EA
| |
|---|---|
| Electronic Farts | |
| Founded |
At least a 100 years ago. |
| Founder(s) |
Trip Hawkins |
| Industry |
Video games |
| Motto |
Fuck up everything. |
Electronic Farts also known as EA Games, Egotistical Arseholes, Electronic AIDS or Electronic Assburgers is yet another corporate parasite sucking on the vein of the weak and feeble minded that purchase their yearly regurgitated shit, seasoned with "state of the art" drm software, that gets cracked in less than a week, and another asinine stale attempt at a digital distribution platform called Origin, that no one will use since everyone has Steam. When EA is not busy surviving on the backs of universal dumbshits, they're recycling the same garbage over and over again. Proud winner of "The Worst Company in America" twice. Amazingly this didn't ring any bells to the apes that buy their shit. If their games don't convince you to commit suicide, then nothing will. Founded last Thursday by Trip "On Acid" Hopkins, it began by swallowing up good game developers in its vortex of greed and shitting out games like "Spore" and "SimCity".
History
Back in the early-1950s, a young upper-class white basement-dweller called Trip Hawkins was wanked into existence. If that's not repulsive enough, him and his visionary friends would build one of the biggest tumors that gaming would ever see. After graduating Harvard, the posh faggot moved across country to pursue a diploma at Stanford. His plan? To globalize video games under his capitalistic banner in order to achieve the ultimate Jewish status. From a young age, this sneaky asshole sought the best ways to monopolize a future market, that was ripe for harvest.
After working at Apple, and noticing how people are purchasing PCs, he quickly decided to fuck off and build his own company in 1982. At first, he worked alone like the sneaky treacherous weasel he was, but later he decided to hire some tools, with whom he decided on a name, Electronic Farts.
They quickly realized that adding celebrities to the mix was a genius maneuver in order to more easily zombify the dumb masses that would buy their shitty games. Later, Trip Hawkins noticed that his swimming pool was running low on money, so he then decided to reduce the discount that EA would give software distributors, keeping more of the profits for itself. The first puppet to get sucked in this vortex of greed is John Madden, a bloated old fart that was recruited as a "design partner", but in reality he was picked because his name had selling-power. Later, Trip Hawkins reduced the discount that EA would give software distributors, keeping more of the profits for itself.
Even in this age, Hawkins knew that PCs would become the dominant entertainment platforms in the gaming industry, leaving consoles in the mud. Following the '80s industry crash that would last a decade, Trip Hawkins had to revise his plans, so he quickly decided to slap his company name on every game they could, making it bigger and steamier than the designers name. Thus retards would remember EA over the actual creators of the game. A practice that soon, other publishers would adopt. After building a diverse gaming catalog, they even made software, like Deluxe Paint, anything that would bring in the moolah.
Initially Hawkins didn't give to shits about the console market, but when he saw that Nintendo Entertainment system brought the market back, he quickly jumped on the console wagon but not before squeezing Nintendo's testicles hard enough that EA wouldn't suffer any revenue loss. He also felt that consoles were old primitive husks, but he wouldn't be the guy to stand in front of profits. Later, after Nintendo single-handedly revived the entire fucking console business, EA went all googly eyes at the profits Nintendo was making, so EA no longer treated consoles like a a sideline and decided to search for a new sucker to fuck up the asshole. EA didn't like paying high royalties or to build expensive ROM cartridges, however with the arrival of the Sega Genesis, Hawkins saw an opportunity to once again rewrite the rules of publishing.
The main reason why the Genesis appealed to Hawkins was that it had an MC processor, a chip which was also used in the Macintosh, Amiga, and Atari ST computers. EA had years of experience with the processor, that's why they quickly managed to reverse engineer the Genesis and develop software that would run on it without Sega’s help. Using this knowledge as leverage in his negotiations with Sega, Hawkins threatened to release games for the Genesis without a license unless Sega agreed to more favorable terms for EA. In the end, Sega dropped to its knees and started sucking because EA had an extensive back catalog of games that could be quickly ported to the Genesis. It was going to be a hard fight competing against Nintendo and Sega needed all the help it could get.
Now that Hawkins had committed to consoles, he had to sell his company on the decision. Many employees and developers did not like consoles because they felt like the systems were limited and offered little engineering power to create quality games. Hawkins did not care for this since his ultimate goal was to create mainstream games that would sell to the masses regardless of their end quality. EA pushed hard into console publishing releasing long running franchises like FIFA Soccer, NHL Hockey and NBA Live.
After pulling the score on Sega, the console business was closely following EA's moves, to prevent EA to repeat the process. Hawkins knew that in the future PCs would become more powerful and that consoles will be left behind. Thus, he started a knew company focused on developing next generation console hardware. He appointed some tool as the new CEO of EA in 1991 and started a new company that soon evolved into the 3DO Company. Hawkins resigned as chairman of the board of EA in 1994.
How EA Makes Profit
Step 1: Identify a popular title. We will be using the Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare series as an example.
Step 2: Acquire the said title
- Make sure the company is naive
- Make sure to provide a generous sum of money
- Convince the devs to sign a contract selling their souls
If the people don't want to sign the contract, offer a bigger sum of moneyJust kidding. No small developer will refuse a huge sum of money and a big name like EA.
