Real Life Super Hero

Tothian found this really cool website called Encyclopedia Dramatica. It's fun for networking.

Super Barrio: "I can't stop a plane or a train single-handed, but I can keep a family from being evicted."

There are quite a few practices that you will stumble across while you are surfing the internet which will make you pause and ask yourself: “This cannot be real, can it?” Phenomena such as Furfaggotry, Scientology, and infantilism often bring internet users to such moments, and the conclusion is almost always “this has got to be a troll.”

Prepare yourself for another one of these moments when you discover the Real Life Super Hero Registry. Yes, this is correct. There are people out there, dressed in spandex tights and long capes, who think that they are actually real life super heroes. In fact, they are so proud of this, they have their own online registry where they document their adventures, talk about crime fighting tools, and post ridiculous pictures of themselves dressed up in their crime-fighting gear.

The Phenomena

Yes, that is a plushie arrow sewn to his head.

At first glance, the casual reader might think that this sort of behavior is related to furfaggotry or to some sort of cosplay. Nothing can be further from the truth, at least to those who actually partake in these super-heroic endeavors. These folks, through massive head injury, psychosis, or extended drug use (paint huffing in particular), actually believe that they are superheroes. What is worse is that they want YOU to believe it as well and any snickering or disbelief is met with open hostility.

Classification

One enterprising super hero enthusiast has taken it into his mind to classify all of the several Real Life Super Heroes, dividing them up by the type of hero they are. Some are "community crusaders," while others are "modern warriors", but the only thing you need to remember about these guys is that all of them are either 14 year-old kids, fresh out of a mental institution, in need of heavy medication, or some sort of closet fan-boy. It is also a pretty good bet that if any of these people ever actually tried to stop a crime, they would wind up beaten to death. They also seem unaware that society already has established ways for people to contribute to it. These are generally referred to as "jobs" or "volunteer work", and they are usually kept organized and efficient by "firms" and "volunteer organizations", respectively. In particular, police officers have long-established, effective ways of stopping and preventing crimes, and are even required to go through training before they can do so, making the resulting police force even more effective. Maybe if these noble heroes with their admirable intentions knew about such phenomena, they would realize how unnecessary it is for them to dress up in costumes and interrupt rapists.

Costumes

Real Life Super Heroes separate themselves from real heroes by putting on wacky costumes when they patrol your neighborhood. While some of these costumes are quite elaborate, other costumes are downright goofy. These people also feel the need to carry utility belts to aid in their crime fighting. One such hero named “Terrifica” sports a belt and lists its contents as such:

“	a golden mask, Valkyrie bra, blond wig, red boots and cape, to distract the men she tries to dissuade from seducing drunk young women. She carries a utility belt containing pepper spray, a cell phone, lipstick, a camera to photograph alleged predators, a journal, Terrifica fortune cards, and Smarties for energy.	„
—[1]

Relationships

This section's blank. None of these people have ever had sex… and I mean ever.

...well unless of course their a Furry superhero. then they have lots of furpile sex after their day spent making an ass out of themselves

The Site

File:RLSH18.jpg

These people wish to stress that they are not Mexican Wrestlers.

The site is an eyesore. Broken URLs, lost images, gaudy flaming backgrounds…these things are the norm on the world superhero registry. The site’s webmaster himself states that he lacks the time and the technical ability to actually put something half way decent up, but that is probably because he is out there, at night, fighting crime. It has several sections, each one funnier than the last:

Super Hero Registry

Here is the actual roster of the various known Real Life Super Heroes. On this page, you will be given super hero information such as the category of the hero, their activity level, their region of operation and their arch enemies (if they have one). The page is broken up into many colorful boxes which divide up each of the more greater known heroes, but there are also sections for retired heroes and heroes in training. Some of the names of these idiots have to be parodies of parodies. For example, check out Angle Grinder Man’s entry.

FAQ

The FAQ page is pretty lame. It reads like a mission statement dictated from one retard to another with stock answers given in a written monotone that resembles 1950’s era cartoon super hero banter. One exception to this rule is where the webmaster explains that he is not role-playing, but that this is, in fact quite real:

“	Q: Is this a role-playing game?	„

“	A: No. This is a movement among ordinary people to make the world a better place in an extraordinary way. There are always those who will take something less seriously, but the Real-Life Superhero community is generally composed of sincere, well meaning people who have finally decided to go out and make a difference.	„

The registry is so serious about this point, and so distrustful of trolls, they will not allow new members to join up if there is even a whiff of a hint that the applicant may be a role-player. These people mean business.

