Tabloid
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Tabloids are a lulzy form of old media that are made for moms who feel like they don't have enough drama and scandal in their lives. Tabloids are very flashy and irritating to the eyes much like your average spam banner; making them a magnet for shallow morons. The content of tabloids is usually comprised of:
- 40% IRL celebrity trolling.
- 20% Hair product advertisements.
- 30% Bat Boy.
- 80% ALL CAPS
- >9000% Conspiracy theories about Princess Diana.
- 100% bullshit.
- 200% lulz.
Like a 16 year old girl, Tabloids exaggerate the most insignificant detail of celebrities' every move into a full 2 page spread scandal. Instead of real journalism, tabloid reporters, or, paparazzi, resort to trolling celebrities IRL to obtain material for their stories. This advanced technique of information gathering can cause celebrities to become extremely butthurt, which oftentimes leads to celebrity-on-paparazzi violence.
History of Tabloids
At least 100 years ago some guy hiding in a tree took an oil painting of Mary Lincoln Todd getting out of a carriage showing her bush and passing it out to friends. More "oilarazzi's" hid and took oil paintings of Mrs. Lincoln getting cock from neighboring slaves.
Eventually Mrs. Lincoln got pwn’d while being chased in her carriage after a night of Absinthe drinking and the carriage went careening into the side of a farmhouse. Lots of oil pictures were taken. In true Shakespeare verse, they said they “Did it for the Lulz-eth”.
And that was how Tabloids and the nigger were born.
Butthurt Lawlsuits
- Carol Burnett (WON)
- Elizabeth Taylor (WON)
- Lark “Crackhead” Voorhies (DROPPED)
- Eddie “loves trannies” Murphy (DROPPED)
- Terry Hatcher (DROPPED)
- Dead Brain for Chelsey Clinton (WTF??)
- Britney and Kevin (STILL DIVORCED)
—Paul Lynde lolcow history. | ||
British Newspapers
British Newspapers can be neatly categorized thus:
- The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
- The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
- The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
- The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country and think Hitler was rather a nice chap [1].
- The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
- The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
- The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it already is.
- The Sun is read by people who don’t care who runs the country, as long as she’s got big tits.
- The Daily Sport is read by people who don't know what a country is. But they like tits!
- The Star is read by people who think that everyone should run their own country, with girls with BIG TITS!
- The Express is read by people who hate their country, everybody else's country and themselves, and everything in general.
- The Independent is read by people who own the newspapers.
Note: Anyone who reads the Daily Mail automatically think that Maggie Thatcher was actually Jesus in drag is part of the dangerous emo cult and should become An Hero because it's what Gerard Way wants.
The Daily Mail
The Daily Mail (moar liek Daily Fail, amirite?), is the standard conservative tabloid of choice for the more middle class of fucktarded Brittards. Think of a British generation no younger than 40 who can barely remember the good old days (the decades just after the war) despite constantly mentioning them; add a serious offense complex syndrome that would make even the most whiny of American Liberals cringe. Combine the latter with self satisfied knee/circle jerking about an era when “men were men” and wimmin were told to STFU and make them sammichs while getting raped on the kitchen table while wearing a nuns outfit singing “God Save the Queen,” and you have your average reader. Due to class restrictions niggers can’t read the Daily Mail as the smell of sour milk and Jew is just too much for their sensitive nostrils. The Daily Mail also enjoys a huge female readership which is obvious by its coverage of Princess Diana, fortune telling and gushing tragedies. This is also the reason for its shitty journalism which often assumes that their female readers will be too overwhelmed by their emotions to look beyond what’s being reported. Either that or its menopausal articles are supposed to attract wrinkly old farts in serious need of some aged fanny.
Factoidlet
Did you know that the Daily Mail is not only the tabloid most likely to publish a story about pedophiles but it is the paper most read by pedophiles? Not only is the Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre, a well known predatory pedophile, but pedophiles often carry a copy of the newspaper to identify each other at their secret meetings in Anglican churches and Conservative Clubs. Identification of real pedophiles (who are mostly respectable middle class husbands and wives preying on their traditional nuclear God-fearing families, or members of the police force) can also be hindered by blaming child molestation on blacks, illegal immigrants, social workers, ED and Europe. It's a win win all round.
The paper of choice for thugs and traitors
In the early 1930s, the Daily Mail openly pledged its support for Oswald Mosely and the British Union of Fascists. It's somehow fitting that they backed Hitler's most vocal British supporter, given that its editorials now read like an inarticulate, serialised version of Mein Kampf. However, they will often forget this inconvenient fact.
The Sun
For those British numbskulls who find the Daily Mail too highbrow there is the next level down in the tabloid hierarchy: The Sun. Its readers include those from the lower end of the gene pool; 13 yr old boys just looking at page 3 for Tits, hence its other name “The Scum”. Articles include all the above from the Daily Mail yet without the middle class paranoia of paedophiles and darkies. The Sun is often seen in the hands of the builders, plumbers and other solid working class backgrounds, despite being an obvious conservative rag (read as: “did we tell you how great it is to suck Rupert Murdoch’s cock?”) run by the man. Unlike the Daily Mail which has lazy, sensationalist reporting, The Sun has lazy, sensationalist reporting combined with discourse which even /b/tards would find too retarded. In fact The Sun is mostly made up of soundbites so regularly used that they would put Bill O’Reily to shame. Whenever a piece on the current action in the Gulf is required expect the use of “our lads/boys”, and the phrases “PC gone mad! Our PC-crazed society” whenever a happy Negro is spotted eating far too much KFC and watermelons.
