Warhammer 40,000
Warhammer 40,000 (aka Alt-Right Propaganda: Tabletop Game Edition) is what you see when you imagine what your teenage years would have been like without ED, friends, or 4chan. A player could spend upwards of $600 of their parent's money on pieces and playing areas, all for the satisfaction of beating people who spent slightly less of their parent's money on their respective set of plastic toys.
40K players flock to events and conventions, usually taking place in hobby stores, video game shops, and other various nerd hangouts, and are usually well run and completely free of douchebags and faggotry. Player-run meetups, however, resemble taking the school bus back in high school: a bunch of obnoxious fuckwits crammed into an uncomfortable space calling each other fags while a short, stubby person tries to get them to shut the hell up and sit down. The game has also spawned two boring PC games in which you get totally raped by the A.I. because you didn't buy the 16th upgrade to your second series infantry 45 minutes ago. 40k fans are constantly getting into flamewars with Starcraft 2 fans OTI, despite the fact that the two games play almost exactly the same.
TL;DR: Remember the time you were at your favorite toy store and there was a 9001% rise in the neckbeard population around two tables covered in overpriced pieces of injection-molded plastic of +3 virginity and despair? That's Warhammer.
INTRO
It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries The EMPEROR has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the Master of Mankind by the will of the gods, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible armies. He is a rotting carcass writhing invisibly with power from the Dark Age of Technology. He is the Carrion Lord of the Imperium for whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, so that he may never truly die.
Yet even in his deathless state, the Emperor continues his eternal vigilance. Mighty battlefleets cross the daemon-infested miasma of the Warp, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the Astronomican, the psychic manifestation of the Emperor's will. Vast armies give battle in his name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst his soldiers are the Adeptus Astartes, the Space Marines, bio-engineered super-warriors. Their comrades in arms are legion: the Imperial Guard and countless planetary defence forces, the ever vigilant Inquisition and the tech-priests of the Adeptus Mechanicus to name only a few. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from aliens, Heretics, mutants - and worse.
To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR. There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.
Background
Over the countless years of its existence the WH40K franchise has a large coherent and extended fictional universe. That is to say: a clusterfuck of Pseudo-Scientific explanations and futuristic-sounding religious stories. Unsurprisingly, diehard nerds and Juvenile fanboys alike swear by its expansive and mature scope. No doubt, in an attempt justify the fact that they are grown men playing with overpriced army men.
Origins
Tens of thousands of years prior to the rise of man, the Eldar, an advanced race of aliens, who despite evolving millions of years earlier on a different planet, look exactly like humans with pointy ears. Yes, essentially Space-elves. Anyways, they were already sailing through the stars aboard advanced starships, and due to how special, elite and mind-powerful they were, eventually started to go insane and gang-raping and bukkaked each-other, which eventually caused the fabric of the universe to shatter, the vast majority of the Gods of the Eldar to all die, the vast majority of the race to perish, and one of the Gods of Chaos, Slaanesh, was born in the hole in the fabric of the universe. Thank god it doesn't work that way IRL.
The Warp (known by non-Warhammer fans who are still basement-dwellers as hyperspace 2: Electric Boogaloo)
Star Trek, Star Wars, and basically every other science fiction series uses hyperspace. 40K, however, uses the Warp, which is the gay pink-purple alternate-reality that explains both interstellar travel and why there are ugly demons running around in sci-fi land. Comparing the two, hyperspace is like DSL, while the Warp is like trying to connect to the internetz on dial-up with a frayed wire in the small town of Atalaxupalpatinowahasibixo, Mexico.
Technology
We would like to point out that the technological line makes absolutely no fucking sense. For some reason the most powerful troops in the game still use guns that fire bullets 40,000 years in the future instead of using lasers to win the universe. In fact the guns they use were the kind declared useless back in the 60's, that for some reason the American military still uses (see below). And just for shits and giggles, the Imperium decided it would be a good idea to make some of their space ships run on diesel engines. And why is this? Because god told them to.
The Internets and 40K
In recent years, 40K has achieved a significant presence in internet nerdom. It has long been a staple of certain 4chan boards, sci-fi forums, and Otaku congregations. Originally only the most pathetic nerds with rich parents could afford to buy little metal-or-plastic figures, and the most obsessive could find time to paint and decorate them.
Then along came Video games, which allowed even unemployed trailer-trash and dirt-poor basement-dwellers to lead around space marine chapters or Ork clans, and talk with other nerds about how k00l their favorite army is and how the Blood Ravens could totally beat the Ultramarines. It also allows one to discuss these fascinating things without buying an army, inducing rage in people who've spent billions of dollars on their little plastic shit.
