Alex Jones
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BREAKING NEWS!! Alex Jones likes chicks with dicks |
Alex Jones is a millionaire Zionist kike lover water filter salesman CIA agent batshit crazy conspiracy theorist and professional water-filter salesman who believes that George W. Bush did 9/11, Sandy Hook (and every other school shooting since Columbine) was a hoax that was pulled off by using crisis actors such as David Hogg, the Jewnited States' Government is polluting the country's water supply with mysterious chemicals that turn normal frogs into fudge-packing homosexual frogs and a bunch of other shit that's just as fucking crazy.
Also known as the fatter David Icke, and the antimatter to Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones describes himself as a "paleoconservative" (read: paranoid conspiracy theorist) and libertarian intellectual from Texas. As the founder of the highly reliable and not at all biased news site, Info Wars, Jones is widely regarded as a top-tier journalist by the few doomsday preppers and rednecks who actually take his show seriously and don't watch it just to laugh at him
"If you don't believe 9/11 was an inside job, it is because you consumed fluoride." OR "If you disagree with me, it is merely because you have consumed fluoride. Everybody that disagrees with me is a brainwashed sheeple." - These few quotes are commonly used by Alex Jones and his FOLLOWERS and exemplify the sublime logic and points of argumentation they implement. If the government had put out end of the world survival tips in response to the 2012 doomsday prophecy, and Jones saw them, he would have painted his entire office in semen, instead of his current I <3 Obama posters and blood of innocent people who he killed with his private drone, funded by your donations.
Although Alex started his career several decades ago, it took him 20 years to gain a massive following by the middle of the 2010s, even being supported and rimmed by then-future president of Dumbfuckistan, Donald Trump. Alex has been interviewed by several notable puppets of old media, such as Piers Morgan and Megyn Kelly. Alex peddles several bogus products through his Infowars network. If you don't purchase his penis pills or filtration systems, the gay lizard alien frogs will find you.
In August, 2018, Jones was finally b& from Social Media as Facebook, Apple, Google and Spotify all decided to remove him from their platforms following liberal outrage over Jones' past comments where he had implied that American hero Adam Lanza was, in fact, a fraud.
Documentaries
The most notable portion of Jones' longstanding career is the absurd number of documentaries he's made over the years exposing the lies of the government. The first big epic title in these exposés was America: Wake Up or Waco, about the FBI raid on the Branch Davidians in 1993.
Average plot summary of an Alex Jones documentary:
- The Branch Davidians were not a cult but a peace-loving religious group. And David Koresh was in no way a pedophile.
- The government is being run by the Worldwide Masonic Conspiracy, who are in turn run by Satanists.
- The Masonic Conspiracy funds wars through centralized banks.
- Israeli intelligence connection to 9/11
(UNDENIABLE PROOF) - The government is creating a North American Union http://www.spp.gov/ as a cover to poison the world population with nano-technology and enslave the human race. (Seriously. Don't believe it? Try this on for size.)
All of these documentaries are on sale on one of Jones' various websites. All of them cost a small fortune for the DVD versions, but since people rip them and put them on Google video no one buys them anyway.
Radio Show
Like every conservative intellectual with a computer, Jones is also famous for having his own radio show. Most of the time it tends to be a circle-jerk of conspiracy theorists and people who call in only to get pwnt by Jones' fanboys.
Other popular topics include:
- Celebrity interviews, like that guy who claims to have fucked an alien and the editor of the World Weekly News
- Jones getting Loose Change made into a Hollywood production
- The true faces of the New World Order
- The Elite Agenda
- Barack Obama is the anti-christ.
- Gay frogs
Some argue that the Muse song "Time is Running Out" is about the blowjob Jones gave Matthew Bellamy to get him to appear on the show.
This is pretty much every Info Wars podcast, 10 minutes of content followed by 5 minutes of self made ads. The ads are almost always about ways to maintain boners or losing weight, the two things that probably led to Alex's divorce.
