Batman
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The Goddamn Batman is the bat-themed Anti-hero, eerily based on NO SHIT SHERLOCK Holmes and Zorro in a film noire style. Created by DC comics in the late 30s and early 40s as a form of propaganda to promote and instill faith in J. Edgar Hoover's so called scientific approach to police investigations of crime and criminal behaviour by the FBI. Unlike the FBI from this time, Batman is free from politics and always gets the right man unlike Hoover and Purvis who have become known for faking evidence just so they could gun someone down like Pretty Boy Floyd because he was causing the lulz.
Batman wasn't exactly original or ground breaking, and certainly wasn't the first comic book character of his kind. You can tell because by the time Batman's creator got into the business, all the other good furry-themed superhero animals were obviously taken. However, Batman is said to be among the first complex comic book characters, as he is constantly dealing with his own personal demons, such as the loss of his parents, and his closet homosexuality as presented in the text below.
Supporting characters
The Joker
A clown-themed super-villain. Joker is the hallmark IRL Troll of the Batman franchise because, honestly, he's unpredictable and does everything just for shits and giggles. He has been played by people such as Jack Nicholson, Luke Skywalker, and even a gay cowboy.
Many yaoi fangirls are attracted to the character of the Joker due to their misplaced belief that his character is all about putting on clownish make-up and attention-seeking. To them, this is perfectly normal behavior, and they judge it as 'Bishie'. The Joker was way more badass in the past when DC wasn't worried about consistency, selling toys and keeping fangirls panties at or around the wet-nap level. In Batman Return of the Dark Knight this motherfucker broke his own neck just for the lulz of being able to frame Batman with his death.
Other Villains
The Batman has a complete set of villains not played by Heath Ledger. Batman villains all have strong themes, such as a sexual attraction to Alice in Wonderland, and they are all batshit insane, not to mention completely faggy and ridiculous. Batman villains include:
- Anarky - V from V for Vendetta, but without the mask and with a big Ⓐ on his shirt. There are literally no other differences.
- Baby Doll - Criminally insane permaloli who has secks with Killer Croc.
- Bane - Mexican drug addict, Illegal immigrant, steroid dealer and wrestler. Nobody cared who he was until he put on the mask. He represents everything that Trump wants to keep out with his wall.
- Black Mask - Prefers to be called African-American Mask nowadays.
- Bruno - All around crazy bitch. She's a Neo-Nazi wannabe ubermensch for the Aryan race that is best known for the Swastikas covering her tits that works for the Joker. The most interesting fact about her is that one of Kevin Smith's shit-loving Batman villains will probably see a movie before her because she serves as proof of Frank Miller's over zealous fascination with all things Nazi, long before Sin City was ever released or Naruto and Bleach were using Swastikas like they were pumpkin stickers in a Special Ed classroom and putting them everywhere.
- Calendar Man - No, really. Serial killer that can only kill on bank holidays like nigger day. Most frustrating out of all the characters in the Xbox One version of Arkham City because you can not manually reset the console's calendar to get his achievement.
- Catwoman - Fursuiter. Unfortunately totally a furry. Actually blew up a government installation to save some cats. Gets pissed if you don't like pussies.
- Clayface - A huge walking turd.
- Clock King - A jerk who hates clocks.
- The Dee Dee Twins The only memorable characters from that craptastic Bat-turd called Batman Beyond because, 2 words - Twins and Incest as the writers of the show were always trying to imply that these two are Scissor Sisters in Batman Beyond through the use of clever dialogue between the two. Fan favorites because fans like to argue that they show that the Joker could stop obsessing about The Batman long enough to get a hard on and fuck Harley even though The Dee Dee Twins have no canonical relation to either of them and were adopted by a lonely, crazy cat lady version of Harley Quinn in the future well after the Joker was killed by Tim Drake but no-one cares about Tim. This whole story was made up to get people to care about Tim Drake but no-one did. It was later rewritten into Batman Arkham Knight and people did care because it didn't involve what's his name.
