Brisbane
Brisbane City is a post-modern terrorist target located on the eastern coast of Australia. Brisbane was designed by Michael J. Fox with an etch-a-sketch, resulting in the the most confusing labryinth of one-way roads, roundabouts and traffic congestion since the Internet. Just like the Internet, Brisbane is full of Emos, Fags, Trolls, Retards, Pedobear, shit Musicians, pretentious Hipster kids and overly forceful Police, whilst lacking completely in girls.
For decades, Brisbane was mocked as being a "big country town" by the parasites living in Sydney and Melbourne. This was until word reached them down south by carrier pidgeon that Brisbane was as economically viable as both Sydney and Melbourne. and the residents of Australia could enjoy a peaceful life without paying through the ass to rent a shit house in Regents Park. Also, the lack of murderous motorcycle gangs and Lebanese street wars was a draw card.
Brisbane, and the nearby city of the Gold Coast also have perfect weather. Not that this is relevant to you, seeing as you haven't seen the sun in many years.
Culture
Brisbane city is an expansive hub for art fags and musician types alike. There are several major faclities in the CBD purposely built to store and encourage the next generation of batshit insane ear choppers and shotgun mouth-washers.
KKK
All of Brisbane society is centred around the KKK. There are no minorites in Brisbane because the KKK is still enforcing the White Australia Policy. On sight they will immediately relocate them to a retreat in Musgrave Park, Sunnybank or Moorooka. Eyeryone else in Australia also hates kills niggers and azns but not as much as Brisbane.
Drinking
The most popular act of culture in Brisbane city is the renowned team sport and local past time of getting completely and totally TDTF off the local beer.
The Castlemaine Brewery at Milton is a pride of sorts for the Brisbane residents. The Brewery is at least 100 years old and still pumps out the most God awful, piss stain of a beer the world has even known, XXXX beers.
There also used to a be a bar/mircobrewery in the city called the Brewhouse. This place was epic win, known for it's huge venue, great views and in-house brewed Stouts, Lagers, Cloudy's and even a 100% wheat beer. It has since been shut down due to the Queensland policy of destroying anything good.
Some of the more notable beers from The Brewhouse are:
Bulldog Cloudy Ale - 4.1% of a full bodied, aromatic, fruity glass of liquid win. A perfect beer for any occasion, from huge celebrations to crippling depression. Similar to Hoegaarden.
Moonlight Porter - Won awards for looking like a glass of frosty blood. Very light in hops, making it a favorite of Wine-o's and Beer Nazis. Similar to Tooheys Old.
Sunshine Wheat - A 100% pure wheat beer, using Australian bush honey instead of cane sugar in the fermentation process. Really a delight to drink, and a true shame that it's not around anymore. Similar to nothing you will ever taste.
Star Lager - A very classic Australian Lager, dry and clean. Similar to Tooheys Extra Dry, Hahn Super Dry.
Midnight Extra Stout - Affectionately known as the Bitch Killer. The heaviest stout this side of the Atlantic. Similar to Kilkenny or Tar.
Fallen Star - Imagine a crisp mid-strength lager and a dry smooth pilsner fucking without a condom. Fast forward 9 months and drink their delicious baby. Similar to Coopers Pilsner.
Music
Brisbane was named the 5th best city in the world by someone in the business, and has a lot of bands and artists. Brisbane used to be home to such great venues like Festival Hall, The Arena, The Indie Temple, The Zoo, Rosies, Club 299, The Tivoli, and many more. However, thanks to QLD Liquor Licensing, these have now all been either shut down completely, or deemed too expensive to run a band who isn't internationally reknowned.
Brisbaneites enjoy live music, many bands hail from the inner city region of The Valley. Here are some of the more or less notable ones:
- Powderfinger - Softcock emo played by 50 year old hipsters. Powderfinger got their name whilst snorting cocaine off each others balls with an index finger firmly planted inside each members asshole, whilst listening to Bob Dylan or Neil Young or some shit. Their first albums sucked, and so did anything they wrote after Vulture Street. Vulture Street was a good album in the way that getting stabbed in the face is preferable to getting shot in the face.
