Billy Mitchell
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BREAKING NEWS!! IT'S GOING DOWN! Silly Bitchell vs the Cancer Kid, this fall in September! Two go in, only one goes out. |
William James Mitchell, Jr. (a.k.a. The King of Kong The World's Tallest Midget, Garrett Bobby Ferguson, Giant Bearded Face and Silly Bitchell) is a 59-year-old gamer and a cheater who is most well known for looking like a washed up Kenny Loggins on meth and for having a forehead that's almost as big as Ritsu Tainaka's. Once upon a time, Billy claimed to have some high-scores on some video games made during the Civil War and crowned himself THE KING OF KONG, complete with making a plaque for himself claiming it was from Namco, and used this to gain clout and fame, until some dorks analyzed the footage and proved conclusively he cheated, much like his friend and suspected gay lover Todd Rogers. He had his high-scores for Donkey Kong, Pacman, and Custer's Revenge wiped off the official scoreboards and probably about three people cared. Now, the amount of "fame" one gets from this is about the amount of fame you get for inventing a hilarious new meme, and people cheat all the time, so why should you OR your friends at Encyclopedia Dramatica care? Why are we even wasting the bandwidth talking about a scruffy afghan hound who plays video games for a living?
Because, rather than say LOL INTERNET, Billy decided to also go for the Lolcow high-score and launched Lolsuits against Twin Galaxies arcade, the group that called him a cheater. Then he launched a lolsuit against Youtuber Karl Jobst for calling him a con man in one of his videos about Todd Rogers. Then he sued Regular Show for Garret Bobby Ferguson. Then he sued Jobst again when Jobst started spewing out video after video about him for the lulz. Then he sued David Race, the actual Pac Man world record holder, for farting in an elevator. Then he sued Twin Galaxies again for, uh, we'll get back to you on that one. The fella basically Barbara'd himself to the point that the whole fucking planet only knows him as "that guy who sues fucking everyone over the equivalent of a grade school playground argument about who's the bestest Mario player", and ensured himself a place in our Rogues Gallery for all eternity... or until the next country takes our site down. Whichever comes first.
In early 2024, he settled his Twin Galaxies settlement: much like the much lulzier Vietnam War, both sides decided it was too expensive, walked away, and declared victory. Twin Galaxies didn't restore his records to their leaderboard, or even unban him, but they did create a "historic records" section that hosts his old records. Which is like if the Olympics had a "historical medalists" list that had Lance Armstrong and Marion Jones on it. Pretty much the lulziest thing to come of this was Billy gloating that "he won the lawsuit and his records were reinstated on Twitter" only to be fact-checked by the community and then delete the tweet... and Karl Jobst's "Billy Lost The Lawsuit" video which desperately tries to spin this as a loss between long puffs of Copium. 99% of civil suits end in settlement; nobody should be surprised. Then Mitchell decided they hadn't done exactly what he wanted them to do and opened up that can of beans once more, taking them right back to court presumably for no reason other than he didn't get the praise for winning he felt he deserved.
It's comforting to think that, here in the good ol' US of A, the reason it takes so long to get in front of a judge with actual legal grievances is because there are washed-up losers oozing with Unwarranted Self Importance and disposable income suing random people over the internet over sweet fuck all, innit?
Billy Appears on Regular Show
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Lolsuits
| Silly Bitchell | |
|---|---|
| Lolsuit record | |
| Total: | 6 |
| Wins: | 0 |
| Draws: | 1 |
| Losses: | 2 |
| Pending: | 3 |
Because we here at Encyclopedia Dramatica care about the facts, and the facts surrounding this greasy putz are funnier than anything we could ever make up, we're honored to introduce Garret Bobby Fergusen's kickboxing record. Fun fact: this used tampon is the first person to ever need a "lolsuits" category on his article, which is likely the only thing he's ever actually won fair and square!
Bitchell V Twin Galaxies
Outcome: Draw
Bitchell sued because Twin Galaxies chose not to host his records on their privately-owned archive. They eventually got sick of spending money fighting this fucker and agreed to mention him in a "historic records" section on their website that essentially says "here are the records from before rules and standards of proof were enforced". He still remains banned from their actual leaderboards, with all his records deleted, and their opinion of him hasn't changed. Not realizing people would immediately -- and hilariously -- call him on it, he accepted this since he believed he could spin this as a victory.
Bitchell V Jobst
Outcome: Pending
Bitchell sued Jobst because he called him a cheater and a fraud in a video about Todd Togers. He expected Jobst to back down, not realizing that pasty-faced motherfucker is from Australia and thus accustomed to dealing with highly-aggressive venomous pests that will attack unprovoked for no reason. The fight rages on, and our E-Detectives will keep you posted!
Bitchell V Regular Show
Outcome: Loss
Bitchell sued Regular Show because a comedy show that makes fun of things made fun of a thing. Crying that they infringed on his likeness, the judge told him to GTFO and stop whining like a little bitch because "a giant floating head with a bad haircut and a beard isn't enough of a resemblance."
Bitchell V Jobst 2: Electric Boogaloo
Outcome: Pending
Bitchell sued Jobst again for playing the "THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE GONNA CHEAT" clip linked below. Again, Jobst has made the rather lulzy decision to fight to the bitter end and seems perfectly willing to blow himself up if it means catching Bitchell in the explosion. PROTIP: when your arch-nemesis is a 60lb cancer patient who makes clickbait videos to pay for chemo, and is winning, you should probably just go quiet and slink into the shadows before you make even more of a fool of yourself.
Bitchell V David Race
Outcome: Loss
Bitchell sued Race for recording a video conversation between the two. As if to prove the adage about stopped clocks, this is the only Bitchell lawsuit that actually isn't fraudulent as it actually is illegal to record someone in Florida, where Bitchell was at the time, without their consent. However it is legal to record someone in Ohio, where Race was at the time, so long as one person in the conversation consents. The judge ruled Race wasn't obligated to know or follow Florida laws and ruled in his favor.
Bitchell V Twin Galaxies 2: The Quickening
Outcome: Pending
Tick tick tick, and time! It took only 2 months, 14 days, and 9 hours for him to sue Twin Galaxies again! A real man of restraint, that Billy. This time he's decided that Twin Galaxies isn't honoring their settlement, that just because they gave him exactly what he asked for doesn't mean they gave him exactly what he asked for! He's also decided that his arch-nemesis Karl Jobst is colluding with them because the guy made a video about it: never thought we'd see the day that a guy who makes his living making videos about speed runner drama would make a video about speed runner drama! This man really is the malaria of the video game world: he never truly goes away.
—Karl Jobst, on doing it for the lulz | ||
Other Videos
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Gallery
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OH EXPLOITABLE! -
Mom! I was at school and the kids said I'm not super-kewl and that I cheated! -
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See Also
- Todd Rogers - Billy's butt buddy and partner in crime.
- William Atchison - Someone who got a slightly higher score than Billy.
- Streisand Effect - What happens when you try to use the legal system as a club to win a "I'm better at video games than you" argument.
External Links
- perfectpacman.com - Used to be Billy Mitchell's domain, but he forgot to renew it. It was bought and turned into a hate site.
 Billy Mitchell is part of a series on Web 1.0 |
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Billy Mitchell is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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Billy Mitchell is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
| Article of the Now January 18 and 19, 2024 | ||
| Preceded by Religion |
Billy Mitchell | Succeeded by Cannibalism |