And then Warhammer exploded all over the Net when one of the characters, the God-Emperor of Mankind, was proven to be ACTUALLY FUCKING REAL. It quickly became transformed from an obscure tabletop game into Alt-Right Propaganda and there's even an app on Chrome replacing "Donald Trump" with "God-Emperor of Mankind." Then again, this is the game which encourages you to "Kill the Mutant, Burn the Heretic and Purge the Unclean" so why not?
The Factions
Each 40K faction also represents a nerd subtype. You can tell which faction a player is using by the varying degrees of anti-social displayed by the plastic pieces.
Space Marines
—Legendary actor, John Hurt, inadvertantly trolling players of every other army in the game. | ||
As soon as he heard one of his comrades scream “SQUAD BROKEN!", Eduardo the Space Marine knew that he was doomed. He charged forth in a panic, firing his plasma gun wildly into the air. Somehow the orks had surrounded them! Eduardo’s teammates ran shrieking into the depths of the abandoned tanker, the grunting lustful orks in swift pursuit. Soon Eduardo was alone.
The brawny Space Marine collapsed against a wall, panting raggedly. His plasma gun had nearly overheated, and his com units were malfunctioning. No use even if they worked. By now, his whole squad was surely dead.
Lost in his thoughts, Eduardo did not hear the ork creeping up on him. Stunned by a blow to the head, Eduardo was thrown violently to the floor. The ork grunted in amusement, bending down and straddling his body. Dazed, Eduardo turned his head to look up at his enemy. The ork fellow was huge, well muscled and even attractive for his species. Right now the ork’s vibrant green skin was flushing dark in arousal. Eduardo whimpered as he realized what was about to happen.
Summoning up his powers as a Blood Angel, Eduardo bellowed in the Black Rage and began to flail about under the ork. The ork simply grunting, riding the panicked Space Marine like a rodeo bull. Already weakened, Eduardo simply did not have the strength to dislodge the much heavier ork.
All that thrashing around served to arouse the ork further. His name was Gurk, and the friction as the puny Marine flopped around between his muscular thighs was giving him quite a respectable hard-on. Gurk had meant to save the Marine for his own squad, but he couldn’t wait any longer. Whipping out his own plasma gun, Gurk seared off the back of the Marine’s armor, leaving his shining buttocks bare to the ork’s lustful gaze.
Eduardo moaned in fear, his virgin asscheeks clapping firmly together to deny the ork entrance. Gurk simply laughed, ripping off his crude orkish loincloth to reveal a thick green meat pole, nearly 12 inches long. The ork stuck one calloused finger down his throat, bringing up a thick vomit slurry which spattered down into the crack of Eduardo’s ass. Smearing the foul vomit around with one brutish paw, Gurk prepared the Space Marine’s tender anus for playtime.
Much to Gurk’s frustration, his cock was simply too large to fit inside Eduardo’s tight man cunt. He grunted furiously, screaming “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" in his deep orkish voice as he battered his fuckmeat against Eduardo’s tightly sealed pleasure ring. Suddenly the Space Marine’s portal gave way, and the swollen head of Gurk’s cock popped through into the forbidden halls of his anus. Gurk’s pleased snort was drowned out by Eduardo’s scream of agony.
The ork began to pump away in earnest, his bulging muscular hips and thighs slamming brutally against Eduardo’s ass. His heavy, furry balls slapped against the human’s ass merrily, creating a calypso that pleased Gurk mightily. Blood, a thin smear of feces, and Gurk’s own oily yellow pre-cum lubricated Eduardo’s asshole until it was as hot and slippery as Gurk’s own mother’s cunt.
Poor Eduardo was swiftly going into shock from the pain. His mind growing dim, he screamed “SQUAD BROKEN! SQUAD BROKEN!" over and over as the ork thrust brutally into his bruised insides. The ork’s massive cock had caused a large degree of internal damage, and Eduardo was close to passing out from blood loss and fear. If his squad didn’t find him soon, Eduardo knew that he would soon die. His poor plasma gun discharged into the floor one final time, overheating from a mix of pleasure and agonizing pain.
The Space Marine had been a good fuck for Gurk, but he needed something special to truly finish. Gurk’s heavy balls drew up close to his body, and he felt himself tensing, about to cum. As Gurk’s thick semen roiled up out of his cock and into Eduardo’s battered body, the ork slammed his powerful hands shut around the Marine’s neck. With a vicious jerk up and back, the ork crushed the Marine’s windpipe and vertebrae, swiftly ending his life. Eduardo’s anus clamped shut around Gurk’s cock, the painful tightness almost causing the ork to pass out.
Gurk roared out as he climaxed in the dead Marine, his beautiful green cock pumping load after load of thick ork jizzum into Eduardo’s lower intestine. The ork pulled out as Eduardo’s anus slowly relaxed, releasing Gurk’s cock with a wet sucking sound. Gurk used the sleeve of the Marine’s uniform to wipe the thick scum of blood, shit and cum from his swiftly withering ork meat. With a satisfied grunt, Gurk walked slowly away from the Marine.
