Car
Cars transport people from point A to point B and on weekends to point C. They provide protection against lions and can also be used to run over schoolchildren, filthy kaffir, and other small mammals. They are the number one source of polluting the air and eating up natural resources, which is pretty useful for trolling Greenpeace. Cars are the leading cause of death for Rob Levin✡.
Speaking of death, automobiles are the single most destructive piece of machinery ever conceived of by mankind. Resulting in nearly fifty thousand deaths every single year just within the United States alone. Worldwide the automobile has resulted in the hilarious slaughter of countless, untold millions since its inception and the death toll continues to spiral out of control. It is very possible that automobiles were in fact specifically designed and created as a form of "population control", which would explain ever increasing speed limits and the overall media blackout regarding the absolutely insane death toll behind them.
Cars as Mechanisms of Compensation
Some argue the size of a man's PENIS can be determined by the value of his car. It is an inverse relationship, with a more expensive car indicating a smaller PENIS. The following formula can be used:
p = 1/c
Where p is the PENIS size in inches, and c is the cost of the car in thousands of dollars. So, for example, someone with a $200,000 car would have a PENIS size of 1/200th of an inch.
However, there is an inherent flaw in this formula; a Chevy Suburban only costs about $35,000 but the men who buy large trucks like them have massive compensation complexes. While the owner of a $200,000 sports car is most likely only trying to compensate for his sexual prowess, the owners of these ridiculously large trucks are not only trying to compensate for his fail cock, but also overall masculinity.
Additionally, one can purchase a used 1990 Ford Festiva for about $500 off of craigslist. The only sort of person who would even consider such a vehicle would be mentally deficient and sexually dysfunctional. Bragging about your $500 Festiva, Chevette, or Geo will not make people think you have a large PENIS.
In conclusion, penis size cannot be judged solely upon a man's car; however, ball size could be a different story - if a man has a $300,00 motor vehicle and a closet for a home, he may have nuts the size of Katrina. That being said, the writers of this section are retards and hate to say it, Jelly.
Cars by Country
American Cars
Historically known for their utter shit design, looks, handling, fuel consumption, safety, and lack of steering. Oh, and exploding if hit from the rear. Or impaling their drivers on the steering column in a low speed head-on. Or forcing the driver to visit hell to obtain one. And being Proudly Built in the USA which means the parts are made in China, assembled in Mexico, then topped with a plastic flag by an overpaid union worker in America.
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The Chevrolet Camaro Z28, your quintessential American sports car, note the word "DEAD" written on the window. This one belongs to Gothzilla. -
The AMC Gremlin, America's answer to hot hatchbacks. Note the similarities to the previous car. -
American cars are known for requiring less maintenance and being better in general than those high maintenance European cars. -
A beautiful gem from the glory days of the American auto industry. They just don't make 'em like they used to, eh?
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American Car Manufacturers
- Ford: Also known to Chevy drivers as "Fix or repair daily" despite Chevys being just as shitty, if not sometimes worse, than Fords. Known primarily for the uncontrollable Mustang, the "shit on Ferrari" GT, and big ass trucks/SUVs to move fatass Americans from point A to point B.
- Chevrolet: Chevy is basically a cesspool of all of GM's poverty tier overseas models and they are almost always outdated by the time they come to market. Known primarily for the Camaro and Corvette, both are primitive but really the only two cars Chevy makes that can slip by with a pass.
- Dodge: Pretty much the bottom of the pack when it comes to the three big Americunt car brands. Their build quality is even worse than Chevy and their regular cars as a whole are so bad that they resort to building 700+ horsepower muscle cars to keep themselves relevant. Which is okay, I guess.
- RAM: Formerly part of the Dodge brand, they build trucks. Popular RAM trucks have Cummins diesel engines which needle dicked douchebags turn into bro-dozers so they can roll coal all over town... unless they do it into the face of Prius driver while his window is down, only then is it acceptable.
- Chrysler: Basically take Dodge, trim the lineup to like three cars and throw a bunch of leather in them. (protip: they're still shit) Chrysler is known for the 300 which is the favored car of niggers all across the country alongside Cadillac's Escalade.
- Buick: A GM brand that is stuck in some lapse between Chevy and Cadillac, probably should have been killed years ago. The only buyers of Buicks are old people. End of story.
- GMC: Take Chevy, delete anything that isn't a truck or SUV and badge engineer it. That's all GMC is.
- Cadillac: Used to build pretty cool land yachts and then went to shit in the 1970's. Cadillac isn't known for much now, exceptions are the V-Series which are powerful as fuck, and the Escalade which niggers either steal new from soccer moms or buy used when they are 10 years old and within the limit of a welfare check.