Note for Trolls: The Sun and then editor Kelvin McKenzie are hated in the slums of Liverpool for telling the truth about the Hillsborough murders; that a bunch of drunken scousers murdered, robbed, urinated on and trampled their own at a football mach At least 100 years ago . To troll, mention this truth and your admiration of the Sun and its journalistic coverage on any radio or TV show, website, advert, soap opera or wall of a public toilet. further, [2][3] remain popular targets. statements such as '96 was not enough', 'Kelvin was right', 'Have you had a crack at page 3 today?' or 'did they piss on you too?' will yield much lulz. Protip: this will only work with the RED workskiver cartridge, with BLUE mixed results may be obtained.
Side bar your honor
Did you know that he proprietor of the Sun, Rupe Murdoch, is one hundred and fifty years old and therefore has a problem with ED? No, not Encyclopedia Sarmatica you silly gooses, but Erectile Dysfunction!!! As part of his treatment he has kindly arranged for nudes that would be considered underage in the States to be published on page 3 of the family friendly Sun and has porn cartoons like George and Mildred dotted throughout the paper, as well as 342 upskirt shots of Hermione Grainger. (The editor of the Sun, Rebekah "not Jewish, not ginger" Wade also resorted to getting her vag out on the editorial page until it was discovered that this had the opposite effect.) The Sun's old media titillation gives Rupe the wood to shake at nasty things like the BBC, all sport not on Sky and politicians to the left of Tony Blair (as well as enabling him to fuck his jailbait Azn wives). What a horrid old flasher!
Notable English “journalists”
Quite a few journalists have sold their souls and ass to the sleazier side of Fleet Street yet none are so well-known as Melaine Phillips and Richard Littlejohn. Whether they are both truly insane enough to believe their own stories; or are just in it for the lulz is anyone’s guess.
Melaine Phillips
Melaine Phillips is a britfag tabloid IRL troll, who is so batshit insane and lax on her research on both historical and current affairs, that she is a natural at writing for the Daily Mail and has been nicknamed the British Ann Coulter. Though to her credit, she hasn’t recommended the British government to start up the crusades again - yet. Melaine makes up the staple diet of Daily Wail BAAAAW and angst with her inflammatory articles that are often so out of touch with reality, it’s a wonder that the editor of the Daily Nazi hasn’t told her to close the pool. As expected by a cuntservative tabloid - err!? Newspaper!!
Her standard articles are bitching about homosexuals, Muslims, immigrants, Atheists, human rights supporters (involable rights to freedom of expression, a free press and free, unbias, public trials of suspected criminals!?! Its all left-wing propaganda made to destroy British culture and society I tell you!) as well as pumping out general, uninformed moaning about the current British government and society.
She has also published a book “Londonistan” which makes out that the 5% of the British population who self-identify as Muslim (and that’s including the majority who couldn't give a shit and just want to be left alone) are capable of taking over the UK and want to establish an Islamofascist dictatorship and Sharia law. Naturally this is wanked over by every BNP and EDL inbred numbskull out there.
What she believes
Christianity is being repressed. As Evangelist Stephan Green was “peacefully” handing out leaflets with Biblical references on homosexuality ( "it is abomination" ) at a gay rally. He was later arrested because the police have this “repressive” duty to make sure bibletards (no matter how annoying) don’t get RL B& by gays.
Having water poured over you is classed as assault while it’s sooo NOT OK to NOT deport terrorists to countries where they’ll likely be tortured. Plus trannyfags shouldn’t have the right to change their secks on their ID. Americunts take note: this is compassionate conservatism, limey stylee.
Obama is a pussy for “talking to dictators”. God forbid American’s should maybe learn to negotiate with other nations with something other than a tomahawk missile. Obama also associates with “kooky churches” and criminals which Bu$h and co. have never ever done in their lives.
Giving kids to gay couples will make them gay. Because as we all know gays are secretly latent paedophiles and the close proximity of G-rays emitted from the homosexual’s rear will eventually corrupt the child’s straight DNA until they develop gay genes.
Is ever ready at rallying the troops against totalitarianism, despite the fact that the Daily Mail has a well documented history of supporting Oswald Mosley and fascism in general. lolz irony.
Web's Sickest Sites
- Moralfags are butthurt about the Sun's massive effort to limit freedom of thought. Those who are in it for lulz, however, would know that it is their duty to report Encyclopedia Dramatica to this, because as with posting pix of Muhammad in the Islam article, it is best if ED gets as much drama and attention drawn to it as possible by the old media.
Internets Tabloids
Lulz can be found on such internets tabloids as The Guardian's Comment is Free and the Daily Mail's showbiz section. In this, a blog post or POV, biased news article about a controversial topic such as racism will be put up, and whiny butthurt fags will BAWWWWW endlessly about society. Possible use of these as a trolling technique by posting deliberate misinformation and promoting something controversial has not yet been explored. However these often go into hundreds of replies, much like a 4chan thread, only more coherent, but no less sane. For example:
—Mark, UK, on 36-year-old grandmothers. | ||
News websites can also occasionally be a good source of finding lulzworthy images to post on the various chans. Also people on the Daily Mail's website are even offended by lolcats. We advise them to check out this page and head straight to /b/ right now for some, let's say, more extreme material.
Gallery
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Classic Tabloid. -
Lol, the Daily Fail is written by ignorant retards who think that South Korea is Cambodia. -