Interviews

What happens when you try to interview somebody incarcerated within an insane asylum? Pretty much the same thing that you get when you try to interview one of the members of the World Super Hero Registry.

“	A vast array of tasks. I do whatever I choose to do. That's my ethics. I'm stuck between Order and Chaos, and move from one pole to another. Basically, I'm a a detective and a patroller but, believe me, I can turn into a man of action quite easily.	„
—Superhero “Entomo” when asked what he does IRL

And just like an insane asylum, there are vastly different flavors of insanity. The following interview answer was supplied by “Terrifica,” who is a female superhero and possibly a lesbian activist in her real life alter ego:

“	I would like young women everywhere to learn from me that they do not need the "love" or "admiration" or "protection" or "affection" of a male un-superhuman to be important in the world. I would like the female unsuperhuman to learn that self-love is the greatest love of all.	„
—Terrifica wants young women to masturbate.

It also sounds like she was either raped by another superhero named “Fantastico” or at least got a shitty date out of the deal. Here, she goes on a disjointed rant about how she woke up raw and exposed:

“	If you have ever met a man whose whimsical, trifling desires were articulations of your hungry heart 's deepest most buried desires, you have met Fantastico. He does not mean to deceive. But your desperation lets him in. And, you wake up the next morning exposed - more raw and abandoned and alone than you ever imagined possible.	„
—Or maybe he just fucked her in the ass and then never called her back.

The last interview on the page is pretty boring. It is with a guy who calls himself “Captain Jackson” who basically just walks around at night with a can of mace in his pocket. Things finally heat up when it is announced by the webmaster that Captain Jackson was assaulted by some criminals while he was on patrol.

“	Captain Jackson called back to relate how he was assaulted since the interview. He was sucker punched and kicked when he was down. He says the only reason he didn't have his nose crushed is that his mask was made of hard plastic, which shattered instead. He is now back on patrol. His assailant was arrested. He wants to remind any youngsters that his advice is not to become a real-life Super Hero. It is highly dangerous!	„
—This is dangerous…son, do not do what I do.

Real Life Super Hero Organizations

An ED favorite: Angle Grinder Man. Prepare to be dismembered, jaywalker!

As if things couldn’t get worse, not only do these people dress up in tights and wander around your neighborhood at night, they also band together and do it in “super teams” much like the Justice League of America or the X-Men. I would tell you what the contents of the page are, but since the HTML coding is so fucked up, nobody can read it, I will only include a screen shot of the desperate levels of failure that the page invokes.

Villains

The super villains have their own guild now, for more information, please see R.O.A.C.H.

“	No matter what your skill set, or the level of your dreams of villainy, we have a position for you. Perhaps you want to lead a department in your city, you can do that. Perhaps you just got laid off from a corporate job and hardcore villainy isn't for you, well, we have positions for you too.	„
—R.O.A.C.H. has a position for you!

Hero Support

This page deals with the batshit groupies that wish to glom onto the Real Life Super Heroes. One such groupie, a Ms. Tora Lopez, who looks like a crime victim, wishes to help out:

“	I would like to introduce myself to you and your network as a qualified designer who would absolutely love to design Real Life Superhero costumes. I have limited experience with superheroes, something I hope to change, however I do have a lot of experience working with celebrities. So in matters concerning anonymity I can offer a lot of experience.	„
—This chick is also a furry.

Besides having a furry within their community, they also have at least one BDSM enthusiast who also appears to moonlight as a locksmith:

“	you are a RLSH and want a leather mask, just email me. I will gladly be of assistance. I design custom machines, tools and prototyping. I own and run a full welding and machine shop. I Provide Lockout Services and assistance. I provide support and counseling. I provide solutions. (At least try to) I hold no special powers or psychic ability. I am a critical thinker.	„
—You are also critically brain damaged.

Tutorials

“	Good mobility, reasonably priced and decent protection from edged weapons. It is not much good against blunt weapons and is useless against firearms.	„
—Who cares if it's useless against stabbing, shooting, or even getting hit by a bat? It can stop...sword wielding villains. Maybe.