- Lincoln: See Buick except with Ford as the parent company.
- Jeep: Builds overpriced and depending on where you look, ridiculously ill equipped SUVs. Yes, the Wrangler is good off road but do their owners know that? Nope. Jeeps stopped going off road after World War II and onto mall parking lots. Favorite of lesbians, gay republicans, and REI fags.
- Tesla: Run by a guy that may or may not be a supervillain. Tesla is unique in that it's American and they only make electric cars. It's almost like finding out Kenny Rodgers is gay and vegan.
Australian Cars
AU hasn't quite gotten the message from the US: Big, overpowered RWD sedans with very little sophistication are old news. Aussies must be given credit where credit is due however, as they did take half of a sedan and glue it to a truck bed, calling it a 'ute'.
Australian Car Manufacturers
- Holden: Pretty much the only car company native to Australia, unless you count Ford, whose AU branch is almost unrelated to the main company. The Chevy SS is in fact a Holden, which goes to show how Chevy can't figure out how to build anything that isn't a Corvette on their own now.
British Cars
Aston Martin, Jaguar, Lotus, Land Rover, Caterham, and the BMW-owned Mini are the pinnacle of British automotive innovation. Mind you, until very recently the first two were largely assembled from the leftover parts bin at Ford. However, it must be noted that the Morgan AeroMax (seen at right) still contains something from the 1300s: a wood-beam ceiling. At least 100 years ago until the Margret Thatcher era. British cars were British. However are now American, Indian, German, Japanese and Italian. Though if we look into times past (British Leyland-era), most British cars were as appealing and well-made as the current United States line-up. Then again, Vauxhall is the same as Opel, which in turn is the same thing as Chevy, and they're just as shit.
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Aston Martin is world-renowned for making long-lasting quality sports cars, like this 2002 Aston Martin Vanquish. -
Jaguars are more popular with rednecks than other British cars, due to their simplistic design and off-road capabilities. -
You don't often see V12 sports cars broken down and abandoned in parking lots, but when you do, they're usually Jaguars (photo by Gothzilla). -
Jaguars are known for their plush, luxuriously-trimmed interiors, with real leather and wood. The Queen even has one for personal use.
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Jaguar, "Performance and engineering you can rely on." -
The massive Jaguar HE V12 produced 318 horsepower in 1997, the same year GM's small block LS1 V8 made 325 horsepower.
British Car Manufacturers
- Jaguar: Now owned by India's Tata in a decidedly sick twist of fate. Admittedly, their cars are good looking and quite quick but don't expect your JAAAAAAAG to survive the daily drive to work each time.
- Land Rover: Former god-tier off roader manufacturer that turned to making expensive, unreliable luxobarges that can ford a river if you happen to come across one on your way to Starbucks. Half of Land Rover's lineup are now crossovers which goes to show how badly Tata fucked them up.
- Bentley: Owned by Volkswagen and shares a surprising number of parts with Audi's and whatnot. Their cars are, huge, gaudy and terribly unreliable. Also known for the Bentayga, which is quite possibly the ugliest, most tasteless SUV ever built.
- Rolls Royce: Big surprise coming up, Rolls is owned by BMW! Essentially what that means now is you're buying a 7-series with weird doors that makes you look like even more of a cunt.
- Caterham: Kit car manufacturer, build it yourself or have them do it if you're too fucking lazy. Fun cars but they have no practical use whatsoever.
- Mini: Also owned by BMW and all they've done really is make them a bit bigger and bigger over the years. Modern Mini drivers are either hipsters or ricers with no knowledge that something called a Volkswagen Golf exists.
- TVR: Sports car manufacturer that makes cars more likely to snap your neck than get you safely to where you're going. As with all British cars, TVRs are unreliable but they get more demerits for making no fucking sense whatsoever. Because of this, TVRs are impossible to steal.
- Morgan: Small volume sports car manufacturer that still makes cars out of fucking wood. They also still look like they were built in the early 1900's. What the actual...
- Aston Martin: The only well known British manufacturer that didn't sell out to another company... well they did once to Ford and as you would expect, those years were ehhhh at best. Their cars are pretty gud for the most part, British reliability aside and tendency to cause owners to start channeling their inner Sean Connery aside.
- Lotus: They build expensive, tiny ass cars powered by engines out of family sedans with ride height inches away from dragging your ass across the pavement.
- Vauxhall: See Opel.
