Gone Home

THIS IS NOT A GAME

Gone Home is a full-on architectural simulator, made by two chicks, a fag and a white guy with dreadlocks, wherein you control Kaitlin Greenbriar who will unravel the uninteresting history of her lesbian sister who decided to bail on her military duty in order to scissor with her dyke friend. You can also learn about how her parents don't love each other anymore, her uncle is a child molester who is now a ghost and you will get to experience a lot of 90's references and text... lots and lots of text.

The "game" got stellar reviews from video game websites and video game critics who were, incidentally, all friends with the creator and told people that this was literally the best game of the year and that they should run out and buy it. When they did buy it they realized this "game" isn't a game at all.

Story and "game"play

Despite being advertised as a horror game, it fucking isn't.

At the start you find a note from your sister saying that she is gone and not to go looking for her. This cryptic message is meant to fool you into thinking you're going to be fighting some fucking ghosts or something soon, but you never do.

You wander around in an empty house inside of which your family has spread clues about their whereabouts like the fucking Riddler, because that is wholesome and expected family activity, before abandoning the house outright. You will have to find clues and keys before the next door can be opened, because why would one key fit all the doors in your own fucking house, right? I mean, why would you even have the keys to all the doors in your own house, right!?

Anyway, all you do is walk, click on things, and then another block of text pops up on screen. So the game feels like a simulator of what its like to communicate with your family via post-it notes and cancer.

There is no way to fail at this "game." At all. The only challenge this game has is staying awake and the only way to "lose" it is by accidentally (or not) turning off your computer. The game is linear as fuck and can be completed in less than ninety seconds, which is ninety seconds more than you should play this shit, and overall feels like an old click & drag puzzle/adventure game, but with all the actual puzzles, adventure and fun taken out.

The animation is a real treat because, unlike every other indie game that's a pixelated clusterfuck and looks like the first Super Mario Brothers, this one is actually in 3D!!!! Which is a real feat for an indie game. It seems they poured into the graphics all the effort that wasn't wasted on the gameplay or story. Although it still wasn't enough because the lighting is shit and half the game you can't really see anything.

Of course, white knights and LGBT communities defend this horrible attempt at a game as actually being a game, despite the fact that there is no difference from this and Google Maps with some lesbian fanfiction thrown into it.

Reception

Retards wanting to appeal to all SJW praise this shit as being edgy, simply for having a lesbian character. Nobody else gives a flying fuck, and just sees this as a broken mess of shitty art thrown together with a sprinkle of lesbo flavoring.

An actual review of this shit. Longer than the
actual game, and more interactive.

Even Steam gets this game is nothing but a walking simulator.

How it got positive reviews (Hint: Not by being good)

Gone Home didn't have to actually be good to get good reviews, it only needed to know the right people.

Half the people that reviewed it at first did so before anyone else even knew what the fuck it was and they all gave it a perfect 10/10. You know what else those people had in common? They took part in a podcast group called Idle Thumbs together with the people who make the game. Others, like the writers at Polygon, had a personal friendship with the creator for at least two years before that and were invited to that podcast a week before posting the review. Which explains why Polygon picked this point-and-drag adventure game with all the pointing and dragging taken out as their Game of the Year and gave it one of the only eight 10/10 scores in their site's history. Other people who were friends with the developers and gave it good reviews include Leigh Alexander and Kirk Hamilton of Kotaku.

Later this will be used as a perfect example of gaming journalism's corruption during GamerGate. But what do you expect from Polygon? A site whose editor used his position to hire his own brother.

Polygon later release 500 Best Games Of All Times, ranking Gone Home #31 that tops Chrono Trigger and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Because Polygon is full of cancerous SJW cucks, they also rank Depression Quest #466 to earn good-boy points from Zoe Quinn but they still won't get rewarded with sex.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5 - Leigh Alexander and Kotaku's Kirk Hamilton's connections with GH

But what did the actual players think of the "game"?

Game sites: 10/10; actual gamers: Shit/10.

It's shit.

