Umkemesik

This faggot waits for the child to make the first move in a sexual situation. You can help by contacting Federal Authorities and alerting Chris Hansen.

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Umkemesik is in an internet sissy fight with Aediot. Please dig up lulz on them both.

WARNING: With Spics, Do not mix!

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Federal Foot Inspector
Umkemesik
Real name	Jose Antonio Cossio, JR.
Nationality	Mexican
Occupation	Uber Driver / Rapist
YouTube	Doritalos

Umkemesik (Powerword: Jose Antonio Cossio Jr.) was Aediot's beaner successor to Encyclopedia Dramatica and all around degenerate who got himself BTFOd from the site last thursday after getting caught creeping in a sixteen year old girl's Discord DMs. He was relatively respected tolerated for a short time for running the shithole known as EDF6 as well as reviving the ED wiki for the umpteenth time and doing a better job than Assnapkins (however low that bar is set) by actually keeping the URL up for more than a week. Unsurprisingly however, he proved to share more traits than his gross obesity with other ex-owners of the site that include Queen GirlVinyl herself.

When not shilling his failed message board Malhub, UMK works as an Uber driving sex pest in Chicago, Illinois who has dubiously consensual sex with drunk women on a regular basis. Coupled with his tendency to shower girls online with fake compliments before harassing them for not wanting to move countries to sleep with him; and it shouldn't really have come as a surprise that trying to solicit sex from a minor would be his undoing.

Humble Beginnings

UMK was voted off EDF island in 2012 for being a fat Mexican tryhard who got kicked out of the air force for "exceeding authorized access" (more liek exceeding authorized weight amiright) and larceny. The overweight retard sent another airmen's pay check to a children's charity in Siberia, probably because his fellow airmen asked him politely to stop stealing all the pudding cups. Too stupid to cover his own tracks, UMK was promptly caught, tried, convicted, and dishonourably discharged.

After being butt raped by bubba in Fort Leavenworth, UMK joined the forum and took on the moniker of a 1337 haxor and internet tough guy, and he was promptly removed from the EDF biosphere and out of butthurt UMK decided to try and brute force Zaiger's password and created over 9000 sock puppet accounts to try and rejoin our beautiful forum. Zaiger in his infinite wisdom decided to give UMK one more chance, because even though he was a disgusting junkie, he pitied this blobby beaner. All of these antics inevitably got him nominated for Faggot of the year in 2012.

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY LET THIS GUY RUN THE SITE LMFAO

Stolen Valor

As a young portly man with a need to compensate, UMK humbly joined the ranks of the Chair Force to prove himself. This was a short lived dream however as UMK managed to get himself kicked out with a dishonorable discharge. This is a surprisingly difficult feat as a dishonorable discharge requires a ton of paperwork few commanders want to put themselves through. When asked about this, expect to hear that it was NIGGER ADMIN ABUSE and he DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to deserve it. UMK maintains that one day he will be able to re-enter the armed forces as a malding, obese, 40 year old man to reclaim his honor.

	“	The petitioner, contrary to his pleas, was convicted in December of 2004 of stealing U.S. currency, two violations of federal laws prohibiting improperly obtaining another person’s social security number and the use of that person’s social security number with intent to commit larceny, and communicating a threat. A military judge sentenced the petitioner to a bad-conduct discharge, confinement for 10 months, reduction to E-1, and a fine of $750.00 with an additional 3 months of confinement if the fine was not paid. The convening authority approved the findings and sentence as adjudged.	„
	—https://afcca.law.af.mil/content/afcca_opinions/cp/cossio-36206.pet.pdf

My Little Pony

Being a big enthusiast of all things to do with children, around 2012 UMK was a big fan of Team Fortress 2 and My Little Pony. Wanting to combine his two passions, he created the map "DM_PONYVILLE_H2", based on the world from the MLP show. Alongside this, UMK uploaded videos of him playing on servers running his map with mods that replaced cartoon psychopaths with creepy recreations of the horses from the show. As embarrassing as it this looks, the map does have over 4k downloads and is still ran to this day by incredibly niche servers, no doubt infested with fellow child-enthusiasts. Link here.