—Powderfinger discusses STI's | ||
- Savage Garden - Duel homosexual supermen hailing from the fine city of Logan, just south of Brisbane. They came out in the late nineties with crap 80's inspired, introspective, closeted bullshit that was being slaughtered over the radio at the time. Known for being the only people in Australia in the 90's who know what Cherry Coke was. The band is so incredibly piss poor they have to use a shitty public high school recording studio in the middle of Woodridge (Logan) to produce an album.
—Famous Savage Garden lyrics | ||
- The Saints - Old punk rawk. Like, REAL old punk rawk. The Saints think they started punk, and thats all you need to know.
- The Veronicas - The Veronicas entered the bukakae free-for-all that is the Australian music industry in the early 2000's, after writing songs for other artists, the likes of Tatu. The Veronicas got famous because Daddy knew the right people, had the money and sucked a mean cock. Also, the fact that The Veronicas are two reasonably attractive twins who are willing to touch each other doesn't hurt. Starting life in the teen angst emo style, they brought out "The Secret Life of..." which was shit. Then they took a bunch of pills, speed and acid, jumped onto Fruity Loops and recorded "Hook Me Up", which was shit.
—The Veronicas know You too well | ||
- Butterfingers - Hailing from Ipswich, favorite of bogans and scum everywhere, we have Butterfingers. Butterfinger merge the two shittest genres of music possible, punk and rap, to create a sound that can make even the most Prozac fuelled emo An Hero.
—Butterfingers, pretending they get pussy | ||
Politics
The mayor of Brisbane is Campbell Newman, but no one cares about this except people who listen to talkback radio, who are by definition, fucktards. In fact, most of the locals still think that they are still run by the former mayor: Lord Jim. Lord Jim is a former Catholic priest who was excommunicated for having a consenting intimate relationship with a mature adult woman, which of course is a mortal sin in the Catholic Church. Fuck knows why he took up politics if he was getting laid regularly.
To increase economic growth, the new draft city plan proposes that it becomes a "Special Economic Zone" and protectorate of China. This of course is very popular with the leftards and Aboriginals who think that they will get better human rights under a Communist regime.
Brisbane is also the capital of the state Queensland, which is currently run by the Australian Labor Party, who have been keeping the redneck pigs, The Liberal and National Party out of government for 12 years. Not that this was a hard task, due the the infighting and general retards associated with the LNP. The current Premier of Queensland, and therefore the overlord of Brisbane, is a cumdumpster called Anna Bligh.
Anna was brought into power after fat-ass, pedophile and terrible cricket player Peter Beattie left office to eat moar. Since then Anna Blighs' government has been known for giving power to lesbian single mothers and drunk drivers. The state of Queensland went to the polls on March 21st and did the right thing, choosing to keep the current Premier, Anna Bligh, in charge.
There isn't much to say about the Opposition Leader, Springborg, so I'll just let him speak for himself:
—Lawrence Springborg | ||
—A butthurt Borg | ||
In 2003 Lawrence Springborg was asked, "what targets have you set for yourself?" His reply:
—Springborg is retarded | ||
UPDATE: The Borg got head-shotted by Anna Bligh who was clearly using an aimbot, and has since /quit from the leadership. No one knows the new leader of the LNP, because nobody cares.
Transport
Brisbane is blessed with several forms of efficent public transport in the form of Rail, Bus, Ferry and Taxi. The first three mentioned are all run by the money hungry, ass-raping, Jew infected corporation, Translink. Translink is known for changing the ticketing system to cover all modes of transport in one ticket, which is impractical and more expensive than the previous system. They also employ Brisbane's fattest and most retarded wannabe cops as "Transit Officers" or Ticket-ees as they are known by the locals.
Trains
Brisbane's rail network is run by the ex-government owned company, Queensland Rail. The passenger service that QR runs is called CityTrain and runs services from Gympie in the north to the Gold Coast in the south, and as far west as Ipswich. QR's ticket prices are a form of rape. They are calculated with the backwards Zone system. In other words, if you live further away from the city, it will cost you more to travel the same amount of distance as someone who lives inner-city.
