Heather Howland
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Heather Howland was an uptight ginger bitch who was dealing out a cold marriage until God decided to answer her husband's prayers and fixed her brain. Heather now "suffers" from hypersexual disorder, which is a fancy way of saying that she now is just a body carrying around a well-used vagina. Along with Heather, every man who meets her suffers the effects of this disorder. She seriously cannot avoid having sex with any man who doesn't fight her off. In all of this her husband, Andy, has decided to stay with her in spite of the constant infidelity.
She first appeared in a Daily Mail article describing her "affliction", which was quickly blogged by the feminazi's in Europe (both of them) as societal condemnation of active female sexuality. Obviously, the new feminist movement in Europe involves raping any man within reach. The news of this new movement within the feminist structure finally reached the fine men at Cracked magazine, who did what they did best and created a top 5 article referencing Heather and her healthy sex drive.
From Ice Queen to Super Slut
Heather's love life started when she married the only man she ever slept with: Andy. "They had been teenage sweethearts, together since the age of 17, and had strident views about the sanctity of marriage." Being a typical British ginger, she squeezed out a kid and promptly decided that "sex wasn't a big deal". She became the office ice queen who had strong opinions of any sexual conduct.
Then, one day when she was out in the garden not making a sammich, God's wrath struck this insolent woman and gave her a brain hemorrhage. Her husband, thinking that he was free of her ice snatch, even signed over the rights to her internal organs and was just getting ready to call his ex-girlfriends for some sympathy sex, when to his dismay she came to just before they cut out the organs. Knowing that you can't get sympathy sex for a wife who just came out of a coma instead of dying, he resigned himself to a life of loneliness.
Now while in the hospital, she asked him to help her to the bathroom, and "pulled him into the toilet cubicle with her". Andy was scared because he thought his dick may get frostbitten, but found her snatch to be in full heat. Andy immediately went premature, since this was the first snatch he had in 7 years (the age of their son), but that soon was about to change. This started Andy's new life married to a perfect woman.
The New and Improved Heather
Heather's new life has been consumed by one thing: "I woke up in the hospital and was just consumed by the need to have sex all the time. And it didn't matter who with."
Andy has become the luckiest guy ever by being married to a woman whose entire existence is defined by the next lay. At first, he would come home and satisfy her urges, and then one day she broke out of the kitchen. In front of her husband, she ran over to a construction worker and made out with him until Andy beat the crap out of him and dragged her back into the bedroom to finish the job himself.
Every time she leaves the house, she ends up trying to fuck some new lucky guy. She started going to a support group for people with brain trauma to try and get help, and ended up fucking the guy who sat next to her. She went back to work, and had an affair with a coworker. She met some 18-year old boy at the community center...you get the point.
Her therapist has even suggested that she carry condoms with her at all times. In spite of all the extra sex she gets, Andy has somehow been able to forgive her and keep her as a personal fuckdoll.
Research continues
The Human Genome Project has been working feverishly since they discovered that the slut chromosome is out there, and Heather is the key. Some argue that her condition is the result of skull trauma and science should devise a way to create controlled brain injuries. Whatever the case, replicating Heather's condition would be an achievement indeed.
External Links
- The article describing the life of the luckiest guy ever
- The Cracked article that talks about heather
- The feminist response
- her survivor story on a brain damage site...call them and tell them you want one for your girlfriend
- Don't get caught by Andy, he really can kick your ass
