StarCraft
Starcraft is one of the most overrated computer games in existence ,Starcraft Fanboys are literally the most skilled beings in the universe, each any every one of them are supreme beings that none of us casual gamers could possibly comprehend their abilites. It was released in 1998 by Blizzard Entertainment, when monitors were 640x480 and only had 256 colors. The game consists of three races: Zerg, Protoss, and Terrans. Each race is equally annoying in that every 30 seconds you must CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS. PYLONS, FUCK YEAH! The game also requires constant gathering of minerals and gas, inspiring many players to pussy out and use cheat codes. Starcraft is responsible for the old meme Zerg Rush.
StarCraft and Pro-Gaming
Starcraft is also the national, and mandatory sport of South Korea, where big multinational corporations pay little sadistic greedy managers and coaches money to create branded company teams. They then lock kids in tiny rooms equipped with Starcraft installed Computers to play 23 hours a day vs other professional teams! This is then broadcast live on TV via three 24h run eSports channels. This is true. It is sad (awesome?).
eSports is also considered to be serious business for the rest of the world, although they are unsure how to sell and market Televised kid-slavery.
These so called pro-gamers are ruled by the Good Korean whip! In richer teams, 4 pro-gamers share 1 bed in shifts. Poorer teams have to do with a rope tied from 1 end of the room to the other that is then cut to wake the next training team up! Pro-gamer TV Stars and champs get their own 4x4 room that they lose the same day they lose on TV Tournaments!
Starcraft Pro-gamers lose all privileges the moment they think other of a Terran medic or Kerrigan the Queen of Blades being a higher valued GF, then anyone of those 100,000 camwhores throwing their furry pics and other toys at them every night live on TV.
This explains where Korean Starcraft Pro-gamers get their high APM (action per minute) Keyboard skills from having to yank around on their small forbidden stub seems to have an effect on Korean SC world wide pwnage! On the other hand some say it's down to the Rice, (not to be mistaken with our instant Rice), that also explains why the Chinks are catching up with the Kors in SC just lately!
The typical korean-televised Starcraft match:
If considering joining a Korean Pro-gamer team, you have to have win every international Tournament and prove that you can spank that monkey in under 6 seconds flat, at 450 APM(actions per minute) plus, without making a mess of the Monitor, Mouse or Keyboard.
StarCraft I & II non Korean Communities
All of these Fanboy communities believe of themselves to be the equivalent of /b/ in Starcraft terms that is. The truth however is, that they are all basic right up to beyond advanced GOATSEs visually speaking within StarCraft terms! Just picture them all with their asses wide open!
It is easily explained.
- The site holders had to watch serious business run right past them for over 10 years! They only started realizing this at around 2004, it took them until the mid of 2007, to wake up!
- The community fanboys did everything to keep the serious business away from day 1, but dream about having SC on local TV!
- both fractions are now sucking the dick of a Good_Korean JewTuber, that is providing up to date content since mid 2007
Now all are hoping for a 2nd chance with SC2!
- If you are one of these fanboys, you should read about yourself here
- If you run one of these Starcraft fanboys web sites, you should read about yourself and your 10 year odyssey here
How to Play Melee On Starcraft
- Be Korean. If you aren't already Korean, you can convert by paying the 50 rupee fee.
- Look through the bargain bins at Walmart or download it illegally from your favorite warez site.
- Start a game.
- Pick Zerg
- Spawn more Overlords.
- Vespene gas
- Spawn Zerglings
- ZERG RUSH
- ????
- PROFIT!!!
That's it. If the rush is done correctly, your enemies should be handicapped enough for you to win. Conglaturations!. Really, there's nothing more to this game than that shit.
KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE
Starcraft, like any other game, has its share of underhanded tactics to make sure that a winner is you. Much like your Doom clones have camping, it has a Zerg Rush, which involves making as many zerglings as you can and killing your opponent two minutes after the game starts.
The dramatic possibilities outside of the game are few. However, Starcraft has become a standard in Something Awful discussions and has achieved gayness because of its popularity.
Starcraft IRL
Fastest Maps
Fastest maps were created by azn fags so they can cannon rush noobs without mercy. They consist of one stack of over 9000 minerals placed directly next to your starting base, along with 10 geysers so you can mass units immediately. The only people who play these maps are Koreans and noobs.