- Hugo Strange - Evil neckbeard and one of the only villains to know Batman's real identity.
- Killer Croc - Also available in Spiderman, not a furry. Not a Half-breed crocman anymore. Just some guy with a bad case of eczema.
- Harley Quinn ✡- The Joker's Jewess whore. She was originally introduced in Batman the Animated Series but later made it into comics and video games because fanboys flooded DC with letters of how they loved to fap to her. Most fans, or at least the ones who can read an issue of Batman featuring her without the need for a sock on their dick think Arleen Sorkin did a much better job as her voice. While Arleen Sorkin and Tara Strong might both sound like a Jewish American Princess from Queens, New York that is having problems with her adenoids, Arleen Sorkin doesn't make it sound like Fran Dresher doing an interpretation of the character. She is beloved by fangirls, because domestic violence is so super kawaii and they love schlicking to images of the Joker stuffing Pepsi bottles up his Chooki's twat and ass. Every other year, fans are forced to suffer through DC writers as they stretch their creative muscles and rip off Pagliacci for the hundred-milionth time and have the Joker kill a cheating Whorish Harley Quinn just because.
- Mad Hatter - A pedo in a stupid hat that wants to ass fuck a girl named Alice.
- Man-Bat - A furry and jumpscare in Arkham Knight.
- Mister Freeze - He's cool. His real name is "Victor Fries".
- Onomatopoeia - Kevin Smith's Mary Sue villain, an assassin whose schtick is providing his own sound effects. While a guy saying sound effects can sometimes appear cool in a comic book, in a movie or TV show having a guy say "Bang!" after firing a gun would look fucking ghey, so because of this plus Kevin Smith's love of fecalphilia, he has zero chance of ever appearing outside of a comic book or any comic book that isn't being written by Kevin Smith. No joke, Kevin Smith actually believes that giving a character eccentricities like an obsession for shit equals high literature. This should also explain as to why he is incapable of making a movie unless it references Star Wars over 9000 times a minute.
- The Motherfuckin' Penguin
- Poison Ivy - Likes plants so much she became one, best friends and has an in cannon relationship with Harley Quinn. Played by Uma in the movies.
- Professor Pyg - Sick fuck in a pig mask that some fans accuse as being ripped off from Bruce Campbell's character in Escape From L.A. - or not.
- Prometheus - Ridiculous Mary Sue villain, invented by Grant Morrison while high. Once took out the entire Justice League, but then got blindsided by Green Arrow.
- Ra's al Ghul - The only Arab villain Batman fights, which is highly unrealistic, because as we all know Arabs are always up to no good. His name is pronounced 'racial ghoul'. They say it means Head of the demon in Arabic.
- Talia al Ghul - Daughter of Ra's al Ghul. Briefly married to Batman. Most fans will say that she was just Bruce's beard to stop Gotham residents from spreading rumors about how he always has more young boys over at his Mansion than Michael Jackson on a little boy bender in Cambodia, Mother of Damian Wayne. Got sick of raising the insufferable brat and dumped him on Batman when he was 10.
- Riddler - Faggot who can't stop using stupid riddles. Was cool for a short period when he was being based on Frank Gorshin's playing of the character, seriously, he's the only redeeming quality from that piece of shit, Adam Westy fuck up from the 60's.
- The Scarecrow - A skinny white man who induces fear in people with hallucinogenic drugs, giving the comic book artists a chance to draw cool, trippy shit. Even though he ponces about wearing an outfit made of straw and other highly flammable materials, Batman never just sets him on fire. Despite being a scrawny little freak with a big nose, has loads of fangirls, probably because in the movies he was played by that watery-eyed wax-faced Irish boy from 28 Days Later.
- The Sewer King - Nobody gives a fuck about Sewer King because he brings back horrible memories of being in High School and being forced to read Oliver Twist. If we are going by Charles Dickens' original book, The Sewer King is based on the character of Fagin is an evil Jew pedophile.