Canadian Cars
Introducing an automotive disaster of truly epic proportions: the Bricklin. Manufactured and assembled in New Brunswick, designed and championed by the designer of the original TV Batmobile, powered by a Ford V8, and headed by highly competent members of the CEO's own family, this car is certainly a perfect storm of fail. The Canadian Provincial government was so impressed by this horseless carriage that they decided to provide $4.5 million dollars to finance the operation. Bricklin actually used this money to pay their family. The crowning jewel was the immediate revenues: each Bricklin cost the company $16,000 to build. They then sold them to dealerships for $5,000, effectively losing 2 cars for every car sold. This was in the 70's, so factor inflation, and today they would build a car for $23,000,000 and sell it for $5.17.
Embedding a single image simply will no do this worthy business venture justice. Please visit: http://bricklinautosport.com/
ZENN is not just a really cool brand name, loser, it's a crazy-smart acronym for Zero Emissions No Noise. Fuck yeah! You don't pay out the big bucks for a name like that without a killer credo:
Since man first began to walk, we have dreamed of the fucking righteous feeling of movement. Cars hath given us mobility, but at the cost pollution and oil dependancy. O noes! ZENN is all about getting back to that feeling of movement. ZENN looks like a car, but refuses to work like one. ZENN will quietly change the way you think about getting from A to B. ZENN is truly enlightened mobility.
Now tell me you don't want a blue one! It is powered by ZENNergy technologies and solutions, so you know it kicks fat piles of ass. The company founder is a photographer-turned-internet marketing failure, so you know he has the credentials to create a vehicle to navigate the super 1337 400-series highway system; he rode a fucking vacuum to work while impregnating your mom. Genius, really, considering that traffic has not gotten abover 13 km/h on those failroads in over 25 years. Oddly enough, the CFO just left the company to persue other business interests. They are looking to hire a new one, so if 3 shiny loonies and an ass full of cum every day is better than what you currently earn, the job is yours. Trust me.
Chinese Cars
Chinese cars are primarily knockoffs of big name cars but with drastically shittier build quality. Big surprise. This is because the cars they design themselves end up exactly like the one below:
, Buddhanate, YouTube | ||
Egyptian Cars
No such thing, since, like other Islamic nations, Egyptians lack the brain functions necessary to design cars. Because of this, all the cars in Egypt today are copied Russian designs.
French Cars
Small, cheap, easily made, utter shit, global platforms. Those are some terms used to describe French cars, like the Citroen and Peugeot lines. On top of making wretched little shitboxes that fall apart if you look at them funny, French car makers aren't smart enough to figure out that if you give your car the name "fuego" it probably shouldn't have a habit of catching fire. Renault is as bad, despite claiming to be good, they LIE! Your car will fall apart as you leave the Dealers.
French Car Manufacturers
- Peugeot: They make about a million different models and they're all cheap shit. Peugeots are the cars driven by people who should be executed if they were caught behind the wheel of any motor vehicle. If you happen to be in Europe and see a Peugeot, cover your brake pedal.
- Renault: These are basically Nissans powertrains stuffed into French cars with retarded ass names like Twingo, or Twizy. At least credible for the Espace F1 which was basically a minivan with a fucking Formula 1 drivetrain in it for the lulz.
- Bugatti: Used to make huge luxury cars that were practically rolling works of art. Now VW owns them and all they make are ugly ass 250+ mile per hour cock wafting machines that run out of gas in twelve minutes at top speed.
- Citroen: Points earned for actually being distinguishable from other French cars. Demerits for being really, REALLY fucking weird.
German Cars
They cost a shit load of money and are not worth it. However, you do get the satisfaction of looking cool and driving a car built with the blood and tears of 6 million Jews. The Germans always make good stuff, and are always looking for the most insane number of horsepower and top speed to shove into their $2,000,000 RWD coupes. And Mercedes doesn't have the A-class, nor have they ever made any cheap cars in the past. Also the phaeton isn't a hatchback, but the GTI would indeed be cheap for a performance car. And Mercedes build quality is cheap they just make you pay out the ass for them.
- Only 1337 people drive them.
- That nerd in high school you beat the living shit out of? He has five of them.
- They give American cars a run for their money in falling apart. Generally, by catching up 10-15 years later.
German Car Manufacturers
- BMW: They make probably close to billion different variations of the same car and can't realize that having four-doors isn't a "coupe". BMWs have no blinkers, are unreliable, and their owners are generally double parking pieces of shit who deserve to be keyed.
- Audi: Like BMW's boring, more sophisticated cousin. Audi's don't have anything distinctly special about them. They all kind of look the same, drive pretty well, and will catastrophically break down once you get close to 100,000 miles on the clock.
- Volkswagen: Founded by Nazis and they pretty much own every single car brand on the planet. None of the cars they make are particularly remarkable although if you want to piss off greenies, buy a TDI. You won't regret it.
