Samuel Hengel: Difference between revisions
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==See Also== | ==See Also== | ||
*[[An Hero]] | *[[An Hero]] | ||
*[[Asa Coon]] - another fag who only managed to kill himself. | |||
*[[Suicide]] | *[[Suicide]] | ||
*[[Guano]] | *[[Guano]] | ||
Latest revision as of 14:34, 2 June 2024
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Samuel Hengel was a crusader for graet justice who, carrying some serious fucking heat, burst into his school and:
Experts believe that his boring Wisconsin life played a role in his decision to commit such a mundane crime. Whatever the case, this young man's balls dropped in record time, and in about 3 hours he went from intrepid nerd to Ahnold status.
The Plot
Act 1 - Birth of An Hero
- Like oh-so-many malnourished and socially inept samples of trailer trash, Samuel was presumably the victim of bullying, and decided to remedy the situation in a new and inventive way:
bringing a gun to schoolbringing MULTIPLE guns to school. According to newz, Sam brought both a classic 9 MM pistol, and a .22 Cal Semi-Automatic.
Unlikely Protagonist
- After unleashing his fury on the classroom's movie projector and several unfortunate desks, he demanded that the students hand over their cellphones, apparently to prevent police contact; also hoping that nobody would discover something was wrong in a room that is supposed to fill with new students every 45 minutes. Samuel didn't seem intent on harming the children, as they kept him entertained with anecdotes and remembrances of times good and bad - although when it seemed like he was really about to flip the fuck out, many students credit their teacher with saving lives. →
Act 2 - With Great Power... Comes Great Ineptitude
- Having the fear dispersed by a strong, rational woman sent young Samuel's mind down a spiral of torment. He was stupid enough to let some kids go "to the bathroom", and consequently police realized he was a pussy, and charged the room. Samuel shot 3 more bullets (still not harming anyone), then turned the gun on himself.
- Having reached the end of his rope, unwilling to negotiate with cops or even admit why he did it, Sam put a bullet in his [undisclosed body part]. A smart man's money says he tried to blow his brains out, but as of yet, no news source will admit it, probably for vanity's sake.
IT LIVES!
- Samuel did not succumb to his injuries on the scene; instead of going out in a poetic, emotional blaze of glory, the Grim Reaper opted to let him wallow in a pool of his own waste in a hospital bed for a good few hours. The stench was great.
Remembering Samuel
Look at that sweet, sweet boy. An true hero. Of course, what sets An hero apart from a good old-fashioned self-pwn is how fondly the potential hero is remembered.
Nobody outside of Wisconsin will ever remember him as anything more than a weak-minded psychopath, but his friends and family will always feel blessed for having known him, which is ironic considering the parents are the ones at fault. They can take solace knowing that since Samuel never specified a reason, next Thanksgiving won't be ♫AAAAWKWAAARD.♪... Scratch that. It might be awkward if the Packers have a bad year, or else Wisconsin won't have any other news to report on until next Thanksgiving. That being said, the rest of the world was ready to move on almost immediately.
—Wiguy, roughly 18 hours after the event. | ||
—beteanheardt, chiming in with sound advice. | ||
This was the general consensus throughout the land - Samuel wasn't crazy enough to warrant any kind of national reaction, and he didn't take anyone with him - although notably, low-income territories in Wisconsin now have a law limiting gun ownership to 4-per-household. Samuel also became an organ donor - having potentially saved the lives of five children (that number is expected to grow) with his organs... at least, for now. In all likelihood they will catch the brain AIDS that fucked up Samuel's wiring, and will all become An Heroes themselves.
See Also
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Samuel Hengel |
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Spree/One-time Killers: |
Aaron Alexis • Adam Lanza • Alex Hribal • Alyssa Bustamante • Anthony Warner • Audrey Hale • Bruce Jeffrey Pardo • Casey Anthony • Cho Seung-Hui • Devin Patrick Kelley • Dylan Klebold • Dylann Storm Roof • Eric Harris • Gerry McCann • James Holmes • Jared Lee Loughner • Jason Rodriguez • Jeff Weise • Jiverly Voong • Joe Stack • Josef Fritzl • Laaiti Ekenstéen • Mark Essex • Martin Bryant • Matthew de Grood • Matthew Murray • Matti Saari • Maurice Clemmons • Pekka-Eric Auvinen • Raoul Moat • Richard Speck • Robert Hawkins • Tim Kretschmer • Timothy Hendron • TJ Lane • Tyler Peterson • Wade Michael Page • Woo Bum-kon |
|---|---|---|
| Career/Serial Killers: |
Academy Maniacs • Adolf Hitler • Charles Manson • Chris Benoit • Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs • Dubya • Jack the Ripper • Jeffrey Dahmer • Mao Zedong • Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski • Ted Bundy | |
| Terrorists: |
Al Qaeda • Anders Behring Breivik • Anderson Lee Aldrich • Anton Lundin Pettersson • Dzhokhar Tsarnaev • Elliot Rodger • George Sodini • Maniacs Murder Cult • Mark Essex • Nidal Malik Hasan • Osama bin Laden • Tamerlan Tsarnaev • Ted Kaczynski | |
| See also: |
Antisocial personality disorder • Jews • Murder • Paranoid personality disorder • Pittsburgh Paint Job • Police Brutality • Sick fuck |