UMK removed this video; if you have it saved reupload it here

Lawsuits

JOSE COSSIO JR VS ED (Soon™)

umk goes to court pt 1

umk goes to court pt 2

Court reading of his search history

Previous Video | Next Video

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Jose Cossio Vs DENISSE CASTRO

	“	Jose Cossio appeals the dismissal of his suit under 42 U.S.C. § 1983 alleging a host of civil rights violations in connection with a state criminal prosecution against him. He sued the City of Chicago, the Superintendent of the Chicago Police Department, the Cook County State’s Attorney, an Assistant State’s Attorney, a complaining witness, and numerous state court judges. We affirm..... From these comments, it is apparent that the court regarded Cossio’s claims as baseless, and as such the court did not abuse its discretion in awarding attorney’s fees to Castro.	„
	—https://law.justia.com/cases/federal/appellate-courts/ca7/11-1267/11-1267-2011-10-25-nonprecedential-disposition-2011-10-25.html

JOSE ANTONIO COSSIO, JR. vs PATRICK BLANCHARD

	“	Jose Cossio, a former employee of Cook County, Illinois, has filed several suits about his discharge. He believes that the County, its inspector general, and a state judge wrongly had him fired. After a state court rejected Cossio’s claims against the inspector general and the County, the district court dismissed a similar federal suit against them as blocked by claim preclusion. It later entered summary judgment for the judge, concluding that he committed no torts. Those rationales are correct, so we affirm. We have considered Cossio’s remaining arguments, but none has merit.	„
	—https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/USCOURTS-ca7-19-03000/pdf/USCOURTS-ca7-19-03000-0.pdf

JOSE ANTONIO COSSIO, JR. vs COOK COUNTY,

	“	We affirm the order of the circuit court which found plaintiff-appellant's termination from Cook County was not against the manifest weight of the evidence. Further, there was no due process violation and the circuit court did not err by failing to remand these proceedings. Finally, plaintiff-appellant had a duty to answer the county investigator's questions truthfully and he is not entitled to back pay. Based on the above, the order of the circuit court affirming the order of the Cook County Employee Appeals Board is affirmed.	„
	—https://www.illinoiscourts.gov/Resources/cee2d0ed-e3d7-48ed-8c57-b9ea4c9d6f6d/1160654_R23.pdf

JOSE ANTONIO COSSIO, JR. vs FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION

	“	On April 28, 2020, this Court entered an order denying plaintiff's application to proceed in forma pauperis (too poor to pay). This Court set a deadline of May 15, 2020 to pay the filing fee. Later, this Court sua sponte gave plaintiff a two-week extension, and set a new deadline of May 29, 2020. This Court forewarned that it would dismiss the case if plaintiff failed to pay the filing fee. Plaintiff has not paid the fee, so this case is closed. Civil case terminated.	„
	—Case Docket (1:20-cv-01437)

JOSE ANTONIO COSSIO, JR. vs Michael B. Donley

	“	Jose Antonio Cossio, Jr., appeals the dismissal of his claim for reinstatement into the Air Force—or, alternatively, an honorable discharge—back pay, and other relief pursuant to the Little Tucker Act, 28 U.S.C. § 1346(a)(2). In 2004 Mr. Cossio was tried by court-martial and convicted of larceny, communicating a threat, computer fraud, and identity fraud; he was acquitted of an additional threat charge. The charges stemmed from a series of incidents in which Mr. Cossio diverted a fellow airman's salary to a charity in Russia, illegally obtained that airman's social security number by using his government computer, and threatened to "beat [the airman] into a coma. AFFIRMED COSTS No costs.	„
	—https://casetext.com/case/cossio-v-donley-3 2012-1662

Bitcoin scam

Have you ever heard of Bitcoin Loki, or BTC-Loki? Of course you haven't. As this was yet another failure of our hero. Around year 2017, Joseph tried to create bitcoins, but of course like everything else he touches, he failed.

• His failed bitcoin website
• The Facebook

Rentmyadspace

In yet another futile attempt, Joey tried to make some quick bucks, but once again was immediately foiled.

UMK and women

With compliments like these, it's a wonder why she didn't come running.

