Newt Gingrich

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Newt Gingrich (aka: Newton Leroy Jenkins) is the former conservative speaker of the house of representatives and complete and utter fucking failure of a person. During his time as speaker of the house of representatives Newt kept it real with initiatives which pushed the Christian agenda. Like many Republicans Newton does not believe in the theories of Evolution or Global Warming and works vigorously to spread this agenda across the USA. Newton is theorized by David Icke to be a lizard creature charged with enslaving the minds of the world by bringing about endless backward Christian education thus making the goal of conquering America by the lizard people easy.

Government Shut Down

In 1995 the Republican National Committee enjoyed a resurgence by telling everyone that Terrorists were going to eat their children, have sex with their virgins and molest their live-stock and at the helm of the revolution was Newton P Gingrich esquire and professional ladyboy. In 1996, one year after the revolution Gingrich was told he had to sit at the back of Air Force One like a the black person he is so he shut down the entire federal government for a while (which was no big deal because Republicans not doing work is money not being stolen from the taxpayers).

Newton's Gallery of Fail

After no one wanted Newt Gingrich to be in politics anymore, Newt decided to start awarding businesses for excellence for the ultra low price of $5,000. Seriously, this is the only qualification you need to win an award from Newt Gingrich unless you are a strip club, and Newt "accidentily" offered to let you buy his award. In that case he will cancel his diner date with you and take back his award.

Newt also believes in the sanctity of marriage (WHICH MEANS NO MARRIAGE FOR YOU FAGGOTS BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS WILL JUST FILL MARRIAGE WITH GAY AND AIDS!). He believes in it so much he did it 3 times to make sure he could experience that sacred feeling over and over again.

Married Jackie Battley, his former high school geometry teacher at 19. While fucking he Geometry teacher was fun, fucking he while she cancer wasn't. So he started fucking his second wife Marianne Ginther. Jackie Battley said that the divorce came as "complete surprise" when she BAAAWWWWed to the Washington Post, despite that she was the one who asked for the divorce. He eventually had to get a divorce because his he is a man of strong moral values.
He finally married Marianne Ginther because that was the good christian thing to do. However his wife didn't like sucking his dick in parking lots so he decided to get what he needed Callista Bisek. Oh, did I mention that he was getting blown by a bitch that wasn't his wife when he was the leader of the investigation of President Clinton for getting blown by a bitch that wasn't his wife? When asked by the christfags at CBN why he did it he said he did it FOR AMERICA! NO SERIOUSLY, THE EXACT QUOTE IS "There's no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate." He later divorce the old cunt and married the new cunt because he is a man of strong moral values.

Newt decided to run for lulz and free money. He started by starting a twitter account and made up a fuck ton of fake followers to look like he was important, and told people "hey look how popular I am. GIVE ME MONEY!" His staff quit on him because they realized he didn't actually want to be president, he just wanted to sell his DVDs/Books, and he told everyone quoting anything he says in full context is a complete lie and fabrication.

Newt is now leading in polls because people thought it was awesome when Herman Cain cheated on his wife, and America remembered "Hey, Newt did that too. And when he did it it was way lulzier!"