Bible
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—Charlton Heston | ||
The Bible (Pronounced: "Bull-shit") is the most exciting piece of shit since Hitler, although far less realistic. If there's one reason to hate Jews, it's for writing the first (and most insane) half of this novel. It is an extremely long book filled with pages and pages of boring and meaningless text which is generally memorized by extreme fanboys Bush, John MacArthur and the Pope. It is arguably the greatest book ever made and the coolest story ever told, but the Lord of the Rings is still better. It was written by God, ostensibly making him the first, prototypical troll. Sadly, however, stupidity has survived throughout time and many people still believe in the illogical shit spewed from page to page. As such, it may be the single greatest example of trolling, intentional or not, and perhaps the longest edit war that the world has ever seen.
Probably the oldest of old media, the Bible is a sprawling epic that spans thousands of years. It is part creation myth and part war story, as well as romance, adventure, drama, comedy, and completely irrelevant history. Although everyone knows corrupt Iranian Jews made most of the shit up to troll the Egyptian and Israeli Jews.
The book is divided into two parts, the Old Testament, and the Old Testament 2: Electric Boogaloo. Most scholars agree that the Old Testament is Ultra gay, while the New Testament is fan fiction, written because there was no proper sequel in sight.
George Bush used a mixture of The Bible and Mein Kampf for the basis of his politics. See also Hitler, fascism, Nazis, and stupidity.
One of the lulziest things about "The Bible" is that it is considered by the christfags to be the most sold book like evar. In reality it is the most printed book like evar. What's even funnier is the fact that despite being the most sold and the most printed it is by far the least read piece of human intellectual excrement like evar. This statement is easily proven by the fact that close to all the christfags wield it as an impregnable (read: "watertight") shield, while even a 5-year old that actually read that shit could have come up with over 9000 internal contradictions said "book" possesses. As books go "The Bible" is more akin to a neatly fastened collection of toilet paper than a book.
Old Testament
The Bible begins with the story of God creating the world which we now (sadly) live in. version 1.0. G-D will later destroy 1.0 and give humans version 1.1 when, 6 chapters later, He gets pissed off at Angels boinking human women and creating Ubermensch, Naphilim. This took six whole fucking days, but on the seventh, he rested, probably because he was a contractor, working for Cthulhu and wanted to milk out more pay and/or to smoke pot. After creating the world, God decided to create man, a beta faggot named Adam.
After some time, Adam got tired of masturbating because Lilith wasn't putting out until Adam let Lilith peg him. Sexually frustrated Adam bitched to God, who gave Adam some roofies and made Eve out of one of his ribs. Which is pretty much a metaphor for how worthless wimmin are. Soon after, a MOTHERUCKIN' SNAKE persuaded gullible and stupid Eve to eat the apple asshole of knowledge. Eve used her womanly skills of manipulation to convince Adam that this was a good idea. The pair were promptly banned from the Garden of Eden for all eternity. This is the origin of the opinion that women are inferior to men. God installs the first firewall in front of the Garden of Eden using some hardc0re angels called Cherubim. Forget what you know about chubby babies and imagine a monster of a man in spiked battle armour made from the teeth af defeated demons and carring swords made out of flames.
After learning how to perform analingus and getting kicked the fuck out of the Garden, Adam and Eve promptly set about fucking and making babbies. These babbies in turn proceded to fuck each other and their parents, creating even moar inbred babbies. This went on for like 400 years until the world was overrun with retarded genetic slush.
After that, a bunch of shit happens. Most of which consists of various Jew wars, in which the proof of one's valor involved the bringing back of the enemy's foreskins. Also, much writing on scrolls ensued. A lot of the shit involves God trolling his creations in hilarious ways, such as telling some dumbass he has to kill his own son, then when he's got his son laying on a table and has a knife hovering over his head, God throws out the "LOL JUST KIDDING" for ultimate lulz. Then there's the time God sent evil spirits out to do his will (even though he's supposed to be good). Another good troll is when God zaps a guy called Job with all-over genital herpes, then offs his family, to settle a ten dollar bet with Satan.
The hero of the OT is David. This gimpy kid pwned the first professional wrestler named Goliath. Later on he starts the first Hells Angels gang and trolls Saul who eventually self-pwns. But once he's made king he starts taking himself too seriously, goes and sleeps with his general's wife, then arranges to have him murdered. His son from this affair then trolls David, but in the flame war he has his son killed. Feeling guilty about this he goes and writes the first ghey emo poetry: Psalms.
The last book written for the OT was Chronicles. It mainly consists of stuff thrown in and exaggerations, in order to make the Jews look better, and the other Israelites look like douchebags.