Trolling Fastest Maps
The greatest part about fastest maps is their wonderful trolling potential. If you don't suck too much, you can usually cannon rush everyone and laugh at the /whispers they send later calling you a fag. If you suck, don't worry, there is one sure-fire method that even a complete dumbass can perform
- Find a fastest map game to join (Not hard as this is pretty much all anyone plays any more)
- You can do this in a 3v3 (with some guessing luck) though it is best to join a full 4v4 game because all the starting points will be full.
- Move your mouse over on the right to where it says "Preview Map". Ensure that there is only one mineral patch per base. Some fastest map versions have two, but most of them only have one.
- Pick Terran
- When the game starts, select all your workers and send them towards the nearest enemy base. (PROTIP: Hotkey them by pressing ctrl+1, now you can just press '1' to select them)
- Lift your Command Center and send it towards the same base as your workers. It also helps to hotkey your command center
- Laugh at your team-mates who say "Omg wtf are you doing"
- When your workers arrive in the enemy base have them attack enemy workers.
- Press your hotkey for your command center. Right click your enemy's mineral patch. Hotkey back to your workers
- If they don't react, keep killing their workers.
- If they do react, have your workers run around in circles trying not get hit. Any time your enemy sends their workers back to the mineral patch, attack them.
- Whatever you do, keep their workers off the mineral patch, or kill them.
- Soon your command center will float over their mineral patch, they can no longer get minerals.
- Now disconnect and find another game. Even with you gone, your command center is still floating there.(For added bonus, pull the plug on your modem, this stops their game for nearly an entire minute with them being unable to exit)
- ??????
- PROFIT
The wonderful thing about this method is that even if you fail, you have at least been a useless teammate and thus fucked up the game for your team-mates. If you succeed, either your teammates will be useful and kill the guy who's game you have ruined, allowing you to land your command center and start building, or their teammates will eventually help them out, and blow up your command center and win. But the person will be so far behind they never get to do anything useful. Win and win. For added win, use the same method on those stupid 7v1 comp stomp games on your teammates.
1 Billion Zerglings
Apparently someone decided to make a map where you have to defeat 1 BILLION zerglings. Notwithstanding the fact that nobody has even come close to completing the 1 million zerglings map, someone has made a map where you have to defeat 1000 times more zerglings. It turns out that some sad losers have actually spent over two hours getting to a kill count of 192.4k. They would have to kill over 5000 times that amount in order to win the game. Which translates to over a year played CONTINUOUSLY. Needless to say there are losers out there willing to take up the task (and an hero in the process)
Races/Units
Terran
The Terrans are the human race of Starcraft. Terrans can be described as a mix between southern redneck stereotypes and characters from old Military Science Fiction movies such as Starship Troopers. The funny part about this race is that the backstory implies they're mostly, if not all, Australia in Space: convicts, criminals and dumbasses banished by civilisation to a faraway colony to fend for themselves. Therefore showing what Blizzard thinks of hicks. People who play Terran are usually faggots who think their race takes more skill to use simply because they have to click their mouse and bang on their keyboard more often than people who play the other two races.
Units
- SCV - Kudos to Blizzard for making sure the only black unit in the game is a worker who has to mine crystals and build shit all day.
- Marine - Recruited directly from Prison; they are literally locked inside their armour and forced to shoot aliens in order to earn parole... if they don't get their heads eaten first. They also take steroids every five minutes.
- Firebats - This is what happens when the government gives flamethrowers to psychopathic ex-cons.
- Medic - The only female ground soldier. She heals all the other male soldiers (and sometimes other Medics).
- Ghost - A "special ops" character that nukes enemies from orbit... if the local nuclear silo (one per Command Center) is loaded. Without the nukes and the cloaking field, it is practically useless.
- Vulture - A motorbike that hovers and shoots grenades. Did I mention that it also lays mines?
- Goliath - Mechwarrior ripoff that rapes air units.
- Siege Tank - Shoots way to fucking far in siege mode and is useless in tank mode.
- Wraith - Fighter jet that can make itself invisible. It gets shot down in 5 seconds when something can actually see it though.
