Borderlands
Borderlands (moar like Boredomlands, AMIRITE?) is a ground-breaking game concept - take Fallout 3, but make the combat more like Halo and World of Warcraft, add a randomizing technology à la Diablo II, use Team Fortress 2 graphics, steal character concepts from Killzone, Gears of War and 80's slasher movies, then give it a Mad Max thematic, complete with a lawless planet filled with generic violent deranged dipshits, add cell shading to cover up poor graphics, and finally, suck out any innovation. Clearly, this is a masterpiece. The only reason anyone bought this game is because they thought it was an expansion to the original game, Fallout 3. What they got was LOTSA FUCKIN' PURDY GUNZ!!! Since its release, the game has sold 4.5 million units worldwide, proving once and for all that running around with a machine gun shooting random pedestrians on a street is healthy to the environment.
Plot
—Borderlands, don't forget your Pip-Boy. | ||
Fallo... excuse me, Borderla... ah, who the fuck are we kidding? Let's face it, it's just Oblivion with guns, minus Oblivion. Anyway, the game places you in the role of a mercenary you will never care about with a background story close to nonexistent, on the anarchic and godforsaken planet of Pandora, after it was somehow successfully turned into a desert and stripped clean of any gigantic fury-blue Native American fucks. Driven by the unselfish purpose of getting rich, you're set on a quest to find a legendary shitload of powerful alien technology in a manhole known as "The Vault". You play as one of the "Vault Hunters", looking for a hidden cache of treasure.
Of course, it goes without saying that the whole game just leads up to the opening of a vault and resisting rape by emptying three cargo ships of ammo in a dumbass tentacle-blob-alien that got itself trapped in there years ago. No treasure, no weapons, just a titanic jello-monster with disproportionate limbs to spray at with all your innovative guns. (BTW - SPOILERS!)
Gameplay
The concept of this game can be summarized in one line:
Shoot > Kill > Find New Gun > Shoot > Kill > Find New Gun
If you can pass the next test you are ready to play this game.
Complete the missing elements:
Shoot > ... > Find New Gun > ... > Kill > ...
If you passed, congratulations! You are now a qualified Gibbon monkey.
WARNING! You're all idiots.
Playing this game is like taking a ten-hour-long shit after eating a tray full of nails and razorblades. The only thing you'll like about the whole experience is when it finally ends. The more sadomasochistic people out there will probably try to finish it, but the whole process can be summarized by shoving a glass jar up your ass and waiting for it to break. Everything looks like a bombed-out desert with tent-cities. Every time you get killed because your shield ran out too fast, you respawn at a "New-U Station", which not only charges you money every time you spawn, but makes you go broke after about four times you die, plus it mocks your newly added third nipple and shrunken penis as a premium bonus.
After stealing everything from Fallout 3, you'd think Gearbox Software would at least steal the most useful part of that game, which is the fast traveling system - nope. Instead they decided to be dimwits and create these random terminals you have to walk to and manually access, in spots they believed to be useful, but unsurprisingly they placed them in the most impractical and counterproductive spots possible, rather than just having it on you at all times.
DLCs
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TL;DR - LOTSA NEW FUCKIN' PURDY GUNZ!!!
As with any cash-cow, Queerbox Software was bound to release a few hundred things for outrageous prices and for next to no redeemable gameplay value, to fuel the collective autism of their buyers. As expected, the development process involved ripping off numerous successful franchises and mix them in an amalgamation of shit, because idiots buy anything.
- Zombie Island of Dr. Ned
The first DLC for the game is based off horror movie cliches, used as a cheap excuse to make the laziest shit as fast as possible. What ended up happening was a cross between Left 4 Dead zombies and a few Resident Evil crows for good measure. The game contains Frankensteins and "Were-Skags", which are exactly like they sound - werewolves made out of bug-dogs and people. Anyway, the actual plot-line involves helping "Dr Ze" - er, I mean "Ned", with the outbreak of zombies, which he created over some hissy fit he had because people kept stealing his popcorn all the damn time. At first it's annoying, tedious, and completely the same as playing the main game, aka rubbish. What a fucking surprise. Then, the Crimson Lance zombies make an appearance, and you're forced into a five-minute firefight with an endless horde of vomiting pseudo-zombie dipshits, until you finally escape in a missile-shaped escape pod, with a lot of fuck-you banter in the process. Oh, and then some shit happens in a lumber yard, and you "meet" Shaggy and Scooby, fight a giant zombified "Dr. Ned", and other things that really don't do anything but give you more experience and a few cool weapons. Clearly, the best content ever made.