QR also likes to fine people for practically anything. This includes:
- Being on QR land.
- Listening to an iPod on a train.
- Attempting to purchase a ticket.
- Falling asleep on a train.
QR also employs over 100 Transit Officers, who patrol the rail network being supreme faggots and fining people for no reason. They also now have the power to beat the living fuck out of you! These people are the lowest of gutter scum and should be beaten by angry mobs on sight. In fact, this is already happening. Kudos, good people!
Tunnels and Shit
For a city that calls itself The River City, they fucking hate their river. This is proven by building hundreds of river crossings and tunnels so they don't have to deal with that shit. The river itself is polluted to all fuck and infested with sharks. The newest tunnel in Brisbane, the Clem 7, was recently completed and failed as the best new thing EVAR by current Lord Mayor Campbell Newman. Well, 3 months on and no one uses the fucking thing, proving to be [[ACMA|another waste of tax payer money and dead kangoeroes.
Suburbs
Some of Brisbane's suburbs have been given unique Aboriginal names:
- Albany Creek: "Creek of bogans,
blacksstoners and KFC." - Indooroopilly: "Creek of leeches."
- Yeerongpilly: "Creek of mosquitoes."
- Beenleigh: "Creek of Wigger Wasteland."
- Illeagleby: "Creek of Aboriginal Wasteland."
- Kingston: "Creek of Aboriginal and Wigger Wasteland."
- Bulimba: "Creek of Anorexic White Girl."
- Bracken Ridge: "Creek of Paint Sniffing."
- Inala: "Creek of Rape and Vietnamese."
- Ipswich: "Creek of USI."
- Woodridge: "Creek of Ghettolink."
- Loganlea: "Creek of Bogan Cumdumpster Trash"
- Browns Plains: "Creek of The Dump (aka) Aboriginal Burial Site"
- Sunnybank: "Creek Of Ruve-you-rongtime"
- Crestmead: "Creek of Nimrods and Inbreds"
- Ascot: "Creek of Pretentious fuckwits with wasted private school educations"
- Banyo: "Curry Creek"
- Runcorn: "Creek of Multiculturalism."
- Westlake: "Creek of Richcunts and Jews"
- Darra: "Creek of poor bogans and gooks"
- Inala: "Creek of Abos and Viets / Creek of District 9"
- Forest Lake: "Creek of moar islanders and gooks"
- Moorooka: "Creek of niggers"
- Acacia Ridge: "Creek of moar niggers"
The Southside
The inner south suburbs of Yeronga, Annerley, Holland Park and Moorooka are all part of the Democratic Republic of Nigger Brisbane. The amount of niggers in these suburbs has risen to the level of plague proportions, thanks to the local Annerley KFC offering employment to the monkey problem. You can also thank the government for the Arab plague in Holland Park, once a friendly neighbourhood, now an Iraqi, Leb and Dot-Head warzone. One favorite pastime of the white locals is a game called spot the Aussie, currently no one is yet to win.
Fun things to do in The Southside:
- Shoot the nigger on my lawn.
- Rape the white woman.
- Find my TV. Hint: Check your local Cash Converters
- Swim in the clean Logan River with its friendly Bull Sharks and deadly snakes.
- Ride the Translink buses and trains with your friendly local Islanders, black person, Junkies and Chinks.
- Drink Goon/Passionpop in local parks like Woodridge Police Park with the local Aboriginal elders and get pwned by Islanders for the lulz.
- Go late night shopping at Hyperdome, BrownStains, Carindale, Garbage City and Indooroopilly and enjoy many of the metrosexuals that plague the malls. With their cum-spiked blonde hair, and supercool fluro V-neck shirts, (stolen from their faggot fathers' collection from back in the 80's. Garden City, however, offers a wide selection of classy ethnic ladies on Thursday nights for your personal entertainment.
- Sunday markets are prevalent in the poorer suburbs of the southside (Logan City) but you don't care because it would seem you own a computer, placing you above this shit.
