EVE Online
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IT'S GONE F2P. DO NOT PLAY! THANK US LATER ... |
EVE Online aka Spreadsheet Simulator is an extremely slow and boring MMORPG that hardly anyone plays, made by the greasy foreigners at Crowd Control Productions, or CCP. Many consider the game to be an interactive screensaver at times. The crowd that plays the game is made up of the usual suspects. Actually it's way worse than that.
One of the only reasons why people actually try this game out is because of the awesome graphics that are promised on fake render trailers. According to the makers of the game, the players have a lot of freedom of what they choose to do in the game. This freedom that they speak of is mining ore in order to make Jew gold or grief other players to make their lives living hells, all while spending lots and lots of real world money for the privilege of doing so.
There is no point to this game except to waste your worthless life away and make yourself a pariah to the outside world.
"Gameplay"
First of all, to play this game you're going to need to be a Jew, have a degree in Business and Finance and finally have a dick shorter than 3". The gameplay of EVE - if you could call it that - usually consists of right clicking and selecting an option from a dropdown menu (when in space, at least.) As mentioned above, the developers give the players the stuff to use, and watch as the players use said crap any way they like in the game. This is called a sandbox game. Like an irl sandbox, you can crush that braggart of a kid's over-the-top sandcastle within two seconds, kick sand in the little shit's eyes, and pour sand down his shorts. Unlike an irl sandbox, you can get away with it in EVE.
—Description of EVE Online on the official website. |
Here's how the game actually goes:
1. Pick a 'career'
2. Grind that career for ISK
3. Go lose it all on PvP
4. Rinse and repeat
Bonus round: Spend 6 hours firing one missile in a 'epic battle' that started because someone didnt sub their alt and 10 titans got pulled into a fight, then tell everyone how cool it was later and feel special when it's on a gaming journalist website during a slow news day. This happens once every few months and is absolutely boring as shit.
If you're not interested in being a space pirate PvP dick blowing up peoples hard earned ships over the period of several weeks / months / years, EVE isnt for you or anyone who still wants to get anywhere in life.
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However, before you get to do all that stuff, you must pass...
The Wonderful Learning Curve
The creators of EVE Online thought the game would be easy to learn with the tutorials and help chats which they put into the game, (such as "Rookie Help" that is spamtastic). Instead, they fucked themselves over with these ideas. As you can see by this graph that is shown here, people have trouble getting over the learning curve of this game.
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Tutorial circa 2003: "Welcome to EVE! Double click in space to move! Right click objects in space to interact! Click on modules to activate them! OK GOOD LUCK, BYE!!!1"
Tutorial until November 2016: "You are going to spend the next 6 hours reading and YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT! Also go mine that rock over there!"
Tutorial with the start of F2P: "Play that goddamn campaign we made for you lazy assholes, READ EVERYTHING, GIVE US YOUR MONEY!
"Free to Play"
Let us explain how fucked you are as a new player.
First of all, there are actual anti-F2P groups on EvE. They have been preparing for months. These people will find and obliterate you, no matter where you are in space, for no reason other than the fact you are F2P. The cost to them is irrelevant, they have 6+ alts each, billions in ISK and a credit card they dump on PLEX and injectors daily. You will NEVER be able to catch up or beat them in anything.
Now lets pretend you somehow survive to make a small pittance of ISK, I hope you like losing it all, since the market has been manipulated for the last few months before the F2P update, as well as the current players know exactly what you need to buy to play, so they have manipulated the prices on market products. You are spending a fortune just to get basic shit. So not only are they fucking you in the ass, you have to go back to these same people and buy the lube from them with ISK, which they will then use to fund ships to fuck you in the ass again.
Welcome to EVE.
Skill Training
This is why the game is considered so boring. To level up your skills, such as spatial awareness or hand-eye coordination, you purchase a textbook of the skill from someone somewhere, and add it to your training queue. Then you wait as it trains over time, like a torrent. Essentially, you can level up in EVE without even logging in.
So you might ask yourself, "Do I need to play for hundreds of hours before I can do anything?"
... No, its literally worse than that ...
You are expected to NOT play for hundreds of hours just to level up skills so you can ACTUALLY PLAY.
Races
EVE Online has four races: the Gallente, the Amarr, the Minmatar, and the Caldari:
- The Gallente are a bunch of peace-loving French and Chinese hippies who somehow are playable in a game that revolves much around griefing people and blowing shit up. Instead of fighting, they use robot drones to attack for them. They believe since the drones do all the work, they're still peace-lovers. Riiightt... All their ships have extremely dick shaped designs, who would have guessed?
- The Amarr are zealous Catholics (no, fucking seriously) that dislike anyone who doesn't think the same way. They start crusades with lazers and probably wish they holocaust'd the Minmatar by now.
