James Bond
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Commander Sir James Bond's fictional life has been a fantasy for us all to aspire to living for years now. Famous for shooting Asians who want to destroy the world, instead of control it, when he isn't kicking yellow ass he's molesting women overseas, drag racing against the locals in whichever country he's chosen to terrorize this week, and wasting millions of tax payers money on fancy cars and super watches, as opposed to politicians who spend tax payers money on crack and ladyboys. The most recent Bond actor is Daniel Craig, who is likely the result of Timothy Dalton anally buttfucking Vin Diesel only to be thrown in a pool of hair bleach.
The author, Ian Fleming, based the character on himself but unlike any ordinary Mary Sues he made a fuck load of money, retiring and kicking the bucket as a filthy-rich Jew. Originally a book series, Bond was only popular with old men and hipsters until John F. Kennedy wrote a list of his favourite books. Bellow Dr. Seuss's ABC but above The Birth of a Nation was From Russia with Love, a book in which Bond races against the clock to try and find medication for his STI, before hunting down and killing the Russian hooker who gave him the virus in the first place.
The greedy Jews in Hollywood knew they had to quickly cash in on Bond, and so on a shitty little budget squeezed out Dr. No, a shockingly awful film in which Sean Connery drives in front of some of the least convincing green screen known to man, shouts out his dialogue like a little kid in a school play, and is accompanied by a nigger and a woman, two of his biggest fears. Somehow audiences in the early 60's looked up from snorting asbestos and slapping their wives about and decided the film was decent. From that point onwards, Bond films would only get longer, and stray further from the source material.
The Films
Connery & Lazenby
- Dr. No: After a no-name 00 agent and his secretary are raped by niggers in Nigeria, James Bond flies over to sort the situation out. After beating up his taxi driver for demanding payment, stomping a spider into the ground the same way he stomps all over women, almost dying in the world's least convincing car chase and raping an American chick trying to pretend she's a chink; Bond finally discovers Dr Egg Fried Rice's secret island. Recruiting the Demoman from Overwatch and a local whore from a brothel, Bond kicks Dr Ching Chong to death and blows up his island.
- From Russia with Love: Dr. Blowjob is butthurt about the death of Dr. Ting Ching and unsuccessfully tries to kill Bond by setting up a sex scandal. Bond is too busy banging gypsies and running around the sewers of Istanbul to care. After a week of no pussy however, Bond takes her on a romantic train ride, which goes tits up fast when big Russian men try to destroy our heroic British twinks gun hole. After jumping off at the next platform and 360 no-scoping a helicopter out of the sky, Bond decides a boat ride in Venice is more romantic. The film ends with Bond assaulting her as Italians watch and clap.
- Goldfinger: German Chris-Chan, Autist Jewfinger has spent years investing his money into gold as opposed to sonic toys and lego. After Bond catches him cheating at poker and golf, he takes his tricked-out Aston Martin DB5 to follow Jewfinger and his bodyguard Toss-job, a fat Asian who throws a weaponised fedora. After raping one of his psycho whore stalkers, Bond starts playing dodgems in Jewfingers factories with his car until Toss-job knocks him out and takes him to Jewfinger. Bond escapes having his cock and balls sliced with a laser, followed by sleeping with Pussy Galore, Jewfinger's ace pilot. Galore and her fellow pilots somehow manage not to fuck up flying to Fort Knox, despite being all women. They take out all the security and drop off Jewfinger and Toss-job, who bring in a nuclear bomb with Bond strapped to it. They plan to make all gold nuclear to make Jewfinger's supply more valuable. Bond has enough of this, so he electrocutes Toss-job and kicks Jewfinger's nazi ass to hell, before disarming the bomb and shagging Pussy Galore.
- Thunderball: Holy shit this one is way too long and way too boring. Basically Italian fag with an eyepatch wants to nuke or blow up the world, one of the two. He's going to live under the sea in his submarine with his sexy wife, whore bodyguard, and 10,000 henchmen. Bond finds out and after jet-packing over to the nearest seaside hotel, he finds himself swimming away from sharks, having sex underwater, fighting in the world's slowest ocean battle, harpooning a man to a tree like a badass, before confronting the eyepatch fashion model on his cruise boat and punching him to death while the boat goes at 300 mph.
- You Only Live Twice: Dr. Blowjob, a cat fanatic and possible billionaire, is pissed off that Dr. Ching Chong, Russian Whore and Italian Missile Man have all failed him. Having captured American and Russian spacecraft to make the Cold War even more tense, he plans to nuke the world for the third time from his volcano lair in Japan. Bond heads to Weaboo-land and has a great time being the tallest guy there. It gets better when he finds out women can't resist him, being the only one with chest hair and a cock longer than 2 inches. After pretending to be Asian by squinting his eyes and walking around with the most convincing ladyboy, he finally finds Dr. BJ's base. With an army of ninja's, bond blasts through the roof, guns down all the henchmen, sets the volcano to explode, and almost captures Dr. Blowjob.