Step 3: Planning a new sequel
- Announce the said sequel (eg Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare 2)
- Build the hype
- Make a tight deadline, so that the developer will barely be able to code a mediocre game in that time (eg. Crap balancing, abundance of game-breaking glitches, shitty ass netcode)
- Directly after that, fire most of the developers on the team
- Tighten the deadline even more
- Make sure developers are barely scraping by
- Remove content to the bare minimum that you will release as DLC (eg. Rux the Gnome's overpriced and useless wares, such as reskinned and downgraded abilities)
Bug testingLel no.- Rush developers before release
- Release unfinished product anyway
Step 4: Profit
- Release a shitton of DLC, useless expansions and purchasable content.
- If people love the game, repeat step 3, otherwise go to step 5.
Step 5: The Aftermath
- Fire the remaining developers.
- Release a new sports game sequel.
Sales Strategy
Currently, Electronic Arts has become one of the fattest in the industry, primarily by ass-raping and eating companies such as BioWare, Westwood, Bullfrog, Maxis and Pandemic Studios, and then shit staining them with the EA brand. However, Electronic Arts has made a name for itself in the "re-releasing the same game every fucking year and still getting people to buy it" market as well as having the shittiest servers in the industry, so that when there are no fucktards left, Larry Probst John Riccitiello the Fucktard CEO can still wipe his ass with 100 dollar bills. Popular cashcows include:
- Call of Duty: Battlefield
- Madden '##
- Tiger Woods' Pro Golf ##
- NBA Live '##
- FIFA '##
- NHL '08
- Jamaican Bobsled Team '##
- Nascar '##
- Arena Football'##
- Rushed unfinished glitchy mess '##
- Cricket '##
- Basement Dweller '08 out of 10,000
- MVP Baseball '08
- MVP NCAA Baseball '08
- Same Game as last year, except with slightly different roster '##
- NCAA Football '08
- NCAA March Madness '08
- Plants vs. Zombies
- The Sims series with at least 100 new expansion packs every month.
Canceled sequel to a game people actually did want released- LOL CANCELED!- Furry Hunters '08
- Power Level 9,000
- Command & Conqueer
- The adventures of a Chinky chick who jumps around on rooftops
- Big name "Flavor of the month" movie/TV license
- SimCity
- Shart Wars: Battlefuckfest
- Mass Effect (2,3 AND BEYOND)
- Wigger Racing: Faggotry
You get the idea.
Employment
Electronic Arts is notorious for providing their employees with the most comfortable sweatshop jobs in India. For designing glitching and fucking up a minimum of 9,000 games a year, the average employee is a lazy beaner which is awarded with a nearly infinite amount of Neopoints, daily fried chicken, and nightly sex with an attractive customer service representative.
NCAA Football Bullshit
Back in NCAA Football '06 for Xbox EA actually had fucking tight features, but when the game got released for the 360 they took all of the features out and reverted to FUCKING NCAA 01', now they are slowly adding the features back and people buy the game. Pretty smart fucking plan! The perfect NCAA Football game (will never happen):
- Steroids
- Drunk college girls
- Bribing nigger recruits
- Beer pong
- WHITE POWER PARADES (nobody FUCKING LISTENS)
SimShitty
So just about the time all the gaymers forgot that EA is more concerned with making money than actually making decent games, Electronic Asscakes went back into their dungeon and brought Maxis back to life through the most unholy necromancy and whipped them until they decided to make another SimCity game. At first all went well, it only needed to connect to the internet at start-up to make sure you weren't a pirate, and everything looked awesome. But then the release came and it was quickly realized that EA was just the lying, moneys-grubbing, fucked-up, faggots that they always were. The game requires a constant internet connection to EA's 1200 baud servers at all times, to the detriment of everyone who was retarded enough to buy it, the pathfinding usually makes strange men sleeping in somebody else's house with a bunch of retarded 8 year old girls who just came back from their own jobs at the nucular plant, traffic routinely (and permanently) comes to a halt whenever their great AI decides that they should just park across a 4-lane highway, nobody ever suffers from not having a job, and you can win the game simply by building metric shit tons of houses and watching it tell you that you have many millions of citizens when, in actuality, you only have slightly less than a few hundred.
To make matters worse, Lucy Buttshaft then decided to tell everybody that the bugs features were really there to make the game better, which is totally not true. Currently the rich faggots at EA are masturbating using child tears for lube and thousand dollar bills as tissues, laughing as everybody continues to give them moneys.
Call of Star Wars- Imperial Warfare
In 2013, Eldritch Adramelech planted the seed for a new tree of money and decadence. With the powers of DICE, Enchanted pile of Anal droppings promised a love letter to the original trilogy and a new addition to the acclaimed Battlefront series of games. Of course, they tripped over themselves the moment they showed an iota of gameplay footage to sell preorders with on disc DLC and a $50 DOLLAR FUCKING SEASON PASS CONTAINING MORE MAPS THAN THE FUCKING GAME THEYRE SELLING TO YOU!! Oh, and don't forget about dumbing down an already simple game so the pimple faced, retarded, and the Pro MLG COD Kings can get off of Activision's dick and ride Ecclecticly midichlorian-ridden Anal bead's rusty-knived demonic cock.
Even niggers refunded this piece of shit.
Oh and after one month of this game's launch, sequels were already planned according to executives.
Media
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Not To Be Confused With
See Also
External Links
- Electronic Arts' official website
- A handy flowchart detailing the ins and outs of becoming a valued employee of Electronic Arts.
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