The Internet
Jones runs a number of websites devoted to his war against the elite, the most notable of which are Prison Planet and Infowars. Both sites appeal to freethinkers of the eclectic variety. Subscribers to Infowars self-identify as Infowarriors. Being an Infowarrior is an important task that entails dismantling the NWO by uncritically accepting all Infowars' output, commenting on their videos, and purchasing Infowars' take on homeopathy. Basically it's a way of LARPing a secret agent, rebel, holy warrior and renegade badass all in one role. Though conservatards love to cite Jones as a champion of truth and freedom in the wake of George Bush's rampant faggotry, any moron who actually bothers to read his articles would know that he's just as bad, if not worse than the people he so heroically stands against, because he's actually a conservative. He's supposedly what's called a "paleoconservative", which is supposed to be the opposite of a neoconservative. This makes Jones roughly the political equivalent of a televangelist.
Selling points of an Alex Jones website include:
- Articles about the dangers of government
- Ads for critical survivalist literature written by ardent Jones supporters
- Colloidal silver (Argyria ftw!)
- Trailers for Jones' next documentary
- Flash ads for the above that eat up your computer's memory until it dies.
- News about the amero AKA crazy tokens that do not exist
Typical Alex Jones Radio Shows
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Associative Thinking: How Alex Jones Fools Large Amounts of Internetz-Foolz
In 2012 some Britfag on Alex Jones' show revealed how the show brainwashes its viewers.
The NWO Illuminati 666
For every action, there is a reaction. That is the way the world works. For every fat, loathsome Libertarian lurking in his trailer-park "fallout shelter," rabidly ordering "survival seeds" from Jones' sponsors, there is an equally fat, community-college grad fag "ironically" listening to the radio show, incredulously gushing in pained exasperation at every single one of Alex's insane assertions.
As such, the only people who actually care enough to vocally and publicly oppose the bellicose Fuck, are knee-jerk Olbermann fans: the same people who thought it "progressive" to elect a nigger president, put a Jew in charge of the banks - and who are more than likely responsible for this very article.
Alex Jones is the definition of shit nobody cares about, and neither should you.
Alex Jones Does Satire
Obviously Alex Jones and his fans are a herd of lol-cows, but some are surprised to know that Jones actually thinks he can make people laugh INTENTIONALLY! He does this through the use of what he calls "satire", but which is obviously not satire and is just really weird and shows how fucked up in the head Jones really is. His "satire" consists of putting a towel on his head, putting on a high-pitched voice, sitting on a throne next to his butt boy and shrieking about the New World Order while he "interviews" himself. (Srsly, see video below).
While it is generally recognized that watching the Alex Jones show is one of the most lulzy things to do with your spare time, watching Jones attempt satire is weird and alienating. Jones' "satire" generates major degrees of fail and leaves the viewer feeling empty and devoid of vital force.
The "Joker" Incident
The "Joker" incident is a well-known internets happening when Alex Jones finally lost his mind, put on make-up to look like the Joker from the second film in the Batman Dark Knight trilogy, and started raving like a maniac. This incident was so weird, even for Jones, that many people who regularly watch him for the lulz finally shook their head and turned off his Youtube channel permanently as they knew that Jones could never truly top this incident in terms of pure, in-your-face retardation.
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Others, however, just claim that the "Joker" incident is simply proof that Alex Jones suffers from chronic brain disease and should be locked in a monkey cage with a bullhorn and hung up in Times Square for everyone who pleases to take a gander. Actually, this wouldn't be much different to the current freak-show that he airs on Youtube six days a week.
Alex Jones vs Piers Morgan
When Britfag Piers Morgan tried to have the US government take Jones' guns so that he could personally break into Jones' house and rape his wife and kids, Jones got mighty pissed off. So, he started an online petition to troll the fuck out of Morgan and get him deported. Some said that this was ironic because Jones claims to want smaller government and constitutional rights, but also seems to have wanted the US government to prevent Morgan from exercising free speech. Some even went so far as saying that this shows that Jones and his stupid cult are actually a bunch of fascist creeps in disguise. Nevertheless, Jones soon went on the Piers Morgan show to clear up the confusions. Lulz ensued.
