Jhonen Vasquez
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Warning! JHONEN VASQUEZ IS RESPONSIBLE FOR KATY, AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CANCER THAT IS KILLING /B/. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION. |
John Vasquez is a comic book artist, known mainly for Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and the millions of goth 16 year old boys just waiting to gobble his knob, even though he hates all of them and regrets everything he's ever done. He reminds us of this every chance he gets. He seems to take great pleasure in bitching about his success. Tons of goth 16 year old girls and 13 year old boys like to wander around malls and harrass people in what they imagine is a perfect emulation of Vasquez's trademark absurdist sense of humor. In reality, it is just loud and annoying, and these children should be summarily murdered.
Jhonen's style is copied by several artists, including Van Gogh and Shakakuskeeper. Also he's a dirty Mexican.
Invader ZIM
Nickelodeon also regrettably asked him, of all people in the freaking world, to make a children's cartoon series called Invader ZIM. The main viewership consisted of Jhonen's previous fanbase posting shitty slash fanart and fanfiction, all of which finally led to Vasquez committing suicide by repeatedly stabbing himself in the ear and painting a giant mural of Happy Noodle Boy on the wall with his own blood. This caused Nickelodeon to cancel Zim, thus causing millions of fangirls to commit copycat suicides. Good riddance.
Other Works
In additon to Invader Zim, Vasquez's works include:
Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: about a man who kills people for being assholes. Which might border on cool if he didn't have to have a long-winded and wordy speech before and/or after each one. Incidentally, the main character has the name most fans assume Vasquez's parents were going for but mispelled on his birth certifcate due to drunken apathy.
RATING: Best Comic Ever!!!!!!!!111 (that is if you're a 13-year old boy / 16-year old girl ).
Squee: a spin off of JTHM wherein a little boy makes friends with the son of Satan, gets abducted by aliens, ignored by his parents, and screams in terror at practically everything.
RATING: Meh...
I Feel Sick: another spin off where Devi, Johnny's one-time girlfriend, fights the same hellish monster thing that he did, except instead of a giant tentacle monster, she goes up against a doll version of herself. Mostly emo tripe about not letting corporations fuck with your art.
RATING: Shit
Fillerbunny: a spin off of Squee (seems to be a thing with him, huh?). About a adorable bunny who's get tortured for three fifteen page books. That's it. This one was done for the fans who couldn't wrap their minds around Vasquez's usual work. After all, pain is universally funny. He reverted back to his standard "I have a message about corporate fuckery" schpiel in the third volume, but saved his ass by putting in Aborto the Aborted Fetus as a main character and friend of Fillerbunny. After all, abortion is universally funny.
RATING: Shit
The Bad Art Collection: Vasquez's laugh in the face of all that is. A shitty collection of shitty strips printed on shitty paper in a shitty size much too large for anything useful, the B.A.C. is Vasquez's proof that not only are his fans complete dipshits, but that he has reached the level of fame that he can produce an utter pile of shit and still cut a profit.
RATING: Shit
Everything Can Be Beaten: a humble children's book where a delightfully cute little creature has a sound and family-friendly adventure in a land where unicorns eat trays of cupcakes with pink frosting under a rainbow with fairies dancing around it. Strangely enough, Jhonen didn't actually do any of the art, but rather wrote his own hellish version of a children's story and handed it to some other guy nobody cares about to do the painting.
RATING: Shit. As you can see, the only thing that is keeping this piece of shit from living in a cardboard box is the legion of adoring bisexual, "dark and misunderstood" fangirls and boys that buy his overpriced pieces of paper and fap to his shit works. GOD BLESS WHITE AMERICA!
Jellyfist: The newest and least original of his works, Jellyfist genuinely has no plot, focusing on crack addicted schlong-like characters and hobo infestations. It would almost be worth buying if it weren't for the size 4 text to the side of the page, which provides a commentary (literally) to every single comic. Much like Everything Can Be Beaten, some don't consider this an actual work of Jhonen's because he didn't actually do anything except scrawl incoherent concepts onto scrap paper and jam them into the face of Jenny Goldberg, who promptly penned a blood contract to become his bitch until the Cubs win a World Series or the Marcabian attack fleets invade Earth, whichever comes first.
RATING: Absolute shit, only to be read while stoned.
How to piss off Jhonen Vasquez
- Misspell and/or mispronounce his name.
- Ask him to hug you.
- Come within 10 feet of him.
- Show him your latest Zim and Dib slashfic.
- Give him a compliment on his work.
- Call him a Goth king.
- Smile around him.
- Refer to yourself with the title of "Invader". For example, "I am Invader McFangirl!"
- Spam "Doom" every 8 minutes on his instant messenger.
- Mock him for being a college dropout - a COMMUNITY college dropout, at that!
- Complain about Nickelodeon canceling Invader Zim.
- Remind him to draw more Johnny the Homicidal Maniac comics.
Doing just one of these things results in him throwing a shitfit and thus causing much lulz. Also you can Die from Jhonen's attacks.
Professional Life
For a period of time, Vasquez was chairman of the board. Agent Gabriel reports that in a review meeting, he blocked up the staff toilet. "Oh!" Even the great Jhonen Vasquez, everywhere he go, he make a stink!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo
Due to a sturdy number of autobiographical comics, yet no mention of any interpersonal relationships of any kind (save for Roman Dirge being his best friend), it's safe to assume they are gay lovers. As Dirge explains in something or other, they met after Slave Labor Publishing hooked them up at the company picnic.
Dirge, author and illustrator of Lenore, the Cute Little Dead Girl and Peter the Pirate Squid, on the other hand, has mentioned his girlfriend on several occasions, even drawing her into a few of his "Things Involving Me" strips, but the anal stimulation machine featured in the second of these is proof enough that if he does have a girlfriend, she is only a cover lover
You can often find Dirge posting in his Livejournal or complaining about his horrible life on his Myspace blog when he's not selling his original Lenore artwork for a Million dollars so he can feed his addiction to traveling or booze. It is thought that Roman picked up the addictions after he was not loved enough by Jhonen.
Jhonen Vasquez a meme?
It has been reported by valuable sources that Jhonen Vasquez is actually a forgotten meme.
This could also be further proof that Jhonen IS INDEED a CP-hoarding /b/tard.
External Links
- Dude has a Livejournal. What, you're surprised?
- He Twitters too! OMG!!