- Dropship - These ships are piloted by the bastard daughter of your schoolbus driver and an airline pilot. They can be used to drop your troops inside the enemy's base for a surprise.
- Science Vessel - Shoots out deadly radiation, EMP, sees invisible units and can make your units practically invincible. However, it can't attack so never use it.
- Valkyrie - Flown by an ex-Nazi BSDM queen. Will fuck up anything in the air.
- Battlecruiser - These things are slow and overpriced, like the alcoholics that pilot them. Somehow, Uber-nerds find a way to mass them.
Zerg
Imagine if you hybridised some Bees with the Xenomorphs from Alien, then forcefully genetically-engineer-fuck them with randomly selected bugs, animals and japanese hentai tentacle monsters, and then finally dropped the disgusting mass into the most infernal daemonic abyss of Hell, only to stop the process halfway through. The end result would be the Zerg. Somehow, through the mystical powers of evolution, this race of ugly, mindless aliens managed to become resistant to bullets, fire, missiles, lasers, and even the vacuum of space; which is the only reason they are able to compete with the other two races. Most Zerg units don't speak, making them the easiest race to deal with as you don't have to listen to them spout cheesy lines that some Blizzard staff member thought were funny or cool. Instead you get to hear growling/roaring akin to the bellowing of a mental patient every 5 seconds.
The Zerg are the national animals of Korea. All Koreans are required to play Zerg due to their asiatics. Oddly enough, those other Azns from Japan have not yet incorporated the Zerg into brutal hentai fanart despite the many possibilities of guro, vore and rape.
Units
- Drone - The shittiest worker in the game, you have to sacrifice one if you want to create a building.
- Zergling - It's a grasshopper on steroids. Really fucking annoying to fight due to the fact that they are fast, small, and rip anything apart in under 10 seconds before you could build any base.
- Hydralisk - Somehow sloths managed to evolve into some sort of praying mantis that can shoot spines through steel. This was Blizzard's best attempt at original content.
- Lurker - Overpriced and underpowered, these look like a spider version of the Hydralisk. They burrow underground and shoot giant spines from some unknown part of their body.
- Ultralisk - Big as fuck elephant bastards with huge tusks. These things WILL. NOT. FUCKING. DIE. until you've hit them with a ridiculous amount of firepower.
- Defiler - Eats other Zerg units so it can cast spells. These spells include a magic cloud that somehow stops bullets and a plague that slowly kills anything it hits.
- Overlord - These things control all Zerg units, so you have to build them no matter how pointless it may seem.
- Mutalisk - A worm with wings that shoots other worms as a weapon. The only time they are useful is when you micromanage their every movement.
- Guardian - A flying crab that shoots acid. These units are completely useless due to the fact that they are slow as shit.
- Devourer - Since giant crabs can fly and spit acid, why not a catfish that's been bent in half?
- Queen - Despite the name, Queens are just another pointless unit with useless abilities.
- Scourge - These flying units kamikaze into other air units to deal massive damage, making them the most awesome units in the game.
- Infested Terran - Once infested by the Zerg, a Terran soldier will see the true way of Allah and attempt to claim his 72 virgins.
Protoss
The one race from Starcraft that is at least slightly original. Sadly, this means that the Protoss are the most boring and shitty race to play since all of the Protoss characters are flatter than an anorexic chick. They can be summarised as Azn wish fulfillment for the Korean War: during those times, the theatre of war was completely dominated between the freedom-loving Terrans (America/NATO/UN) and the central-controlled innumerable Zerg (Soviet Union/China) with all the other irrelevant Azns (South Korea/Japan) trapped between them helplessly. Turning to their only advantage, intellectual and technological superiority, they latched onto the Protoss: all psychic and unfairly boast technology far beyond that of the other two races. Almost every Protoss unit costs an assload of money and has over 500 hp. This makes the Protoss the race of choice for noobs and Command-and-Conquer immigrants as all they have to do to win is follow these simple steps:
1. Build a fuckton of probes and mine minerals/gas
2. Summon Buildings nonstop. Because Buildings warp by themselves, Probes can summon multiple Buildings and still mine shit.
3. Use your fuckton of buildings to summon in more units.
4. Rally the units to your opponents base
5. ????
