Tony Blair
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
Tony 'Golden Balls I'll-invade-anywhere-I-want' Blair (aka: Bush, Jr, Bush's Poodle, Bush Lite) was once the Prime Minster of Britain and leader of the 'The Labour Party' before Gordon Brown told him to GTFO. Despite advertising himself to the British public as an approachable and friendly guy when running for the post of PM, he ended up being one of the most hated leaders in Europe. This was mainly due to him starting an illegal war with Bush against Iraq under the notion of "weapons of mass destruction", which apparently he heard from a taxi driver about, a claim that was backed up by someone who stole the idea from a 1996 Nicolas Cage movie. Also, he's the Devil Incarnate.
Blair is also the biggest winner in all of British history, having first fucked the entire Labour party, then fucked John Major, followed by the entire electorate, then topping it all by fucking Rupert Murdoch's mail-order wife in repayment for his media support during steps one, two and three.
Early Life
Born the son of a cockney bootblack in late Victorian London, Tony worked his way down the greasy pole before finally becoming a Lawyer. He languished in this self-imposed hell for many years, before succeeding some fat Scottish guy and landing the plumb job of 'striker', or Quarterback, for the newly-formed 'New Labor Sockpuppets' in July of 1994.
Blair is also well known in the UK as a dancer and light entertainer and was a team captain in the charades based game show 'Give Us A Clue'. His signature dance move is known as 'The Big Lionel' when he stops tap dancing and preforms a theatrical turn, grins, claps his hands and continues tap dancing. Whilst preforming this move he shouts "big Lionel!" in order to draw more attention to himself. This move has since been used a number of times in his later career, in particular during the cash for honors investigation by the Metropolitan Police to distract and confuse the police while asking him tricky questions.
Family Life
Blair is married to the lovely Cherie, with whom he has spawned three monstrous children. The eldest, Jormungandr, is a serpent of such immense size that even Goatse would wince. Fenris is a huge wolf, while their only daughter Hela is half corpse, half girl. All three regularly run amok in British cities, cementing Blair's absolute grip on power.
Relations with America
Despite being a (nominal) socialist and former Hippy who often putted it to The Man, Blair grew somewhat close to George Bush in the years he was Prime Minister. Some argue this is because they both share a love of Morgan Freeman, while others claim they are brought together by a mutual hatred of Arab and the shared goal of wanting their oil. Blair was often greeted with cheers from American on-lookers whenever he visited for some bullshit reason that nobody can explain, but then again these particular people had probably never seen another Englishman other than Hugh Grant before.
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The Blair file
Maybe the Bush-Blair love-in wasn't a headlong dash to romance. Perhaps it wasn't a case of lust at first sight. It's possible that Blair found himself in receipt of an offer he couldn't refuse.
Turns out that (for some reason) US intelligence kept a dodgy dossier of their own, comprising information about Blair's private life.
What could there possibly be to know about such a "pretty straight kind of guy"?
Knowing how efficient spies are in general, it's entirely possible that the Blair file contains rumours and allegations that have been floating around for years, but that have never made it into the mainstream media (although this could be because they are bullshit). Such rumours (srsly, have a google) include:
- Blair is bisexual and marrying Cherie was done in order to gain political cred
- Was a cross-dresser in his younger days and went by the name "Miranda"
- Was importuned for Gross Indecency before joining Labour, appeared in court under the name "Charles Lynton" (his middle names) and got off with a fine and a caution
- Is a long-term MI5 sleeper agent/asset within the Labour Party (this one is actually half-believable and was disguised slightly when it was turned into a famous novel called The Ghost)
.. but then again, it could be that the file contains substantive stuff and seriously damaging dirt of blackmail utility.
Her Majesty's Government in general, and Blair in particular, have never commented on the existence of a US file on the leader of an ally nation, which makes one wonder a bit.
2016: It appears that MI5 officers themselves had heard Blair was one of their agents, recruited during the Thatcher years. Blair's actions when the story nearly came out (but was suppressed with legal threats) look decidedly shifty, but although this ramps things up a notch it's still not proven.
David Kelly
Shortly before BushnBlair invaded Iraq, whistle-blowing weapons inspector Dr David Kelly was found dead in some woodland. This has nothing to do with the fact that Blair's Government was about to expose him in the media in order to draw attention away from an accurate report by the BBC that called out the WMD "alibi" as the bullshit that it was, the anonymous source of the BBC's story being Dr Kelly himself.