Have you ever wanted to build and use your own net gun? Now’s your chance! The tutorials page also includes advice on costumes, stun guns, stun gloves, surveillance items, homing transmitters, maintaining your secret identity, and how to work in a lawful manner within your community, since most of this stuff is illegal and will probably end up with you getting a beat-down from the local police force.

In the interest of sanity, and legality, Encyclopedia Dramatica wishes, at this time, to offer a small disclaimer concerning Real Life Super Hero Tutorials: if you wish to pull on spandex pants, go out in the middle of the night and act like batman, nobody is going to stop you. If you think you are Rorschach and can stop a bullet with a net gun, be our guest. Finally, if you manage to kill somebody or in the process of stopping a crime manage to get yourself killed, please send all videos, mp3 files, and images to Encyclopedia Dramatica. If you are ever arrested, or in any serious danger, please email the webmaster of the World Superhero Registry at the following link: [email protected] He also wants you to get in touch with him if you ever find a really cheap outlet store that carries Kevlar material.

Philosophy

The site’s mission statement (much like the rest of the site) reads like a very old comic book script. When reading it, it is probably best practice to read it out loud in your deepest “Superman” voice. Saying “up, up, and AWAAAAAY” can be added for that extra special touch of authenticity.

Do No Harm
Mistakes are unacceptable when one is dealing with matters of Life and Death. Getting into a battle with a villain risks not only the lives of those involved, but those of anyone within range of their weapons.
Non-lethal means of apprehending a villain provide an essential safety-margin, although even non-lethal techniques can sometimes result in injury or death. Sound judgment is always essential to prevent tragedy.
Unless a Hero chances upon a major crime in progress, careful research and planning are essential to any action to be taken. Poor research and planning could result in trying to apprehend undercover law-enforcement officers and other undesirable outcomes.

Fairness
Although it may be tempting to pursue petty criminals due to the ease with which they can be found, in many cases it does not truly serve the cause of justice, nor is it worth the risk.
Apprehending prostitutes saves no lives, protects no property, and does not significantly advance the cause of justice. Apprehending casual drug users is also of limited value to society.
When confronted by an essentially victimless crime, the appropriate response is, more often than not, a stern lecture.

I like that last part about leaving hookers alone. Or the early part that mentions the possibility of assaulting undercover cops.

Legal Advice

This page, you would think, should be full of all sorts of interesting stories about how these idiots deal with the law enforcement departments in their area, but since most of them are 14 year old boys with Kittypride/Wonder Woman masturbation fantasies, all you are going to get is a brief blurb from a law student offering his services in case you manage to get in trouble. Oh, and since he is Canadian, good luck to all the Americans who manage to get busted by their mothers while jacking off to the latest rule 34 image of Silk Spectre. I highly doubt a Canadian law student can get you out of a two week’s grounding from the PlayStation.

Forum

The World Super Hero Registry’s forum is at least professionally done. That is, you can read the actual words these people are typing out on a singular word by word basis. Stringing those words together in a sane and rational theme is another story. While the forum is mostly dead and has been snowed under by spam-bot messages selling Mexican Viagra and Panamanian Allegra, there are some gems to be found within the several subforums. Below, you will find some examples of the kinds of posts you will find on the World Super Hero Registry’s forum:

Getting Started

From the thread What have you done?

“	2 weeks ago i took a knife to the abdominal area (stupid mistake i made at the time) to help a young boy who was being harrassed by a local drug dealer to try some heroin. i took care of the dealer and walked the terrified boy home and left when he got into his house. treated the wound and went home.	„
—Superhero rls.r

“	stop 6 rapes busted 2 Meth labs and gave the money they had to charity. Mug a muger on a sting you should have seen his face. I got lot of people stuff back from him and mail their goods them back to them. Plus I'm working on caching the doggy door bandits. I Got my P.I licence which is so orsome because it give more respected in the eyes of law. Cool every one should get one here.	„
—Superhero The Black Mantis

“	got the living piss beaten out of me when i tried to break up a domestic fight in my apartment building (dumb bitch nailed me on the head with a rolling pin when my back was turned, mind you i was illegally in their apartment so i cant really complain)	„
—Superhero Screaming Eagle, who is in your house.