6. PROFIT!
Units
- Probe - The Protoss, being far more advanced than humans, created robot slaves to do their work instead of attempting to make the lazier, darker people of their race do so.
- Zealot - These annoying faggots won't shut up about sacrificing themselves in battle until you make them do so. And despite their advanced technology, they still refuse to arm themselves with ranged weapons.
- Dragoon - The Protoss army is an equal opportunity employer. When a soldier is crippled in battle, they lock them up in one of these four legged deathtraps.
- High Templar - Kills people with their Psionic Storms. Also, they spend most of their time roaming the battlefield looking for new altar boys.
- Dark Templar - The obligatory ninja unit of the game and another pointless unit that Starcraft fanboys furiously masturbate to.
- Archon - Created when two High templar merge together and decide to rape everything in sight.
- Dark Archon - The nigger version of an Archon created when two dark templar merge. Being niggers, their natural talent is stealing the opponent's units.
- Scout - Complete shit. Despite being an advanced alien race,they managed to create an aircraft that is not only slower than the less advanced human counterpart,but twice as expensive too.
- Shuttle - The protoss are such excellent engineers that they couldn't produce a transport that moves faster than a hot air balloon. It also has only 4 seats in the back.
- Carrier - A giant dick shaped airship that fires off over 9000 drones to attack. Will fuck any and everything up.
- Arbiter - Yet another oddball airship, only this makes everything but itself invisible. Almost completly useless.
- Corsair - Flying taser.
- Reaver - Giant robot slug that shoots grenades. The only thing keeping it from being awesome is the fact that it has to have bombs built EVERY FUCKING TIME IT ATTACKs.
- Observer - Useless, even more so than the Scouts.
Starcraft 2: Electric Boogaloo
StarCraft II is the noobfriendly sequel to Starcraft. (Basically what Modern Warfare 2 is to Call of Duty 4.<--If it weren't for grenade spam) Trolling on 4chan and Starcraft 2 forums can be done by posting "Raynor dies" in every thread.
There are only two tactics to the gameplay:
- ZERG RUSH
- TURTLE UP AND SPAM ONE KIND OF UNIT FOR MAXIMUM WIN
You must construct additional pylons!
Razor TSL
The fact that only Azns can play Starcraft was once again exemplified in the recent Razor TSL, a Starcraft fanboy tournament sponsored by Razor, where a ton of adult males were entirely raped by a 16 year-old Chink (wasn't even Korean which makes this even lulzier) on a live stream.
Vespene gas
YOU REQUIRE MOAR VESPENE GAS.
UPDATE:
 |
- 12-05-08, 15:06- MOAR VESPENE GAS ADDED
- 12-05-08, 15:07- STILL REQUIRE MOAR
UPDATE:
 |
- 16-09-08, 09:43- VESPENE GEYSER DEPLETED
- 13-12-08, 09:42- STILL REQUIRES MOAR VESPENE GAS. ALSO, SPAWN MOAR OVERLORDS. AND GIVE ME A FUCKING DOLLAR.
StarCraft: Broodwar
Yet another one of Blizzard's mastercrafted stories of high adventure and heroic deeds. Imagine; you are Admiral Gerard DuGalle of the United Earth Directorate. You betray your best friend because a mysterious nigger told you. You then proceed to lose the most important battle of your life and commit an hero afterwards. Do you cry eri time?
Tournaments
Gallery
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My wife for hire! -
Starcraft go boom. -
VESPENE GAS -
A typical Starcraft online battle. -
Even Starcraft is not safe from raids -
n ur base killin ur doods -
My name is Neo, and I am the One...playing protoss on this map. -
StarCraft: the Movie, introducing the halfbreed ProTerran. -
If your base doesn't look like this your doing it wrong. -
StarCraft 3 confirmed!!!1 -
The overmind in his lair.
Fans Of Starcraft
- South Korean Lee
- FanBoy on JewTube
- The Good Korean JewTuber
- The same Good Korean JewTuber
- Fucktards
- Cho Seung-Hui
- Fags
- Jews
- Robotnik
- abbegirl
- All gooks
See Also
- Blizzard
- Real ID
- Warhammer 40,000 -Blizzard ripped off of this game,which originally came out as a board game in the 1980s
- StarCraft II
- Zerg Rush
- South Korea
Lulzy links
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