- The Caldari are the Jews (
but oddly enoughnaturally they are the most Nazi like race of the game). They own all the major corporations and every Caldari is born into one. If they quit, they will be complete pariahs and considered dead. You know, Jewish. Somehow, they're allied with the Amarr. They are also terrible at player-versus-player because, as mentioned, they're more concerned with rigging the prices of fucking everything.
- The Minmatar are all Norwegian space niggers. They used to pick space-cotton for the Amarr until Space-Lincoln set them free, allowing the Minmatar to build their own ships made out of stolen bikes and TVs. Their ships are fast as a result but will immediately explode if they touch as much as a space-pebble. The Gallente also use them to process space-chikunz. They're still not completely free and just like their real life counter parts never will be, and would have been better off under the protection of their superior masters.
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Gallente: Fuckin' Frenchies. -
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Caldari: They control the media. -
Minmatar: Go back to picking cotton.
Other "Important" Factions and Characters
These factions are more like corporations created by the developers. They are incredibly ridiculous and seem like leftovers from Star Trek.
- The Serpentis are a league of crackhead non-player characters that make space drug outlets. One can assume they're not too bright, as their cargo containers all say "NARCOTICS" in bright blue lettering on the side. Their leader, is the infamous Walter Heartwell White. Their ships are just black recolors of Gallente ships.
- The Guristas are a pirate faction created by two goth NPCs after they decided to stop being a bunch of kikes (being Caldari) and spend their lives blowing shit up, stealing things, and trolling the Caldari Navy. Their logo is so totally Hot Topic - a skull with rabbit ears. Because of how wacky and trendy the logo is, the Guristas hooded sweatshirt is the best-selling item from the EVE Online store. When CCP sells out to Hot Topic in 2012, you will see scene kids with that logo everywhere. Remember, you heard it here first! They also have ORIGINAL CHARACTER DO NOT STEAL versions of Caldari ships, with desert camo and even more of a focus on shields & missiles while also having a gimmick where they only have bandwidth for 2 appropriately sized drones at a time, with massive bonuses to compensate
- The Jovians are a race of fucktarded aliens that keep modifying themselves to be the most superior of all races. Unfortunately for them, it kills them off before they hit twelve years old. Hopefully they will all self-pwn in time.
- The Sansha's Nation is a prime example of what would have happened if Amarrians would have properly kept control of their Minmatar slaves. Controling the minds of it's True Slaves while the other 1% of the population sits on their collective ass and watches Cosmos. Also THE SANSHA'S NATION WISHES TO EXPAND ITS BORDERS, AND 9HXQ-G IS ONE OF ITS TARGETS. THEY HAVE SET UP A MAJOR BASE OF OPERATIONS IN 3GD6-8 AND ARE SLOWLY DESTROYING ALL OPPOSITION TO THEIR FORCES, WHILE THEIR PEONS BUILD THEIR NEW STARBASES. THE BIGGEST HINDRANCE TO THEIR PLANS IS IN MY-W1V. A GIGANTIC MINING COLONY, ALONG WITH A TRADING HUB, IS LOCATED THERE AND THE INHABITANTS ARE EXTREMELY AFRAID OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN TO THEM SHOULD SANSHA DECLARE OWNERSHIP OF THEIR SOLAR-SYSTEM. THEY HAVE ASSEMBLED A SIZABLE FLEET OF AMARR AND AMMATAR SHIPS TO PROTECT THEIR ASSETS, AND PREVENT THE SANSHA'S NATION FROM EXPANDING THEIR SOVEREIGNTY INTO 9HXQ-G. They have a supercapital Class ship, which literally looks like a giant turd, and is about as cost effective as one since it's ridiculously hard to obtain compared to empire supercaps.
- CONCORD (Consolidated Cooperation and Relations Command) are the space cops. If you attack someone in a high-security solar system, CONCORD will commit police brutality.
- There's also the Blood Raiders, who steal peoples' blood for rituals and paint their ships with it, which are stolen Amarrian ships with bonuses to stealing and neutralizing capacitor power from enemy ships.
Corporations and Alliances
Corporations are scams that make the players think that they are involved in something useful in EVE Online. In reality, corporations are just full of people that dick around and enslave players for their own ventures. When someone asks what the money or resources are used for, the higher ups will usually say that it is for ships or some bullshit in order to help out everyone. This is a lie considering the fact that they are buying the ships for themselves. In conclusion, corporations are a great scam in order for the man to rip off the mere peasants in EVE Online just like in real life!
Goonfleet vs. Band of Brothers
Goonfleet is probably the most famous corporation ("guild" in layman's terms) because of its high amount of Asperger's syndrome. Visual evidence is provided here. EVE Online is the only game where Goons think they are supreme. This was set in stone in early 2009 when a BoB director switched sides and disbanded the BoB Alliance. ever since Goons try to claim Credit for it. As they claim credit for the invasion of the former BoB held space - which infact was done by Goons' allies, while Goons where not taking part in the fights. But who fucking cares?:
It is important to note that Goon Squad had the same exact thing happen to them in EverQuest II as seen here, further proving that Goons suck at every MMORPG including EVE just the EVE-Goons tend to have a distorted view of reality. Part of Goon reformed, but can't defend themselves anymore and are being completely torn apart by pretty much everyone.
