The Rapture
File:THE CHURCH MUST BE BUILT.png
According to a few million especially delusional Christfags, mostly Americunts, the world is going to end in 2011 2017 Whenever it happens, starting with the Rapture and Judgment Day on May 21, followed by the actual END OF THE WORLD later in October. This has created an unprecedentedly fine opportunity for trolling. ON the other hand, Christians are being stupid again as they are sending themselves to hell while the atheists can finally live free without Jesus trying to pop-up every three seconds to sell you the Bible.
On May 21, 2011 2017 Whenever it happens, at exactly 12 Noon (Israel Daylight Savings Time), The Rapture™ will come to pass. At that moment, millions of people (though only THE BEST Christians) will suddenly vanish, all around the globe in one shocking moment. They will actually leave their clothes and shoes etc. right where they had been existing moments before. Everyone else will be quite puzzled as their friends disappear before their eyes. Cars and airliners will careen out of control as Raptured drivers and pilots suddenly abandon ship. Even the donated organs of these Christians, whether live or dead will be Raptured right out of the sinner's body.
It will be the most awesome thing the world has ever witnessed.
The billions of innocent babies, cute animals and other people "left behind" on Earth, all doomed losers and not-good-enough Christians, will then have to face the "Tribulation" of pestilence and other fucked-up shit and the emerging Antichrist! and eventually be sent to Hell where they will endlessly drown in lakes of fire, with red demons poking pitchforks in their butts. Finally, on October 21, the whole world will fucking END.
Is this soem X-tianity?
According to "normal" Christians, that is, the ones who follow Jesus in the usual kind of less-disturbing Catholic or Protestant ways, the doctrine of the Rapeture "is not and never has been" part of regular Christian belief. It's not in the Bible, the Gospels by Jesus's Disciples, nor the Roman Catholic and Greek Orthodox catechisms; and top Christards of the olden days such as Martin Luther, John Calvin, and John Wesley never heard of it. This Crapture thing is pure American fantasy + Sci-Fi. The Rapture is completely ridiculous, unlike the other crap Christians believe (like sky-bullies who really care when dudes get sperms on them), which is all totally legit.
Around the year 1830 a wandering street-preacher named John Nelson Darby met fifteen year old Margaret MacDonald who claimed to have had a private revelation of a Rapture. Not all Christians would be rescued, she said, only certain special ones. From this beginning, Darby and his followers started teaching that all true believers will be rescued in a SEKRIT Rapture distinct from the second coming of Christ. Only the extra-good Christians would get to go. As this was not Pastor Darby's first experience of secret Rapture with a fifteen-year-old girl, this prediction did not look at all shopped to him and he spread the word with the aid of a troupe of wandering madmen, the Internets of his day. In the USA, the Rapture really took off in the 1860's, as this was a form of Biblical Escapism and the nation had something to really want to escape from. A little event called the Civil War began which made many think that the End Times were really near as the USA began to kick its own ass for 4 years.
Who believes this nonsense?
This line of thinking somehow caught on and by the mid-20th century, it was the mainstream belief for millions of Baptist, Pentecostal, and Evangelical Christians, which are the ones who mostly live in the The South. In fact, they established hundreds of "colleges" for indoctrinating gullible young people into this belief, holding "Jesus Camps" every summer, and generally making sure that everyone is in full compliance with the doctrine.
Not all Raptards necessarily believe that this will happen on 5-21-2017. Most believe in a pre-Tribulation Rapture (i.e. 5/21), while others believe in a post-Tribulation Rapture. The difference between the Pre-Tribs and the Post-Tribs is just shit nobody cares about at its finest, so don't waste much energy trying to sort it out. Basically, the ones that don't believe in 5/21 think that the Tribulation is already under way, and that the Rapture could happen at any moment—just not on 5/21.
Nevertheless, many Christolaters insist on attempting to nail down a date, despite Jesus himself—whom they are supposed to believe is actually God in person—telling them that they will not know, that the entire point is that you cannot know when the return of Christ will be, so therefore you should keep your ass permanently clean on the off-chance that today is the day.