The Ten Commandments
The ancient Israelites -- being fussy, anal-retentive control-freaks -- demanded there be lots of rules. So after running out of nit-picky, hair-splitting regulations about how to sacrifice farm animals, they stole Chapter 125 of the Papyrus of Ani from the Egyptians (which in turn stole it from the Sumerians, who bought it third-hand from a shady Babylonian who insisted that it "fell off the back of an Ox-cart.") so they could have some bigger, broader, more nebulous rules that could be more easily used to inflict tyranny with.
The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20/Deut 5)
The Famous but Lame Nonsensical Version
1. There is only one God Worship no graven images
This is supposed to make sense despite some interpretations of the Bible that include a Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The fact that Christianity has a trickster/destroyer figure named Lucifer or the fact that Catholics bow before statues, paintings and other relics worshipping them like they are the figure they represent. Have a plethora of Saints and other figures like Angels and maternal figures that Christians pray to hoping to earn favor. Christfags also believe their God is the only one worthy of worship out of thousands of other gods existing throughout theology (1 Corinthians 8:5).
2. Thou shalt not make any likeness of what is in the Heavens above.
Celestial beings are depicted in almost every single religious institution worldwide; be they angels, or Christ himself. Apparently the Commandments do not apply to advertising campaigns. Also, I'm sure the Catholics love to hear that all those plastic bobblehead Jesus's that they make so much money selling are actually frowned upon by the Supreme Creator of the Universe. Catholics have a loophole out of this in that they are recreating an image of Christ as they believe he appeared on Earth. The commandment states, "Make no representaion of what is in the heavens, beneath the Earth or below the sea"
Michelangelo's creation painting that depicts G-D creating Adam is another story and, technically, Nasa's Star Maps and maps of the ocean's trenches and deep sea fish swimming are sins.
3. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain.
Some see a commandment against disrespectful use of the divine name as more of a "filler" Commandment. In the Jewish Religion it is taught that it is wrong to invoke the name of G-D as evidence or proof such as, "I swear to G-D I didn't rob that bank."
4. Thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath day
Another massive failure for Christfags worldwide; as according to the Bible the Sabbath day is SATURDAY. In Italian, Saturday is Sabbato (Sabbath) but Sunday is Domenica (Day of the Lord); Spanish is similar (sábado, domingo). Clearly the greasy wops and spics have attempted to take 2 days off when they are only entitled to one. Jesus himself did away with this rule in Mark Chaper 2 verse 27 when he said, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath."
5. Honour thy mother and father.
Jesus ironically had two fathers, one natural (God) and one adoptive (Joseph); but according to him it's wrong if YOU do. Jesus also did in this commandmant when he argued that traditions and the Bible teach that a parent has no right to stand in the way of a child going off to make their own life when they are of age. For a child to find their own way they must be willing and able to tell their parents to "Fuck Off!" Matthew Chapter 15 Verses 4 to 7.
6. Thou shall not kill.
Moses apparently received subsequent instructions from God to kill not only anyone who stood in the way of the Israelites, but even to kill Israelites who had committed heresy in Moses' absence. Mistranslation strikes again! "Does Christ not kill when others kill in his name?" William Blake
7. Thou shall not commit adultery.
Which is why Muslims and Fundie Mormons have about 10 wives. But heaven forbid if some rich cougar gets herself a bunch of husbands. This commandment only applies to women and the logic behind it is there was no Maury Povich and a way to find out if the children were his if his wife cheated on him as inheritance passed along the man's line and it was important that the man's family keep hold of their property. This is also why Christ forgave the prostitute who was going to be stoned for adultry. Being unmarried, she wasn't committing adultry.
8. Thou shall not steal.
Proof that God hates black people.
9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Because this would be immoral and contradictory; and the Bible doesn't approve of immoral behaviour (unless it's directed at fags, women, people of other religions or even OTHER KINDS OF CHRISTIAN).
"Did Christ not bear false witness when he refused to speak in defense of himself?" William Blake
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife
Remember kids, women are property!
Also....how can you have Capitalism without lusting after something. Almost makes you wonder if Christianity is some kinda Commie Plot. Makes sense considering how Jesus was just some long-haired hippie who wanted us all to love each other and shit.
Notice that the Common Sense ones (prohibiting Murder, Theft and Lying) are almost at the bottom of the list (at commandments 6, 8 and 9), whereas the first 4 are Yahweh being an emo drama whore who thinks it's all about him and his precious, precious feeeelings.
FUN GAME: For IRL trolling lulz, find a way to break all 10 Commandments at once and DO IT FAGGOT. This shall troll not only christfags, but Satanists, law enforcement, and your lifespan as well.
The Ten Commandments (Exodus 34)
The Obscure but Utterly Bugfucking Batshit Insane in Membrane Version
10 And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.
Attention, Imminent Damnation Alert! You are now entering an Omnipotent Tyrant Zone. Beware of Angry, Emo, Omnipsychotic Creator Beings with Anger Control Issues and dominion over dimensions of Infinite Torment!