- On Her Majesty's Secret Service: Even more insufferable than Thunderball. James hunts down Dr. Blowjob to a Swiss ski lodge, and instead of heading to a Swiss Clinic to escape starring in this shit, he instead wears a kilt and acts like a submissive bitch around whores from around the world. Turns out Blowjob has been hypnotising these women every night to turn them into walking weapons to kill people around the world. Bond steals one of the chicks, steals a sports car, and stars in the world's first boring car chase. After fucking to keep warm in some cabin, Bond and his new girlfriend go to kick Blowjob's ass once and for all, but again fucks up and let's him escape. Bond marries the whore but after realising she will star in one of the worst films of all time, with one of the worst actors of all time, she kills herself and Bond almost cries tears of joy as he's 5 minutes away from his paycheck.
- Diamonds are Forever: An older, fatter, and less enthusiastic Bond finds out Dr. Blowjob has had plastic surgery to change his face. He quickly discovers that Blowjob is now pretending to be a Vegas businessman. After befriending a ginger bitch, Bond first goes to Nigeria to stop Blowjob's diamond smuggling. After kicking black-ass, and almost being killed by two gay hitmen, Bond goes to Vegas, drinks way too much, kills some cops in a car chase, seduces a brunette with huge tits before she get killed; and finally finds Blowjob's oil rig base, which uses diamonds in space to shoot a laser to Earth. Bond kills everyone but Blowjob, saves Ginger Twat who got stolen, and blows up the whole operation. Ginger Twat wants to go on a cruise trip with Bond, and after blowing up the gay hitmen, giving yet another meaning to "smoking a fag", he fucks her under moonlight.
Moore
- Live and Let Die: Although having a shit plot, the film emitted lulz during the 70's for portraying niggers as the sub-human animals that they are. Bestiality is also shown as Moore fucks Rosie Carver with his "Big Ben", effectively pissing off any male nigger who thinks interracial relationships are only found between a nigger and a white bitch. In this adventure, Bond lends his hand in the war against drugs by spying around black neighbourhoods. Eventually after a lengthy (and boring) boat chase, an encounter with surprisingly unthreatening alligators, and a foot race to escape black natives, Bond takes out the weird negro natives on the island where the black drug king is hiding out, and Bond kills the king pin with the power of inflation porn. I wish I was joking.
- The Man with the Golden Gun: At least Christopher Lee (a man who is even more badass than Connery) is in this. Lee plays the world's deadliest assassin, Francisco Scat-manga, a very believable premise. Meanwhile Moore plays James Bond, the world's greatest spy, a very unbelievable premise. Bond finds out that Scat-manga is operating again, using his portable and undetectable Nazi-gold Gun. As Bond chases after the Killer Jew, he is stopped by Scat-manga's tiny Asian bodyguard, the only accurate representation of chinks in this series next to You Only Live Twice. Eventually Bond finds Scat-manga's island base, and after being chased by him in a game of tag with guns, he kills the man in his personal hall of mirrors. He then saves some random blonde hooker and she almost kills him by having her big arse hit one of the buttons that calls upon a laser satellite. They blow the base up, escape on some old wooden ship, and put the tiny chink in a cage, where all Jews and Slants belong.
- The Spy who Loved me: Moore’s only good story. An inbred nerd named Karl Marx, complete with webbed hands and feet, decides he’s going to build his version of Rapture by hijacking missiles from submarines. Both Russia and Britain send in their least competent agents to deal with the job. Russia sends in triple X, a Russian whore who plans to sleep with Marx and defeat him with her extra chromosome, while Britain sends in James Bond, a 49 year old rapist. Bond threatens Triple X with his backhand if she doesn’t help him, and on their way to his underwater base they are confronted with Jaws the henchman with Steel teeth, who refuses to die so the Jews in Hollywood could make bank off his action figures. One submarine Lotus Espirit later, Bond with help of the Russian hooker and the British Navy, blows up Karl’s undersea base, and shares the means of production of his penis equally, squirting all over Triple Y’s face, and suffocating Karl in salty sea water and cum.
- Moonraker: A god-awful follow up to the last film. It literally has the exact same plot and henchman Jaws, except it's in space and what ever worked for the last film failed utterly here.
- For Your Eyes Only: Bond heads to Greece to stop commie Greeks from hijacking a sub code. Half decent, considering the last film was garbage.
- Octopussy: Okay, you know this film sucks when there's a slang term for Vagoo in the title. Boring, the only fun part is the insane, shouting guy who wants to blow up Germany.