As Christians believe so many things, like Jesus sucked jewish penis once
Harold Camping
The instigator of the 5/21 Raptards is an 88-year-old false prophet and cult leader named Harold Camping. This is not the first time he has done the math and set a date for the Last Day. Here's what a non-5/21 Raptard had to say about old Harold:
HAROLD EGBERT CAMPING, PRESIDENT OF FAMILY RADIO IS UNDER THE DELUSION AND AUTHORITY OF SATAN, AND WILL LEAD YOU DOWN THE PATH OF DESTRUCTION, CONFUSION, AND PAIN. SOMEONE COMMITTED SUICIDE IN 1994, BECAUSE OF HAROLD CAMPING SETTING DATES. This teaching of from Satan. Satan and all unbelievers will be forever punished according to their works in the lake of fire. Harold Camping is a minister of the Devil, and will lead you to the path of destruction if you leave a Bible bases Christian Church, and just sit home by yourself and listen to Family Radio. I say this with Love and Compassion for any listeners of Family Radio. You are being deceived by the Devil, if you follow Harold Camping.
Family Radio
Harold Camping runs a site called "Family Radio Worldwide" This is the international Doomsday headquarters (Or Dday 2: Electric boogaloo, for all you kids out there.)
How to troll them?
Simple way
—Proverbs 10:30 (King James Version) |
Sometimes, though, the Rapturefags have other quotes up their sleeves which seem to show the opposite. It is vital to have a full array of anti-Rapture Bible quotes at your disposal. Which can lead to an endless bible quote flame war as the Bible is really good at being full of convoluted passages that contradict each other. Or you can just use the classic Ezekiel 23:19-20, which basically said that Egyptian men had Penises the size of donkeys and horses:
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals—as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.
More complex and satisfying ways
They have predicted this many times before, most recently in May 2011. As the 2011 Rapture day drew ever closer, the Raptards began to have terrible crises of faith. Preliminary investigations on their message boards revealed that many of them were quite scared and really wished that it would not happen. Still, they remained certain that it IS going to happen and that there is no way out. If they began to have doubts, their online preachers would put down the hammer to tell the almost-sinners that they are going to be Left Behind!
Anon will need to put on its many thinking caps to figure out tasty ways to troll these knuckleheads. Apart from dosing them with chapter and verse of profound anti-Rapture counter-arguments, a few possibilities may include:
- Start a post Rapture pet care service, for the lulz of course ([1]). Protip: make sure to ask for monies up front.
- Have them freely sign over to you their beautiful house or car.
- Have them withdraw all their monies from their banks to freely give it to you. Be careful how you do this one—it might look a bit odd to police the day after the Rapture doesn't come.
- Think of ways to start holy wars of the Pre-Tribs against the Post-Tribs.
- Join their forums and other groups; pretend at first to be a sincere and committed true-believing Raptard; then do your best to puzzle, confound and dismay them about their Rapture plans, using anti-Rapture facts from the Bible. Bonus points if you can get anyone to renounce Christianity.
- On non-5/21 forums, try to get them to believe in 5/21.
- etc.
5/22/2017
May 22 will also be hilarious. When the blessed day of 5/21 has passed, the un-Raptured millions will wake up in terror. Their first thoughts will NOT be that "there was no Rapture"; rather, they will be absolutely certain that they were not good enough for Jesus, and that they have been Left Behind! Now they will have to face the various End Times afflictions, abominations, and other assorted bullshit for the next 5 months until 10/21 when Yahweh pulls the plug. It did not happen, no big surprise.
Implications for politics
Because part of the post-Tribulation Rapture story says that the Rapture will come after the final great battle of Armageddon takes place in the Middle East, post-Trib Rapture enthusiasts are constantly pushing for the USA to make wars there, and to support Israel no matter what. Many think of themselves as "Christian Zionists", or even as a new kind of Jew. And yet according to the Rapture scenario, the Jews themselves will be "left behind," doomed, except those that are smart enough to convert to Christianity.
Pre-Trib Raptards going for broke on 5/21 believe all that shit too, except they think they're going to Heaven before, rather than after the big war.
How about money?
Naturally, the Jews are making money off this delusion. But Rapture X-tians are also raking in the loot. TV Preachers bring in millions of dollars annually by guilt-tripping your obese old grandma into forking over her last $20.
There is a nice industry as well, "End-Times Fiction" is the Rapturefags' equivalent of sci-fi, which has made a pile of money for various pulpit-pounders over the years.
It's a video game, too! Awesome!
Best of all, there is also a fun collection of video games. For example, in Left Behind: Eternal Forces—a 2006 PC game which is set in Manhattan—the enemy is the Global Community Peacekeepers led by the Anti-Christ. The good guys are the Tribulation Force, which were left behind when their fellow Christians were beamed up in the Rapture. To win, the Tribulation side must convert "non-believers"; and if that doesn't work, kill them. Their weapons are prayer and assorted armaments including flamethrowers, humvees, and tanks.