- Solomon Grundy - A character concept rejected from Resident Evil and stolen from Superman or Green Lantern (what's the difference, all underwear fetishists anyway) because writers felt that Batman needed some villains that weren't so damn intellectual. Lives in the sewer and recites poetry.
- Two Face - Indecisive cunt with really bad sunburn down one side of his body, because the Joker replaced his sun tan lotion with toxic clown jizz. Has a coin fetish.
- The Ventriloquist - Started as creepy guy talking to a puppet. Recently became a hot chick.
- Mr. Zsasz - Serial killer and cumpulsive cutter that has an obsession with the movie, When A Stranger Calls.
The Good Guys
- Commissioner Gordon: Head of the Gotham City police Department. Considered one of Batman's most trusted allies, despite the fact that the cops never even show up until after Batman subdues the villains. Best known for looking the other way when it comes to Batman's ever changing cast of Robin's.
- Barbara Gordon: Commissioner Gordon's ginger daughter. She was at one point shot in the spine but fully recovered and became Batwoman. Fans got major butthurt when the writers tried to prove Batman's heterosexuality when they had her fuck Batman in the Video release of the Killing Joke.
- The Question: Like Batman, the Question has no real superpowers besides being intelligent. Best known as that character that the writer who graduated with a BA in philosophy writes for because he is incapable of finding work that doesn't include fries in its job description that makes use of his degree. He often wears a suit and a green mask that removes all facial features. Because of the Justice League Unlimited cartoons, some fans like to put him with the Huntress.
- Robin:
—Batman, telling it how it is. | ||
—Racist Joke | ||
- Batman's shota sidekick, and "adopted son". If you possess an IQ over 10 and have looked at the comic, you are probably like most and have nicknamed him Bullseye for his love of bright colored clothes for sneaking around in the shadows when everyone in universe gets nice dark clothing to maximize their ability to conceal themselves in the darkness of night. He specializes in hand jobs, and getting captured by the Joker. He is deeply in love with Batman and is often found trying to seduce him by wearing faggy short tights. When not trying to get into Batman's pants or getting his ass kicked, he can be found being replaced by another kid for getting too old. Said replacements include:
- Dick Grayson: Circus freak and the oh so serious leader of the Teen Titans that hyperactive autistic fantards will spend days on end arguing about his identity in the cartoon because the Teen Titans Robin wears long pants in the cartoon like Tim Drake (Nobody Cares) and not shorts like Dick Grayson. Temporarily becomes Batman after Batman caused him tremendous butthurt by choosing Azrael before him following Bane's huge tardhug. Fanfags are best known as trying to argue away his faggy, party boy, disco short-shorts by trying to remind trolls or curious people that the shorts were originally a part of his Flying Grayson's circus clothes that he and Batman ingeniously left unchanged. No one put 2 and 2 together and realized that Bruce Wayne adopted Dick Grayson (who was one of the Flying Graysons) and Robin dresses like Dick Grayson from the Flying Graysons, therefore Bruce Wayne must be Batman except for Tim Drake but nobody really cares about him. Quits being Batman's sidekick for one butthurt reason or another to grow a mullet and become Nightwing.
- Jason Todd: Discovered by Batman when he was trying to steal the hubcaps off The Fucking Batmobile and wasn't buried where he was standing because he was a WHITE, underaged pretty boy. Pwned by the Joker because fans called in and voted for his death because he was too fucking emo for the 80's. Comes back to life when emo becomes popular, but more, because someone thought it'd be cute to teach girls to read and now they were demanding characters in Batman that were more like the characters that they were familiar with in Yaoi and Shota. For the lulz remind fans that it was his whore of a mom who sold him out to the Joker for $10 and a pity fuck.
- Tim Drake: Nobody cares. Is into cripple sex and marries Batgirl/Oracle.
