Alabama
Alabama was accidentally by a group of European explorers who were asking people who already lived there (who didn't discover the place because they didn't have any flags), if they could help them find Atlantis. However due to their extreme Spanish-ness, they crashed their ship right onto the shore. Naturally being the intelligent and quick thinking gentlemen they were, they proceeded to make Alabama into the dumping grounds for retards that they couldn't talk into moving to Mississippi. Alabama is a state full of rednecks, black persons, and Republicans. [[1]] This is especially true if you live in the state capital, Montgomery (affectionately called Monkeytown by the natives), the chicken Auschwitz of the South and Birmingham, also known as Bombingham because of all the lulz that occurred there in the 1960's. Sometimes it's mistaken for the Seventh Circle of Hell and Satan's asshole but that is usually by people who have never visited Mississippi. Its predominant exports are incest, mud, abortions, moonshine, violent religious fanboys, football/basketball players and illiteracy. Much like Georgia, another southern state, the excessive in-breeding has led to rampant stupidity, the popularity of NASCAR, and ugly-ass bucktoothed bitches.
Alabama Soccer
Getting to Know Alabamians
Alabamians are an interesting group of Americans that add much to America to make it great. They are very fond of their state and if anyone should bring up something like slavery, segregation or lynchings they will become anti-racists and fire back with something about what the Yankees did to the Injuns like stealing land and giving them small pox- in other words the rednecks will befriend the redskins to avoid troll's remorse. Also, Alabamians are very jealous that both South Carolina and Mississippi succeeded before they did. Alabamians, being the proud Southerners they are decided to make up for this by having the lowest SAT scores and always going for the high score when it came time to lynch Negros. In the decades following Alabama's lose of face, they have through much hard work been able to beat South Carolina in these categories (although South Carolina is making a noble effort to catch up) but has been unable to pull ahead of Mississippi, which remains the undisputed king of low SAT scores and lynchings.
Every white Alabamian you meet is a Republican which is the height of irony considering that the greatest trolls of Alabama were all Republican as well. This is because way back when, the Democrats went nigger loving on the good people of Alabama and has since also went fagot, beaner and Arab loving as well. Because the Democrats are the tools of Satan most God fearin' Alabamians refuse to vote for them for fear doing so will send them straight to hell. They are right to do so because gay marriage is totally against everything the Prince of Peace stood for.
Alabamians love football and will have tailgate parties to get drunk with other Alabamians. In north Alabama a deity known as The Bear is worshiped and the people will often rejoice in his wisdom and sacrifice children to appease him. His followers swear he is coming back one day, much like another another group popular in the state. NASCAR is also popular in the state and anyone who doesn't like to watch cars going around a track for three hours straight will be called a queer.
Alabamian males are all huge fans of a form of tabacco called dip. Dip is highly addictive and it is suggested to blend in with the redneck that you stick a large amount of this shit in your bottom lip and then slowly spit it out into your mother's beer bottle. This will make you cool.
Another fun pasttime of Alabamians is hunting. Hunting is a sport where a fat, aging redneck will sit in terrible weather conditions for days on end with a gun just to feel the thrill of taking a life. This is mostly because rednecks are pussies and couldn't kill actual people, so they settle for ambushing defensless animals. This is the true peak of entertainment in Alabama, and also perfect for trolling because telling a redneck he's not hunting anything if he's just sitting there will always result in massive butthurt and lulz.
Race mixing is still frowned upon in the great state of Alabama and with good reason, the black race when given a chance will always try to destroy the Nobel white race. In Alabama they disbelieve that one can be half white and half black as the state moto is, "If you shit in a cake the cake tastes like shit, the shit won't taste like cake".
Alabamians by in large distrust the government, especially when others are in the White House. Still, when the the Twin Towers got PWNED Alabamains like most Americans became very patriotic and enlisted to go kill camel jockeys on the other side of the world. What Alabamians, along with most Americunts failed to realize was that the Arabs were not the real enemy, because JEWS DID 9/11.
Culture
- Pro Bass Shops and gun shops on every street corner - Sport and hunting supplies is like coffee is to Seattle.
- Using lead drinking apparatus (hence their slurred speech and below average IQ's)
Recreational creation and use of crystal methMETH MOUNTAIN GOT BAALEETED BY A TORNADO LOL!
Government
The governor of Alabama is Bob Riley, a racist, Republican psycho that won the office by sucking the biggest dick. He's the bastard son of George Bush and Mike Huckabee and grew up by whipping the local Negroes that worked on the family farm. Surprisingly he isn't total ass as a governor he focused on education, industry and taxes. Oh wait, he didn't do that. That was some retard who worked for him. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS. Recently his popularity has decreased due to people going Jew about taxes. The most famous Alabama governor was George Wallace who managed to pull the amazing feat of trolling both Negros and the KKK by promising "segregation now, segregation tomorrow and segregation forever" while also putting a whole bunch of blacks in government. No other Alabama governor has been able to pull off this since, so most governors will stick to trolling either the jungle bunnies or the Klan, but not both. All Alabama governors do enjoy to troll fags and lesbians as both white and black Alabamians agree that homos piss of the almighty God.
