Suicidal Failure
A Suicidal Failure is someone who is so inept at life that they even fuck up killing themselves because they are in such an emo, attention whore state, convinced on proving something to someone, that they don't want to take enough time to do the research necessary to get their Final exit right
The Queen Of Suicidal Failures: Katie Stubblefield
From hot to not in the time it took to pull a trigger.
Katie Stubblefied was your basic High school Klinger that was ready to put on a wedding dress the first second a boy she liked said he loved her and this is how she was with the boyfriend she found her Senior year.
Not even out of High School they were picking out China po patterns and weather to have a Wedding singer or DJ.
On March 25, 2014, like a psycho snooping bitch, Katue got ahold of her boyfriend's phone and found messages to other girls.
After his reply of, "It's over you psycho, stalking bitch" Katie decided to go into her boyfriend's house, take his .308 rifle, lock herself in his bathroom, put the rifle under her chin and pull the trigger in the ultimate act of LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. YOU MADE ME DO THIS. Fucking idiot didn't know that to for instant death, you put the gun's muzzle IN YOUR MOUTH, aiming at an angle that hits the back of the skull (the brain stem)
Katie came to light as an internet star in 2018 when National Geographic did a documentary on her face transplant.
Opinions are split about her receiving the transplant with the overly religious saying that she should not have been allowed to have the second chance of a new face and be forced to eat from a face that looks like a vagina as G-D's punishment. Other more Liberal minded people see the operation as a miracle of modern science despite Katie's new face making her look like Stewie from Family Guy.
Suicidal Failure Methods
- Acetaminophen: Survive taking too much of this over-the-counter pain drug and you may need a new liver. Problem with this drug is that it is in almost everything that is in the Cold And Flu Aisle so it is easy to have an accidental overdose if you're a cry baby hypochondriac.
- Iron Overload: Few know that the mineral iron can actually be a poison. Failure in this suicide can damage the liver leading to transplant, damage the GI track making it so you have to shit in a bag and also causes the breakdown in cellular membranes, proteins and DNA. If your really intent on doing it this way, eat a polar bear liver. You'll be dead in under a weak.
- Hanging: the lack of oxygen to the brain can turn you into a vegetable if you're found too late/too early depending on your pov.
- Jumping: you could always land on someone killing them and facing manslaughter charges but the worst that can happen is you get bad luck and end up not jumping at sufficient height or catch an updraft and wind up like Christopher Reeve and have to blow through a straw to move your wheel chair. For your information, you will accelerate at 30 feet per second per second (or about 3 stories more each second); if high enough, you will reach terminal velocity: about 120 mph. Jumping from the 30th floor of a building gives you a lot of time to think before that sudden stop
- Water: You can literally drink yourself to death. Fail and you will damage your heart and kidneys.
- Gun/shotgun: 2 words, Katie Stubblefield. Seriously, you can miss and blow off your face or even a side of your head.
- Fire: Think you have the balls to pour gas all over your ass and light a match? Although this can be effective, a lot of people fail and now they look like Freddy Kruger
- Jumping in front of a train: a lot of people have fucked this up by miss timing the jump. What happens is they hit the ground and the train goes right over them missing their torso and head, but cutting off legs and arms. The worst part is that you'll be too out of it to ask the doctors to just let you die.
See Also
External Links
| Suicidal Failure is part of a series on Dying Alone
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