The second DLC, is, not surprisingly, a rip-off of Mad Max as well as other games - namely, Gears of War and Doom. You need to have a shitload of active friends online to play it to the full benefit. "Mad Moxxi", a female character based on the utmost definition of a whore (for some reason), decided she wanted to be a boss of her own gang. But, she didn't want just any gang; she wanted some of the biggest, baddest, ballsiest bastards to join her running crew. So, in the snowy hell-pits and crater-loaded-death-hills of this already butt-ugly planet, you and your friends must shoot things to gain control of the GRAETEST ARENA EVAR! You get decent armor this time around, but you'll probably sell that for rock and keep playing games of "Find the Siren".
- The Secret Whorehouse of General Fagg
The third DLC basically gives you moar vehicles, moar guns, and moar wide open landscapes with absolutely nothing in them except for Half-Life rip-offs. The story revolves around some bitch called Athena who decides she doesn't want to suck Crimson Lance dicks anymore, so she runs away from some guy called General Knoxx, her pimp. Knoxx goes and sends his other bitches to get her back, but then she gets caught by some guy named "Skank" - even though she had a fucking teleporter, what a dumb bitch. You kill Skank and help her get away for some reason. Sometime afterwards you go to Knoxx, who went emo and is about to become an hero. Anyways, you kill him. Then you only have 3 minutes to enjoy his whorehouse. That's pretty much it. You find out that Moxxi is Scooter's mom, Skank is her second husband and Marcus is her third. Also you get to fight a Giant Enemy Crab at the end. Like seriously. A giant fucking crab.
- Craptrap's Failed Robot Revolution
The fourth DLC, gives you even more shitty guns, and you face Hyperion's version of the Crimson Lance. It was broken on release and it took about a month to get patched. You couldn't level up, you couldn't get any of the achievements/trophies, and it showed you every quest that the morons you played online with hadn't finished, making it impossible to find your own among the spam of shitty low level missions. A ninja Claptrap (which is even more fail than the regular ones) comes to Pandora and unites the Claptraps in a revolt, and they take over every bad guy you've killed many times before, and turn their corpses into robots. Because of this, Hyperion (the guys who sent the ninja Claptrap to kill you in the first place) tasks you with stopping the Robolution. The only upside is that this gives you an excuse to kill Claptraps for great justice, and you can blow away those little fuckers all you want, since there's no shortage of them. Also some person called Tannis, tells you to collect the parts from dead Claptraps so she can make a giant dildo out of them. That's about it. Now that you've finished the story, your OCD will kick in and force you to get the 4 other collectable lots, 3 Pink Panties, 5 Goldfish, 15 Pizzas, 5 3D Glasses, 15 Bobble-Heads and 25 Cans of Oil that only drop every at least 100 kills, forcing you to kill Craptraps for roughly three weeks straight (if you're an idiot).
Borderlands 2: Electric Boogaloo
Announced as soon as Gearbox realized that their costumer base has the shared IQ of a door knob, and as a result the first game made a lot of Jew gold. The game features such innovations as "brand-new" characters and re-skins of the old guns. It has four original and totally not the same as the last game characters, because they have different names and/or skin color. These are a Siren, some Mexican "berserker" who dual wields guns instead of punching, a weeaboo sperglord with four fingers who speaks (mostly to himself) in haiku (you know, weeaboo literature shit), and a soldier who is different because his turret is a different brand. There are also DLC characters: an 18 year old girl who has sex with robots, and a mental retard who loves to blow himself up. Their purpose is to milk you out of your ten dollars because we all know you're not going to play with all four of the characters in the first place, but you're gullible enough to pay for any shit they shove down your throat. Good going, jackass! As a bonus, this game sold 13 million copies worldwide - for a recycled heap of shit. Proving once and for all that "Birds of a feather flock together.", isn't just some gay-ass idiom.
