Sumo

Sumo in a nutshell. If you don't like obese men you should probably change the channel now.

Sumo is a Japanese sport that dates back centuries where morbidly obese men (and these days women too) fight each other for the nation’s entertainment. What used to be an ancient harvest tradition has now become a bizarre laughing stock for the whole world to enjoy thanks to the magic of the internet. It also seems to be a reliable sign that Japan may have a closeted fat fetish.

History

The Nihon Shoki, (AKA “The Chronicles of Japan”; the second-oldest book of classical Japanese history published in 720), dates the first sumo match between “mortals“ to the year 23 BC, when a land whale named Nomi no Sukune fought against a giant blob named Taima no Kuehaya at the request of a super rich asshole named Emperor Suinin. This was back when sumo was interesting because they fought to the death. Now it’s all just fat pussies fighting each other for corporate money and yakuza bets.

I suppose some other important factoids here would be that, at first, sumo was only enjoyed in the royal court. This slowly expanded over time as more rich retards were allowed in to watch. Later matches became open to the general public, followed by the first radio broadcast in 1928, and then with the television coverage beginning in 1953. After that, thanks to the internet, the whole world was able to see the rice eating contest that is sumo. Diabeetus be praised.

Yakuza Match Fixing

In nearly every major civilization on earth, sports and mafia-run (fixed) gambling go hand in hand because honest betting is obviously a sin. The Yakuza took over the Sumo gambling scene pretty quickly, probably dating back to when the sport became a public spectacle and drunken peasants were allowed to place bets. Thanks to those meddling kids this match fixing was repeatedly discovered, most notably in 2011. The result was... nothing really. They removed cellphones from the wrestlers’ locker rooms in an attempt to curb the problem. But, since the Yakuza still exists, it was basically a very mild inconvenience; a chain-link fence in front of Godzilla. It’s assumed that (like most fighting sports) matches are still fixed and that monitoring players win/loss statistics gives you better odds than their actual skill.

Racism & Sexism

As most of us already know, Japan is made up of a bunch of old-fashioned people that pretend to be polite and modern but are, in fact, closet savages. They are closet racists, closet wife beaters, closet pedophiles and closet religious nutjobs. It's kind of like talking to your grandparents in the USA (or any country, really) where they pretend not to be fucked up assholes. But, in varying degrees, they definitely are.

File:Racist tokyo.jpg

Woke Snowflakes under the rising sun.

Sumo is no exception to this rule. These macaca fuscata exclude women from competition and ceremonies. Women are not allowed to enter or touch the sumo wrestling ring (dohyo), a tradition stemming from Shinto and Buddhist beliefs that women are "impure" because of menstrual blood. This is why you often see Muslim and Japanese men high fiving each other during sumo tournaments while their wimmins make them a sandwich. #relationshipGoals, am I right?

This sexism continues to this day and tends to stir up lulz on the internet every so often. Luckily the men in Japan know how to keep bitches in their place and use their ring hands in response to any and all criticism against this "ancient tradition".

While Sumo has allowed "Gaijin" (foreigners) into sumo, it's heavily restricted, and it's mostly Mongolians. In fact sumo's current top wrestler is a Mongolian named Hakuho who frequently sweeps tournaments. The only American Sumo wrestlers were a couple of hawaiian fatasses, which is surprising considering how many fat americans there are. Combine that with superior, slave bred black genetics one would think we'd have a bubba in the ranks by now. But since it's so difficult for black people to even be properly accepted in Japan, the chances of this happening are slim to none. Until then they will just have to settle for wrestling in sumo tournaments outside of Japan elsewhere around the world.

Hazing

You know those horror stories you hear about joining a fraternity and they make you fuck a goat, or spank you with a paddle after you drink over 9000 beers? Believe it or not, those stories are actually better than what you hear about the training involved with sumo wrestling. These fat boys love to push hazing to the extreme and one can only imagine what went on before the media began to sniff around. While things have died down since then, stuff still pops up that makes you feel pretty grateful for that drunken sheep fucking you just endured.

Training

File:Sumo falling out of ring.jpg

Weee!

File:World's most obese man.jpg

The world's most obese man has the same health problems most sumo wrestler's do.

If you do survive the initiation rights, (probably multiple times throughout your career; elementary school, high school, university, and pro) then you are finally blessed with a slightly less agonizing torture that shortens your lifespan by at least 20 years if not more. Every day of basic sumo life is a living hell; heavy, aggressive training that makes boot camp look like gay-conversion camp. On top of that it's strictly controlled by rules that are sort of like being in prison, or at best military school. Rules like having your senior members have full authority over you, not being allowed to see friends/family whenever you want, not being allowed to get married, not being allowed to drive; these are standard rules for new wrestlers. Sounds fun right? Wait... there's more...

You wake up early and train, skip breakfast, and then get to eat a huge amount of food while chugging beer. Then you take a nap before waking up to train and eat more. Sounds kind fun right? IDK, ask that fat guy who died in [Se7en].

At the end of the day let's remember what it's all for: You earn the right to step into the ring in a diaper and smash yourself head on (mild concussions are incredibly common) into another huge fat guy in hopes of winning a tournament. Oh, by the way... there is a tournament every other month all year round... forever. And if you don't fight, you lose rank and don't get paid. One day maybe you will win enough to retire and repeat this entire process all over again with whoever is stupid enough to join your "stable". (Yes, they are actually called training "stables".)

Injuries are also quite common. And we don't mean a sprained ankle (although they happen too.) We are talking about permanent injuries that last for life. Knee damage is especially common. Who would have thought that extreme weight and pressure on the same joints over and over through your entire life would have seriously detrimental effects on the human body? On top of that, these wrestlers have matches on a raised ring with no ropes around it. Falling off the edge happens on a regular basis. Not to worry though, the crowd is right around the edge of the ring to help cushion their fall.

Of course injuries are only half of your problems. The other half is the unhealthy amount of weight gain required to be a sumo wrestler. This, naturally, reduces your lifespan by a huge amount by afflicting you with preventable diseases/conditions such as heart disease and diabetes. 'Mericans know what we're talkin' bout, right y'all??

Modern Sumo

Modern sumo has shown a pretty steady decline in interest for both prospective wrestlers and spectators, (as you have probably already figured out by now). Who would have thought that the following list would have resulted in such a trend:

• Huge fat men wrestling (gross).
• Aforementioned fat men wearing "mawashis" (silk diapers), so basically they are 95% naked. (double gross)
• Old, outdated traditions even your great grandparents don't care about anymore.
• Extreme hazing for new members.
• Strictly controlled training by abusive old men running training "stables" that no sane person would endure.
• Blatant corruption by organized crime which is strictly mandatory in the professional realm.
• Unhealthy lifestyle that drastically reduces your life expectancy (and no one cares.)
• Mediocre rewards that are nothing compared to what you might have received had you simply got a real job.
• Lack of basic freedoms like driving and marriage for junior wrestlers.

Basically being a sumo wrestler is like being a knight. It was stupid back in the old days and it's stupid now. Yet it persists each year thanks to people who care little about the reality of sumo, and simply want to watch fat guys wrestle for their entertainment. And who can blame them? When you work your ass off all week long you don't care who gets hurt as long as you get to have fun watching. That’s sports in a nutshell.

But don't just take my word for it. Hop on over to NHK World, watch some fat guys wrestle, laugh your ass off, and feel your stress melt away.

See Also

• Japan - Where Sumo is a national sport.
• Fat - What Sumo wrestlers take pride in.
• Sports - What sumo technically is.

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