—George Wallace | ||
Reasons Why Alabama Sucks
During the Cold war Huntsville Alabama was a relocation area for Nazi scientists that the US government hid from it's own citizens. (Wernher von Braun center anyone?) To this day Alabama citizens remain ignorant to the Nazi decendants living amoung them and this makes for excellent trolling, but don't take our word for it. [3] [4]
It's home to cities named after famous local hillbillies like Burntcorn and Slapout, and even the upscale area of Possum Trot
Alabamian cuisine is particularly noted as being the only food where that you can get AIDS just from eating it. Dishes like Fried Shits, Beans and Cornbread are considered fine dining.
Alabamians boast of their fine culture with a slogan on each license plate: "Cud bee wurs. Cud bee Misispi." (Trivia: Actually, most of the license plates have "Stars Fell On Alabama", "Sweet Home Alabama", "Heart of Dixie" and "God bless Alabama", but nobody has a clue what it means, not even Alabamians...)
Alabama is hotter than Hell at all times (including Winter).
There is exactly one paved road in Alabama, but it belongs to a fucking nigger lovin' Yankee kike that nobody likes cause he uses "dem big words". He was ass raped by Bubba Joe last Thursday, but that doesn't make him a faggot, he "wuz just showin' him who boss."
Reasons Why Alabama Is Good
- if you live in the Tennessee valley you pay the lowest utility bills in the United States. If you don't happen to live in that small lucky area you help all those dumb rednecks and mexicans pay for the slack on their utility bill at the end of the month. feels good doesn't it?
- and let's not forget, you. Of course.
Economy
Alabama's exports (much like all southern states) include:
- Bacon fat
- Bestiality
- Country music
- Cotton
- CP
- Crystal Meth
- Dirt
- Dukes of Hazard (No wait, that's Georgia)
- Foreign cars (this is some sort of paradox!)
- High-quality, space-grade rockets and computer equipment
- Incest
- Peanuts
Alabama's imports
Famous Alabamians
- Truman Capote
- Courtney Cox
- Paul Fetch
- Natalee Holloway - Also a state export
- Harper Lee
- Sammy Stephens
- Several overpaid college sport coaches
- Amy Bishop
- Hellen Keller
- Tim James
On a final note:
Lot of musicians come from Alabama. This is because literacy isn't important here, and a good chunk of the population doesn't know how do do anything else. Much of it is cool, with the chance to be exposed to good music ranging from Hank Williams to Sun Ra to W.C.CHANY to the lady from the Greatful Dead, but a downside is you got a lot of people that don't give a shit about anything else, and live in lunar rock star fantasies that have no concept of reality with the real world many times. This is a great source of lulz to watch one of these reality crisis to happen. It's a proven fact, that these people would be homeless if they lived in another state.
Language
Residents from Alabama speak a language loosely based on about 100 almost recognizable English language words and large number of grunts, groans, and hisses which more resemble the off-gassing of industrial equipment than what a linguist would recognize as language.
Typical conversation from two near-simian humanoids in Alabama:
Inbred #1: WHAR YEW FREM BOWAH?
Inbred #2: FIME FREM HALLAH BAMMAH BOWAH!
Inbred #1: (...) UH...WHAR YEW SAIT YEW FREM BOWAH?
Inbred #2: BOWAH HAIZE FREM HALLAH BAMMAH BOWAH!
Inbred #1: HAH SAIT WHAR DAH HEYAL YEW BE FREM BOWAH!
Inbred #2: HAH SAIT HAIZE FREM HEW HEW HEW HEW HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW!
Inbred #1: WHULL WHAH DAH FUHK HAINT YEW SAIT SO BOWAH!
Education in Alabama
Nonexistent at the public level as many in Alabama are still butthurt that they have to go to school with darkies. All you learn in primary and secondary school is why queers can't get married, why sex is bad and that evolution is just a theory. Ironically, Alabama has two major schools: Auburn University and the University of Alabama. The founders of Auburn were so fucking stupid that they couldn't decide whether the mascot would be a Tiger or an Eagle. If you ask an Auburn University fanboi why they yell War Eagle like an asspie when their team is the Tigers, they will immediately rage and go on a tangent about how much better Auburn is than UGA. The University of Alabama's mascot is the Elephant, the symbol of the Republican Party and Alabama fanbois constantly yell "Roll Tide" as a reference to their favorite type of art. If you point out that the "Crimson Tide" sounds like a tide of menstrual blood, your typical Alabama fanboi will rage and go off on a tangent about why Auburn sucks. There are a few other schools in the state, which helps Alabama produce a new generation of highly skilled, highly paid service industry employees thus bringing Alabama into the 21st century.
Auburn and Alabama hate each other, but this doesn't stop them from engaging in a yearly inbred fuck-fest year after year.
Trolling Alabama
It is very easy to troll Alabama.
1) Proclaim how bad Alabama, Auburn, and the SEC all around are.
3) Become a NASCAR- and beer-hating Mexican homosexual.
4) Expose George Bush (or any Republican other than Lincoln or Teddy Roosevelt) for the sack of dog shit he really is.
5) Say that you're glad the South lost the war.
6) Say you think gays should be allowed to get married.
7) Say guns should be banned.
8) Get an abortion.
9) Buy a sex toy.
11) PROFIT!
All in all
All in all Alabama is a backwards, shitty pile of fail that almost makes Africa look good. The people are retarded, the transportation system (LOL WUT?) sucks, and the culture is enough to make a NORP kill themselves. Oh, and let's not forget that everyone's completely batshit insane. This is the state where they don't call 911 and if their gun is jammed they will just beat you to death with it. The one redeeming value of Alabama is that all visitors and residents of the state are legally allowed to spit on and/or physically assault furries and scientologists.