Eduardo’s corpse lay cooling on the floor of the tanker, the charred remnants of his uniform stained dark with the foul fluids of both the ork and himself.
Chaos
At least 100 years ago, but not as many 100 years as the Imperium of Man, Horus, the son of the GEoM, decided that he liked furries and dwelling in Connecticut. After the emperor kicked his ass (because it's totally a great idea to go against someone called the "God Emperor of Mankind") the hordes of Chaos fled back into the Warp, where they periodically come out in the form of Lovecraftian Eldritch abominations, utilizing pale, black clad former space marines, mutants, and various whatthefuckdaemons to accomplish their ends. The Hordes of Chaos are divided by the gods which they serve.
Every Chaos player is a Liberal who faps to My Little Pony. Every one.
- Chaos Undivided - These cop-outs can't decide who to serve, and try to be cool and say "I serve everyone!" Which ignores the fact "Chaos Undivided" is an oxymoron.
- Khorne - The Chaos god of war. He drinks a lot of blood and has a sick fetish with it. He now suffers from AIDS. Khorne players are all macho Conan wannabes who clearly haven't looked at their excuses for arms in a long time. Half of them probably couldn't even lift a real axe, and so have pathetic 1mm plastic axes instead.
- Nurgle - One word for every follower of the god of disease and death: sickfuck. The marines of Nurgle are walking around with their intestines spilling out, and apparently this is appealing to players. Despite being the god of all things horrid, Nurgle treats every last one of his followers like his children.
- Tzeentch - The Chaos Lord of Change. That's right, folks, when you thought it was a good idea to vote for the black guy, you were worshiping Tzeentch.
- Slaanesh - This is a long time favorite, the god of
pleasureRule 34. All of his units look like penises. Slaanesh's power is not confined merely to sexual gratifications, included here also is pain, suffering, drugs and all other extreme sensations. While sex, pleasure and all things hendoistic is included in the culture of Slaaneshi followers, they may also pursue more grotesque pleasures and feelings like self-mutilation, self-immolation, heavy metal or anything related to the previous fields.
Miku falls to the pestilences of Nurgle
Daemonhunters
The Inquisition: everyone's fucking guilty. They can't quite spell simple 5 letter words like "demon", but hey, whatever, who needs spelling when you have the firepower the Inquisition is packing? Currently under the watchful eye of their supreme commander, Chris Hansen, Daemonhunters stand head and shoulders above everyone else in the world of 40K, mainly because they've probably just chopped off some knees.
Daemonhunters have a right duty to kill, slaughter, maim, and deep fry the innocent citizens of the Imperium in their ongoing efforts to purify the taint of Chaos infiltration. When a planet has been overrun with heretics, xenos, mutants and other inhuman scum, and the Inquisition is unable to contain it in the planet, they resort to the lovable "Exterminatus" which consists of either nuking the entire planets surface, destabilizing the planets core and making it explode, or turning everything on the planets surface to sludge using a virus bomb.
The Inquisition also has its own personal Space Marines. Except whenever they go into battle they are perfectly liable, if not guaranteed to shoot anybody that may or may not have seen them just to keep their existence a secret. Such as fighting alongside the Imperial Guard/Cannon Fodder and then summarily executing the entire planets Army for the fuck of it. They will also slaughter innocent people just to dowse themselves with their blood to "prevent corruption", even though they are naturally immune to it anyways. But who gives a shit since nobody seems to know they exist, or at least openly says so or else they would be violently raped by chainsaw-swords. Even the leaders of the other Space Marines don't mention them in fear of raep.
Like IRL special authorities, they have way to much legal power and usually use it to make the lives of citizens miserable while ignoring real criminals.
Eldar
If you thought regular elves in traditional fantasy genres were bad, you clearly haven't seen space elves. The Eldar think themselves superior to all other lesser races despite the fact that they are responsible for fucking up the universe for everyone else. Will happily eradicate entire black person worlds just to save a handful of Eldar. The reason they fucked the universe up in the first place (they get half the blame, the other half goes to the old ones) is because the ancient Eldar Empire was so debased and hedonistic that they literally murderfucked Slaneesh, the chaos god of excess, debauchery, indulgence and generally being a sick motherfucker into existence. The most traumatic C-section the galaxy had ever seen created the giant warp rift called the eye of terror, killed most of the Eldar gods, as well as 90% of their race, and motivated the other chaos gods, Ragey, Schemey, and Rotty to get off their divine (or possibly infernal) asses and start doing shit in the material realm, summoning armies of daemons and silently converting thousands of mortals to their thrall. Whoopsie.
Now called the Aeldari cuz Games Workshop.
Eldar Craftworlds
Elfdar live on giant, slower than light trading colony ships called craftworlds, which travel through space trying to avoid getting killed by everyone who hates their guts (pretty much every other race in the galaxy) The craftworlds that games workshit has commited to paper are as follows:
- Alaitoc - The least fun of all the craftworlds. Really generic and serious.