- Mercedes-Benz: Popular with niggers and dumb white girls alike, Mercs are basically the car you buy if you wan't to tell the world you've made it, even though you really haven't since everybody and their mother has one. They somehow manage to be more unreliable than BMWs and look at least twice as vulgar.
- Smart: Those fucking tiny ass death mobiles are German? Yeah, Mercedes owns them for some fucking reason. The name apparently means Swatch Mercedes ART. I don't get it either.
- Porsche: There is no substitute.
- Opel: Opel basically shits out every single car that you can buy from Chevy or Buick in the US. They are generally shit, and as a result the golden bowtie fits them remarkably well.
Italian Cars
Devilishly handsome good looks, speed, power and a fantastic noise; though they're almost certainly going to break before you get them off the dealer's lot. Alfa Romeos and Fiats are good examples of "shoddy craftsmanship". Fiat however must be noted as one that fails to learn from history, as it is currently in talks with the American Chrysler Corp and the European Opel (Which owns Vauxhall and is owned by General Motors) to BUY THEM OUTRIGHT. Fiat would single-handedly dominate the world market by the purchase of two near-defunct companies. No estimated values have been placed on the talks, though some argue it's upwards of $3.3 Billion USD.
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Fiat Multipla, The best looking car in the world, with a cancer on top of it as cabin
Italian Car Manufacturers
- Fiat: The quintessential Italian shitbox manufacturer. They are unreliable and pretty hideous to look at despite being billed "charming". They only have one remotely interesting car but it's just a Miata with an engine that will break down shortly after you drive it off the lot.
- Lancia: Used to be good and kicked ass in rally. Now literally all their cars are rebadged Chryslers and as you may remember, Chrysler translates to shit.
- Alfa Romeo: They make what are widely considered to be the most beautiful cars on the planet and they may be right. Alfas look fantastic, even when they're smoking on the side of the road.
- Maserati: Again like Lancia, Maserati used to mean something... minus the Biturbo. Now their cars are overpriced, new-money douchebag mobiles that lose nearly all their value once you put ten miles on the odometer. Seriously, the Ghibli is a piece of shit and you could have a much better, fully optioned 5-series for less.
- Lamborghini: Along with Ferrari, Lambos are essentially "Generic Rich Guy Car No.2". They're owned by Audi now so literally any distinction of them being Italian is lost by the Germans diluting them to the point that real enthusiasts don't give a shit about them anymore. Burn just as well as Ferraris.
- Ferrari: Performance charcoal manufacturer. Ferrari brand charcoal is distinct by it's bright red color and extremely long burn duration. To light your Ferrari brand charcoal, just hit the big red ignition button. Now enjoy a authentic Italian barbecue experience!
- Pagani: Hand built cars with engines supplied by AMG. These things are fucking ridiculous, no other words necessary.
Japanese Cars
Azns drive these, but only after painting them neon yellow, gluing on plastic body kits, and slapping a sticker with some moonspeak symbol on the hood. Asian drivers constitute the only group of people who defy the above compensation equations, etc., etc., and the joke writes itself. They are cheap, slow, and overrated.
Japanese Car Manufacturers
- Toyota: They are considered to be the most boring cars on the planet. If anybody tells you that they love how "sporty" their Camry is or shit like that, they're a fucking retard. Toyota has only made a handful of relatively fun cars, namely the GT86 and the Supra, both of which ultimately get fucked up by their ricer owners.
- Lexus: Basically Toyata wanted to get on some of the action the Krauts were having and created a luxury brand. The sad reality is that Lexus is only marginally less boring than Toyota and lately to compensate, modern Lexus's have went for absurdly jagged and aggressive styling. Like most Jap cars, Lexus's are pretty much unkillable, the only plus they have against the Germans.
- Nissan: Nissan is basically the same as Toyota except that they're only slightly more competent in making cars people actually want to buy. They have built decades of ricer porn in the forms of the Fairlady Z, 240SX, and the Skyline GT-R and ricers jack off to them as a ritual. Then there's the Juke... and the Cube... yeah...
- Infinti: Oh shit, if Toyota can do it, Nissan can to! There isn't anything inherently wrong with Infiniti apart from the fact that their owners almost always seem to fuck up their cars, namely if it's a G35 or G37. The rest of their cars are just soccer mom mobiles and might as well not exist.
- Honda: Actually no, Honda is the most boring car manufacturer on the planet. Their interiors are about as luxurious as a Moroccan jail cell and they have no feel when driven. Killing yourself is more exciting than driving a Honda. On the plus side, Hondas are indestructible and have VTEC, that's literally all they have going for them.
- Acura: More like FAGura. Honda tried to compete with Lexus and Infiniti; the result is just as stale as a regular Honda but with the added shitty feeling of knowing you're driving something that's supposed to be on par with the Aryan race but fails in every possible way.
