 of causes totally unrelated to crack. Ford had been known for controversy in the past, having been arrested on DUI and Marijuana possession in Miami and arrested due to allegations by his wife of abuse. Regarding the latter, it is believed that charges were dropped after he beat some sense into her. Apart from being genetically closer to a pig, Ford will be remembered as a "complicated man". In addition to easily out-slobbing the likes of Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh combined and rivaling Rick Perry and Herman Cain for stupidity, he also comes from money thanks to daddy's stationary company. As the Mayor, Ford has used public money to buy over-priced stationary supplies from the Ford Family company for the City of Toronto.
Ford could often be seen driving home from work around 2:30 while talking on his cell phone. The vanity plate on his minivan read "RobFord" while the one he got his wife reads "BeatMe".
Ford was a joke candidate in the City of Toronto Mayoral Elections 2010. But he surged in the polls after convincing enough of the non-English speaking doctors and engineers who drive Toronto's cabs and the growing suburban crack-head population to vote for him because he was fat, "like you'll be some day, or probably are now." Moreover, out of a sense of pride regarding the history of Toronto (formerly known as Hogtown), Etobicokians sealed the deal for Ford, the closest thing to an actual pig on the ballot. Although RoFo was the Mayor of HogTown, his (slightly) thinner brother, Doug, controlled his every move from behind.
Since elected mayor, RFF has he been mired in all sorts of lulzy situations. Like the time he missed TorontoPride, the biggest gay-fest in the world, because he preferred to celebrate it privately by getting fisted by brother Doug and some guy at the cottage (Why won’t Rob Ford go to gay events?). Or the time that someone got a picture from his self-porn collection and put it on the front cover of local trouble making publication Now Magazine. RobFuckingFord is also known to go to department stores in his PJs, which is actually fine, as long as he was just popping by while stoned to get some munchies and lube.
Despite the thought of Rob Ford having the opposite effect of Viagra, many reputable Blogs have been erected in his honour, such as Fuck Rob Ford and Rob Ford Watch. In at least one lulzy case, Ford insisted that the blog was too amazing and requested it be removed. Traces of this blog have been captured by the inter-web for all to enjoy, but more back-up caches wouldn't hurt.
In November 2011, it was announced that Rob Ford would play a cameo as a nad-munching pig for the Toronto Ballet's production of the Nutcracker.
Campaign
Ford was Herman Cain before Cain stopped delivering pizzas. Uncle Rob changed his campaign mid-stride to take on an even more controversial approach and running with the new slogan "Wife beating racist drunk for Mayor"
Despite the Canadian Socialist Media attempting to hog-tie the would-be mayor with truths of racism, homophobia, being anti-cyclist and generally being a prick, the Boss eventually came out on top, thanks to repeated calls to pass the gravy. Unfortunately, Ford was not able to find any gravy once he became Mayor, except strangely all over the back of his underwear. But it was reported that he had his snout in the trough himself. Ford, having believed his own pot-dreams that Toronto City Hall was corrupt under former Mayor David Miller, decided that he wanted to get in one the action himself. An audit into Ford's campaign financing was launched in May 2011, alleging his family company may have funneled cash and toothless prostitutes to help his campaign. It was also revealed that Ford racked up a total of 483 election infractions resulting in a (mere) $13,000 fine. While this may be expected to occur for a campaign run by numerous toothless prostitutes, infractions are infractions. However, not being known as someone who'd pay for his own energy drinks, let alone a socialist tax on the motivated, he avoided paying the fine.
To welcome Ford to office, Canada's most famous performance clown, Don "Finger-bang" Cherry, gave a wine-drenched speech that properly set the tone for Ford's term in office. Because he was a little too drunk to properly pull it off the first time, a dramatic reading of the speech was commissioned by the Kanada's socialist media to properly document this important moment in Canadian history.
Service Cuts
Torontonians were shocked that once elected, Ford reneged on his promise that he would find wasteful spending (i.e., gravy) without cutting any services. In fairness to Ford, he didn't actually expect Torontonians to fall for it. After all, would you believe a man that looks like he would molest your child but is too stupid to do it at night in a secluded place? Exactly. Toronto voters: Fail!
Occupy Toronto
BossHog's disgust for all things polite and anti-capitalist led him to despise Occupy Toronto crowd. Also, being a staunch opponent of books, he detested the Occupy Toronto library, which was described as possibly the best Occupy library in the World. Despite wide acceptance by regular Torontonians, BossHog signaled that the immaculate camp at St. James Park would be ripped up and discarded so that dogs could return to crapping on the grass and kids go back to playing with used needles laying about. This lead to a stern warning from Anonymous
Bookz
Despite having never read one, Ford apparently believes that books are evil and should be banned from Toronto schools, and that public libraries should be shut down. Ford eventually backed down on cutting Toronto's libraries when he was reminded that "lie-berries" were actually his favorite fruit as a child. Nevertheless, he still hopes to one day catch and properly deal with famous Canadian book-writing witch, Margret Attwood(aka Le Poodle), who had the gall to write some man hating Canadian classic novels,about activator and jherri curls. To accomplish this, rumors are that Ford is privately lobbying Toronto Police Chief, Bill Blair, to bring back laws that make it lawful to burn witches. However, Attwood reports to not being concerned because the Ford brothers don't actually know who she is.