Plot
Five years after the first game, a company called Hyperion, builds a monopoly over a new resource with a stupid name, after it got out of the first Vault - infecting the crust of the planet in the process, or something like that. Therefor, Hyperion takes over the planet and installs a totalitarian regime, ruled by Handsome Jack. Whoopty fuckin' doo. Later, news gets out that another hidden Vault could be found on Pandora, thus giving a universal reason for dipshits to keep flocking to this place.
The whole game is a mixture of shit that nobody cares about, including joining a resistance force and opposing Hyperion, while doing some bland crap in the process. The newly, fresh-cut mongoloids get to interact with the old characters from the first game while you get bombarded by our favorite autistic robot, "ClapTrap", with a plethora of annoying gestures and phonic pollution. The Sirens now have enhanced powers because they apparently drilled their cunts with uranium.
The resistance base gets fucked up by Hyperion and after a long, unwanted, boring drama, all the characters join forces to fight Hyperion. In the epic battle that ensues, you kill Jack's daughter, Angel, who gets all emo and actually requests the pawnage, and in return, Jack kills a nigger, because all niggers die in plotlines. You then, learn the location of the second Vault, where you encounter Jack and fight him, but the faggot opens the Vault and releases the giant lava-dragon thing from within. After emptying a cargo jet of bullets into his perineum, you get to shoot Handsome Jack in the face. VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
At the end, its shown that there are over a trillion Vaults all over the fuckin' universe, implying with a subtle hint that they can recycle this franchise ad infinitum.
Gameplay
Borderlands 2 is basically the same game as the first one. Literally. Everything they used in the first one is also in the second, including elements from: Diablo, Halo, Fallout 3, Team Fortress 2, World of Warcraft, Gears Of War, Looney Tunes, Mad Max, Resident Evil, Doom, Left 4 Dead, and Avatar, all mashed-up together in a steamy pile of cow dung, some tool on Wikipedia described as "first-person role-playing shooter".
You still can only choose between four playable characters, each recycled from the first game but plastered with a different paint job, to trick the apes who buy the game. Each have their own unique abilities, such as throwing a bird at your enemies or turning invisible and falling off a cliff. Do we still have to mention that the abilities are also recycled? I mean - everything else in the game is, including: monsters, guns, vehicles, containers and landscapes.
The game has a lot of guns, but every gun is worse than the previous one you have so it doesn't really matter, plus a plethora of Halo-esque shields and far too many grenade mods. The game is a button-mashing grind-fest. All you do is complete boring, repetitive missions that revolve around whoring yourself for random non-player characters, doing their bidding for rewards, and shooting the same enemies over and over again - BUT WITH DIFFERENT GUNZ!!! While doing these missions, on foot or by car, you will spend 99% of the game just traveling to your destination and getting stuck in cacti while getting gang banged by wildlife. The driving can be simulated in real life by force feeding yourself bleach and/or seventy-five pellets of mescaline, while riding a unicycle directly with your ass on a 2 cm wide rope between the Petronas Twin Towers, so you just end up walking. This probably has something to do with it being on Pandora so walking everywhere makes you more green.
—Borderlands, because there's only ten hours worth of gameplay here. | ||
Missions
The best way to describe the missions? World of Warcraft with only four people per server. Every single mission is either "I want/lost X - find it and give it to me for loot." or "This guy is a faggot, go kill him and I will give you something nice.". In short, you pretty much just do the same thing over and over again, but you paid money to do it.
Weapons
There are 9 types of weapons (10 if you include melee, 11 if you include Brick's fists). Each weapon has a brand which give different bonuses, and the guns may have elemental damage.
- Pistols: Balanced guns that are only used by newfags.
- Revolvers: The .357 Magnum from Half-Life 2, now with magical powers and slow reload.
- SMGs: Pull the trigger and piss bullets.
- Shotguns: For shooting things IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!11!.
- Assault rifles: Bigger burst-fire SMGs. Usually have shitty magazines with like ten bullets. Weapon of choice for cousin fuckers.
- Rocket launchers: Use a pistol or SMG instead - it will do more damage because the rocket launcher is usually shittier. Suggested for use only at very close range.
- Sniper rifle: I'M STILL GETTING THE HEADSHOTS ITS LIKE BOOM HEADSHOT! BOOM HEADSHOT! BOOOOM HEADSHOT!
- Alien weapons: Xenu's personal arsenal. Unlimited ammo and fucktons of damage; the only gun you ever need to win.