- Biel-Tan - Was the craftworld most commited to rebuilding the old eldar empire. Currently fucked due to the eldar god of the dead, Ynnead accidentally the entire craftworld when he was born.
- Lyanden - Used to be the most heavily populated and militarily powerful craftworld. However after getting OM NOM NOM'd by the tyranids AND invaded by a chapter of space marines there's barely any space elfs left alive and as such they have to field a lot of wraith units to defend themselves
- Ulthwe - Was like 5 feet from the eye of terror when Slaneesh was born. As a result tends to get invaded by slaneeshi daemonettes every sunday.
- The Black Library - The secret craftworld that stays in the eldar webway. (the eldar's private network of FTL warp tunnels) Home of all the Eldar's knowledge of chaos, as well as being Cegorach, the laughing god and his harlequins pimp pad
Eldar Military Strategy
The Elfves perfer to use nimble specialized troops called "aspect warriors" and fast skimmer vehicles.
- Guardians - Eldar guardsmen. Not an aspect warrior path, just random civies called upon to defend their craftworld. Unlike guardsmen however they aren't considered extremely disposable due the the Elder's massive ego and USI
- Dire Avengers - Unspecialized all-rounders obsessed with playing the hero. So uninteresting Relic forgot about them when making dawn of war
- Howling Banshees - Insane chicks (and fags) who run at the enemy screaming and swinging their blades. Commonly lusted after by neckbeards due to their "form-fitting" armor
- Dark Reapers - Edgy Bastards who wear skull masks and snipe the enemy from afar. They all act talk the protagonist of Hatred
- Warp Spiders - Idiots who think that jumping into the warp when a god of hedonism who lusts for your soul lives there is a good idea in any definition of the word. Unsurprisingly tends to get killed or replaced by daemonettes when they come out of the warp fairly often.
- Fire Dragoons - These guys are almost as obsessed with burning shit down as the sisters of battle are. They use insanely powerful microwave guns capable of tearing through tanks like tin cans
- Warlocks - Eldar Comissars. Responsible for keeping guardians from retreating through psychic emotion inhibiting rather than the threat (and application) of summary execution. Also they have psychic powers.
- Seer Council - Farseer bodyguards. Also psychically inclined
- Farseer - Top dawgs of the eldar and the closest they have to organized leaders. Possess psychic powers only second to the emprah himself
- Falcon Grav Tank - A hybrid between main battle tank and apc. Armed with shuriken launchers
- Fire Prism - A falcon that replaces the shiruken launchers with an upscaled fire dragoon microwave gun. Eats baneblades for breakfast
- Wraithlord - The soul of a dead eldar warrior coaxed into a wrath bone body and sent to slap shit. Sorta like a space marine dreadnaught
Dark Eldar
The Dark Eldar were originally Eldar, but after the Fall of the Eldar decided that hey, orgies are fun, lets keep it up and add in masochist tendencies, sex slaves, and fetish shit! The Eldar are pointy eared douches, but the Dark Eldar are pointy headed fuckers. The Dark Eldar are what you get if the angsty Faggoth Emos made their own army, and presumably that is what these things were intended for. They torture prisoners to death, wear black spiky clothes, use beaten slaves to do their bidding, and generally act the same way emos wish they could act IRL.
One of the Dark Eldar vehicles scoops up people, then is fueled by their torture.
Whoever wrote up the Dark Eldar is a sick fuck.
Renowned for having land vehicles made of wet cardboard.
It should also be noted, that they are one of the hardest to play races on the table top. Effectivly wasting 200$ for a half decent 1000 point army.
Whoever plays the Dark Eldar is a sick Otaku Furry Fag who's more than likely had a run-in with Chris Hansen before. They are also obviously lolicons, into animal pr0n, and basically sick and decadent in every way. They should be ignored, reviled, and reported to the proper authorities immediately.
40K being a transparent ripoff of D&D, the "dark eldar" are simply Forgotten Realms drow. Hence the kinky sex, which is what drow are all about. If it turns out that the "dark eldar" are matriarchal and have a thing for spider motifs ...
Necrons
Not to be confused with neocons, the Necrons were an old people that ran into some fairly nasty gods way out in space. The gods promised the living Necron race immortality and fun times if they'd sacrifice their bodies to the gods to be replaced with metallic-y goodness. So the Necrons were all eaten by the gods and turned into brainless terminators. The Necrons are now scattered around the galaxy in stasis chambers, awaiting the order to reawaken and star in Terminator 10. Arnold Schwarzenegger, current governor of Cahlifoernia, is a Necron. They'll beh bahck.
Please note that Necrons offer very little variety in units; but it's okay since they pwn everything,that is till the latest rulebook came out and nerfed them. Opening any Warhammer forum will find at least 60 threads bitching about this.