- The Skids; every Friday/Saturday night hordes of inbred, half-caste Aboriginals come together to compare their new Holden Kingswood's.
- Logan City Art Centre, home to many great, cheap, toilet paper styles.
- Logan Entertainment Centre is home to some of the worst shows and tribal performances since Bert Newton's "The Don Lane Show"
- Browns Stains Landfill, the best place to dump the Aboriginals that make the daring move to walk upon your property.
The suburb of Sunnybank and surrounding areas, are notorious for being a province of China. It is advisable that you stay away at all times as you will either get lynched or raped by the azn gangs in the car park of McDonald's, or you will be hit by cars over 9,000 times, since no one here can actually drive.
Should this happen, you will doubtlessly be a victim of rape, as the most horrendous social faux pas in Sunnybank is to damage the azns' pimped Nissan Skylines.
Heading further south is not advisable, as you will find yourself in Logan. Logan and surrounding areas such as Woodridge, Beenleigh and Springwood are populated entirely by gang banging, shiv toting, fish and chup eating beached whales known as Islanders. Islanders are always fat, although the women are fatter, and often mistaken for men. They like to hang around the one shopping center in Logan harassing the elderly and threatening people with their "Cuzin's bru".
On the south west you have Inala. It is the poorest suburb in Brisbane. No one knows what it is like because no one has ever come out alive. However, close to Inala is the suburb of Forest Lake which is comprised of a Forest and Lake (go figure). Compared to that shit heap referred to as Inala, Forest Lake shits gold and pisses rainbows. It is hypothesised by scholars that close to the settlement of Inala there is a mystical land known as Darra, in which azns live along side poor-ass wiggers. No evidence exists to support these outlandish claims, however there is a wall extending from the settlement of Oxley (also known as Pauline-Hansonland) through Sinnamon Park, Jamboree Heights and Middle Park, ending at Riverhills. This wall is guarded by an ancient order known as "Ordvs Keepvs Outvs Azns".
The Northside
North of the river you have the Wigger wastelands of Alderley, Stafford and Slutwytch. These are your typical white trash, middle class, recession-raped neighbourhoods. The northern suburb of Windsor is known for its rough-ass pub and junkies that hang outside the 7-11 on Slutwytch Road.
Closer to the city, is the student and homosexual infested, bohemian, yuppie 'burbs of Fortitude Valley, New Farm and Myrthyr. Every house in this place houses over 9000 anarchist Queensland University of Technology (read: SuperTafe) students, alcoholic Starbucks workers, and hopeful musicians.
Great things to do on the Northside:
- Shoot the wigger on my patch of 1m X 1m lawn.
- Fight the bikies at the local Irish themed pub.
- Fuck your sister.
- A barrel roll.
- Make moonshine.
- Sit on the bus looking moody listening to Eminem and writing your own hardcore rap lyrics to show up that cocky nigger at the next PCYC rap battle.
- An hero.
- Murder an entire family of Dotheads.
- Steal ATM's.
Central Brisbane
Brisbane's main street is Queen Street, but the feral, uneducated inhabitants of Brisbane commonly referred to it as FUCKINGQUEENSTREET. Queen Street is currently in grips of the emo epidemic. They call themselves the "Hungrys" as they hang outside Hungry Jacks are all homeless, inbred retards who get fed less than the pidgeons that shit on them. If seen, one should beat them to death. Every bloodied ear will earn you a free ice-cream cone from Copenhagen in the Myer Centre.
Protip: They are often found outside Hungry Jacks, TTP park drinking goon and also over at Area58 (more commonly known as 'Asian Photos') being the cocksucking camwhores they really are. Bring hammers.
Brisfags also maintain a high regard for Fortitude Valley. In truth, there is no valley. It is home, almost exclusively, to bogans, white trash, musicians, prostitutes, wiggers and Aboriginal people black cunts. Savour the stench of metho, decaying fecal matter, and piss. Commonly overheard in this district are "Got any change bruu", "Turn the radio DOWNNN", "Nigga, what?", "ey white cunt! what you fucking looking at?", "ey mate ya got a durry bro?" and "plois esplain?".
