Olsen Twins
The Olsen Twins consist of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. These 29-year-old girls were formerly the object of media-driven pedophile fantasies, but have grown into the flower of young womanhood, and are now devout Mormons. In modern times they are more known for having faces that look 30 years older than the rest of them.
A History
At the age of two, the Olsen Twins' parents pimped them out to Holywood producers for use in numerous television commercials and situation comedies of the '80s. Notable among these was the complex and brilliant Full House, which was based on a true story about three homosexual men raising kidnapped children in San Francisco. Winning many international awards, this program ran for only 2 years, until the male actors all died of AIDS. This gave the children the chance to escape.
As revealed in a 2000 guestbook post by the Twins' "Gammy" Augustine Olsen, the Olsen Twins are expert salad-tossers [1]. Since that time, the Olsen Twins have remained in the spotlight through their long series of petty but artistically brilliant crimes such as the armed robbery of a Scientology center and selling a long, detailed, but completely false story to the tabloids about a midnight ménage à trois with Mohamed Atta on the night before 9/11.
Also they have raised more money for PETA than everyone else in Hollywood put together. Hilariously enough, Ashley has been harassed for flaunting fur products publicly.
Twin Careers
The Olsen Twins (lol they hate being called that) have to be known best for their role as the retarded and Aryan youngest child of Danny Tanner in Full House, mentioned above. The show ran for nine seasons and is still on the air to this day. Lewis Black described the show quite accurately on Bob Saget's roast:
Shortly after, the lolis became superstars. They made enough money to buy out a company called Dualstar, the purpose of which is to enslave employ Korean children into manufacturing cheap shit including DVDs and child pornography video series videotapes based on their lives on the set of Full House. They currently have a clothing line for Walmart and are the richest girls in the fucking world.
They starred in a movie called New York Minute (which failed lol) and acted alongside Eugene Levi, their primary molester at the time.
Mary-Kate Olsen
Mary-Kate Olsen (also known as Marky-Kate on /b/), since turning 18, has become a great source of lulz for people both IRL and on the internets. Marky-Kate no doubt is the hotter, skinnier, more successful and outgoing twin. Tabloids and witnesses claimed she went to rehab for cocaine, while others view her as a source of thinspiration for their ana/mia ways. Don't be fooled: She is a fucking coke whore and pothead; her ex-bodyguard even said so in an exclusive interview. However, fucking gaytards like Ryan Seacrest and that fat skank on E! News wouldn't dare to spread such filth truth, so you don't hear about her hilariously devastating addictions on television.
Some argue that Mary-Kate had a hand in Heath Ledger's death killed Heath Ledger. This is probably true. If it is not, then Batman did it.
Ashley Olsen
Ashley has been known to be the poster child for jealousy because of all the media attention on her skinnier, more attractive, drug-addicted twin. This has led to her dying her hair various colors and looking like a cheap whore.
Ashley was kidnapped by Sean Hannity in late 2006, and currently resides in a small sex-dungeon located in Hannity's back yard. She was briefly the object of a missing white woman syndrome search, but Hannity succeeded in halting the public lamentations and speculation.
On Turning 18
The day after their 18th birthday, Hollywood producers quickly realized that 90% of the Olsen Twins' fans were pedophiles because all interest in them dried up faster than a room emptying at the sound of a basement dweller saying, "Anyone want to talk about My Little Pony? All talk of seeing them in a porno scissoring each other quickly ended this same day.
Like most Disney and Nik lolitas, it was discovered that pedophiles were the only people who could suffer through one of their 90 minute, asinine, near soft porn outings that they called a movie.
Gallery
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And Jews with Dicks! -
Hitler was right! -
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Tough shit bitch, we're doing it all again tomorrow night.
See Also
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