Tyranids
The Tyranids are 40K's rendition of the Zerg, well actually Starcraft copied from 40k, which copied H.R. Giger's Xenomorphs, which all copied from Starship Troopers. They sail through space in massive hive fleets, devouring all life in their path and absorbing it into their culture, leaving behind empty, airless rocks where habitable planets once were. Everybody (and by that we mean Gooks) want Tyranids in Dawn of War 2 because then Asians can play Dawn of War just like they play Starcraft. Tyranid players are all zergling rush fags online. Too bad Tyranids are retarded bipolar fucknuts who can't go five feet away from a smarter Tyranid because they can't fucking wipe their own ass without a helping hand.
Tyranids in the tabletop game on the other hand are another matter entirely. The basic infantry unit (Vortigaunt), is cheaper than most of other races, but still can fuck your shit up good. They doesn't even have digestive systems - they are created, sent into battle for a few hours of frenzied combat, and then recycled. Also when they die you roll a dice and they can respawn. To make matters worse, their heavy units are also just as cheap, so just picture a Zerg rush coupled with a whole fucking battalion of living, breathing, shitting tanks and you can probably guess that you're fucked.
Orks
The Orks are the greenest niggers that don't know how to do anything except for fight. They are, as a rule comic relief degenerates who can't even speak correctly and are a waste of society's resources. Much like niggers they spend alot of their time pimping their rides, fighting each other and shooting every thing else.
It should be noted that, unlike all the other races in Warhammer, the Orks don't take life seriously. They fight because they want to have fun. Truly, internet dwellers and Orks are just brothers from different mothers. Similarly, there are no ork females, just like online! They reproduce via fungus spores. Thankfully, those who play them cannot, and thus will never contaminate the genepool.
Because the writers of the fluff for Warhammer are retarded, they actually made an extremely convoluted explanation for why the average ork's technology works. It works because they believe it works! Instead of having psykers like everyone else, the orks have a psychic field that makes all of their looted, broken and cobbled together tech work.
Witch Hunters
On the other end of the sickfuck spectrum from the Dark Eldar, lie the dominatrix legions of the Witch Hunters. Normal Inquisitors are lame. Angry white haired, well endowed ladies in red and black latex are toting guns and here for your soul. The female branch of the Inquisition demonstrates that A.) Women are clearly inferior to Men, as seen by differences in armour and weapons skill and B.) Gunslinger chicks can be sort of hawt, if you're into pewter pr0n. The fluff states that they don't have to be celibate.
Players who field the Battle Sisters come in two forms:
- Horny 13-year-olds who fantasize about being dominated by women - enough said.
- Feminists - They enjoy the smell of man-flesh burning in the fires of hand-held promethium in the morning. Sick bastards.
On the flip side, the Sisters hate furries and other niggers with a passion and want to burn anything and everything that isn't human - an admirable goal.
Tau
The Tau are what you would get if the Chinks were blue space communists, and were as high tech as they pretend to be. They were probably designed so that Anime-worshiping Otaku could have their own special species, as shown by the fact Tau all use giant battle-suits in order to look high-tech. The Tau are the only WH40k species that have realized that IRL guns beat swords and so make the most badass guns possible and hope that the bayonet-toting cannon-fodder don't get too close.
- Fire Warriors - These are the blue, hairless furries that carry around the best ranged weaponry in the 40K universe. Games involving these are easily decided; if there is a blank table, Tau win. If there is ANY cover at all, Tau lose. This means that Tau games usually involve 15 minutes of actual gaming after arguing for 2 hours about the placement of trees on the board.
- Kroot - These featherless birdmen things are there to save the asses of the Tau when it comes to close combat. Eat the corpses of their enemies. Troops come naked with spears and knives. Anybody who plays Kroot excessively or as their own army is without exception a closet cannibal.
- Vespids - Big blue bugs. Presumably they represent the Japanese, since they are both creepy, impossible to understand, and serve the Chinks.
- Human Allies - The WH40K version of weebs. They are composed of Imperial traitors that believe the Tau are friends of humanity. They are armed with the shittiest weapons in the game and die very quickly, just like how real weeabs would pick a katana over a gun and suffer the consequences of their choice.
Imperial Guard
Throughout the majority of human history, any military unit labeled "imperial" or "guard" has generally been of superior quality and capable of dishing out the pwn on everyone else. In the fagged up universe of 40K, the profusion of furry monsters, man eating eurocunts and random killing machines render the best that humanity has to offer mere cannon fodder. The Imperial Guard of Man is devoted to the emperor and proud of losing billions of men from a million worlds each day in defense of the Imperium. The Communists just wish they could lose this many men in battle.
IG fare in the 40K universe is pretty standard. Each trooper is issued several things and told to go off to war.
