Maine
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BREAKING NEWS!! HOLY SHIT WEED'S LEGAL NOW!!! |
Maine, (abbreviation: ME) colloquially referred to as the bastard stepchild of Massachusetts, is inhabited almost entirely by lobsters. The few humans willing to reside there are known as the Southerners of the North. Maine is home to dead cows, flannel jackets and Portland, a small city not to be confused with Portland.
Maine is as cold and icy as a Maine woman's vagoo in the winter and wicked fucking hot in the summer. There is little point to visit Maine unless you are hankering to become the subject of Stephen King's next book. Everybody in Maine is batshit insane.
Maine economy
Maine's chief export is lobster, shipped to fine restaurants across the world to give food poisoning to the socially elite. Lobster is followed closely by blueberries, potatoes, and frogs.
The bulk of Maine revenue is generated from disability payments.
Maine natives
—Tourist | ||
—Old Man from Pet Cemetary | ||
Approximately 91 percent of Mainliners are actually descended from Quebecois who came over and done took our jobs. Mainers feel a strong urge to promote and continue their backward lifestyle. The average driveway contains six rusted cars as any more would be showing off. Mainers eschew the merits of large cities, believing them to be full of criminals constantly gang-raping innocent passersby. Thus, most have never left the safe confines of their own county, much less the state.
While most Mainers despise tourists, they will never show it. Second only to government checks, tourism is Maine's primary business, as people from other states flock to see a third-world country in their own backyard.
As the average Maine family has never had enough money to own a slave, the colored population is among the lowest in America.
See also: Damien Zygote and Fox Azure
Regions of Maine
East Maine is a mythical land near Canada where surnames peak at 5 and they hate Indians. Down East Mainers have the thickest, most disturbing of Mainer accents, bordering on the intelligibility of Alabama.
Eastern and Central Maine have some of the best banjo playing north of the Mason-Dixon, so grab your corporate buddies, head up to the river, and get in some fly fishing. Don't worry about that toothless redneck, he's there to make sure you are safe.
Central Maine has a higher sex offender count than major cities like Boston and New York, a side effect of the cracked leather skin Mainers inherit on their 14th birthday, rendering them additionally unattractive.
A large influx of Somali refugees in Southern Maine prompted many of the Maine Natives to worry that the lazy refugees might cut into their hard-earned food stamps and social security benefits. Many refugees left immediately upon arrival to find greener pastures, while others remained since they had found the one place in America that felt like home.
The Maine Accent
The most common mistaken assumption people make when going to Maine is that the accent is like that of Massachusetts. They are wrong. The Maine accent has more swearing and the vocabulary level of a seven year old. Throw in a lack of vowel pronunciation equivalent to a deaf child and you'll get the hang of it.
Maine is home to a number of colloquialisms deriving from their inability to describe common objects within their limited range, much like the Orwellian newspeak of 1984. "Front yard" or "lawn" becomes "dooryard." A "purse" or "handbag" becomes a "pocketbook."
Using proper pronunciation or words longer than three syllables will single you out as a faggot and you will receive a proper course in Maine etiquette.
Casino
Bangor now has a casino. It is not an actual Casino of course, because Maine couldn't possibly allow poker or roulette or other actual table games to be played, but it has slot machines.
Unlike in other regions, Indian tribes have not been allowed any slot machines or a casino in the state. While many would have you believe this an example of racism, the truth is that the Indians would spend most of their money on alcohol and jenkem.
Many feared the birth of gambling in Maine, believing it would lead to further evils like electricity or even work.
Politics in Maine
There is an old adage oft repeated, "As Maine goes, so goes the nation." This is wrong. Nobody cares about Maine, but like the average camwhore, it continues to believe itself important.
Maine has a history of electing troll politicians, beginning with Ed Muskie and most recently, Paul LePage. After beating the woman and the jew, LePage was given the ability to lead the state into a new era of lulz.
LePage ran on a platform of cutting budgets, beating gays, and promoting fireworks. Upon taking office, he righteously refused to meet with the NAACP, followed quickly by disregarding chemical warnings, leading to massive butthurt.
—Paul LePage, on traps | ||
His shenanigans managed to briefly thrust Maine into the national limelight it had so long craved, only to discover that like Chris-chan before them, sometimes it is better to remain anonymous.
Be Like A Mainer
- Say wicked in front of every word, for example: "Daddy took his wicked penis and raped me up good."
- Learn to swear. A LOT. For example: "Fuckin A, dudeguy, I'm gonna slap you sillay foh stickin ya dick in my woman's shithole."
- Smack your mother because she gave chlamydia to your brother.
- Get a girl pregnant, drop out of high school, and live on the system.
- Be shocked and awed at neon lights.
- Sell heroin.
- Run over Stephen King with a minivan.
- Wait for your life to end.
Things to do in Maine
- Watch a bear shit in the woods.
- Dialup some internets.
- Drink, fight and fuck pinecones.
- Count trees.
- Smoke weed every day.. Legally! [1][2]
- Hunt tourists.
- Commit Suicide.
- Be an hero.
See Also