- Stephanie Brown: Girl Robin introduced because they wanted to draw more hot chicks in spandex and tight leather. Only lasted three issues before getting killed. As usual, the fucks at DC kept "retconning" her character.
- Damian Wayne: Son of Bruce and Talia al Ghul (Ra's al Ghul's daughter). Talia raped Bruce by slipping a roofie into his ginger ale so don't you think for a second that he's straight. Recently got pwned.
- Carrie Kelly: Popularly known in Batman "Official Canon" as the first girl Robin. Carrie is an alternate universe, geeky, ginger haired Girl Robin that wears glasses who turned up, in predictable Deus Ex Machina fashion, at the exact moment Batman needed her the most. Because Batman was getting his ass kicked, because Bruce Wayne got tired of his impulsive decision to retire after Jason Todd was killed by the Joker and felt it was time to make an ill advised comeback, since crime rates in Gotham were making Detroit and North-East Ohio look like decent places to live. Her parents are dope-smoking ex-hippies that are so stoned that they can't remember if they have a daughter or not, which makes it more than easy for her to sneak out or explain away the bruises she gets from crime fighting. Just blame it on an abusive ex-boyfriend or her gymnastics classes (that she hasn't been to in over a year, when they haven't smoked enough dope and actually notice her). As her name suggests, she is a lower middle class Irish Catholic and like most children with her socio-economic background she was conceived during an underage, drunken frenzy in the back of a '67 GTO, sometime around midnight, in their Church's parking lot. This, like many parents with the same mistakes in their past, is the source of her parent's apathy because even if it was the '60s, early 70's or any decade, they were Catholic and couldn't get her sucked out. She has a fondness for shooting people in the balls with her slingshot and the honor of being designed by Frank Miller to make fanfags feel straight because now they're able to wank to a girl in the original Dick Grayson Robin outfit, not that they weren't already fapping to Dick Grayson. They just had the excuse now, that if someone walked in, they could say that they thought it was Carrie Kelly because both are pretty much built the same because Business consultants didn't want to waste their precious Jew Gold on a new molding die if a toy was going to be made; when they could just change out the head on a pre-existing one. Need proof: look at He-Man. In DC's "New 52" she is, or was, Damian Wayne's tutor and then promoted to the age of 18 or 19 because current DC writers and artists want to be guilt-free when they put her in creepy sexual situations with their Mary Sue characters that come out of nowhere and have no ties to the current plot. It has become popular by current DC artists to draw her 13 year old Robin version with melon heavy breasts and an ass that goes boom, because as Anime has taught us, "If she's 13 and not built like a Playboy model, no one will pay attention to her." Not wanting another Tim Drake, DC Comics has made this rule a law and this is why you have 14 year old girls like Raven, Batgirl or Stargirl that all can cut glass with their nipples or pick up sewing needles with their ass cheeks in any cartoon or other animated medium following the success of the original release of Teen Titans on Cartoon Network.