Homeless Policies
His distaste for homeless people got him to thinking that all shelters should be destroyed as they cause bedbugs for the people who are warm in their vagina's. Therefore, anyone caught advocating for shelters, or rooming in one would be, in Ford's own words, subject to "a public lynching."
Transportation/Suburban Utopia Plan
Ford's early plans included, controversially, the removal of all streetcars and bike lanes in the city. This was planned to be finished in the first week of duty.
On February 8, 2012 his fatness lost a big vote to make new subways all over the city and his attempt to bankrupt the city failed.
His election campaign also included the removal of all sidewalks as they were an impediment to cars and SUVs. However, after becoming elected, RoFo "vision" expanded and came into sharp focus with the call for Toronto's own monorail (What's it called? Monorail!) that in his words was "going to be running on the lake, stopping at the Air Canada Centre, at the Dome - then going down Cherry Street. Cherry Street will be lined with cherry trees and have European-style outdoor patios along it. Then you'll stop at two mini-towers - they could be hotels or residential or office space." But that wasn't all. There would be a megamall, a boat-shaped hotel and the <gosh darn> biggest Ferris wheel in the world. It was later reveled that these plans dated back to the dream city his mommy always told him he could live in one day, and one that he had modeled extensively in SimCity. Unfortunately, the vision-less socialists in the Toronto City Council had apparently never played SimCity and voted down the Frod Bruthers' plan.
Graffiti
Toronto's history of street art includes, but goes well-beyond hastily scribed fag tags and urine writing on alley walls. Ford, having declared his distaste for anything artistic, quickly called for graffiti removal program. The costs for mandatory city-staff removal were to be charged back to the building owners whether they were (s)he was the unwitting victim of graffiti or the proud owner of a piece of commissioned outdoor art. In response, a flurry Ford-inspired street art appeared to fill the void. The City changed the its direction, launching a new plan scheduled for 2012 that would enable building owners to commission city-vetted street art. Reports are that Ford as Humpty-Dumpty will not meet approval as the City is already over-quota for this theme.
Work and Immigration
Realizing he can capitalize on ignorance and racism, the BOSS is brilliantly using campaign posters based on his previous statements. “Those Oriental people work like dogs” The BOSS states; he continues with a comment on the quality of their rugs. To further his suburban gentrification plan Boss will “close the door” on immigration in Toronto and enforce that all restaurants only serve meat, potatoes, donuts and breast milk. Furthermore, it is reported that he is inspired by Israel and former South Africa bus services that prioritizes "God's true children, the white ones" (that speak English). Also Rob Ford HATED muslims he was against immigration of those camel jockies. He did however like having a few around to laugh at them when he was high on crack.
Tough Love
When scolded by a mother and child for talking on his cell phone while driving, Ford allegedly gave the finger to the two, "in a mean way". The indecent is reviewed fully in this rap video. Really.
During an interview where Ford was pressed on a lie he told, he changed the subject, alleging that the interviewer called him a “Fat Fuck”. Despite being true, the Boss lost it.
Ford is against all forms of gay sex that do not include him and a pair of goggles. He is upset that the G20 protesters were destroying the city before he could and wishes the police would have used more force when dealing with the socialist hippies.
To ensure that Toronto is run like the US during Dubya’s America he also plans to ban all marathons and cycling activities with the hopes of transforming Toronto into the fattest city in the world. His plans include transformation of all city parks, starting with Saint James Park, to make room for fast food restaurants and soylent green processing plants.
Socialist Media
Is there any other kind? Well either way, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) sits firmly atop the pile.
For example, on the day following Ford's election victory, an unscrupulous CBC reporter actually had the gall to interrupt a football practice where he was scoping out young hotties, to ask him some questions. Luckily, he outsmarted the reporter by shouting out commands to his boys and mumbling something about gravy instead of answering her live questions.
In another incident he was approached by government employed, non-comedian Marg Delahunty for a few words. Instead playing it's game, Ford called 911. But he didn't just call 911 reportedly shrieked at the operator "You … bitches! Don't you fucking know? I'm Rob fucking Ford, the mayor of this city!" Ford later denied calling the operator "a bitch", but admitted to planning to change his license plate to "RobFuckingFord" after he figured out how to make it fit. This lead to a staunch denunciation from Keith Olbermann (skip to 2:30).
Death
Ford succumbed to cancer on March 22, 2016. The new Ghostbusters were spotted at the hospital, eagerly awaiting mayor Ford to slime them. Nobody noticed Ford's death, because of the Belgium bombathon on the same day.
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See Also
| Rob Ford is part of a series on Soviet Canuckistan [Expand]
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| Featured article March 25 & 26, 2016 | ||
| Preceded by Jeff Weise |
Rob Ford | Succeeded by TayTweets |