- Lasgun - Your basic laser blaster thingamajig. It sucks so much that players affectionately refer to it as the "flashlight".
- Bayonet - 12 inches of good fine steel vs. lightsabers, zerg, power axes, tanks....
- Flak Jacket - Outdated since 1944.
- Autogun - Space AK-47. That's it. For some reason the Imperial Gaurd doesn't deploy their troops into battle with these, even though they are better than the lasguns in every way. Forget the fact that they fire hot lead really fast instead of shooting fucking lasers, the autogun is still better somehow. Found only in the books and in about two games.
Despite having the shittiest of gear, the Imperium of Man is STILL the most powerful faction in 40K. This is because it can actually afford to lose billions of people each day as chump change.
In addition to the soldiers, there are several supporting departments and cool vehicles in the IG.
- The Ecclesiarchy - Supplies priests armed with two handed chainsaws capable of cutting tanks in half. Yeah. Holy shit indeed.
- The Commissariat - The most badass communists you ever saw. Ever.
- Military Auxiliary - Supplies a range of mutant abhumans among which are Ratlings, which are Hobbits ported over from LotR given Sniper rifles, and (I am not kidding) Giants with Down Syndrome known as Ogryns which are used to club shit in front of them to death.
- Chimera - Imperial guard armored personnel carrier, has a twin barreled laser cannon and room for 12 dudes, not interesting enough to dwell on
- Hellhound - Someone took a chimera but replaced the laser cannon with a flamethrower and the troop bay with massive kegs of space napalm, as well as gluing on more armor. The guys who crew these things tend to be a tad fucking nuts
- Taurox - An APC not as widely used as the chimera and with good reason. It's impractical, weak, and fucking ugly, seriously, look at it
- Basilisk - A Self Propelled Gun that allows the guard to bomb fortified positions without owing those imperial navy fuckwits a favor
- Leman Russ - Not to be confused with the lord furfag of the Space Yiffs, the lemon russ main battle tank is a mashup of world war 2 and post war tanks. Somehow the second best tank in the whole game (the first being the baneblade) that orks and genestealers love to steal
- Baneblade - killdozer crewed by hackers on steroids. Supports 11 heavy weapons to systematically rape anyone in front of them. Are totally not compensating for anything.
The Imperial Guard, similarly to the space marines is divided into regiments, with each being pretty different and unique so games workshop being games worshop everything besides Cadian and Death Korps is either expensive as hell or unobtainable.
- Cadian shock troops - Your garden variety guardsman. These guys are on the shitty world of Cadia which is 5 feet from the collective seizure known as the eye of terror. Commanded by the most badass motherfucker second only to The Emperor himself, Usakar Creed. Who's tactical genius allows him to infiltrate any unit onto the battlefield. Which means you can plonk a Baneblade or Warhound Titan behind your enemies' main attack force and watch them flip the table in anger
- Death Korps of Krieg - Space Germans, right down to having massive amounts of guilt for the sins of their ancestors. Massively suicidal fucks whose comissars have to talk their commanding officers out of doing stupidly suicidal charges against gun emplacements instead of shooting soldiers for fleeing. Secretly all clones, but their gas masks keep everyone else from knowing.
- Praetorian Guard - Colonial era Brits IN SPAAAACE! Known for wrecking huge numbers of Orks on their home planet
- Catachan Jungle Fighters - An entire army of Rambos whose manly pecs give them the equivalent of space marine armor. Their homeworld is Catachan, a hellish jungle where literally everything is trying to kill you, so the guys who survive long enough to get recruited into the guard are some of the toughest, most badass motherfuckers in the Imperium. Comissars who get assigned to the Jungle Fighters tend to dissapear or be found dead suspiciously far from the front lines.
- Armageddon Steel Legion - World War II era Space Germans who, unlike the death korps aren't massively guilty. These guys like to field a shit ton of tanks and artillery, as the name would suggest. Currently defending their homeworld Armageddon from massive waves of orks. Who are coming because it's actually Ullanor, the orkish ancestral homeworld. Spoiler alert, by the way
The Imperial Guard supports genocide of all non-humans, and is willing to send YOU into battle to accomplish this. If you don't like that, the local Commissar will motivate you to do it anyway. Generally played by people who wish they could be hardcore communists, while forgetting the fact that you don't get any money to buy shitty plastic figurines in a communist system, or, in the specific case of Death Korps of Krieg because you're either German or a closet fascist (but probably both). Seriously, it even says that the Death Korps was designed after WWII's Wehrmacht on the wiki page[1] (look at the bottom of the page, under 'Trivia').
