Shamefully ignorant and criminally insane, Ted Stevens was an (ex)Alaska senator. Too old to understand things, Ted Stevens thought the Internet was a "series of tubes." Stevens, known as "Uncle Ted," was also the inventor of YouTube, and wanted to make the internet better for you by getting rid of net neutrality. His most notable accomplishment was becoming an old meme the same day he became e-famous.
While it is occasionally acceptable for the senile to discuss things they actually experienced, such as World War I, it is both terrifying and lulzy when the 79-year-old chief architect of the Bridge to Nowhere spoke forth on the internets.
As net neutrality is what you are used to, it is truly mind-blowing to imagine that a senile, adult-diaper wearing king of such hookers, blow and pork might actually be responsible for reducing every non-corporate website to what AOL users infested with spyware experience. Yet, this is modern life in America, like it or fucking not.
At some point in mid-2006, Ted Stevens appeared on whatever the fuck Senate panel he was on, subservient to corporate interests, and attempted to explain how the Internets work. The result was amazing, and millions of DailyKos diarists, users, and readers jerked off to it, believing that this was the tipping point in the war against the conservatives. Sadly, they will once again be wrong, as DailyKos nutjobs seldom have enough income to support their favorite candidates. Once again, the capitalists win.
"There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.
But this service is going to go through the internet and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.
Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?
I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?
Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.
So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes.
The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a violation of net neutrality that hits you and me."
(Some people defend the concept by saying most stuff on the Internet is spam, pictures of cats, bad fanfiction, and Chuck Norris jokes)
Home state
Ted Stevens was the official senator for Alaska. As a Republican, he fully supported drilling for oil in his state, causing a frothy mixture of dark oil with white snow commonly found in Alaska. This is very similar to his colleague, Santorum.
Other accomplishments:
Winning first place in the Iditarod (see first entry under "for men").
Crashdoll is sometimes fed through a series of tubes.
Despite his crusade to clear up everyone's tubes, Ted Stevens seems to enjoy ruining tubes belonging to those of Ventrilo users while listening to Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue. His mischievous deeds have been recorded and posted on YouTube:
As recently as Last Thursday, Senator Stevens' Alaska Home was raided by teh Feds in connection with a corruption investigation. Stevens had this to say,
A prison cell is not something you just dump someone in. It's not a big truck. It's, it's a series of bars.
As of July 29, 2008, Ted Stevens faced even moar heat and had been indicted on 7 charges of making false statements about financial issues or something equally boring, like saying that an expensive chair he had owned for 10 years was "lent" to him.. It is presently unclear whether one of these false statements is Stevens' famous "tubes" remark. All that is known is that Stevens was pretty much fucked and was being faced with a shitload of fines. After the charges were brought against him, Stevens posted this message on his website (srsly):
“
I have proudly served this nation and Alaska for over 50 years. My public service began when I served in World War II. It saddens me to learn that these charges have been brought against me. I have never knowingly submitted a false disclosure form required by law as a U.S. Senator.
As of October 27, 2008, Ted Stevens has been convicted on all 7 corruption charges. In a fun twist, the still-defiant Senator had (according to Yahoo News) "accused the Justice Department of unconscionable behavior in his prosecution" and declared that he will continue to run for re-election to the Senate. Since there is nothing barring convicted felons from serving in the Senate, Stevens will also be serving out his current term, pending action by Congress.
The Associated Press reports that Stevens claimed he could not oversee the project from thousands of miles away in Washington, so he had his wife pay the bills. That's what he gets for allowing her responsibilities outside of the kitchen.
Ted Stevens, if sent to prison, will quickly learn that "a series of tubes" has a whole new meaning.
Lost reelection bid!
On November 18 - the day of his birthday - Stevens' career went down the tubes as he officially lost his bid for reelection to Democrat Mark Begich and Alaska shocked the world by not electing a felon to the Senate and making everyone go "Maybe Alaskans aren't so stupid after all".
ZOMG!!1!! Unconvicted!!!
On April 7 2009, U.S. District Judge Emmet G. Sullivan threw out the convictions, accusing the prosecutors of being "a series of noobs" for mishandling evidence and witnesses in the original trial.
This is despite several jurors stating that the evidence against Teddy presented in the case was overwhelming. So that's alright then. Given he is now 85, the chances of his facing trial again are slim. And so, graet justice was served.
On the night of August 9, 2010, Senator Cat Stevens died in a plane crash in Alaska while on his way to taking his cronies over to a fishing trip. Let's just be happy he didn't crash the plane into a farmer's market. The crash was reportedly caused by a misunderstanding from the pilot, who thought the plane was something that you just dump something on, when in fact this is a highly dangerous practice. The pilot took a shit and within seconds the plane was down.
2Internets =/= Truck
Just to be on the safe side.
TUUUUUUUUBBBBEEEES!
Ted's real truck.
Ted Stevens was a popular folk singer in the '70s. Ironically, he was labelmates with a rock group called The Tubes.
Series of Tubes members.