Wormholes
After the Apocrypha expansion was released, wormholes (aka Dramaholes or assholes for ship buttsecks) were incorporated into the game. These wormholes allow players to go into uncharted space where they are able to make tons of money and get items to create Strategic Cruisers. These wormholes are unstable though which means that they can collapse at any of time. Therefore, one can easily get stuck in the uncharted space. If they do not have scanners, they will not be able to find their way out and will have to resort to suicide. Many people were eager to jump into the wormholes to make money. Fortunately, the wormholes closed on some people which created massive drama throughout many EVE forums. This drama was entertaining though considering the fact that the people knew that there was a risk of the wormholes closing up.
—Crying about how much of a pain in the ass it is to get out of a wormhole. |
—Response to baw |
Strategic Cruisers
Strategic Cruisers (or Tech III ships) are basically shitty barebone ships which are heavily modifiable. The developers thought that this would be a great idea since it makes people want to go into wormholes and allow people have fun customizing their ships. The trouble is that NO ONE HAS THEM and no one is willing to sell them on the market since they are super awesome. Keep dreaming because you will never have this ship.
And even if you did, some bads would trick you into fighting them and steal it anyway.
Chats
There are multiple chats in the universe of EVE each of which have their own little spice to them.
- Local Chat - Literally everyone uses this chat, more than 90% of the combat in eve takes place here and the amount of sperging will make your eyes bleed.
- Rookie Chat - Spam central. Full of Chinese farmers advertising Jew. People that buy money are suckers.
- Help Chat - When a player enters this chat, they are greeted with a friendly message saying that there are no admins in the chat that will help at all. Asking for help is really stupid in this chat considering the fact that half of the chatters are either trolls or noobs that cannot answer a simple question.
- Corp chat - If you are the unfortunate breed of anti-social and you actually join a player run corporations this is where you will spend most of the rest of your life.
- Fleet Chat - Where you and your most lonely corp mates wax each others ships.
Emoticons
EVE players, for whatever reason, prefer their own emoticons that sometimes end up in other corners of the Internet, but are much more prevalent ingame. Here is a glossary.
- o/ = Sieg Heil
- o7 = Salute
- 7o = Salute, as done by Brave Collective
- \o/ = I'm Awesome
- ~o~ = Pippi Longstocking
EVEMon
EVEMon is known to be one of the greatest add-ons for EVE. It monitors your character's status and skills so that the player does not have to go into the game and check up on their character. Fortunately a lot of drama was produced from this add-on. Many noobs among EVE forums say that the program has malware included in it, but what the retards do not understand is that NORTON IS SHIT.
EVE Tournaments of 2009
On February 7th and 8th a group of nerds finally came together and formed a competition that was broadcast live. During this competition, all of the biggest corporations fought to get virtually nothing. The tournament was lulzy though due to the fact that the ships of the players who had worked very hard to get them all blew up in the end. The narrators tried to make the competition a big deal as this was happening but failed to do so.
The Battle of Asakai
In January 27th of 2013, the faggotry of EVE reached peak levels, when Dabigredboat, some asspie player from the Clusterfuck Coalition/Goonswarm, showing uber 1337 sk1llz piloting the largest ship class available, "accidentally" jumped right in the middle of a ghetto full of jews and sand niggers. Immediately, the Honey Badger called for reinforcements to utterly rape that stupid bitch. Meanwhile, the goon also called for help, not wanting his friends to lose such a massive buttseks possibility. All in all, a massive orgy of rape took place, with over 9000 participating in watching a bunch of pixels doing close to nothing and suddenly exploding.
The aftermath was catastrophic for the Goonies, with some claiming that they alone lost well over US$15,000 worth in make believe ships. Obviously, many lulz ensued.
Forums
The official EVE Online forums are a shithole of trolling, butthurt, counter-trolling, counter-counter trolling and faggotry, particularly in CAOD (Corporations, Alliances and Organisation discussion, which can best be described ad the forums' equivalent of /b/ for the amount of trolling and drama it contains (but with a lack of goatse), and in EVE General Discussion, where the trolls who don't post in CAOD go, along with butthurt whiners complaining because they got killed or because a specific ship is overpowered because they can't fly it.
Security
There are multiple "solar systems" in EVE. They are rank by their security rating though marking each one by how dangerous they are. This rating can range from 1.0 (safe) all the way down to 0.0 (shithole). The only good place to hang out in EVE is 0.4-0.0 though. Pirating, griefing, and wars go on here. Lulzy as it is, the actions committed in 0.4-0.0 create buckets full of drama.