- "Yes, there is killing, but it's faith-based killing." —CEO of Left Behind: Eternal Forces, on being challenged about all the violence in the game.
- Conduct physical & spiritual warfare: wield modern military weaponry and use the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat.
- Recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices.
- Command your forces through intense battles across a breathtaking, authentic depiction of New York City.
- Control more than 30 units types—from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces, and Battle Tanks!
- Control the new Infestor unit! Hulking parasites that spawn infested marines to swarm the enemy!
- Enjoy a robust single player experience across dozens of New York City maps in Story Mode—fight in China Town, SoHo, Uptown, and more!
- Spend an extra 50 bucks on the VelociRapture upgrade for twice the fun.
- Best of all, this is the only RTS game on the market allowing you to play the Antichrist.
- New Street Preacher Expansion Pack allows for in-depth stereotyped graphics.
- This game was created using the same innovative "Test of Faith" game engine of such Christian games like War in Heaven and Saints of Virtue. That is, the graphics, gameplay, and controls are so horrid that only the most devout christfag could even sit through it.
The Sequels
Yes, In April 2008 the sequel, Left Behind II: Tribulation Forces was released as there were enough christfags to buy the first one and sit through the bad graphics and shitty game-play—they are used to suffering for their faith. Despite using the Rise of Nations engine, this game was just as much of a FAIL as the first was. While Christards give this 5 stars on Amazon, anyone with a single functioning neuron will tell you this game sucks. The following game was Left Behind: Rise of the Anti-Christ, which is more of the same shit sandwich.
Anti-Christ
Since the Rapturefags all think the end is near, it means that the Anti-Christ must be alive on Earth. There are speculations, usually with some extremely convincing, complicated to explain "PROOF" about who the Anti-Christ is.
Possible Candidates:
- Saddam Hussein
- Ayatollah Khomeini
- Charles Darwin
- Mudkip
- Ronald Reagan
- Bill Clinton
- Barack Obama
- Nancy Grace
- Yasser Arafat
- Every Secretary General of the UN EVAR!!!
- Your Mom
TIMING OF IMPORTANT EVENTS IN HISTORY (according to Raptards)
Rapture fetishists have amazingly detailed and nonsensical "timelines" of how the shit's gonna go down (see examples in the gallery below)
- 11,013 BC – Creation. God created the world and man (Adam and Eve).
- 4990 BC – The flood of Noah’s day. All perished in a worldwide flood. Only Noah, his wife, and his 3 sons and their wives survived in the ark (6023 years from creation).
- 7 BC – The year Jesus Christ was born (11,006 years from creation and apparently seven years before Christ's actual birth).
- 33 AD – The year Jesus Christ was crucified and the church age began (11,045 years from creation; 5023 calendar years from the flood).
- 1988 AD – This year ended the church age and began the great tribulation period of 23 years (13,000 years from creation).
- 1994 AD – On September 7th, the first 2300-day period of the great tribulation came to an end and the latter rain began, commencing God’s plan to save a great multitude of people outside of the churches (13,006 years from creation).
* 2011 AD – On May 21st, Judgment Day will begin and the Rapture (the taking up into Heaven of God’s special-est people) will occur at the end of the 23-year great tribulation.
* 2017 AD – On May 21st, Judgment Day will begin and the Rapture (the taking up into Heaven of God’s special-est people) will occur at the end of the 29-year great tribulation.
Other days the Rapture has happened on
More generally, "End of the World."
- 200 AD
- 1000 AD
- 1792
- 1914
Specifically as "the Rapture"
- 1844 (twice)
- 1977
- 1981
- 1988
- 1989
- 1992
- 1993
- 1994
- July 5th 1998 – X-Day when the Xists led by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs will lay waste to Earth and destroy all normals and usher in total slack for all those who sent him $30.THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN
- 2000
- 2001
- 2007
- May 21, 2011
- September 23, 2015
Alternative future world-endings
- 2012 – Other Christfags decided to merge their bullshit with the Mayan bullshit. even though it is false pagan teachings.
- 2150 – This is the start of the Age of Aquarius, Jesus was born on 1AD at the Start of the Age of Pisces, his AGE will end on 2150 with the new age. So in any major spiritual event or second coming will happen it will happen on this year.
- 2060 – Sir Isaac Newton proposed, based upon his calculations using figures from the book of Daniel, that the Apocalypse could happen no earlier than 2060. Okay...this is from the guy who discovered GRAVITY. It is like Dr Stephen Hawking calculating when the Lord Xenu will invade earth based on repeated viewings of Battlefield Earth.