Warhammer fantasy
When you mention "Warhammer" to elder neckbeards and /tg/ they'll often ask you "which one?" This is because there are two warhammers, one lost to the annals of history. That Warhammer was Warhammer Fantasy Battle A wargame from a bygone age that nobody plays these days. It is the source of inspiration for many things in 40k, as well as the fantasy genre in general. God knows why, because pretty much everything it did it ripped off from something else (it's only unique concept was orcs having green skin, which hadn't been done before then.) 40k gets the chaos and elf gods from fantasy, as well as the magic god-king Sigmar (no relation to Sigma) who would be the precursor for the Emprah. Warhammer Fantasy is the game that turned Games workshop from a bunch of kids selling chess boards from their apartment into the greedy kikes we know and love today.
Playable armies
The Empire: The Holy Roman Empire with wizards and steam tanks, ostensibly the hero faction and the empire that the aformentioned Sigmar Helndenhammer founded in his heyday
Brettonia: You know the Monty Python joke where the two peasants instantly know King Arthur's a king because he isn't covered in shit? That about sums up Brettonia. Has an unhealthy obsession with horses and cribs Arthurian Legend like it's going out of style.
Warriors of Chaos: Badass daemonically powered up rapevikings who slaughter and pilage their way through the countryside FOR CHAOS!!!!1... At least in theory, because as the villan faction they have to get their ass handed to them by the heroes all the time.
High Elves: Elves ripped off straight from tolkien, these guys live on an artifical island and are usually the ones mopping up the mess whenever the chaos train rolls into town.
Wood Elves: A bunch of tree hugging hippies who secretly control Brettonia. They enjoy getting stoned too much to actually do anything important
Dark Elves: These guys were the inspiration for the dark eldar, and it shows. They are possibly the second sickest fucks in the setting, with Slaanesh taking the gold medal and winning the gold plated dildo trophy.
Dorfs: Wee men who like steam tanks and living in fortresses. Don't fuck with them, or they'll bear a grudge. That might not sound like a lot, but the high elves saw first hand what a dorf with a grudge will do
CHAOS DORFS: Wee men who proved their badassery by living in the worst part of the entire fucking map, where other dorfs pussied out. These guys worship a minor chaos god and are the only dorfs who use magic
Tomb Kangz: OLD! OLD! INCREDIBLY OLD MOTHERFUCKERS! who are undead, created when one of their ancient kangz accidentally everyone as undead thanks to the help of an insane necromancer.
Vampire Counts: Spooky sparkly bloodsuckers who got vampirized thanks to the very same necromancer who raised the tomb kangz as undead.
Skaven: Anthropomorphic rats, don't let the link fool you though, as you furfags definitely DO NOT WANT to fuck it. You'll probably get hyperaids. A bunch of selfish, greedy pricks who only care about themselves who worship another minor chaos god and are barely controlled by their psychotic leaders. Would take over the world if they weren't too busy backstabbing eachother.
Oh, and they Blew up the moon
DA ORCZ: 40k orkz with a slightly lower level of technology, right down to their spore based reproduction. One wonders how they havent made it into an ork planet by now. Blame Geedubs' shitty writing staff.
There's also ogre kingdoms but nobody gives a shit about those.
By the way, GW pulled an exterminatus on Warhammer fantasy in 2016, literally blowing up the world in the end times, Sigmar is reborn, escapes the planet, and starts AGE OF SIGMAR! The new dumbed down for kiddies game that Games Workshite wants you to shell out your shekels for.
Fucking Games Workshop.
Trolling
Trolling the neckbeards involved with Warhammer can be fun. Neckbeards treat Warhammer with such serious business that it's easy to drive them into a nerd rage over what is normally considered an obvious troll. Some trolling techniques:
- Draw/post Rule 63 of the characters in Warhammer. For example, a female emperor of mankind.
- Draw/post Rule 34 of the characters in Warhammer such as this, greater effect if it's interracial. Or guro.
- Add female space marine to a tournament. This is guaranteed to create massive rage amongst the neckbeards, the neckbeards will either rage about your ignorance that space marines are only male or will rage that you deliberately chose to ignore the sacred canon of Games Workshop.
- Write love stories between the various races in Warhammer. For example, an Eldar and a human falling in love. Basically, if it goes against established canon, it's guaranteed to cause rage.
- Tell the warhammer neckbeards that you're using your warhammer figurines in a D&D campaign.
- Write homoerotic rape fan fiction, like Squad broken!
- Be Matt Ward.
- Tell whorehammer fags that Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine is a blatant rip-off of Gears of War[2]. Though not necessarily true (As after all, every single third-person shooter is exactly the fucking same), the whorehammer fans will RAGE at the mere reference to Gears of War.
Trolling the parents of children that should have been aborted, but were instead called miracles by their batshit parents, who then proceeded to plaster pictures of their abomination all over the internet can also produce some lulz. Techniques include:
- Photoshop pictures of the Emperor condemning the mutant and calling for its swift end.
- Remind the parents on their child's website constantly that their children are filthy mutants.
- Also remind them that the fate of all mutants is to be purged.