This might not come as a massive surprise, but a fat, balding beaner in his 40's whose only hobby is troll websites; does not have it easy when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. Despite this, he still gets pussy. How you might ask? Through his Uber driving job. UMK has admitted on multipole occasions that he has taken advantage of many drunk women late at night, and as he delivers these fair maidens to their residences, talks them into letting him get a taste of china. The reaction from most when they heard this was disgust and ridicule, with people bringing it up to UMK and telling him he's a sick fuck. Yet somehow, he still thinks this is some epic alpha behaviour and still tells anyone who'll listen his tales of seduction.

On the internet, UMK is less successful. With him posting his own pictures on the yearbook, it's not as if women are oblivious to his less than stellar looks. Beyond this, UMK is very creepy and very spiteful. When one user spurned his affections, he uploaded their entire DMs with his messages omitted, before creating a custom xenforo plugin that blacklisted her IP range, meaning the site would 404 on her every time she tried to access it.

The master of seduction at work.

Faggot of the Year 2022

For the 2022 Faggot of the Year, UMK decided to take initiative and run it himself. However, he decided to add Discord users as candidates, a move which quickly upset the level-headed and calm higher-ups who demanded he stop ruining an ED tradition and let someone else takeover. UMK brought up irrelevant nonsense to bullshit everyone, trying to claim there were no rules against adding people outside the forums. To prove how cool and easy-going he is, UMK decided to ruin the vote by making every candidate Likeicare before storming off like a child in a tantrum, and trying to revive his shitty malhub for the 100th time. As a result, his admin perms were revoked as the logs leaked of UMK sperging that things didn't go his way.

CAN YOU NOT BE AUTISTIC FOR FIVE SECONDS? CAN YOU NOT BE AUTISTIC FOR FIVE SECONDS? CAN YOU NOT BE AUTISTIC FOR FIVE SECONDS? CAN YOU NOT BE AUTISTIC FOR FIVE SECONDS? CAN YOU NOT BE AUTISTIC FOR FIVE SECONDS? CAN YOU NOT BE AUTISTIC FOR FIVE SECONDS? CAN YOU NOT BE AUTISTIC FOR FIVE SECONDS?

Chicago Footjobs

In November of 2022, UMK starts messaging a notorious underage nazi girl on Discord, asking if she'd commit to a 3 hour train ride to visit him in his state of Chicago. Somehow it had not occurred to him that asking a girl he hardly knows to come visit him after she told him to stop texting her; might be a bad idea. After pointing out it would be an expensive trip for someone who isn't currently employed, UMK offered her a job, a footjob no less. After checking that she is still in high school, UMK continued to suggest she come for an ED meetup alongside another Chicago ED user. However, after she checked with the other user to make sure this meetup was official, she was surprised to learn he knew nothing about it.

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  UMK messages someone he harassed in the past, assuming she's oblivious.
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  Proving how much of a big boy he is, UMK has another mod fight his battles.
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A month passes and in early January of 2023, slowly the story starts leaking that a moderator is sexting with children on the ED discord. UMK decides to start chatting up another female user on Steam, this user being the same one he IP banned and leaked messages from. He is completely gobsmacked when she tells him to leave her alone as she does not associate with pedophiles. Not realising he's in the shit, UMK decides to get moderators on the Discord to confront this woman about her mean pedophile comment. People in the chat start sharing the rumours they've heard and 4 hours later, a thread on EDF is created containing all of UMK's creepy texts. At this point, it's over for UMK as he leaves without putting up a fight, and starts handing over the domain and letting people photoshop him into oblivion.

Except not really as the fat retard now refuses to hand over the domain. Yes, this dramatica.online domain, currently hosting this scathing article, is owned by UMK. Now that his footjob requests are public for all to see, he's suddenly gone very quiet. He went through with the domain transfer but cancelled it at the last second when the EDF thread exposing him went live. Look forward to having a new ED to bookmark in a years time.

Let the domain wars begin again!

UMK Doxes Kaizen

The goodbye note (Archives: 1 2)

On February 2, 2023, the then-owner of ED, Kaizen, got doxed; not only on EDF6, but other locations all over the Internets. EDiots immediately suspected UMK to be the doxer, because not only was he a former friend of Kaizen, he was threatening to sue Kaizen for "breach of contract" after Kaizen posted a bunch of his EDF DMs.