- Mazda: Mazda is like the only Japanese car company that doesn't give a fuck about what the Germans or the other Azn brands are doing and built cars that don't make you want to kill yourself when you drive them, but the Miata is still a fag car regardless of how many track days you take yours on. Also famous for the 787B which might as well produce the sound God makes when jacks off.
- Mitsubishi: So out of touch with the times that they might as well become an hero. They discontinued everything that was remotely okay and now they only produce shitty econoboxes and crossovers.
- Subaru: Basically a shill for Toyota and vice versa but renowned for fucking everybody up in WRC. Primarily known for the WRX STI which has been making Lancer Evo fanbois rage since the beginning of time.
- Scion:
Youth geared brand by Toyota that ended up being bought primarily by 40+ year old Mexicans. The cars were shit either way.SCION IS KILL. HOLD F TO PAY RESPECTS.
Korean and Malaysian Cars
Cheap does not equal cheerful here. They're shoddy, they wouldn't last as long as an Alfa Romeo 147 and they're painstakingly slow. The only benefit of owning a Korean or Malaysian car is the bottom line cost - they're cheaper than a pair of socks.
With these cars, and the price of fuel nowadays, it is usually more cost effective to just buy a new car, rather than fill up the tank of the old one. This coincides nicely with the fact that the car probably won't make it long enough to fill up the tank a second time anyway.
Korean Car Manufacturers
- Hyundai: Basically Korea's equivalent of Toyota and just as uneventful. Like I can't even think of anything more to say about Hyundai because there isn't anything else to fucking say about them. They build cars I guess.
- Kia: Kia is a part of Hyundai and might as well just be a CTRL-C CTRL-V of them, they build roughly the same cars. Kia's only distinction is they made the car that effectively killed Scion called the Soul and advertised it with a bunch of goddamn giant hamsters.
- Genesis: Hyundai's luxury brand that aims to attack Mercedes is a less half assed way than Lexus. Their cars are essentially ripoffs of Mecedes but with a gaping ass grille on them.
Mexican Cars
Really? Does this need to be explained? The only cars Mexicans can even call their own are the shitbuses they take over the border before big bad Border Patrol blows them to Kingdom Cum.
Russian Cars
The Soviets never did make a car that could outrun a Ford. Unless you pronounce the car manufacturers by their acronym, their car will reach their 0-100 km/h mark, which should be around 1 hour before you finish. The brand names are also mindfuckingly long, for example UAZ actually means Ulyanovsky Avtomobilny Zavod and if you want a model, you're in bad luck: all their models are named in numbers rather than actual names. But then again, why would you buy a Soviet made car, anyway?
Nowadays though the situation is a little different. Most of the brands are now aquired by Renault and Nissan. At least the new Russian cars are as cheap and well built as Dacia Sanderos
Russian Car Manufacturers
- Marussia: Russian supercar manufacturer. I don't even want to know.
- Dartz: Known for making the most expensive SUVs on the planet. Powered by AMG engines, these monstrosities are the definition of excessive. Still not sure? WHALE PENIS LEATHER SEATS.
- Lada: Basically makes all the cars in Russia that aren't Kia Sportages or stolen Mercedes. 99.9% of Ladas are Cold War era Soviet models that haven't changed a bit since they first came to market.
- UAZ: Basically the same as Lada but they primarily make trucks and vans. Just as shit if you hadn't already figured that out.
Spanish cars
Since Seat is owned by VW, no Spanish car exists. It's German.
Spanish Car Manufacturers
- Seat: Pronounced "SE-AHT" not "Seat" you fucking degenerate. As stated above, Seat only makes rebadges of Volkswagens therefore no Spanish car exists.
Swedish Cars
Aside from Saab and Volvo, they're impossible to spell but mindfuckingly fast. Mainly because they're built with American engines. Typical Swedish car features include:
- Dihedral Synchro-Helix Actuation Doors
- Auto-stopping
- a Swedish Meatball maker
- BORK BORK BORK!
- Free ABBA/Basshunter/Robyn CDs
Swedish cars are good for one thing though
Swedish Car Manufacturers
- Saab: Dead. Maybe. Nobody really seems to know. Right now the brand seems to be traded around and ass fucked by a bunch of different companies nowadays with no cars having been made.
- Volvo: Owned by the Chinese but that hasn't affected them too much because both parties are probably aware that Chinese and Volvo do not go hand in hand. Expensive and pretty bland but also a poor choice for killing yourself in. Volvos are fucking tanks.
- Koenigsegg: Makes fast as fuck supercars that are infinitely better than the ugly as fuck Veyron. Also known for "Dihedral Synchro-Helix Actuation Doors" just to rub it in your face that you're poor and you can't have cool shit.
