Bernie Goetz
Bernhard Hugo Goetz✡ (a.k.a. The Death Wish Gunman and The Subway Vigilante) is an American hero, environmentalist and professional Jew who is most well known for his tireless efforts to clean up New York's filthy, vermin-infested subway system in the mid-1980s. In the decades following his humanitarian work and Second Amendment activism, Goetz has taken up numerous hobbies such as selling weed and harbouring squirrels in his apartment, much to the chagrin of his landlord. Goetz is also notable for losing the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize to Barack Obama due to the Nobel committee's anti-semitism.
Bernie Goetz first rose to national fame on December 22, 1984, when four black youths decided to surround him and politely demanded that he give them $5 so they could afford to buy half of a Something Awful account from their local drug dealer. Not willing to be a victim like every other goddamn Jew on the planet, Badass Bernie decided to respond to the teenagers' demands by pulling out a .38-caliber revolver and shooting every single fucking one of them.
Following the failed mugging, the four entitled niglets decided to play the race card and Bernie Goetz was eventually put on trial for 4 counts of attempted murder – all of which he was acquitted of. Goetz was, however, convicted of unlawful possession of a weapon because the fucking government had previously denied his request for a concealed carry permit despite the fact that he was previously mugged and wanted to exercise his Second Amendment rights to defend himself.
Subway's Five Bullet Footlong
like in the 1980s.
the one used by Goetz.
this isn't a deadly weapon?
On Saturday, December 22, 1984, four young adult negroes from the Bronx—Troy Canty, Barry Allen, Darrell Cabey and James Ramseur—surrounded Bernie Goetz and requested in niggerese that he give them five dollars.
After noticing that one of the young men had something in his pocket other than a huge black schlong, Goetz realized that he was most likely going to get stabbed with a fucking screwdriver if he were to politely decline their "request" for five dollars.
—Bernie notices bulge. OwO what's this? | ||
Having no other choice, Goetz whipped out a gun and shot all four of his would-be muggers before exiting the train – but not before firing off a cheesy one-liner worthy of a crappy 1980s action film.
—Bernie Goetz, Nigger Exterminator | ||
LOL Acquitted
vigilante!” “No, you got your subway vigilante in my
autistic rock star!” “Mmmm … Two great tastes
that taste great together.”
—Bernie Goetz | ||
—Bernie Goetz, on shooting niggers | ||
LOL Busted
Caught in 2013 for slinging' some Dope to an undercover cop, The case was dropped after the judge ruled a year is Too Long to wait to put a White Man in jail for 30$ of weed. He just keeps getting away with it
Squirrel Girl
High Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | n/a |
| Accuracy: | 20/20 5bullets4niggers |
| Style: | 20/20 Entered bullet-time hyperspace and channeled The Matrix. |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 Typical instance of blacks getting butthurt after a kike fought back. |
| Bonus: | 40/20 Perfect pacifist run. |
| Total score: 100/100 (A+++) | |
See Also
- The Central Park Five
- Getting away with it
- Black Lives Matter
- George Zimmerman
- Bernie Sanders
- Bernie Goatse
External Links
- Goetz's Attorney Sums Up, Ruefully
(archive) - Goetz casually suggests the muggers should have been aborted. - Mugger awarded $43 million in damages (archive) - Goetz declared bankruptcy immediately after the ruling.
| Featured article February 7 & 8, 2019 | ||
| Preceded by Street soldier |
Bernie Goetz | Succeeded by Coolest Monkey in the Jungle |
