Pat Robertson
Pat Robertson (not to be confused with Rob Pattinson) is a politically motivated, batshit insane evangelical preacher who who runs the Cock and Ball Network (CBN) to cater to the secret gay needs of Christians everywhere. His main form of eroticism involves doomsday preaching and how everyone is fucked unless they accept Jesus into their hearts and pray really hard.
Pat has been known to troll the media by making rather lulzy comments such as saying God gave Israeli leader Jew a stroke for giving Israeli controlled land to Palestinians, and that he caused hurricane Gloria to change course and not hit the CBN headquarters through his prayer.
AIDS and Hitler
Pat Robertson, much like God, hates fags. In fact, he hates them so much that he believes that AIDS is conspiring with gay people to help support the gay agenda by killing them. SRSLY you can't make this shit up.
He said: "Many observers say that AIDS is the hammer and gun of the homosexual movement, an effective vehicle to propel the homosexual agenda throughout every phase of our society."
This agenda of GRIDS, fags, and automobiles is propelled by the Jewish Media Conspiracy, who are known to be sympathetic to gays, niggers, and gay-niggers. This is ironic, as Robertson also believes that Hitler and his followers were gay Satanists, stating:
"Many of those people involved with Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals -- the two things seem to go together."
God Whisperer
At the end of each year Robertson retreats to seclusion in order to have a private little chat with God. During this intimate time Robertson, using all the tools at his disposal, is somehow able to induce God into telling him what is going to happen during the next year. Robertson then gleefully announces to the media what God had to say. Unknown to Robertson however, is that because God is omniscient he already knew about Robertson's plans and gave him fake information for the lulz. Realizing that he has been trolled, Robertson tries to save face by saying "I have a good track record" but "sometimes I miss."
Some of God's other lies have included:
- Y2K will lead to a disaster of epic proportions.
- In 2005 God will permaban a bunch of justices from the Supreme Court.
- In 2007 there will be a major terrorist attack.
- In 2008 there will be a Christian conversion in China to the tune of 250,000,000 people.
ZOMG SOCIALISM NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!11!1
Pat has had his yearly nuptials with God and has come back with some startling news. In 2009 the American people will embrace socialism to "ease the pain." Also the economy will rebound under Obama. So, apparently socialism is EVIL, but will revive the economy. But it's still EVIL. wat. God was really trolling on this one. See the article here.
Pat Robertson and Hæti
In the immediate aftermath of the Great Haitian Earthquake of 2010 where thousands of Haitians were feared dead, Pat Robertson single handedly solved the mystery behind the disaster:
Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, you know, Napoleon III and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so the devil said Ok its a deal, and they kicked the French out, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor.
He obviously missed the part about Voodoo being a syncretic religion, where African gods were paired with Catholic saints and thus not evil or devils.
Fans of Pat Robertson
See Also
- Hæti - Lulzy quotes on this topic
External Links
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