11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite.
This raises an interesting theological question: If God is omniscient....and the creator of everything, couldn't he just....like....Not create all these other tribes, if they were going to be such an inconvenience to his True Chosen People?
12 Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:
Yeah, lying, thieving and murder is not as high a priority as "Pay attention to me and only me!"
13 But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:
Ah, the God of love wants every Jew to break shit that belongs to other people...because the mere existence of those other altars make Baby Yahweh cry. Or is it that the Omnipotent Yahweh can't do anything about these other altars and needs to hire mercenaries to do his dirty work? Damned Anubis and his magickal force fields make his altars immune to Yahweh's death rays.
14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
Great. Let's name our deity after a character flaw. If there's only one God, and Yahweh is it, and he's all powerful....what can he possibly feel jealous about?
15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;
And we all know that whoring with other gods causes cosmic gonnorhea.
16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.
It's like Yahweh is using this to beat off to.
17 Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
Wait....What!? So worshiping Juibllex or Abhoth is completely out, right?
18 The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.
When are we going to get to Rules we can Use? Is Yahweh saying that it's okay to rape the murdered corpse of your neighbors ass....as long as rituals about bread are upkept?
19 All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.
Hey, Keanu Reeves....Yahweh just claimed you for his Bitch.
20 But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.
This line is extremely confusing. If you redeem your first sons the same way you redeem a lamb or an ass....wait....is Yahweh saying everyone has to sacrifice their own first born? Must've sucked to be an only child back then.
21 Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.
Finally, a Vacation...after all that sacrificing and eating unleavened bread. And you wonder why Jews are constantly depressed.
22 And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.
More shit about giving Yahweh a cut of your action.
23 Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel.
24 For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.
25 Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.
26 The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.
Wow, what a way to end it. More whiny, penny-ante horseshit about how to give up your shit to the invisible sky goblin -- not a decent moral admonition in the lot -- but apparently making a goat stew with a cream sauce is somehow worse than Hitler.
27 And the LORD said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel.
"And don't do anything stupid, like break these stone tablets in a fit of childish pique, just because somebody at the bottom of the mountain is playing the fool."
28 And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.
Why is Moses sitting there, chiselling....Yahweh should've done what he did in the Movie version: Burn the letters into the stone with his holy fire laser. Sad, Punk-ass Deity.
New Testament
—Sam Kinison - Greatest prophet of all time | ||
The second book, The New Testament, is where the story REALLY picks up. The Mary Sue of the second book is named Jesus. Jesus was born at least 100 years ago in Jewrusalem. Jesus' mom was raped by God or possibly a nigger. And gave birth to Jesus in a barn somewhere Georgia, most likely in Bartow County, now known as the "Holy Land" theme park.
Jesus grew up to be a New Age healer preaching peace, love, unity and respect, thus making him the first unwashed hippy. He quickly gained a large following by performing miracles such as turning water into wine or moving Romans around Jerusalem. His followers are all men, so he might have been one of the first gay idols, preceding Judy Garland by at least one hundred years.
So Jesus pisses off the Romans, and is nailed to a tree and dies. He is resurrected and then is abducted by the Illuminati and taken to Venus where he lives with other historical figures like George Washington and Leeza Gibbons.
The book is a collaborative effort, written over the course of a million years by Dean Koontz (Old Testament), Danielle Steele (New Testament) and Frank Zappa (Revelations).
The book has a huge fan following, with many factions splitting up. Jews only take the Old Testament as canon while Christians accept both. Technically Islam accepts the Bible as legitimate scripture but just try telling Osama bin Laden that.
According to the Bible
There are many proven facts in the world that the bible disagrees with. When Adam and Eve fucked and made babbies (100 or so) those brothers and sisters fucked and made more retard babbies, but it also stated that Adam lived for hundreds of years and "Helped with the creation of man" so basically he fucked his own children. Space according to the bible doesn't exist as the stars in space change and that's impossible because god created everything perfectly and unneeded of change. Then again we can always blame Satan for fucking everything up and releasing sin through Eve eating the apple, thus creating the lulzy - shit world we know today.
Usefulness of the Bible
- Makes an unexpected and merciless weapon, if it is a complete hardcover edition.
- Can be hollowed out to hide smaller weapons and/or drugs.
Perhaps the best thing about the Bible is its quotability. Memorize some of these bad-ass lines and you are on the highway to Respect. Here’s how it would work:
- PRIMA: Hey, can I have some of that sandwich?
- SECUNDA: Get your own, buddy!
- PRIMA: Well, you know, The Bible says, “Let it rest on the head of Job, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Job one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.” (2 Samuel 3:29)
- SECUNDA: Wow, that is totally bad-ass. Here, have the rest of this sandwich.