Soon after this, Kaizen quit ED and transferred ownership of ED to “one of his friends”, PAX. He also confirmed UMK was the one behind the doxing, and also that he sent copies of the dox to two enemies of the lulz: Adezero, the whore that fucked Ass Napkins; and Conrad Rockenhaus, another man Adez slept with and former owner of ED.

Lulzy Shoop Pics

Shoops About missing Pics

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See also

• Adezero - A haggard e-whore and UMK's only true looksmatch
• Aediot
• Dan Schneider
• Disgraced Encyclopedia Dramaticians
• Done with ED
• EDP445
• Grand Wizard - Shitty attack article he wrote on some nobody
• William "AlGore" Atchison - Another upstanding example of an ED user
• Zaiger

Social Media

• His KF account (archive)
• His Reddit account ^{(Archive 1, 2)} BANNED
• BTC loki reddit account ^{(Archive 1, 2)}

External links

• The Callout Thread (Archived: 1 2)
• Unrelated janny slapfight thread where UMK acts like an autist (Archived: 1 2)
• The failed FOTY 2022 thread. (Archived: 1 2)
• Stackoverflow account
• Rocketreach account
• His demolition company on Instagram
• Demolition company on homeadvisor

Umkemesikis part of a series on The History of Encyclopedia Dramatica

[Seal ThemOpen the Records] Events: In Chronological Order In the Beginning ◆ Attempted coup of the wiki ◆ RFJason CL Experiment ◆ May 2007 ◆ Dancing sandwich war ◆ ED turns 5 ◆ Creation of the ED Mascot ◆ ED sued by Australian Human Rights Commissions ◆ Australian Media interview ◆ Sheneequa Turns Four ◆ Girlvinyl deletes "Niggers" ◆ DeHippo replaces ED with KYM clone ◆ Operation Restoration ◆ New ED founder v& ◆ We change domains over 9000 times for various, hilarious reasons ◆ EDF2 game on the news ◆ ED turns 10 ◆ The Great ED Civil War of 2018 and Zaiger being kicked out for stealing money ◆ New ED owner gets v& (again) ◆ The Great Ass Napkins Saga ◆ Chicago Footjob During the Great Reign of ED: Includes Timelines 2005 ◆ 2006 ◆ 2007 ◆ 2008 ◆ 2009 ◆ 2010 ◆ 2011 ◆ 2012 ◆ 2013 ◆ 2014 ◆ 2015 ◆ 2016 ◆ 2017 ◆ 2018 ◆ 2019 ◆ 2020 ◆ 2021 ◆ 2022 ◆ 2023 ◆ 2024 Other Notable Years: 1980s ◆ 1990s ◆ 2000s ◆ 2010s ◆ Y2K ◆ Future ◆ 2001 ◆ 2002 ◆ 2003 ◆ 2004 See Also: ED Government ◆ Encyclopedia Dramatica in the News ◆ Disgraced, Missing and Dead Dramaticans ◆ Taking down ED

Umkemesik is part of a series on the former regimes

Corporate Shill Branch Girlvinyl • Jacknstock • Killhamster • Pink Poodle • Sheneequa • Thedreadedkettle • Zaiger • Conrad Alan Rockenhaus • Aediot • Umkemesik • GirlOnInternet Unwitting Pawn Branch Blu Aardvark • BURK • Crazyconan • Ed Lolington • kale • Kazantzakis • Onideus • OtterWhiskers • Quasidan • Riboflavin • Schnookums • Tfo • ShardDax • vanff • Vermin • wattage • weev • WKD • WhiteMystery • Zenophile Angry Patriot Ghost Branch AlGore • Andrewpants • OldDirtyBtard • Rubberduc • yiri See Also Encyclopedia Dramatica • Epic Battle • Joseph Evers • MysteryBot • OhInternet • Sellout • Sheneequa Turns Four • The War of Zaiger Aggression

Umkemesik is part of a series on Encyclopedia Dramatica Forums [Log outLog in]

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Featured article March 8 & 9, 2023
Preceded by Amphetamines	Umkemesik	Succeeded by BLMKidnapping