From the thread “How To Be a Crime Fighter” which is basically a list of myths and realities. The original site that was linked in the first post is thankfully gone from the internet, but one user archived the whole thing in the thread:

“	Myth: You can gather subtle clues and eventually put an end to international crime rings and other such grand-scale institutions of evil. Reality: You will be arrested for crossing police lines, or witnesses will refuse to cooperate, or you'll be killed by organised crime. You very likely don't have the equipment or skills to properly analyse clues from a crimescene (it's not like Sherlock Holmes in real life; you do need a forensics team).	„
—Just in case you think you are a superhero.

“	OVERLY PESSIMISTIC!! GADGETS ONLY MAKE NOISE IF YOUR OUTFIT IS POORLY DESIGNED OR THE GADGETS ARE LOOSE. THEY ARE ONLY GOING TO BREAK IF POORLY DESIGNED OR ABUSED. PLAN YOUR COSTUME WELL, SECURE ALL DEVICES, AND ONLY TAKE ONES THAT ARE ACTUALLY USEFUL!! DON’T GO OVERBOARD OR USE UNTESTED GADGETS.	„
—Sound advice, and not just for super hero antics either!

From the thread “I am putting together a superhero team” where mystery67 explains his needs:

“	I have several black belts and in about a year I am going to china to train personally with the shoalin monks. When I return I hope to have a team of superheroes that help me bring justice back to this broken world. This is not going to be some small operation either. I am going to need someone who is tech savy that is either able to acquire or develop a lot different gear or gadgets for my team. We are also going to need someone who has a good deal of money to be able to fund our operations. I am not yet sure on the amount of people I want in the team yet but to become part of the team you need to pocess at least one or two special skills and be in great physical shape that can be demonstrated to me or other members of the team before you can become a member. I am not messing around with this and it is the real deal. More information will be provided at a later date about the evil we will be fighting at a global level. Again this is a seroius operation so please only reply with serious comments.	„
—What. The. Fuck.

Announcements

This forum is just a bunch of kids arguing about who has the rights to use which superhero names and who is going to sue who in case somebody steals their really cool ideas.

From the thread hello pplz…im back to tell you”

“	You have no rights to use my team name in your newest comic. I own the damn rights to it and it is my choice if you use it or not.	„
—Christ, it’s not like you are G.I. Joe or something.

Oh god, somebody posted some fan fiction too.

Secret Identities

The Secret Identities forum is pretty much a bunch of kids talking about how they can levitate their small, white penises, but there are some serious people there as well, and they are funnier than the kids. There are also multiple posts about how to keep your identity secret: From the thread “Identities”

“	"Hope for the best prepare for the worst". best advice to give to someone wanting to do this. take everything seriously when it comes to hiding. never leave anything that could come back and bite you in the ass. trust no one even if you think they'll understand. If you want to be taken seriously and not as a joke, it means that you actually put your life at stake so it means no screw ups. it may be lonely but it's not about the individuals needs and wants, it's about the needs and wants of others. i hope this helps.	„
—If you want to be taken seriously…

The Rest of the Forums

Don’t bother with them. Even though the forum is still active as of this writing, most of the sub-boards are crushed under huge amounts of spam postings that advertise prescription drugs. If you want to purchase these sorts of drugs, you may want to visit them…and they also have the distinct ability to be a bit less boring than the active subforums.

The Real Life Super Heroes

No study of this phenomena would be complete without giving examples of some of these morons. Below you will find a brief synopsis of them, pictures, links, and perhaps contact information, should you wish to email them and tell them just how proud you are of them.

Tothian

Warning: This guy really wanted Encyclopedia Dramatica to know he existed, considering he used this page for free advertising for three years.

Fashioning his thin frame with an oily ponytail, Tothian patrols *Wherever he's from* with the composure of that guy who massages sleeping passengers' breasts on a plane. Instead of making friends in kindergarten, Tothian- he doesn't want you to know his real name- has spent his entire cognoscente life patrolling the neighborhood, hoping to get gang-raped one of these days. After ~~dropping out of~~ graduating from a military high school at sixteen, and joining the Marines at 17, he has served for years as President of the Heroes Network. His superpower is that he doesn't have testicles, so kicking him in the crotch is encouraged in his book.