- A View to a Kill: Christopher Walken(who looks like Geert Wilders in this movie)!!!!!1!!!ONE!!! Unfortunately the film wastes his talent as Bond was a pedophile (Seriously, Moore was older than the Bond Girl's mother).
Dalton
- The Living Daylights: Bond shoots the gun of a girl who couldn't aim for shit and heads to Afghanistan to aid the Mujhadeen
- Licence to Kill: Went up against Indiana Jones and Batman. And lost. This caused mass copyright faggotry to ensue. It doesn't matter though, as Dalton's Bond did the ultimate badassery and went for the high score in Bond history without even becoming an hero.
Brosnan
- Goldeneye: Awesome. Good Bond girl, a personal villain and great score made it...oh for fuck's sake look this up on Wikipedia!
- Tomorrow Never Dies: Pretty fuckin' generic but with a foreshadowing character: the villain was none other than Steve Jobs. Oh, and the tall retard from the Downfall film also appears in there.
- The World is not Enough: Bad acting and generic plot ruined this one. I still fap to Sophie Marceau, though.
- Die Another Day: So much explosions you'd mistake this for a Michael Bay movie. John Cleese is revealed to be an unfunny faggot. Why couldn't they hire Tim Curry as "Q"?
Craig
- Casino Royale: Daniel Craig and David Niven vie for the affections of Mr. Bean while a faggy french guy blew a nigger's money and Bond gets his balls literally smacked by him.
- Quantum of Solace: Confusing plot. Also, the plot was shit thanks to the Writer's Guild strike, which forced Daniel Craig and Marc Forster to write most of the script. It's the most violent film in the series though, which is cool.
- Skyfall: M dies and is replaced by Lord Voldemort. What else is there to say?
- Spectre: What everyone thought would be Daniel Craig's last movie... wasn't. Also, M is now a black woman.
- No Time To Die: Bond's French hooker almost has him killed so after dumping her back on the streets where he found her and retiring from being an agent, he returns 5 years later when he finds out his 007 license has been given to a black chick. After winning the title back by beating her at swimming and driving, her two biggest weaknesses, he goes to stop a chink who's released hitler-covid, a virus that kills specific ethnicities. The problem gets worse when Bond finds out the French whore gave birth to their bastard child, and now both are being held hostage on the chink's private island. Bond kills the asian, frees his family, tells the nigger spy that she's inferior to him genetically and professionally, before sacrificing himself on the island by nuking it to hell.
The James Bonds
Sean Connery - Quite possibly The greatest man on the face of the earth. He has sex with every women who's ever been in any of his 7 films. Why? Cause he's just that fucking cool. He is mostly everyone's favorite along with the films Dr. No and Goldfinger ("DA BESTEST BOND FILMS EVAR" -Roger Ebert).
George Lazenby - This man is a major disgrace to 007. He wasn't even an actor either. The director was all "You wanna be Bond?" And Lazenby says "Great! I'll go grab my stuff!" So anyways, he had one film called "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" and it was horrid. Bond wears an Ascot and Kilt in the mountains and gets married for teh lulz. Spoiler: Bonds wife gets shot by Dr. Evil at the end of the movie.
Roger Moore - Tied with Sean in number of Bond films. The Spy Who Loved Me and For Your Eyes Only are regarded as the only watchable ones considering Live and Let Die is filled with drug references and the rest are filled with major faggotry and unpunny jokes (Get it? lololololol).
Timothy Dalton - An OK 007 except that after only two movies, MGM forgot the rights to Bond and some kangaroos got hold of them and hopped back to Australia with them. The Russians got them back for MGM and the Cold War ended right then and there. The best part about him is that in just two movies he killed more people than the other 5 Bonds combined.
Pierce Brosnan - Better than the others (Except Sean Connery of course), made some good movies like Goldeneye and Tomorrow Never Dies but the rest are shit. Pierce Brosnan's first Bond movie was Goldfinger, which made his dick hard as a potato and encouraged him to shove his potatodick inside beautiful women. Also famous for the phrase "Shaken, not stirred".
Daniel Craig - Most recent 007. Pretty cool but he's not Sean Connery, but then again there is only one Sean Connery.
The Gadgets
- The BangBus. Bond cruises the streets look for dumb jailbait to fulfill his beastly public school boy sex on camera.
- The Umbrella. First hint of rain, and Bond whips out something that looks like an ordinary sword stick but which, at the press of a button, forms a miniature canvas roof.