Types of Cars
Convertibles
Convertibles are for the person who likes to show off his money. Most convertibles are purchased by old men in the midst of their mid-life crisis, or raging Homosexuals (see: the Mazda Miata or the VW New Beetle). They're stylish to be seen in, but you're not stylish if you own one.
Coupes
Coupes are cars for people who got to the dealership and had a big "wat" appear over their heads. They couldn't get a sedan because it was too boring, they couldn't afford a sports car, they thought that hatchbacks were too Eurotrashy, and convertibles were too gay, so they just got a two-door sedan. Coupes are basically the median point of the automotive world, and overall more desirable due to their sporty appearance. It should be said though, that a coupe has most of the same mechanical components from a boring sedan, and thus it will not always perform as good as it looks.
Electric/Hybrid Cars
Invented at least 100 years ago, electric vehicles are POW POW POWER WHEELS for adults (aka fatter kids with bills). Ancientfags would recognize them as model trains or slotcars for adults. EVs are vehicles that have no internal combustion engine so they fail at gassing Jews, suicides, improving the Beijing skyline, or terraforming Earth for the lizard people. But they do have the added benefit of being silent but deadly road assassins.
They more than likely require nothing more than good old electricity and have a metric ton of batteries inside of them. The most common on planet Earth; the Reva G-Wiz i, has the top speed of 30mp/h and can only go 40 miles or so on a full charge. They're expensive to run, and if you run out of power it takes between 8-12 hours to recharge. More often than not they're also unsafe, ugly, and simply dreadful to own. However, Tesla is certainly changing things up in California; basing their first creation- the Tesla Roadster- off of a Louts Elise, and giving it power to run faster than one. At a starting cost of $109,000, it had damn well better. At least nissan's making a car called the leaf which is about 4 times cheaper than the tesla and can go 100 miles on a single charge and has a top speed of about 65 mph. The only bad thing about it is that is loooks like a piece of shit.
Hybrid Cars are a bit of a different story. Sure they've got the electric power to get you going, but they've also got a normal gasoline/diesel/biofuel/USI engine to boot, giving you power and economy. This idea was perpetuated in the late 90s by Toyota, with their offering of the Prius. At the time there wasn't much efficiency to it, but in 2002 things changed and Prius II came along, and showed Greenpeace that hybrids were indeed cool. The Bush Crisis in Iraq happened, and the Prius was suddenly viewed more valuable than gold, alcohol, drugs and virginity all in one sitting. People in other offices caught word and Ford put out its two options, the SUV Escape and the ever-fun Fusion; both hybrids. Chrysler tried miserably and failed with its only offering, a mild-hybrid extra large luxury SUV, the Aspen Hybrid. The General tried its best with some mild-hybrid SUVs, and gave Saturn, its yuppie division, a hybrid sedan and compact SUVs; both were just renamed European models. The hybrid wars wage on, with Government Motors launching its electric-driven hybrid, the Chevy Volt in 2010, and Honda has begun to launch the Insight2.0 in 'murrica. Steer clear. Luxury companies like Lexus, Mercedes-Benz and BMW have their own ranges of hybrid vehicles, but again, steer clear. Hybrids are best suited towards a lot of stop and start city driving, and are not truly useful on highways. They are however, quite useful for looking like a complete tool.
Hatchbacks/Station Wagons
Hatchbacks are favored by Europeans, liberals, and vegetarians, who like the fact that the back seats fold down to allow for lots of gay, pedophiliac sex and drug use. They also love that their hatchbacks get 500 kilometers to the liter, since they're all treehugging leftards. To maximize this economy, they drive ploddingly slow. This is called "hypermiling" or "being an inconsiderate jackass". Ironically, this kind of driving not only irritates everyone else, it causes those in less efficient cars to accelerate hard to get around the jerk, thus negating any overall fuel efficiency.
Station wagons were popular back in the good old days when people fucked like jackrabbits and had shitloads of kids. Thus, a large ass vehicle with a small block V8 was required to haul them around, after folding metal chairs were added, of course. Nowadays, 'wagons' are built mainly for single metrosexuals, and come with four cylinder engines.
Luxury Cars
Luxury is a mindset, and if your mind is fixated on caviar, dripping jewels and super models, you can't NOT be seen in a luxury car. Names like Mercedes-Benz, Bentley, Rolls-Royce, Cadillac, Lincoln, Lexus, and Infiniti define the luxury world. Others include BMW, Audi and of course, Alfa-Romeo. Beauty, safety and convenience are things a luxury car are never without, as most can rub your balls with the push of a button. They are extremely expensive and have a lot of really unique features, always trimmed in wood, dead cow and fluffy carpets. There is a luxury hierarchy that must be followed, and it's proportionate to the window sticker's price tag. The more you spend, the more luxury you get, or so they make you think. Cars like the Lexus RX series; a largely popular over-sized and under-powered station wagon, are not truly luxurious, as their brand and high price suggest.