“	I found this pigeon and I thought it was dying, and Z thought it was retarded. So, let me show you what happens when I try to feed it. It can't eat anything. I don't know if it's retarded, or... dying.	„
—The thrilling apex of Tothian's career, when he discovered his spirit animal.

He also wants you to contact him. Did I say that right, Supreme Leader Tothian?

Insignis

“	I wear a uniform with a mask. I may be a bit odd by normal standards but, like so many others in the world today, I saw a need for change. So, I started within myself. That's when wearing the uniform, and patrolling the city at night became my other job. Welcome to the Black Monday Society of Salt Lake City, Utah.	„
—They let this guy have a blog.

This guy looks like a real sinister hombre. His black costume is adorned with a white symbol that resembles the Zodiac Killer’s cross-glyph. His identity is secret, but that shouldn’t stop you from seeing him at the local 7-11 where he has the double duties of running the Slushie machine and making sure 12 year-olds don’t rip off all the beef jerky. He is also a member of the “Black Monday Society” which sounds like a cross between a militant black activist group from the 60s and a weekly meeting of an elderly sewing circle. His gallery entry lists three websites by which you can contact him, but none of them work.

Entomo

	“	I inject justice.	„
	—Superhero “Entomo” who isn’t creepy at all.

If things couldn’t get worse, now there is a guido superhero. Entomo hails from Italy and is a very active superhero as confirmed by the local media. In reality, he is a 32 year old failure who lives with his parents in Naples. Recently, he quit the internet forever, stating “I am officially OUT OF THE ONLINE MESS.” This is probably because the criminal scum in his area found out that he couldn’t code a web page to save his own life and beat the living shit out of him for wandering around at night:

“	I've recovered very well from my surgery intervention, and doing fine with training and intense physiotherapy. I feel ultra-agile and fast again, and it's a success all over the place. I'm also experiencing HUGE accomplishments in my private/professional life as civilian, so I'm regaining momentum after some difficult and complicated month	„
—He promises to come back as a superhero in 2010.

Contact:

Ghost

“	Doesn't matter how many people snicker at us. what matters is we are out there doin our duty for justice..	„
—Trust me, people aren’t snickering at the justice.

He isn’t “the” ghost, he is GHOST, which is pretty damn cool. It’s too bad nobody in their right mind would want to be rescued by this creep, much less have this goth/speed-metal wannabe around doing surveillance in their neighborhood. In any event, he does just that, patrolling Salt Lake City, Utah dressed up like a cross between a goth and a fairy. He is a 24 year old Sagittarius who has a high school education and is confirmed active by the Registry and has made small media appearences. He is also a member of that revolutionary black power faction known as “Black Monday Society.” Contact:

Amazonia

With a name like that, you are begging to be called a lesbian. Amazonia is the founder of “Vixens of Valour” which really means “survivors of being touched by daddy.” She is active in the New York City area but somehow manages to patrol the streets of Ocala, Florida. She is here to protect the innocent, keep order, and hit on your girlfriend after a few drinks at the bar.

“	I finally had enough of seeing the gangs terrorizing the downtown section of my city. They would mug, beat and otherwise harass senior citizens and women. So I took up the mantle of Amazonia and set out to do what I could to help others.	„
—Can you take up the mantle of “back to the kitchen” please?

Contact:

Myspace
Official Website – make sure to check out some of her patrol blogs.

The Eye™

See that guy over there? He calls himself The Eye™ and makes sure to use that trademark in case somebody steals all his cool ideas. The Eye™ is a 51 year old creep who fancies himself as a street-level, practical crime fighter, who uses various electronic and other means to prevent crime. What that means is he probably has a webcam focused on his next door neighbor’s shower window. He hails from northern California and claims to have many years experience as a private investigator who uses electronics. So yes, this guy is basically the type of old creepy man who takes pictures of people cheating on their wives and roots through underwear drawers for a living. Also, he happens to be married to another superhero:

“	With my partner in crime fighting (and life) my wife Lady Mystery, we also perform periodic clean-up and monitoring of the nearby baylands (The Palo Alto Baylands Wildlife Preserve, and Shoreline Park in Mountain View), to preserve the marshland as Nature intended, for future generations. Trained to mastery in the style of Kung-Fu known as Northern Shaolin Praying Mantis, and with a martial arts background going back to 1973, I have over the years since developed several of my own fighting styles that I teach.	„
—Wasn’t 1973 the year “Enter the Dragon” came out?