- Grenades: Use them to spam the enemy re-spawns for massive damage. Most of them suck dick, except the one that can steal enemy health to restore your own.
Or you could just do what everybody else does online and ignore all the above and get a modded weapon. If you don't have a modded weapon, you are a total fag.
Manufacturers
Like in the real world, there's a big jewnopoly for guns. But all they make are shitty repeater pistols that no one needs. These companies are:
- Jakobs: If it takes more than one shot, then you weren't using Jakobs.
- Maliwan: Their guns shoot explosions, fire, electricity, or vomit.
- Tediore: Make shitty repeaters. Their guns suck so much ass, that they're more effective when thrown than fired.
- Torgue : Guns with high damage that can't hit shit. But they're shotguns, so what the fuck do you expect?
- Vladof: Rifles that fire like AK-47s and you don't even know if you're actually hitting the target. People who buy their products are commies.
- Atlas: A dick to every other company because all their guns are much better.
- Hyperion: Super expensive shit that no one buys.
- Dahl: All their weapons have high recoil - but who cares?
- S&S munitions: Don't even bother.
Manufacturers: Electric Boogaloo
Since the weapons from the first game sucked shit, the developers decided to add even more crap to them in the second game.
- Jakobs: They now require you to spam your fire button to finish a clip.
- Maliwan: Same shit but with the new purple-puke element, that only weakens the enemy so you can finish them off with a different weapon.
- Tediore: Exploding garbage. Don't even bother to fire their weapons, or even using them. All their guns look like toys.
- TORGUE : NOBODY WANTS THEIR GODDAMN CRAP BECAUSE THEIR BULLETS ARE SLOWER THAN MY GRANDMA!! THE ONLY GOOD GUN, "UNKEMPT HAROLD", IS USED BY 90% OF THE MOTHERFUCKING PLAYERS, WHO ARE STILL PLAYING THIS FUCKING SHIT!! ALSO... EXPLOSIONS?!
- Vladof: Automatic firing on everything.
AtlasHyperion: Their guns increase accuracy when firing, so there's a 100% guarantee you hit something.- Bandits: All their guns, except the rocket launcher, are shit.
- E-Tech: The new useless "alien" weapons that are meant to eat your ammo.
- Dahl: Other than the burst fire when you zoom in, they are still worthless compared to Vladof.
Classes
- Lilith/Maya: The game's mandatory fuck-puppet with a deep voice. She can turn into a ghost and have sex with bad guys until they submit to her. Her other special abilities include cooking and cleaning.
- Roland: A nigger who joined the military so that he could steal their guns. Incapable of sharing his emotions, the traits of his whole persona can be compared to a concrete block. His special ability lets him deploy an automatic turret. The only black character in the game, added to mask racism, but killed in the second game and replaced with a white douchenozzle, thus rendering the whole point devoid of its fucking meaning. Rumored to fanatically fuck his turrets after every successful kill.
- Brick: The brainless steroid infested bloated fuck from Gears of War. Suffers from roid-rage and an acute case of micro-penis mixed with daddy issues and bipolar disorder, much like the player. Coincidentally, he uses this 'roiding as a special ability, hulkin' out and fist-raping enemies while being sexually confused.
- Mordecai: The game's bitch luchadore, who's looking for some kind of repayment for the crap he's dealt with (apparently the sweet beard isn't enough). His special ability turns the game into Angry Birds (like they didn't take enough from other games).
- Autistic Guy: The guy who balanced his life by removing his face with a spatula while repeatedly shooting people in the head from a distance. Rumored to suffer from dementia, witnessed numerous times talking to himself in a sexual manner, probably an alter ego. A boner can be visible at all times while the subject is in action.
- Douche: The whole purpose of this character was to replace the black man that was obviously so 2010. Having the exact same abilities, the only difference now is that when he gets arrested, the cops won't start beating him for no reason. Basically, he's the love child of Nathan Drake and Steve Stifler, with the mental capabilities of a spoon.
- Mechromancer: An 18-year old girl who left her dad to die and ran away with her robotic blow up doll of death. She is also the most skill requiring class to play (hint: put your skill points in "Close Enough" and you can play with only one button). Also, don't forget to pay your 60 dollars if you want to fap her to death, you virgin sick fuck.