Pickup Trucks
The Pickup, or as 'murricans say, Truck, is an extremely inefficient, large, bulky vehicle that is ultimately an SUV with a separate, uncovered storage compartment behind the second row of seats. Pickup Trucks are most commonly sold in America, in developing nations, and in Australia called Utes. Their primary function is to carry large, bulky objects; such as tools for building, fixing and mending and your mom and thus are desired mainly by the working class; ie: Mexicans, day laborers, and contractors. They were designed to be rugged, and were for many years, until SUVs came into the world.
The Pickup Truck became quite the pinnacle of luxury in the mid 2000s, when Cadillac released the Escalade EXT, a Chevy Avalanche styled to look like a standard Escalade. At a sale price of $68,000, the EXT was found in every episode of MTV's "Cribs" and was perhaps arguably the most ostentatious failure ever.
A variety of pickup truck commonly known as a "bro-dozer" is essentially any pickup, preferably a diesel, cheaply lifted with shitty rims and big offroad tires that make more road noise than the coal rolling exhaust system itself. Afterwards, a shitty paintjob and lots of Autozone chrome bits are added along with a light bar that never gets turned on for obvious reasons. Bro-dozers cannot off road since it would likely break their shitty suspension setup and get the truck dirty because you know, having a clean truck totally isn't the sign of a poser.
Sedans
Everyone and their mom owns a sedan. Sedans have four doors with a trunk. They can be expensive or cheap, slow or fast, but they all have some things in common: they're more boring than a sports car, less useful than a hatchback, and end up being worth less than a convertible when you go to sell it. Basically, the perfect car for pathetic failures. Sedans are the most common vehicle on the road.
Sports Cars
Sports cars are primarily intended for people who wish that they were race car drivers but aren't skilled enough to drive a race car. Despite this, most sports cars get purchased by people who don't actually care about driving, but want to look like they spent a lot of money on their car, most commonly occurs with BMW M series indeed cost a lot of money, although you're right about the people who drive them.
Muscle Cars
Muscle cars are an American offspring of traditional sports coupes that trade real handling and performance for nothing but raw power and top speed. High displacement V8 engines that get shit gas mileage are mounted into a big, heavy two door body made to look as masculine as possible for the sole purpose of making a lot of noise and making the driver look like the douchebag he is. Unlike regular sports coupes, muscle cars cannot handle. Any road isn't a straight line will cause the car to immediately spin out and take out a crowd of people. Despite the common knowledge that muscle cars are unsafe, American car manufacturers continue to churn out new versions with even more powerful engines, such as the 707 horsepower Challenger Hellcat for no fucking reason at all unless Dodge, Ford, and Chevy have a secret Darwinist plan to exterminate rednecks via natural selection.
Also worth nothing that if a muscle car has anything other than a V8 in it, it's no longer considered a true muscle car or as people outside of America view it; still shit.
SUVs
An SUV, or "Soft Utilitarian Vehicle", is a large boxy vehicle driven most commonly by rich, white-collar business criminals and Botox-filled soccer moms in the suburban sprawl. With their large V8 engines and all wheel drive, most would agree that these vehicles are best suited towards outdoorsy activities, like trailing or towing a boat; however, they are most commonly found at your local Wal-Mart in the handicapped parking space, loading up on bulk Chef Boyardee, fryer grease and cheap LCD TVs. The average McFatty Americunt finances their $52,000 "luxury" through a Jew, and thus it is not even owned by them. Famous SUVs include the Cadillac Escalade, Range Rover Sport HSE and of course, the Ford Exploder.
Crossovers
Unlike regular SUVs like a Chevy Shitburban, crossovers are not truck based, not body on frame and are built on sedan platforms with a unibody design. This was done to appeal to soccer moms who didn't want something that handled like the alcoholic father's F-150, sort of like a middle ground between a minivan and a regular SUV. As a result they are completely useless off road compared to body on frame SUVs despite the bullshit "rugged" appearance used to woo outgoing millenials who in reality don't even know what dirt looks like, but no matter because nobody takes SUVs off road anymore. The added ride height makes them more of a pain in the ass for kids opposed to a station wagon or minivan. Also being built on sedan platforms, you'd like to think they handle like a sedan too until the added ride height paired and top heavy body rolls you into a ditch when you go around a corner.