Contact:

Myspace

Nostrum

“	You know I exist, you know who I am, so know if you step foot on my streets I will be watching you.	„
—Actually, no. I was unaware that you existed until you and your idiot friends put a website up about yourselves.

Besides having a superhero name that resembles “nostril,” this guy looks exactly like a serial rapist. Black trench coat, black fedora, white tie, KKK hood…I think he’s seen “The Watchmen” one too many times. He patrols the state of Louisiana and states that he does so at night. Right, that’s because it’s easier to get away with rape if your victim is bewildered by darkness…and your fat, black hooded face.

“	When night comes, I don my uniform and work to keep society's virtues and morals in place by doing all I can to stop crime, corruption, and chaos.	„
—While helping yourself to that extra Twinkie.

Contact:

Myspace

DANGERMAN

Possibly the biggest idiot out of all the "heroes", DANGERMAN is a middle aged black person who's only actual superpowers are teaching kids about reading, eating healthy, not smoking crack, and being dumb enough to think the kids care. DANGERMAN is to be typed in all caps because the ghetto is serious business. To top off the whole "old man in a blue spandex suit" thing, this guy is stupid enough to have had his online profiles phished at least 4 times. If this man is really running around the inner cities of America dressed like this, it's only a matter of time before he is either gunned down or shanked.

Contact:

Website
MySpace
YouTube
Facebook
Skype: dangermanurbansuperhero

Quotes

	“	I don't want to hear any F-bombs.	„
	—Super villain "Swordkane" doesn't want to hear any F-bombs.

	“	Wow, they suck. Maybe if they put more effort into the costumes it wouldn’t be so embarrassing.	„
	—No, it still would be that embarrassing.

	“	Not gonna happen. I learned my lesson, and took it to heart. I’m never going to quit…Not until I stop breathing.	„
	—the Eye.

	“	In my mind I picture myself getting shot while patrolling. I don't find any real crime in my city, but if I go there I will for sure find alot of illegal activity.	„
	—Judge Justice.

	“	I encountered tons of this graffiti on one of my routes this week. An entire neighborhood is practically covered in it. South Side Maniacs? thats a little comic bookish , I'd say.	„
	—It's not the only thing comic bookish.

	“	This morning's efforts have been very rewarding. First I was able to help a motorist get into her car.	„
	—A hero named "semen."

	“	Sunny, and cool. As I was waiting for my light to change at the intersection, I noticed over in the ditch, a chocolate lab limping. So, my light changes, I pull over on the shoulder. Walk carefully up to him, and see that he's hurt bad, ended up getting blood on my hands and coat. Besides the blood, I could tell his breathing was labored, he'd been hit, and hit hard. He had a collar, so I looked with for a tag with a number to call. Called, and informed the guy of my name, where I was at, and the situation with his dog.	„
	—Patriot

	“	and yeah dude. after having you with us here in Vancouver, you really are one of us. we're just waiting for you to get into spandex.	„
	—Thanatos

Previous Quote | Next Quote

In The News

Phoenix Jones chases away a carjacker. The carjacker was of course a black guy. [2] News Article comments:

“	umm...setup much? sounds like the "carjacker" was a friend of "pheonix's"...i want superheroes more than anyone else, but they don't exist.	„
—ediblegenius

“	This is why I never leave my home in Seattle without a gun. I wear openly, spooked people at Starbucks by doing so. I don't need a costume to fight crime, I fight crime by being openly armed in public, something that scare criminals more than cops any day. And yes, if I am ever forced to remove my weapon from it's holster it's the day I shoot someone, as you never point a gun at anything your not going to shoot after you finish aiming.	„
—wolfiexiii

“	I suggest he wear some leather sap gloves to protect his hands? In the event of a knife attack, the hands are the part of the body most often injured. If a bad guy with AIDS cuts Phoenix's hands and then Phoenix punches the guy out, and the bad guys blood enters the hand wound...	„
—metroid

Gallery

	“	Given the way most of these people look, I think I would rather take my chances with the attacker	„
	—Recent mugging victim who was unsuccessfully rescued by a hero.