(Actually, the original is just as lulzy and can be found here: "Jones Chimps Out Big Time on Piers Morgans' Show").
Fat retard gets pwnt on UK TV
TL;DW: 2014 Bilderberg conference held in Watford, Britain; Alex Jones turns up and shouts in his annoying gravelly voice; gets invited on crappy politics show; totally loses his shit on live TV and rants about how he has "blown wide open" the fact that the EU is a Nazi plot; is dismissed in one line delivered by UK's shittiest commentator ("We have an idiot on the programme!").
Although it should be noted that Jones's debating opponent on the show was David Aaronovitch, a broadsheet columnist who was the major cheerleader in Britain for the UK/US motive for invading Iraq until it became totally obvious that it was lies, at which point he started claiming it was old news and we should all move on. Which makes him a prominent anti-conspiracist who failed to notice one of the biggest IRL conspiracies in recent years and then tried to cover up his failure.
And the crowning glory of all this is that Alex Jones was sitting right beside an exposed Zionist propaganda merchant for the War on Terror ...
Genital Grabbing
One thing that Alex likes talking about a LOT is the idea of the TSA or the cops grabbing your genitals. We say he likes talking about it and he does -- like some weird fixation that he just cannot get away from -- but almost nothing makes him more angry than the idea of having his genitals grabbed, crushed, palpated or squeezed by an authority figure. What experience led to Jones' obsession with authority figures giving his widdle a fiddle, we may never know. But this much is clear: Jones HATES it when "THEY" grab his genitals, his wife's genitals or his children's genitals.
Of course, in order to counterattack the genital gropers of the "THEY" Jones has done quite a bit of research on genital groping techniques which we have compiled in this handy sixty second video compilation which you can use to ensure that your genitals are not squeezed. (Or, if you're a cop or a TSA agent in training you can use it as an instructional video or whatever).
Prank Calls With Alex Jones
Some geniuses on Youtube have realized that using an Alex Jones soundboard to prank phone call people is one of the lulziest acts imaginable. If anyone else out there feels like doing this we'd encourage them to use moar conspiracy theory rants about fluoride in the water. One particularly funny prank would be to cherry-pick some of Jones' craziest bits and call a psychiatrist and then post it on Youtube and put it on this ED page for others to lol at.
Alex loses his Children to "FEMA"
As of this year, Alex Jones has lost custody of his children in a recent court ruling.
His ex wife testified against him, complaining about gay frogs and different celebrities, congressmen, & senators he threatened on air.
Of course our heavy set water filter salesman came with his A game and claimed to have "eaten too much chili" to respond to questions.
This genius tactic almost won him the day, but lame stream media seemed to focus on some unsavory details listed below.
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Oh and some news shill sat in on the court event and snitched on Alex's private moments. The actual cause of his divorce was him fucking Lee ann mcadoo...some intern on his show who handed him the Bill Clinton rape shirt to give as a present to Cenk Uygur
Alex Jones gets removed from YouTube
Ricky under the name "Gary" calls up Inforwars and attempts to fuck with them after getting Jones removed from Jewtube.
Alex Jones & #SandyLootCrew Trolls
While Superstorm Sandy ripped through the East Coast of the U.S. in October 2012; Alex Jones took the time to fall for the trolling of the Sandy Loot Crew
Alex Jones' Goregasms
If you watch Alex Jones very closely you'll soon notice that his job is actually to lock himself in his studio, turn on his multiple cameras and spend the next sixty minutes getting his rocks off. You see, Jones doesn't actually get off on the stuff that most people get off on. And no, he doesn't get off on furry pr0n either. Instead he gets off on talking about really sick shit. So, in a way Jones is a bit like the good people on Encyclopedia Dramatica except the difference is that Jones is crazy enough to concoct conspiracies about how he thinks his sick death fantasies will manifest themselves on the streets of amerikkka.