Famous people
Believe it or not, some talent has come out of Brisbane, including Australia's current LOL GILLARD-TINED Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. he comes from the Sunshine Coast not Brisbane Cuntsniff
Some of Brisbane's more notable exports are:
- PowderFinger: Old emos hailing from the Southbank area who sing songs about happiness.
- The BeeGees: Even Older emos who sold their testicles to the devil for fame.
- Savage Garden: A pair of homosexuals from Logan.
- Air Supply: Shit no one cares about.
- The Veronicas: Twin wog skanks from the Northside, they attended Wavell High and anyone that knew them knows they're cum dribbling whores. Daddy got them famous, now they sing songs about being taken on the floor. Jess, the hotter of the two, is also a lesbian. Go figure.
- John Birmingham: Originally from Liverpool, England, this batshit insane and engimatic author was brought up in Ipswich. He has written several books but most relevantly, He Died With A Felafel In His Hand and The Tasmanian Babes Fiasco, both of which tell the tales of his sharehousing experiences in Brisbane, such as nailing a goat's head to a wall. He wishes he was Hunter S. Thompson.
- Dennis Ferguson: Everyone's favourite kiddy-fiddler.
- Kevin Rudd (Ruddkipz): Everyone's favourite communist leader. -see above.
- Joseph Fritzl: The worlds greatest Dad, 2008.
- Adolph Hitler: Humanitarian, circa 1938.
- S3RL: Happy Hardcore DJ. Responsible for providing the backing music for over 9000 MDMA related deaths.
The Brisbane Lesbian Vampires' Killings
In 1989 in the inner city suburb of West End, two fat lesbian vampires lured 47-year-old Edward Baldock with offers of buttsecks and then proceded to stab him in the neck, nearly severing his head. One of the accused, Tracey Wiggington then started to drink the mans blood.
Rowers found Baldocks naked, maimed and lifeless corpse near the South Brisbane Rowing Club the next day. Police arrested Wiggington after a credit card in her name was found in the dead mans shoe.
In 1991 she was sentenced to life imprisonment along with her co-accused girlfriend Lisa Ptachinski, who, as of the 22nd April 2009, has been released from her Farm Jail out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Rumours that Wiggington would be released as well were responded to by the Queensland State Government with the following statement:
But then again, not only did they previously let free notorious pedophile Dennis Ferguson by not convicting him, they also paid for him to live in peace, using police time and resources to protect him. So what's the deal with letting free another Satanic Batshit insane Vampire wannabe Bulldyke?
Brisbane Zombie Walk '08
On May 25th 2008, a idea was spread on the Internet which caused all types of online faggots to leave the basements that they have dwelled in for some time to go outside for some stupid reason. Cosplayers everywhere converged on the Brisbane CBD dressed as Zombies. There were over 1500 zombie walkers that day, stopping traffic and causing butthurt for shop owners, who complained of "zombie damage" and customers being scared.
There has been a fair share of OL drama resulting from the Zombie walks. Responsible for most of it is mouth frothing nerds talking general bullshit about Dawn of the Dead. However one notable flame war involving the walks was about the vocabulary of the Zombie (which, ironically is much more complex than that of the adverage Zombie Walker).
The rules of the Zombie walk state that whilst a Zombie walker is in character, he or she must remain true to the Zombie way of doing things. This included:
- No cellphones
- No bikes, cars, buses, ferries, trains, trams or horse drawn carriages.
- No eating
- No drinking
But the one that got the most shit was; No speaking any human languages.
Pretty simple to understand, right? Well, when nerds, fags and emos come together in the one place shit gets fucked. Basically the mother of all OL wars started because in some movies the Zombies uttered the word BRAINS!.
Die hard Zombie walkers insisted this was against the rules, and therefore doing so during the walk would involve IRL cannibalism. The fight raged on until the day of the walk, where the rules of nature prevailed and all brave Keyboard Warriors who fought for the abolishment of BRAINS! simply didn't have the balls to say anything IRL.