- Carrie Kelly: Popularly known in Batman "Official Canon" as the first girl Robin. Carrie is an alternate universe, geeky, ginger haired Girl Robin that wears glasses who turned up, in predictable Deus Ex Machina fashion, at the exact moment Batman needed her the most. Because Batman was getting his ass kicked, because Bruce Wayne got tired of his impulsive decision to retire after Jason Todd was killed by the Joker and felt it was time to make an ill advised comeback, since crime rates in Gotham were making Detroit and North-East Ohio look like decent places to live. Her parents are dope-smoking ex-hippies that are so stoned that they can't remember if they have a daughter or not, which makes it more than easy for her to sneak out or explain away the bruises she gets from crime fighting. Just blame it on an abusive ex-boyfriend or her gymnastics classes (that she hasn't been to in over a year, when they haven't smoked enough dope and actually notice her). As her name suggests, she is a lower middle class Irish Catholic and like most children with her socio-economic background she was conceived during an underage, drunken frenzy in the back of a '67 GTO, sometime around midnight, in their Church's parking lot. This, like many parents with the same mistakes in their past, is the source of her parent's apathy because even if it was the '60s, early 70's or any decade, they were Catholic and couldn't get her sucked out. She has a fondness for shooting people in the balls with her slingshot and the honor of being designed by Frank Miller to make fanfags feel straight because now they're able to wank to a girl in the original Dick Grayson Robin outfit, not that they weren't already fapping to Dick Grayson. They just had the excuse now, that if someone walked in, they could say that they thought it was Carrie Kelly because both are pretty much built the same because Business consultants didn't want to waste their precious Jew Gold on a new molding die if a toy was going to be made; when they could just change out the head on a pre-existing one. Need proof: look at He-Man. In DC's "New 52" she is, or was, Damian Wayne's tutor and then promoted to the age of 18 or 19 because current DC writers and artists want to be guilt-free when they put her in creepy sexual situations with their Mary Sue characters that come out of nowhere and have no ties to the current plot. It has become popular by current DC artists to draw her 13 year old Robin version with melon heavy breasts and an ass that goes boom, because as Anime has taught us, "If she's 13 and not built like a Playboy model, no one will pay attention to her." Not wanting another Tim Drake, DC Comics has made this rule a law and this is why you have 14 year old girls like Raven, Batgirl or Stargirl that all can cut glass with their nipples or pick up sewing needles with their ass cheeks in any cartoon or other animated medium following the success of the original release of Teen Titans on Cartoon Network.
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- Marlon Wayans: This is an interesting bit of trivia and worthy of being placed here. Because this lucky-ass motherfucker gets residuals from Batman Returns even though he wasn't in it because he was cast, on contract and already paid when the last second decision by Tim Burton to remove Robin from the movie came thru. Burton felt there were already too many characters to focus on, unlike Joel Schumacher's legendary fuck up Batman and Robin.
Batmobile
Either the most badass or gayest car ever, depending on which series you are watching/reading. The best thing about the Batmobile is that if you happen to run anyone over while driving it, then there's pretty much no doubt as to who did it, so you could probably get away with anything. The only thing Batman hates more than chocolate ice cream and people getting coffee stains on his couch cushions is people making fun of his car.
Alignment
Batman's alignment is subject to constant debate, and seems to defy the conventions of the system. Given the sheer amount of time that Bat-Fans have on their hands, you think they would figure out this shit eventually. Here are the fruits of their lack of labor:
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The Dark Knight
Moar info: The Dark Knight IMDb Board.
The Dark Knight is considered by top critics to be the greatest thing to ever happen to them since their last excursion in totally legitimate reproductive intercourse. It hit the number one spot on IMDB's best movies of all time list within an hour of its release and then garnered more money than the first Star Wars film, solidifying it as "one of the most awesome movies of all time". Despite this, when the movie came to Japan the inhabitants of Godzilla-land showed zero interest in the film. The Mummy 3, What Happens in Vegas, and Sex in the City all had higher box office intake than The Dark Knight. Why so unpopular? It has to do with Japan's utter hatred for manly men who have to shave and have a baritone voice, big penises, and muscles. Japan likes heroes that look like androgynous pop idols who whine about how sad they are. The sheer manliness of Christian Bale's cock probably made the entire country tremble in fear.
Fanboys lined up for hours to watch this masterpiece. Too bad it was about as entertaining as British porn, but at least you get to see Batman's dong, thanks to the new batsuit. Oh, and Heath Ledger's not going to be in the sequel. Remember to write Mary-Kate Olsen and thank her for helping a mediocre, completely un-memorable actor become over-rated and over-exposed because she decided to sell him the drugs, when he was fiending, that killed him the same time that for shit Batman movie opened. Now we get to hear over paid, boring movie analysts, (this also includes the poor and twice as boring internet movie analysts like Chris Chan's brother,) tell us how Ledger's commitment to the method style of acting brought about his death and put him in the running for a Golden I-pod.
Galleries
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Joker is a pretty cool guy.
eh kills kids with a metal bar and doesn't afraid of anything.