- PRIMA: NOM NOM NOM
Reading the Bible
In this day and age where the uneducated masses can hardly stumble through Shakespearean Era English, much less decipher the tangled strings of random words they claim is a religious text, one need not worry about not fully comprehending the teachings of the Bible. No living person has actually read the entire thing anyway. Just skim through Leviticus and Revelations for quick lulz, or if that's too much for you, Rev. Brendon Powell Smith has got you covered with the Brick Testament. It even comes with pictures for fuck's sake. How can anyone misinterpret something that's been illustrated with Lego?
How to properly view the Holy Texts
Think of it like a movie. The Tanakh is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Quran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons like the second one so much they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit with ANY of the series canon. So much their version deals with Israelite "native" Americans, and aliens from the planet Kolob. Think of it as the bible goes the way of "My Immortal".
Fact of the day
The original New Testament was supposed to run for a traditional 12 episodes rather than the 9 episodes that we know today. The story had progressed as far as Jesus "rising from the dead" and then "ascending to heaven" when a Christian writer's strike, ignited by the wise decision of Emperor Trajan Decius to feed all screenwriters to the lions in the arena, forced the hasty grafting on of a hurried and unconvincing season climax. In the original plot, the risen Jesus is exposed as an emissary of the Devil sent to overturn the teachings of the original pacifistic guru, and to engineer the subjugation of the Roman Empire by the new Christian fundamentalists, thus leading to centuries of warfare. The plot is exposed by Judas, whose "suicide" in the Potter's Field is really a ruse to throw off the agents of the Evil One, and the fake Jesus dies in a hail of Uzi bullets, leading to a Jew-run world of peace and love. (Obviously a comedy.)
Epic Bible Citations
All excerpts below are 100% accurate. No foolsies. I swear to fucking God. Use liberally to troll Christian forums and to justify murder and oppression!
—The ark rested on a mountain 3 months before the mountains were "un-flooded"? | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
God's Food Network
According to the Bible, you can eat all that are in the waters that have fins and scales (Deuteronomy 14:9-10), the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters (Leviticus 26:29, Deuteronomy 28:53, Deuteronomy 28:57), the flesh of your friends (Jeremiah 19:9), the flesh of your father (Ezekiel 5:10), the flesh of your arm (Isaiah 9:19-20), drink your own blood as the sweet wine (Isaiah 49:26), or you can eat your own shit and drink your own piss (2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12).
You can eat every moving thing that lives (Genesis 9:3), except those of them that chew the cud or of them that divide the cloven hoof (Deuteronomy 14:7-8, Leviticus 11:2-4). Don't eat shrimp (Leviticus 11:9-12, Deuteronomy 14:9-10) and don't eat your own vomit (2 Peter 2:21-22). When eating an animal, remember that all the fat is the Lord's and He doesn't like to share it with you (Leviticus 3:16). You can also eat all the insects which have four legs, except the flying ones (Leviticus 11:21-23).
You can eat all the herbs God created, none of them is poisonous to you (Genesis 1:30), but don't be a vegetarian: vegetarianism is the doctrine of the devil (1 Timothy 4:1-3). Only the weak are vegetarians (Romans 14:2).
The "Holy Shit" Cakes
—Ezekiel 4:12-15 NLT | ||
Woman Soup
—Ezekiel 24:3-12 | ||
Videos
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Gallery
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The Bible offers helpful advice for our everyday lives — such as how we are to beat our slaves. -
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An angel according to the Bible. -
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God does it for the lulz. -
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Illustration from the Bible. You can see Adam (left) peeking at Eve's naked body (right). -
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LET US READ DESU 3:16. -
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Why must this exist? -
Old wine, new wineskin. -
People Who Debunk The Bible
- Joseph Smith
- Farrel Till
- John Loftus
- Linus Torvalds
- Sylvia Browne
- Various scientists with nothing better to do
- Various atheists with nothing better to do
People Who Try To Debunk The Bible
Is it possible to Bunk the Bible?
Bible Babe
That fine ass Mary Magdelene
Hookers for the Bible
Flirty Fishing
See Also
- Tijuana bibles
- Bible Slash
- Antisemitism
- The Rapture
- Christian Spanking Blogs - Inspired by the Bible. Surprise surprise.
- Genesis
- The Prophecy
External Links
- Read the ENTIRE FUCKING BIBLE RIGHT HERE 4 FREE
- The Devil's Dictionary X - A fun and educational read.
- Skeptic's Annotated Bible - Points out all the bullshit in the Bible, which is why there is commentary on every verse.
- Evil Bible - The best Bible out there.
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Bible is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
| Article of the Now April 23 & 24 2023 | ||
| Preceded by Hitler |
Bible | Succeeded by Russia |