The local newspapers failed to mention the Zombie Walk, in an attempt to stop it continuing. Needless to say, each year there is a smaller, shittier and less memorable amount of butthurt.
To the surprise of many, it actually went ahead, to the surprise of none, it was shit. Good work, morans.
Apparently it happened. Scientists are still analyzing the data.
Nightlife
Brisbane City likes to pride itself on its unique underground music culture and vivid nightclub scene. Brisbaneites are so certain that they are the Australian capital of gettin' on down, that they created Australia's very first Entertainment Precinct in Fortitude Valley, dispite the 3am Lock-out law which prohibits anyone re-entering a venue after 3am. This was the direct cause of epic amounts of BAWWW from residents of the Valley about the noise from a million dollar nightclub industry that Brisbane's local economy relies on, interrupting their sleep.
Brisbane is home to many nightclubs frequented by everyone from Emos to Guidos.
- The Beat - Brisbanes biggest faggot infested, MDMA fuelled, cesspool. Opened at least 100 years ago, The Beat is a two story cum stain, filled to the brim with Ravers, Faggots, Furfags, Fag-hags, Police and small time drug dealers.
- The Cassie - The Cassie, or the Treasury Casino, is where people from all walks of life go to put their hard earned cash into little boxes and then walk out feeling better about themselves. The only place in town you can return to after 3am. Great for picking up 40 year old women drunk off the fumes of the Daiquiri soaked carpet.
- Rosie's - The only known haunt of Brisbane b-tards. Rosie's started life as a pretentious High Fashion club where you had to know someone to get in. Then it became The Brisbane Underground, a pretentious, Guido ridden dance club where you had to know someone/have a million bitches in your group to get in. After that it was turned into Club Phoenix, a pretentious metal bar where you had to know someone with dreadlocks to get in. Finally, it was bought out and turned into Rosie's Live, a pretentious Scene club where you have to know someone to get in slightly cheaper (there are over 9000 door lists, the most used being TDTF, Noise Theory, Blam Modeling and Mark Basa).
As aforementioned, Rosie's is a common hangout for b-tards, and one can commonly hear the odd meme being drunkenly discussed.
- Club 299 - Rosie's with more goths and less heterosexual sex. Although Jew and attempts to become a more mainstream venue have left most of the original crowd avoiding this place like the goddamn plague.
- The Victory - The best insurance job evar. Was burnt down by its criminal owners so they could claim insurance and refurbish the Heritage Listed building.
- The Normanby Hotel - The hotel itself is large, modern, well maintained and has a beautiful beer garden. However the kind of scum that this place attracts is enough to lose faith in humanity.
- Ceasars - Brisbane City's favorite black person club! A great place to get gang-raped by Arabs.
- The Family - The club, that people who don't know shit about clubs, think is trendy because the bouncers will ALWAYS refuse you entry, unless you have over 9000 girls in your group. But you'll never even have one trap emo hanging off your arm, so don't even bother.
- Ric's - Full of Hipsters, has a balcony you can't smoke on and does a killer $4 Bacon and Eggs.
- The Empire - More indie madness situated on 3 levels. Used to be called the Super Deluxe.
- TTP - Brisbane's biggest underage nightclub, Tom Tyler Park is loved by the homeless, emo kids, piss blind drunk cunts and other black person. Found just up the hill from Roma St. Station, one can find a mass of emos drinking Goon there on most nights.
Bring condoms.
Beware, attending any of the above locations, or being outside past curfew (6pm) will result in being tased 27 times and having 8 ribs broken by the friendly guardians of the Gestapo Queensland State Police
Tony Abbott could stop the floods! moar liek Kevin Rudd would have stopped the flood amirite
If 15 is the official police death toll, just wait till the water's receded and had a look in the mud.
What's the best way to get a fat abo to exercise? Throw a bottle of metho into floodwater.
What's the best way to describe Rockhampton when it's flooded? Alice Springs on a good day.
What do you call a flood with a strong current with dead abos floating down it? A Mudslide.
