Satan Claus
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—Traditional Americunt Xmas song | ||
Twas the night before Christmas 2008, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that Santa soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums hollow point bullets danced in their heads.
Santa Tony Stark Claus, howevar, had different ideas. Claus, aka Bruce Jeffrey Pardo, was a merry old man who gave Americunts something they had been missing all year; a massacre. Unlike past years, when America celebrated in style, 2008 had been relatively corpse free (except for bankers and real estate agents who jumped from windows after W accidentally the whole economy). Mr. Claus -a devout Christfag- usually volunteered to serve as an usher at his helLA church's Midnight Mass during the festering season, but this year, he volunteered to shoot an 8-year-old- girl in the face.
It was family tradition that every year a neighbor would dress like Santa Claus, knock on the front door and disperse presents. Clad in his traditional red and white raidfag suit, he then went on to spread tidings of comfort and joy to the packed Christmas party at his mother-in-law's house like some kind of deranged MacGyver, opting out of the usual commercialism of Christmas shopping in favor of making his own gifts; like the home-made flamethrower covered in glittery wrapping paper he brought along .
Naughty or Nice?
—Covina police Lieutenant Pat Buchanan | ||
Santa (sɑːt ʊˈn) opened fire as he entered the house, first shooting an 8-year-old girl who answered the door in the face with one of his five semi-automatic pistols. He then managed to pwn nine people and wound several more, including his 16-year-old fat and sassy stepdaughter (who he shot in the back), his in-laws and most of their family before burning the house down with Napalm on a chilly Christmas Eve in Southern California.
—Covina PD | ||
However, the Xmas Eve merrymaking came to an abrupt end when Santa burned both of his arms to a crisp during his indoor firework display. He actually managed to melt and fuse the Santa costume to his flesh. At this point, he abandoned Plan A - which was taking the first sleigh out of town to the North Pole with $17,000 he'd made by manwhoring that he would've duct taped to his ample waistline - and went to Plan B - driving 40 miles with 3rd degree burns to his brother's house, breaking in, and becoming an hero by a single shot to the head. At least he didn't miss.
The Motives
The former aerospace engineer had no criminal record and nothing in his personal history to suggest a predisposition to pwnage. Unless you count the retarded kid nobody knew about, that he'd abandoned as a boy, but was still claiming as a dependent on his income taxes, that is. It appears that this amiable, upstanding Christian pillar of the community had deserted his former g/f with their son, who'd sustained debilitating brain damage as a toddler when he fell in the pool whilst dad was watching football on TV instead of watching him bob for apples. Oh, and when his wife found this out, that's why she divorced him.
They finalized their divorce on December 18th and she got $10,000 a week in alimoney, her wedding ring, and -most devastating- getting Pardo's beloved dog curtains. Pardo only got the house, which he had to make payments on. Oh and speaking of paying alimoney and mortgage, Pardo had been unemployed since July when he was fired without severance and was ineligible for unemployment benefits. When December came, he was around $900,000 in debt and that's the legal system. Pardo also complained in a court declaration that Sylvia Pardo was living with her parents, not paying rent, and had spent lavishly on a luxury car, gambling trips to Las Vegas, meals at fine restaurants, massages and golf lessons.
When asked to comment, eHarmony issued a statement: "Shit happens."
—Jan Detanna, fellow usher at the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church | ||
The Aftermath
—/b/tard | ||
There were 25 guests at the party and nine had been unaccounted for immediately after the shooting. The Los Angeles County coroner's office said that some of the bodies were so badly charred from dying in the fire, that dental records would have to be used to dox them. Along with his nine confirmed kills, Santa left a bunch of orphans in his wake after pwning most of his wife's family during his rounds.
—Wife's lawyer | ||
Last Thursday, a rented car parked outside the property was discovered to be loaded with 300 rounds of ammunition and a pipe bomb that had been nigrigged to take out first responders. The car was blown to hell after bomb disposal experts moved in and discovered the trip-wires.
—/b/ | ||
But ol' Satan Nick's story reached beyond just the internets. The Jews running Hollywood were apparently so moved by this tragedy, that they dedicated several films to the memory of Mr. Pardo.
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The incident as told by Weird Al
Gallery
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Amiga already predicted this in the early 90s -
HO HO HO, You're coming with me. -
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Sound advice, as always. -
The ultimate party crasher. -
HO HO BBQ -
Maybe he was an Aspie -
Santa's bible. -
The flamethrower used by Satan Claus DELICIOUS SAUCE
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 9/20 |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 18/20 Only 2 injured from gunfire |
| Style: | 20/20 Christmas Eve Massacre! |
| Butthurt: | 10/20 Sadly isn't a well known shooting, only talked about mostly in California |
| Bonus: | 20/20 Bonus for dressing up as Santa, and using A FUCKING FLAMETHROWER! |
Wanted Level:
S.W.A.T. Team
See Also
- Adam Lanza - The ultimate Christmas Grinch
- Santa Claus
- Christmas
- Chris Benoit
- Robert Hawkins
- The Chominator
- KILL IT WITH FIRE
- Krampus
External Links
- Where Santa shops for fire.
- FACTS MAH BOI!
- News Article
- AZN News Article
- Yahoo news [1] [2]
- He was a "family annihilator"
| Satan Claus is part of a series on Obscure Religions  |
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Spree/One-time Killers: |
Aaron Alexis • Adam Lanza • Alex Hribal • Alyssa Bustamante • Anthony Warner • Audrey Hale • Bruce Jeffrey Pardo • Casey Anthony • Cho Seung-Hui • Devin Patrick Kelley • Dylan Klebold • Dylann Storm Roof • Eric Harris • Gerry McCann • James Holmes • Jared Lee Loughner • Jason Rodriguez • Jeff Weise • Jiverly Voong • Joe Stack • Josef Fritzl • Laaiti Ekenstéen • Mark Essex • Martin Bryant • Matthew de Grood • Matthew Murray • Matti Saari • Maurice Clemmons • Pekka-Eric Auvinen • Raoul Moat • Richard Speck • Robert Hawkins • Tim Kretschmer • Timothy Hendron • TJ Lane • Tyler Peterson • Wade Michael Page • Woo Bum-kon |
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| Career/Serial Killers: |
Academy Maniacs • Adolf Hitler • Charles Manson • Chris Benoit • Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs • Dubya • Jack the Ripper • Jeffrey Dahmer • Mao Zedong • Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski • Ted Bundy | |
| Terrorists: |
Al Qaeda • Anders Behring Breivik • Anderson Lee Aldrich • Anton Lundin Pettersson • Dzhokhar Tsarnaev • Elliot Rodger • George Sodini • Maniacs Murder Cult • Mark Essex • Nidal Malik Hasan • Osama bin Laden • Tamerlan Tsarnaev • Ted Kaczynski | |
| See also: |
Antisocial personality disorder • Jews • Murder • Paranoid personality disorder • Pittsburgh Paint Job • Police Brutality • Sick fuck |
| Featured article January 11, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS |
Satan Claus | Succeeded by Boxxy |
| Featured article December 25, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by Clayranger89 |
Satan Claus | Succeeded by Online Roleplaying |
| Featured article December 24 & December 25, 2011 | ||
| Preceded by Jesus |
Satan Claus | Succeeded by The Dan Lirette Story |