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Bawwwwwwwww. -
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Robin letting the bat out of the bag -
Yes, he hates chocolate. -
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Batfag loves dem little bitty boyz -
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Another classic issue. -
A man completely secure with his heterosexuality. -
No, this pic isn't shopped. -
Batman trying to stop the Joker. -
The Joker and Batman, mortal enemies locked in a cycle of perpetual violence. -
From the actual comic book. -
Batdrama -
Batman and Robin share a special relationship. -
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The newest Batman villain. -
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It's a message from the Batman! -
He fucking hates chocolate. -
Another Batman villain, Jeff Goldblum. -
Some YouTubers take Batman quite srsly. -
Calculation -
I am... BATMANCHILD!! -
How the joker makes pencils disappear. -
Warum denn so Ernst? -
The Joker IRL -
Y SO SRS, CAT? -
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Batman is a proud furry. -
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The Joker is most certainly not amused. -
Batman expresses his love for chocolate milk on /co/. -
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I'm the goddamn batchu. -
Battim would love to buy a big jar of batman sperm. -
The Joker is not pleased with his newly purchased Batman sperm. -
Are you retarded or something? -
Typical Batman comic strip. -
Batman retires. -
This is why we cant have nice things. -
I HERD HE LIKES CHOCOLATE MILK! -
Batman doesn't like niggers. -
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Blackman can't go a night without robbin' -
In your markets, signin' your food -
Overpowered by Faggotry™ -
tumblr whores <3 Batman -
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Holy titillation Batman! -
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Who's a good Batman? -
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Batman and former crack-cocaine dealer Jay-Z in a classic team-up from The Brave & The Bold. -
I'm the Mathman! -
Batman is pretty awesome. -
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The Joker, delivering lulz to the denizens of fair Gotham City. -
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Lol orphan... -
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Not sure if it's just a coincidence that The Scarecrow from Batman Begins looks like Dr. Decker from Nightbreed
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Superman finds out that Batman's been cheating on him with his cousin. -
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Other Batman villains. -
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Robin, deploy the Bat-Jizz! -
No exceptions! -
Batman rapes Robin. -
Always testing the bat pole. -
Teamwork is the key to their crime fighting success. -
Hmmmmm -
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Why so rule 34ed? -
Who's the boss? -
No matter how many times bad guys get defeated, they will always have a bigger dick. -
The Joker, about to show Two-Face his "pencil trick". -
Holy double-team Batman! -
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[+]Copypasta
Then his parents got dead.
And then Batman got pissed off, so then he fucked-off to Princeton.
And then he fucked-off to China to be a ninja because his parents were dead.
Batman went back home to Earth and said “I will become Batman.”
And he became BAT-MAN.
Then Batman dicked around for a bit…
Then Batman said “I need a Bat-buttmobile.”
But Morgan Freeman said “NO! You get a tank because you suck dick!” and germs killed the martians…
So Batman fucked around for a while and then there was a guy with a potato-sack for a head and he said “Fuck You!”
And Batman said “No…Fuck you.”
Then Batman made him get dumb.
Then there was a ninja on a train that said “Everyone in this city is a dick-butt!”
So Batman said “Enjoy your choo-choo to dick-fuck town.”
Videos
We think Batman is capable of dealing with everything, but this shows just how a puny little drug addict can easily overcome the Dark Knight with a taser to the crotch. Followed up with heroin, surprise sex, and more heroin, and then some BAWWWWING about his own prison experiences, and then a little suicide. At the end, this causes Batman to become an an hero.
Previous Video | Next Video
Batman Gets Revenge For His Christmas Song Parody
BatMetal lol
External links
See Also
- Alligator
- Bane
- Batman/Origin
- Adam West
- Brushie Bat
- Heath Ledger
- Hero
- Space Bat
- Why So Exploitable?
- Why So Serious?
- Suicide Squad The most cancerous movie that came out of the batman universe
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