- 2077 – In the Fallout universe, the great war happens, killing off almost all of mankind. Thanks, Jesus.
- 2121 – The True Date Jesus will come... in your mouth.
- 2677 – The date Lord Xenu will return to Earth proposed by Dr. Stephen Hawking, after repeated viewings of Battlefield Earth all because someone left the DVR on in his room, and he cannot move to turn it off.TOM CRUISE IS ALREADY PURPARED read this he has a bunkeryou better get rich become a scientoligist act insane get an acting carrer and buy an expensive dooms day bunker too because the prophet the messiah Tom Cruise is planning to build a $10 million bunker underneath his Colorado mansion in preparation for the end of the world, according to a bizarre new report. The Top Gun star and Scientology nut is said to be taking the costly precaution in order to out-smart an evil intergalactic ruler called Xenu who, he believes, will attack Earth. A source told Star magazine: "Tom is planning to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.
Rapture fetishist sites (May 21, 2011)
- E-Bible Fellowship
- We Can Know
- Some software consultant dude
- Another 'tard
- Free Rapture swag
- "Time and Judgement" Yahoo Group
- Lots more pro-Rapture sites
- Rapture Forums (Forum, linked to "If you're new here please read": which is going to be the ammo used against any non believers.)
- Good background article about Harold Camping
- Eternal Earth-Bound Pets (Kill your pets so they can go to heaven too!)
Anti-Rapture sites (for cuntpasting scriptural ammo)
- No Rapture, With Biblical Proof
- Rebuttal of the Pre-Tribulation Rapture
- Rapture Arguments Debunked
- Harold Camping's heresies EXPOSED
- An interview with a woman who knows what she is talking about
Final Word
This Rapture mess is the result of the bad translation of the King James Bible, which all fundamentalists swear is the one true version of the bible, even though Moses✡, Jesus✡, and everyone in the bible did not speak Elizabethan English. As a result, it is also the worst translated, as it was not translated from the original Hebrew and Greek texts, but rather Dutch and German. Jesus's birth happened in 1CE, the start of the Astrological age of Pisces, which is why fish symbols appear in the New Testament. Jesus was never talking about the end of the world, but the end of the ΑΙΩΝ, the age. Jesus was talking about the coming age of Aquarius, so 2150 will be a year when something could happen as the bible has major prophets appear to usher in each new age.
Galleries
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Rapture timeline: Good times coming soon! -
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You see the more complicated and convoluted you make your belief system, the harder it is for anyone to disprove it, then rake in the Cash $$$$$$ Got It. -
Uh Huh? I seen time-lines and maps for comic book and Sci-fi universes created by fan-boys that make more sense than this shit. From what I can tell this is a chart telling a battle with multiple Christs from alternate universes who will converge on our world in a battle called the Crisis of the Infinite Christs.
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Okay... -
It all ends with a new Heaven and a New Earth, So This is just God's "gritty reboot" of the franchise, like Christopher Nolan did with Batman Begins. So if we all start wearing rubber nipple suits I will know the End is near. So God is just going to Retcon us all. -
PROTIP: When your religion starts to make complicated flowcharts and diagrams to describe basic tenets of their doctrine, time to get the fuck out. Hindus have like 8 million Gods and even they do not publish shit like this. -
7 hours less
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Bad luck
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It probably won't be quite like this -
Satan Wears A Leotard: Kirban's 666 -
Life is just a video game -
Easy and fun to play
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Some aspects of the Rapture are mysterious -
Takes a licking, keeps on ticking -
The Raptor. -
Maybe Not...
See Also
- Bioshock
- Catnarok
- Epic Fail
- Hell
- John Hagee
- Jesus
- Drugs
- Pat Robertson
- Jerry Falwell
- Ted Haggard
- Raptor Jesus
- Retard
- Easter
- Chaos, and When is chaos unleashed?
- Large Hadron Collider
External links
- Doomsday believer donates $300,000 to christfag radio station
- Blondie: Rapture
- Another Rapture theme song
- Left Behind: Eternal Forces video game
- Torrent for downloading Left Behind: Eternal Forces video game (free)
- Sweet! Download you some Rapture "wallpaper"
- Rapture Ready
- Prophecy Fellowship
- Mirror Rapture Prank Video
- Holy Rapture – a video warning you about the 2nd coming
- END TIMES – another truthfull video warning you
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| Featured article September 22, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by Simon Sheppard |
The Rapture | Succeeded by Geek Squad |
| Article of the Nao May 21, 2011 | ||
| Preceded by Lucky Star |
The Rapture | Succeeded by Archive.org |