The other difference is that while a good, half-socialized EDiot will log into Encyclopedia Dramatica and hide behind a username while they mind-spunk all the sick shit they repress in day-to-day life onto the screen, Jones sits inside a studio and gets paid to goregasm out his mouth day-in day-out. So, Jones is actually sort of like a paid version of one of those rogue masturbators that you "accidentally" stumble upon on Chatroulette. And like the masturbators some of the thrill for Jones is the idea of being watched squeeze every last drop of happy-syrup out of his mental love-wand. So, next time you hear Jones go into gory detail about sick shit or death or being groped by the TSA or whatever, take a close look at his pants and see if anyone pops up to say hello.
Gallery
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FILLTERRRSSS!!!!1 -
A voice of reason -
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Alex declares war on /b/ -
NWO traitors types A & B better run!
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Alex Jones jealously guards his sources. Previous Video | Next Video |
—Kimberly suspects Alex is part of the NWO. |
—K-h exposes Alex Jones once and for all. |
Trolling Jones Fans
- Show them this article.
- Tell them that the world as it is kind of sucks and a New World Order sounds dandy!
- Inform them that Alex Jones is actually a member of the Illuminati misdirecting them with fear into leading the lives of basement dwellers.
- Tell them you voted for Barack Hussein Obama because of his charming smile. Be sure to be wearing some sort of helmet.
- Add a link to Tin Foil Hat to the See Also section of his TOW article. When one of his fan boys reverts your edit, add it again. (The link isn't to the right place)
- Show them the Conspiracy Science articles debunking his movies.
- Inform them that Ron Paul
hashad as much of a chance winning the election as a paper dog has chasing an asbestos cat through hell. - Mock their beliefs by telling them that you're a member of the Illuminati or that Ron Paul is really a space lizard.
- Ask them why they don't get vaccinations or use anything containing fluoride.
- Inform them that JEWS DID WTC.
- Tell them that you think Glen Beck is really on the ball with his anti new world order stuff
- Post here.
- Tell them that Alex Jones is actually a shill for the Jews. People actually believe this.
- Inform them that it was actually the Jews who were behind 9/11
- Tell them Alex Jones is a false flag conspiracy theorists working for the Jews (some people actually believe this)
- Tell them the Rothchilds and George Soros are not the reason for their virginity
- Tell them that Ron Paul spent years working for FEMA
- Tell them that the "Paul twins" (Ron and Rand) are part of a NWO clone program and that both are half-lizard
- Tell them that the Federal Reserve is a public body and then when they insist that its private ask them why they turn 100% of their profits over to the US Treasury/government every year -- after all, no private corporation would simply give 100% of their profits to the government!
- Tell them that Alex Jones is really Bill Hicks
Parking Lot Story
A source of lulz for the last three years, the Alex Jones' Parking Lot Story is infamous amongst Jones' cult followers, independent free-press, and Alex's detractors, alike.
While the reality of the story is up for debate, it is not unreasonable to assume that Alex - a loudmouth fuck who picks fights with relative strangers - started the fight, and then lost it, accordingly. (An example of his reasoning skills can be heard daily on his radio program, where he debates with callers who disagree.)
The story goes: Alex and company, including his father, Bob, were having dinner at some restaurant. At another table was a RL troll named Steve. Alex recognized the man's voice (as Steve routinely called various radio shows in the Austin area to prank them; favouring Alex's show.) Approaching the man, Alex began to curse at and threaten Steve. Alex, acting big, stated he was going to whip the troll's ass. Steve stepped up and double dawg dared him to step outside...
At first, Alex wavered. But, having a huge ego and a tough guy image to keep up, (and realizing that even if he lost the fight, he could always lie later-on,) Alex went outside to confront Steve.
In the parking lot, Alex was hesitant to fight, but Steve kept at him. In true nigger fashion, Alex threatened to pull his piece on Steve, who RL trolled Alex even more by calling him a "pussy;" stating, to the extent, that "only pussies bring a gun to a fist-fight, you jarhead pussy."
Alex, according to eye-witness reports, ran to his truck, fumbling for his gun, which he apparently slipped into some pocket. Then, with a hand in that pocket, advanced on Steve - who, after a few steps backwards, triple-dawg dared Alex to, "shoot me already, you jarhead bitch." Then popped Alex in the face, dropping him like a faggot.