- Rollerskates
Kevin McClory and the Thunderball faggotry
Thunderball is a 1961 book and a 1965 film starring Sean Connery. One of the writers for the screenplay, Kevin McClory, was quite possibly the biggest Jew on the face of the earth. Since he thought himself one of the main writers for Thunderball, he thought the entire fucking bond franchise belonged to him. It got to the point where he was suing people for even thinking about Thunderball. This fucked over EON productions, the guys that made all the Bond films, as they slowly lost the rights to shit like Blofeld and Spectre.
18 years after the original Thunderball movie, McClory decided that the classic starring Sean Connery wasn't good enough and he made his own fucking movie called Never Say Never Again, which also had Connery so what's was the fucking point? In the 90s McClory threatened to remake Thunderball for a THIRD FUCKING TIME. This time however the plug was pulled before major faggotry could ensue. Imagine making one fucking script you didn't even make on your own your whole life and career, jesus christ.
When the greedy jew died and people eventually stopped celebrating at his funeral, the rights for Thunderball went up in the air. MGM and Sony tried to win the rights over a game of cricket. Since no one knows how to play cricket, the rights didn't belong to anyone untill MGM finally just said "FUCK IT" and claimed they had the rights, giving them back to EON.
Other James Bond Characters
M: James' boss who gives him orders. M always claims "You can't do this assignment, James" and then Bond says "I had sex with your mother" and M sits down and says "Good day, Bond". From Goldeneye 007 forward M is a woman which makes James whipped to a certain degree, until she dies from a little scratch from her mortal enemy, the gays. She is replaced with Lord Voldermort, who is either Bond's biggest fan in the whole wide world, or hates his guts and wish he'd an hero himself.
Q: Old fart that gives James all his gadgets. Also the gadgets are nothing that can ever be used again, it's always some stupid shit that's used for one three minute scene and never mentioned again. Gets replaced by a hipster faggot in Skyfall, who is later made gay in the same film where Bond kills himself, definitely not a coincidence.
Miss Moneypenny: Bond's bottom bitch and M's secretary. She secretly wants Bond's cock and is constantly asking for it, until Skyfall where she becomes a black whore, at which point Bond knows she wants it at all times of the day.
The "Bond Girl": A slut who Bond fucks over 9000 times a movie. Her name usually consists of a non-subtle combination of genitals or a sex move. Examples being Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, and Holly Goodhead. Bond girls can be white, black, brown, smart or stupid, but they'll always be boring.
The Villain: Some retarded prick bent on world domination. Their plot usually involves some sort of henchman who does insane batshit to kill Bond like throwing their hat, using a saw-blade yo-yo, and metal teeth. The villain's ultimate demise comes when he talks about why his plan was perfect and how bond fucked everything up, and then Bond grows tired of the monologue and kills him, usually in an unrealistic and retarded manner.
The real James Bond
1939: Sir Joseph Madeupname ("M" in the Bond novels) devises a plan to rid Britain of upper class homosexuals and the Nazis in one fell swoop. He founds SOS - the Special Overseas Service - and using the enticement of a free blowjob and an enamel badge saying "I licked the Nazis", rounds up all the communist poofs in Oxbridge University and sends them to the country to be roughed up by beefy Marines.
1940: "M" gathers up all the train and plane spotters in the UK and drops them into Nazi-occupied France to "report back on troop movements" thus ridding the UK of that particular sort of weirdo for at least two decades.
1941: British spies sneak into Luftwaffe Headquarters and write "London" over the city of Coventry on the giant wall map in indelible orange crayon, thus diverting the German bombers away from important rich people.
1942: Alan Turing, in between bouts of bumming and being emo, cracks the infamous Nazi Letter Substitution Code.
1943: British spies sneak into Tokyo Imperial High Command and using Letraset (British Empire Wog Typeface Number 23 "Kanji") re-label Pearl Harbour, Hawaii as "Singapore" on all the maps, thereby allowing the British troops in the real Singapore to surrender without a fight.
1944: British intelligence dress a dead sheep in the uniform of a British officer named Brigader-General Joseph Madeupname (DDT, BAA) and float him into Rotterdam harbour. In "his" coat is a letter to "his" Welsh lover that reads "Dear Dyfed, We will be invading Germany through Finland or possibly Albania but definitely not Normandy. Yours for eternity, Fluffy."
1945: Polish patriots under the direction of the Special Overseas Service ride a bicycle very fast towards Amon Goeth, OberJewlighter of Upper Szczebrzeszyn in an assassination attempt. When he hears the news Goeth put his eye out with an overly dramatic Nazi facepalm.
1966: England defeats Germany in the Football World Cup putting an end to the Nazi scourge for at least four years.
See Also
- Archer
- Leave Bond to me
- Goldeneye 007
- Sean Connery
- Sir Billi
- Austin Powers
- Our Man Flint
- The Black Book
- Spooks
- Danger Mouse
- The Secret Show
- Burn Notice
- Jamezbond
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