Blair quickly established The Hutton Inquiry to look into the events surrounding the death. Unlike most Judicial Inquiries, Lord Hutton wrapped up his work in under a decade, declared Kelly's death a suicide (but there hasn't been the legally-required Inquest to make this finding) and put all the blame on the BBC, resulting in several top-level BBC resignations and sackings. As for Blair, he wasn't even mentioned.
Did Blair rig the Hutton Inquiry? Decide for yourself.
There's one piece of evidence that Hutton published that no-one has ever been able to explain. This was the anonymous note received by the Inquiry (31 July 2003) that stated that Dr Kelly was murdered by members of "the world's worst paedophile ring." What on earth made Lord Hutton publish such a bizarre note? We may never know...
Hatred of Muslims
Blair, and the Labour Party generally, is widely loved for his hatred of Sand Niggers. Not content with telling them how to dress, he has also single-handedly Pwned several thousand of them in his time in office. Whether this hatred is merely a ploy to gain votes, or a sign of an underlying decency, is something we will never know.
Relations with God
Blair is a self confessed believer of Morgan Freeman and the teachings of Jesus Christ, and after resigning from office became an official Catholic. Blair's love of the Lord, although not completely uncommon for a Britfag, is still somewhat unusual considering that not only did he govern a country that is home to well known skeptics, but there's also the fact that only around 50% of the population is still Christian, and Atheists will often broadcast their views on the sides of buses and television. However, being a country of indifference regarding belief, unlike America where it's essential, a Britfag's hate for the grinning shit more than likely stems from his fuck-ups in the Middle East rather than his hardon for Jesus.
Leaving office
After some agreements with the current Prime Minster Gordon Brown, Blair stood down after the elections of 2005, and the one-eyed Scottish cyclops took over. Tony Blair now makes loads of money off speaking at dinner parties and making people pay just to take a photograph with him. He then became a UN ambassador for the Middle East. He's obviously doing a good fucking job there, you know with all the peace and all.
He also recently made an appearance for his old mate Gordon telling the country that he should be elected for another term. Tony then fucked off, probably after Gordon told him to in fear of even more hate being flung Gordon's way. However, regardless of Blair's actions Mrs Duffy had already claimed the title of "2010 Labour Re-election killer" with a "bigoted" statement.
The "Blair Rich" project
What is Blair hiding? Just before leaving office, he set up a complicated series of interlinked companies through which his megadollars are funnelled, but having exploited a loophole in UK company law he doesn't have to publish accounts or tell anyone how much he receives (the financial web is so complex that at one point in his chain of interlinked companies, he is effectively in legal partnership with himself ffs). All we know about is his annual outgoing of £560k rent on his Grosvenor Square office, every single other aspect of his little setup remains a mystery. Turns out that that this arrangement means he has all the privacy benefits of an offshore account while being able to say (honestly) he is a UK taxpayer.
Suggestions that Blair has been using his role as Middle East Peace Envoy to broker massive arms deals and then cream a healthy portion of the profits off the top are wholly unfounded.
He's baaaaack
In January 2015, Blair upstaged David Cameron's impending stateside visit to see Black Jesus by addressing a private conference full of Republicans about his views on the Middle East, where he was introduced by John McCain.
Pearls of wisdom from the former Dear Leader of UKistan included:
- "The US and UK [have] learned that if you topple dictators, you release other forces that have to be dealt with."
- On the other hand why bother anyway? "The Arab Spring demonstrated that many of those dictatorships would be swept away in any event."
- However, no-one can control who takes power after this inevitable uprising, which is why he then revealed that he was “extremely concerned” about the emergence of ISIS in Syria and Iraq...
- ... and that "over time there could be an alliance of sorts between Israel and the Arab states against radical Islam"...
- But then again, Islamism is hostile to “us and our values”, and although some want to negotiate or ignore it, neither of those approaches would work and it had to be confronted.
So hopefully, that makes perfect sense and now everything's clear. The conference organisers apparently didn't pay Blair for his wisdom, or perhaps they did and asked for their money back when they realised what a bullshitter he is. But Blair was paid travelling expenses, which means that his claim form probably says something like: "Travel to America from London via the planet Jupiter in my gold-plated speedboat that runs off caviar: £15m + VAT pltxbai."
Fans
UPDATE
Sept. 4, 2010: Blair is greeted warmly by his fans at Dublin, Ireland during a photo-op/autograph session promoting his new book.
Fans
H8s
See also
- Britain
- America
- David Cameron Aka. Tony Blair 2.0
- Jimmy Savile
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