Quafe
Quafe is THE hip and awesome energy drink in the world of EVE Online. It was originally made by (surprisingly enough) some Gallente guys to alleviate stomachaches, but since the drink was so addictive or tasty or something, it became hugely popular within the universe. Nobody knows what exactly is in Quafe, but some speculate it consists of Fanta and semen. CCP actually decided to make this drink IRL - it tastes like Sprite, apparently. Drinking Quafe will get you laid in EVE Online.
When mixed with the WoW Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel and the EQ champagne, the end of the world will occur.
The Ricdic Scandal
In early July 2009, an Australian player called "Ricdic" looted over 200 billion ISK (the game's currency) and sold it for the equivalent of £3,115. Apparently the Aussie paid his medical bills and house deposits. This obviously led to him being b&. For some reason this even made it to the BBC.
—Ned Coker, some EVE Online developer; | ||
Space-economy is srs.
Walk-In Stations
Scheduled to be added at the end of 2009, walk-in stations are basically Second Life and EVE Online combined. Except without, the, you know, furry yiff tentacles and such. Since EVE is one of the few MMOs that don't require running around as an avatar in an open world, many diehards whined that the "game was turning into WoW." Of course, the game won't turn into WoW until it becomes so easy that even Zombaby could have played it. It, however, will go the way of Duke Nukem Forever. As in, WON'T HAPPEN.
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Nice traffic cone jumpsuit, lady. -
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DUST 514
DUST 514 is going to be the MMOFPS side-project of CCP. EVE fans either jerk off to it furiously or think it will ruin EVE forever. Either way it's been done before with PlanetSide, which was lame (and still is), and this will be no different. Except the screaming 14 year-old pansy boys playing DUST will get to interact with the screaming 28 year-old autistic men playing EVE, by going on missions for them. This can only lead to EVE players sending the DUST ones into deathtraps.
Essentially it's the Halo MMO.
How to Troll/Grief
Look for the tattoo...
There are many ways to troll EVE players, even more than the techniques that are listed here. Here are some examples!
- Bump ships to piss miners and salvagers off. Bumping doesn't really have any effect, but damn does it rile them up!
- Flip cans and take the ore.
- Pay an extra $14.99 a month so you can have your own cloaked stealth bomber alt waiting to help you blow up the noobs you just can flipped.
- Mouth people off while staying in station. They can't come in and hurt you. While this may make you look like a coward, you'll also get to see how much of an Internet tough guy people are in this game.
- Kill miners and haulers in low security solar systems, and loot all of their space rocks/space cocaine/space hookers.
- Jettison something out of your cargo into space, label it something stupid like "FREE SHIT COME TAKE IT" - some noob will eventually open it, leaving them open to attack by you.
- Mention WoW even briefly. Especially if you say you're from WoW. The EVE players will eviscerate you more than EQ players will, so be careful!
- Tell them how awesome DUST 514 (the console MMOFPS sister of EVE) will be. Or, conversely, don't. Either way, you will find people screaming how DUST ruined everything, or how it will be the best fucking thing of all time.
- Ask how you can become a Jedi.
- Remind any of the players how phallic the ships look, and it makes them closeted homosexuals.
- Tell them that VNV Nation sucks.
Gallery in Space
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Who said EVE isn't educational? -
Fucking fountain of information! This is worth getting two jobs, just to pay off one month of membership for. -
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The Quafe Girl. -
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These people make EVE. Ballin'! -
Oh for fuck's sake...
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The Amarr altar boys getting hot in here.
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The game in book form. -
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Is that some VNV Nation? -
You mean the Fan Fest convention has... women? -
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OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ -
Cosplay peoples. -
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Wrong EVE, dumbass. -
Lol papercraft. -
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Amarr duckface. -
Videos
In these videos, you can see all the action in the game, along with a typical EVE player getting laughed at by the developers at the EVE convention.
Previous Video | Next Video |
See Also
- Iceland (this game is the only thing that sustains Iceland's economy)
- EverQuest, the PVE equivalent of EVE.
- Darkfall, which is basically EVE except worse and full of orks and shit.
- Rogue also has resource management, a high learning curve, and permadeath... coincidence?
- Star Wars
- Hardcore
- Economics
- Asperger's Syndrome
- Something Awful
- Steam
- Jew
- Buck Bumble
- Xenuria - an EVE online obsessed loser
External Links
- EVE Online's Official Website. Make sure to create a trial account and see how "hardcore" this crap is.
- BAWWWWW!
- The game in a nutshell.
- OH NO IT'S NOT A KIDS' GAME!!
- Sex services were available in EVE. Note "were".
- GAME FORUMZ
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EVE Online is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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EVE Online is part of a series on MMORPGs. | [Ding!] |
