Kyle Rittenhouse
Kyle Rittenhouse a.k.a. The Kenosha Kid is a plus-sized fucking idiot who nearly got himself killed or hit with a life sentence because he took it upon himself to intervene in a veritable warzone. The refusal and/or inability of the cops to do their fucking jobs led to an underaged vigilante picking up the slack. The fact that this later became a trial is solid proof that Dumbfuckistan is screwed.
Background
Fueled by their insatiable thirst for black blood, police went after Jacob Blake in Kenosha. They first shot him with multiple tasers, since all that electricity and squirming made his blood hot and fresh. The cops then shot him 7 times but still failed to kill him, demonstrating their complete incompetence. Because a black man didn’t get away with sexual and domestic assault, criminal trespassing, and trying to knife a cop, BLM and their allies for social justice took this as proof that America is a fascist regime. After the much-beleaguered Fourth Estate broadcast such a truth across the country, of course. The passionate ‘Summer of Love’ would make their voices heard in Kenosha en masse.
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Kenosha
Like many a strapping, idealistic young American male, Kyle Rittenhouse was raised to help impose white supremacy. Unlike you, however, he’d actually get off his ass and inform America of Aryan superiority by force rather by than whining on Twatter. Armed with a scrub brush made from the hair of dead black men, and the ubiquitous symbol of red-blooded White American manhood — an AR-15 — he would scrub away messages of black empowerment and protect capitalist institutions of exploitation. Unwilling to witness the sabotage of their fiery but (mostly) peaceful protests, 3 of their ranks decided to attack Kyle: Joseph "JoJo" Rosenbaum✡, failed skateboarder Anthony "Choke that shiksa" Huber✡ and Gaige "Bye-Ceps" Grosskreutz, now known as Paul Prediger. Joseph and Anthony were killed; and Gaige was disarmed. Most notably, the would-be paramedic's "Do Know Harm" tattoo was removed at record speed after Kyle did a ninja barrel roll and re-racked his rifle. It’s said that special forces were humbled by his deft maneuvers and on-the-fly gun maintenance. For his slaying of two (((fellow whites))), Rittenhouse was a racist and an enemy of our democracy, values, and trans rites.
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Response
—Mark Ruffalo, whose cutesy name for Rosenbaum actually means "jacking off" | ||
The killings of a pedophile and wife beater must’ve been seen as a personal attack on leftoids, because they lost their fucking shit. Destiny was probably one of the only lefties who dissented and saw the case for what it actually was, causing much outrage among his comrades and damaging his career a bit. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Marxist pedophile and former Destiny associate Vaush claimed Kyle was wrong by citing fucking Marvel movies. The right would hail Kyle as a hero, probably because they were vicariously acting out their revenge fantasies that they're too gay to actually act on. They also would continuously cite the two dead guys' crimes as justification for their deaths, as if it wasn't a complete non-semetic coincidence. Life went on and people mostly forgot about the case after it was no longer trendy, until the trial began.
Trial
The shitshow started on November 1, 2021. The prosecution was led by Thomas Binger aka Flufferboy2004, and assisted by James Kraus aka Fatlock. These accomplished prosecutors were perfect for such a sacred task. They had already forgotten Wisconsin gun laws, what the 2nd and 5th Amendment are, and that witness tampering is a crime. His main strategy was to hail literal criminals as heroes, while asking pointedly relevant questions like why Kyle would put out fires, how Call of Duty was connected to the subsequent events, ammo types, why he’d use GPS when traveling an alternate route, and God knows what else. He was also counting on the FBI to stay corrupt long enough to withhold additional exonerating video evidence of Kyle being threatened.
They then used blatantly manipulated drone footage, but this wouldn’t be enough to overcome a slippery defense team that had actual full-res videos confirming what anyone who wasn’t an avowed cultural marxist had known. So they pulled out their trump card: Gaige Grosskreutz, who had fallen on hard times and out of his chair following his indefinite hiatus from arm day. Their ace in the hole would end up admitting that he pointed a gun at Kyle and was only shot afterwards. Desperate to still gain an inkling of justice, efforts by MSNBC were made to persuade the jury to reach the right verdict. Alas, justice was most grievously miscarried and Kyle was fully acquitted. White privilege and the inept prosecution were to blame.
Aftermath
The usual suspects expressed either joy or rage based on the outcome. Joe Biden snorted in anger as the chance to sniff yet another minor was denied to him. Marxoids everywhere feared that this meant open season on their chimpouts. These fears are unfortunately ill-founded, as they haven’t been deterred from doing moar chimpouts. Steven Colbert wanted the law changed. The dead criminals were martyred by the Left. Vaush gave his usual takes before consoling his fanbase for the fact that they wanted to be smug after the trial but couldn’t, and right wingers could. The man knows his audience. One nigger also ran over a bunch of innocent people in Waukesha in retaliation.
The Right was relieved by the outcome, heartened that the universal power structure let Kyle slip by to keep them docile. They made sure to constantly thank God for being in a world where video footage was possible. However, they were also wary that such an open and shut case escalated to this point and feared that the next Rittenhouse wouldn’t be so fortunate.
Gaige Grosskreutz decided his newfound fame was just too much, and changed his name to Paul Prediger shortly before snitching on some urban youths who dindu nuffin except claim their reparations from Grosskreutz's ass by running him over.
As for Rittenhouse himself, the fat fuck downed dozens of chicken tendies from McDonalds and vowed to become a lawyer so that he could go after prosecutors like Binger. Why he’d want to go after the Bingers of the world is unclear, since any defense attorney could win by simply letting them speak.
Gallery
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Fan art -
Anthony Huber -
Joseph Rosenbaum -
Fan art -
Gaige Grosskreutz -
Binger BTFO'd
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One thing’s for sure—the Ritt don’t quit -
Please don't cry, LeBron -
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Burn baby burn
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Kenosha Kid
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One of many tributes to Rittenhouse -
Good riddance to these guys. -
Cry more Antifa—our boy was acquitted. -
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Kyle exits the courthouse after being fully acquitted -
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Rittenhouse was a brony -
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The proper response to "he crossed state lines!" -
sic semper tyrannis
See also
- Antifa
- Racism
- Riots
- George Zimmerman - Also not guilty or white.
- Wisconsin
- Waukesha Parade Attack - A butthurt black nationalist mowed down a Christmas parade in retaliation for the acquittal