- When the unclean one finally dies from not having a working brain, or a full set of organs, or a complete face, or whatever, be sure to let it be known that the Emperor looks upon this as the delivery of his own divine justice.
- The Emperor protects.
List of Those Who Have Known The Emperor's Will
Those Who Have Escaped The Emperor's Justice, For Now
Warseer Forums
Over 9000 years ago there existed a warhammer forum called Portent.net that was enjoyed by all the good Warhams.For some unknown reason one day the GW legal team decided that Portent was in breach of GW IP and BAWLEETED everything. Lost and confused, many Warhams killed themselves in the interim period. Eventually some fag called Nick decided to found a new forum in the spirit of the original Portent, and thus Warseer.net was born. After the massive Warham purge of 1978, however, all that was left to populate the new forum was a series of rapists, pedos and terrorists. The worst of these individuals were recruited into the mod team and began to rule over the forums with an spunk crusted fist. Warseer quickly degenerated into mind numbing circle jerk in which any comments interpreted as remotely negative resulted in a banned account. It is common knowledge that only discussions on female space marines are permited on warseer by the mod team. As a result of the extreme micromanaging mod team Warseer has been subject to inumerable raids from such groups as Slaaneshi Daemon World, which have resulted in even more lulzworthy crackdowns on the forum populace.
Dramaticus Personae
Brimstone
on Sunday 20th December 2009, Brimstone, legendary faggot became an hero, slitting his wrists when he finally realized he was a 42 year old man who moderated a website dedicated to imaginary plastic men
Wintermute
Widely agreed to be the worst mod in existence, Wintermute inrl is a 40 something nambla advocate who splits his time between discussing issues with forum members, 'babysitting' his sister's young sons, and working as a temp in a model shop somewhere in the south of britain. Wintermute will ban you for basically anything because as his profile occupation states, he "wields the banhammer". Here are some of the reasons why you will be banned by wintermute:
- Being a black person
- Saying pepsi is better than coke
- Posting a space marine without tits
- Being a bug chaser
- Goatse
- Being alive
- being dead
- Posting anything
- Not posting anything
This dude needs his own article, seriously. Here's a sample quote found far from his cozy ban-happy home of WarSeer:
Speaking of being b&, if you go on WarSeer and you've never read the phrase,
then you've never LIVED. If being a mod was like playing baseball then TOW would have already scouted him by now because he's the MASTER of using obscure rules to fag up any half decent discussion.
PhilBrad
Some random pervert mod with a fetish for Kylie Minogue with cancer. was recently arrested and sent to prison for stalking Ms Minogue. Somehow he still manages to mod from inside his cell.
Starlight
A Warseer mod who claimed for the longest time to be an overweight Canadian lesbian. After some time it was revealed that starlight was in fact an overweight Canadian homosexual male. It is unknown why he is still a mod but it is widely speculated that upon news of this revelation, Nick simply shrugged continued and continued receiving a blowjay from the newly emancipated tranny.
Doc Thunder
A regular poster of Warseer, Doc Thunder has a condition that forces him to sculpt tits on whatever model he is currently working on. Worse, because of a lack of general talent Doc Thunder actually has to hire outside help to assist him in mounting tits on various tanks, griffons and grues. When confronted over his awful preoccupation Doc Thunder will compose a 13 page reply defending his art and calling into question the sexuallity of the questionaire
Scryer in the Darkness
Aussiefag who trolls the news and rumor forums and calls dibbs on reporting anything 40k related,when not taking it up the ass from fellow warseer user:The Dude, hes spending every waking moment of his life ripping news from other 40k sites like belloflostsouls and pretending to be a mod with empty threats of the ban-hammer.
Typical uses for Warhammer toys
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Gallery
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Pool is closed due to heresy. -
Know the furry, kill the furry. -
New and improved Witchhunter -
"...And the greatest of them all are the Meme Marines." -
Combing for new faggotry. -
In the grim dark future of the 41st Millennium, there is only pingas. -
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Khornate Berzerkers eat Khorne flakes for breakfast to give them the energy to kill, maim, burn everything in front of them. Khorne Flakes - Breakfast of Chaos champions.
See Also
- Excuse me, Commissar
- Exterminatus Now - What you get when Furries decide they like WH40k Prepare the eye bleach.
- Unreal Tournament - Warhammer-esque characters.
- Gears of War - Warhammer-esque weapons.
- Neckbeard - All Warhammer players have one.
- Imperial Stars - Formerly Imperial Assassins, this Californian band are the official band of Warhammer.
- Sisterofsilence - Rare femoid Warhammer 40,000 player
- /tg/ - Where all the Warhammerfags hang out.
External Links
- /tg/s 40.000 wiki
- Official Games Workshop Website
- Official Dawn of War Website
- Science Fiction Forums
- Warseer Forums
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Warhammer 40,000 is part of a series on MMORPGs. | [Ding!] |