Everyone thought it was shit and were pissed off at all game review sites who told them to buy it either because it championed their gay, left wing ideology, or because the reviewers and the developers were secretly butt-buddies.

So, while reviews from game sites were overwhelmingly good, reviews from actual customers who had just been duped into spending $20 on twenty minutes of pro-gay propaganda with no gameplay, were overwhelmingly bad. Consisting mostly of "constructive criticism" like: "This is not a game", "this is a walking simulator", "I want my $20 back" and "I want five minutes of my life back".

"Game for people who haven't read a book since highschool"

"Don't waste your money"

"Too short and not good"

"I would call it a horrible game, but it isn't a game at all"

"Worse than 'Dear Ester'"

"I don't understand how critics gave it a score of 90"

"You need to be too retarded to be able to read a book to be able to enjoy this non-game"

"It isn't good as a game because it isn't a game, and it isn't good as a novel because the story is shit"

"If 'Game Journalist' was a real job everyone who reviewed this would need to be fired"

"I want 10 minutes of my life back and, despite not paying any money for this, I still want my money be back"

Previous Image | Next Image

It actually got to the point that all the gaming sites that gave it high scores had to do followup articles to convince people this is actually a game and subtly beg their army of SJW feminists to give this thing good reviews which is the only reason it didn't get a score of -5,000/10.

Penny Arcade and Dickwolves

The retards behind Gone Home, known as The Fullbright Company, got invited to PAX (Penny Arcade Expo) where they would present their abortion. But someone at Penny Arcade had previously drawn Dickwolves, and by "previously" we mean "about four years ago". So Fullbright decided not to go over some drama that was over long ago.

	“	We are a four-person team. Two of us are women and one of us is gay. Gone Home deals in part with LGBT issues. This stuff is important to us, on a lot of different levels. And Penny Arcade is not an entity that we feel welcomed by or comfortable operating alongside.	„
	—"This has something to do with us because rape only happens to gay people", Fullbright

Gone Home Retail Special Edition

And boy do we mean special edition, as you would have to be pretty special to buy it.

What you'll get

The software on a disc. Yes, something nobody uses anymore. It took them five whole minutes to put it down onto a disc.
The soundtrack, which is complete rubbish and can be found for free here. It only lasts seventeen minutes, which is seventeen minutes longer than this turd of a walking simulator.
A fucking sticker.
A notebook filled with incomplete drawings, much like the software actually. How fitting.
Sam and Lonnie's zine. See gallery for details.

Only $29.99 plus shipping and VAT

What you won't get

A game
The remotest sense of entertainment or gratification.

	“	The DVD case is adorned with Aleks Sennwald’s fabulous Lisa Frank-inspired binder art, in glorious high-resolution	„
	— Steve the faggot, not understanding how high-resolution doesn't translate to printed materials.

Polygon's Top 500 Greatest Games Of All Times 2017

On December 1st 2017, the entire staff from Polygon made-up their votes of the very best in the game industry with their Top 500 Greatest Games Of All Times for 2017. And they did a pretty good job making their Top 500 list shittier than ever. They rank Gone Home #31, ranking it higher than a lot of good games including Chrono Trigger and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time! And if that shit list gets even shittier, unfortunately you're right. Polygon had a Five Guys Burgers And Fries orgy with Zoe Quinn to list her so-called "game" Depression Quest in their top 500 list as rank #466.

	“	Gone Home scoffed at what a game "is." Free of conflict and combat, relying solely on environmental storytelling and exploration, necessitating players explore every inch of the game to piece together the entire picture, Gone Home told one of the more personal stories in games.	„
	—Polygon staff, ranking Gone Home #31.

Gallery

Gallery About missing Pics

Keep in mind that only one of them is gay.
That facial expression.
Wikipedia uses "reliable research" policies to remove any criticism of the game. Imagine that.
Kicking against the patriarchy.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Still better graphics than the game.
8chan loves Gone Home.
Google knows... Other autocomplete options include: "Gone Home is pretentious" and "Gone Home is a bad game".