Interestingly enough being the dumbasses most car buyers are, when gas got cheap again crossover sales dramatically spiked because of the mindset "bigger vehicle means worse gas mileage" even though crossovers typically get only marginally worse MPG compared to their sedan counterparts. When gas gets expensive again, mom is going to want to sell her all of a sudden "gas guzzling Toyota Highlander" and buy a fucking Camry for no goddamn reason at all. Crossovers are shit and the people who buy them are idiots, end of story.
Tanks
Tanks are used to blow up indigenous villages and run over Chinese people when they get out of line.
- Excellent for playing "war".
- You need to get one.
- Perfect for getting revenge on all those pinheads on the zoning board.
- Use your tank to protect yourself from those Palestinian protesters throwing rocks.
- DO IT NOW.
Vans
Vans (sometimes V&) come in two sizes: "mini" (your average American family; 3 kids and a dog) and "full-sized" (12 seats - great for the average Christian American family). Minivans are popular among moms who don't want to look like MILFs, and among Christian families who like to engage in family sing alongs on their way to church. Full-sized vans are also popular among - surprise! - pedophiles, plumbers and of course, the FBI. Vans will always have at least one insane person inside, likely in the back.
Driving Your Car
On Road Courtesy
Although Britney Spears would have you believe otherwise, shaving your head does not allow you to attempt to run over people, even if they are paparazzi with no souls. Although tempting, it is illegal to use your car to hit pedestrians. The reason for this is you may incur expensive panel damage to your car.
Once behind the wheel of a car, it is important to be courteous to other motorists. To avoid slowing traffic down and creating an accident, you should change lanes quickly and without looking or indicating. In fact the quicker you change lanes the better, ideally you should aim to change lanes so fast that the passengers in your car are unaware that it has happened. To do this effectively you should offer no warning and do no checks before violently snapping the steering wheel in the direction you want to go and snapping it back to level up, after this just act casual. If the car behind is upset with you apologize by giving them the (highway code approved) drivers sign. Open the window and hold up your fist with your middle finger showing. Then repeatedly slam on the brakes to indicate that you are sorry. Lastly, always try to have a good buzz going before you get behind the wheel, the roads can be stressful; why not loosen up for everyone else's sake?
Car Features
If your car has been purchased within the last few years it may come with a variety of modern innovative features.
- Windows, where installed, are necessary to allow your passengers to easily bark at pedestrians for the lulz.
- Race Signals, usually incorrectly called "Hazard Lights", are installed so you can communicate your intention to race a fellow motorist in a "Random Battle".
- Indicators are fitted to both sides of your car, so that you are able to confuse fellow motorists, thus creating an opportunity to change lanes.
- A stereo system may come fitted to allow you to draw attention to the fact that you like Drum N Bass
- A handbrake is commonly misused as a "Parking Brake", but its real purpose is to allow a skilled driver to Drift
Transmission
Ability to operate a manual transmission or Tranny, as they are affectionately known, is one of the key reasons men have larger brains than women. It should be noted that most Americunts CANNOT use cars that have manual transmissions as it is beyond their brain capacity to push down with one foot while simultaneously moving a gear stick at the same time.
How to Drive a Manual Transmission
- Wait for the traffic light to turn to green.
- Depress clutch and shift into first gear.
- Push accelerator completely in, and hold at maximum engine revs so VTEC KICKS IN!!11!
- Release handbrake and clutch.
- Troll other motorists for lulz with your tire smoke.
- Piss off Al Gore with your tire smoke.
- Win
How to Drive an Automatic Transmission
- Turn on car
- Put into gear
- Get to destination feeling relaxed and pampered
- Put in park
- Turn off car and look smug.
- Incur massive repair expenses.
Gallery
General
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Use this to IRL troll drivers -
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Cars are pretty awesome. -
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Big Bird is the shit. -
America's favorite car -
Furries ruin cars -
Typical female driver. -
Chris Chandler drives a car and so can you. -
Transportation of abnormal cargo may invalidate warranty. -
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aT LEAST MY CAR ISNT A EUNUCH LIKE YOUR CAR YOU FAGGOT -
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Your car sure is a chick magnet! -
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Parking
Spoilers
Formula One/Race Cars
Videos
- How to Overtake a Camper
Previous Video | Next Video
See Also
- JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!
- Honda
- Top Gear
- Pimp My Ride
- Grand Theft Auto
- H-wing
- The Batmobile
- VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
- Ferrari Guy*Ricers
- F40PH
- Airplane
- Motorcycle
- Mad Max (Game)
- Burt Reynolds The Bandit
| Featured article October 4, 2005 | ||
| Preceded by Dinosaur |
Lincoln Continental | Succeeded by I did it for the lulz |