Alex cried for dad, ordering one of his dinner guests to, "Get Bob!!"
While Alex's cohort ran indoors to fetch daddy, Alex got back up and spat blood in Steve's face. Steve reacted accordingly, and punched Alex again, dropping him.
Long story short: Before fleeing the restaurant parking lot, Alex told Steve that he had powerful relatives in the FBI, and reported to them Steve's [now defunct] bookstore as a terrorist front, and Steve, as a pedo, with large cache of CP . The fed, in true Illuminati fashion, found Steve not guilty of anything.
Alex, remembering his revelation at dinner the night before, went on-air and claimed that he was jumped by 4-5 knife-wielding assailants (despite not receiving even one cut during his heroic struggle.) They hated freedom, loved to oppresses patriots, and wanted him dead. But, Alex told, he valiantly fought them off with only his bare fists, because he wasn't going to lay down - he wasn't afraid!
To this day, Alex fights to have this story removed from the Internets forever.
Critical Questions for the Alex Jones Fan
- If Alex Jones is the lone whistle-blower on the planet who can expose this global megaconspiracy, then why don't the illuminati simply rub him out in a staged car-crash or have him gunned down in broad daylight by a communist patsy?
- If Alex Jones' documentaries and books are full of the vital critical information needed to stop the New World Order, why does he still charge money for them?
- How can a world-controlling organization be stopped by the very system of government it invented? ...oh wait. It CAN'T.
- If fire can't melt steel, then why did this happen?
- If heat can't make metal weaker, then why do blacksmiths put shit into fire before hitting it with a hammer?
- Also, isn't steel made by melting stuff?
- See if they can define Paleocon in their own words without using anything they learned from Alex Jones or Wikipedia, or see if they can use it in an accurate and non-sensationalistic manner.
- Ask them if they can explain why Jones stated the firefighters were involved in 9/11 on his radio show and web site, but when he was questioned about it later he denied he ever said anything like that[1].
- Ask them why Alex Jones sucks off homeopathy faggots hocking colloidal silver, if he cares so much for his country?
- If Bohemian Grove is a homosexual hang-out what was Alex Jones doing there in the first place?
- How much did you weigh before you got into conspiracy theories?
- Why does everyone seem to know everything about these "secret" societies?
- Why not move to an area with no government influence?
- Would Alex Jones push me?
- Does Alex Jones bathe in his mega-expensive filtered water as well as drink it, since fluoride can be absorbed through the skin?
- Does Alex Jones even bathe, or is he hosed down by psychiatric staff once a week?
See Also
- Ron Paul
- David Icke
- Paul Joseph Watson
- Survivalist
- Worldwide Masonic Conspiracy
- Avery Chicoine
- Loose Change
- Zeitgeist - The Movie
- Truther
- Sherry Shriner
- Coast to Coast AM
- Xee-A Twelve
- Austin
- Birther
- Above Top Secret
- Alvin Greene
External Links
Official Shit
- Prison Planet
- INFOWARS DOT COM
- Official twitter account of Alex Jones
- Stop the New World Order! Through MySpace!
- Fighting for your freedom on Jewtube.
- Alex Jones real.video chunnel
Loony Articles
- Antidepressants Cause Murder!
- Homosexuals Cause Suicide!
- 9/11 Causes Abuse of the Bold Tag!
- Maddox' fans insist he call in to Jones' radio show to get PWNT
- Alex Jones and his shit movies get pwned
- A powerhouse kickass show with conspiracy superstars Webster Griffin Tarpley and Texe Mars -- it's off the charts!
Truth
- Is Alex Jones A Zionist Shill?..Controversy Swirls
- ALEX JONES IS A ZIONIST SHILL!!!
- Opinion on Internet2 - Lulzy discussion at TOW where it's particularly obvious he doesn't even know what it is he has an opinion on.
- The Truth is out there! Wake up!
- David Duke vs Alex Jones Former KKK Grand Wizard pwns Alex in a debate. Alex then delets the video
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Alex Jones is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article August 16 & 17, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by Null |
Alex Jones | Succeeded by TBA |