- The Mentally Challenged: Pretty much like the Autistic Guy, except he can't use guns for shit and must be in tard-rage at all time to survive. Also, he likes to light himself on fire, blow himself up while shouting random nonsense that nobody understands. You also need to pay 60 dollars to play with this guy too.
Enemies
- Psycho: Batshit insane people who go around looting stuff in order to survive. They are everywhere and all they do is run directly towards you or stand in one place and shoot at you.
- Crabwormlarvae: Underground crab things that can be killed pretty easily.
- Crimson Lance: A group of high-level soldiers who have great weapons and shields. They have been known to kill civilians and disregard the law.
- Guardians: A bunch of alien/robot things that fire lasers and stab you with lightsabers.
- Rakks: A bunch of
cliff racersbird-dragondragon-bat-eagle things that fly around and annoy the player, causing them to waste ammo. Not to worry, though, as ammo apparently grows on trees and is left just about everywhere. They drop health upon death, apparently carrying it in their dicks.
- Rakk Hive: Huge monsters that Rakks live on. They can rape you in a minute flat if you're not prepared. Best to kill by aiming for the eyes and spamming grenades.
- Outriders: Bandits who drive around in cars flipping you off and mooning you through the windshield. They can be completely ignored by launching a guided missile into their cars and running over their flaming corpses. This shouldn't be an issue as their driving is that of a blind Pomeranian, that can't reach the pedals.
- Scythid: Giant bug-things. Attack much like Skags do, except for the fact some blow up when you kill them up-close.
- Skags: Zerg like dog creatures without assholes. They eat stuff and regurgitate anything they can't digest, from ammo and guns to dollar bills, because the point of logic is to ignore it completely.
- Spiderant: The result of a natural phenomenon of ants and spiders fucking or just being an unimaginative Gearbox employee twat. Without eyes, they will always confuse the player character as a potential mate and they will immediately start chasing you for the main purpose of forcing you into their colony. Some advanced species don't even need to chase you anymore because they've discovered a method to barrage you with hunks of jizz.
ClapTrap
The ClapTraps (pronounced 'forced meme') are the unicycled robots inhabiting the world of Borderlands, which you'll come across several times on your journey and are more or less designed to be the "comedic" sidekick of the game, giving you a brain tumour in the process. Unfortunately, Gearbox missed the mark by several miles of creating a popular "Companion Cube" like mascot character that's enduring and popular (Jew) to players, but what they didn't realize was that the idea of an annoying little robot that talked in a stupid electronic voice and went around dancing had already been used. They also took the name "ClapTrap" from another entertainment franchise worshiped by nerds. ClapTraps are living proof that robots can develop Asperger syndrome.
—gay | ||
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Duke Nukem Demo
When you bought Borderlands Game of the Year edition, besides getting all the DLC that you had already wasted forty bucks on, you also got access to an exclusive Duke Nukem demo on all systems. Though if you got the game through Steam and used the best console, you could just download the demo anyway.
Rave Reviews
—Gamers.at | ||
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Trolling
Fanbois
- Ask where the REAL melee weapons are.
- Ask for modded stuff.
- Mention the words "fall" and "out" in the same sentence on a Borderlands forum.
- Telling them an assault rifle with 97% accuracy and 215 damage isn't nearly as satisfying as having a life.
- Tell them the following based on which character they play
- If they play as Lilith, it is because they desperately want a girlfriend and will never get laid.
- If they play as Roland, it is because they are a wigger, or possibly a chav.
- If they play as Brick, it is because they are a fat fuck who wishes he had chunk-power.
- If they play as Mordecai, it is because they want to be a badass but are afraid to leave the basement.
- Tell them that WoW is an MMO that has more than just four players per server.
- Tell them Wolfenstein had better graphics.
- Tell them that an original art style doesn't mean jack shit if the only colors used are gray and brown.
- Ask them if the game ends once you get to Vault 13.
- Tell them you have the "Troll Repeater Pistol" and want to trade it for a hex for your Diablo character.
- Tell them the game is overrated.
Online Tips
- Equip your character with the "Transfusion" grenade modifier and start a duel with your partner(s). Works best as Brick in a tight, confined space (Lost Cave, some Arenas, etc.) with about 5-6 grenades, and bonus points if you scream "ALLAHU AKBAR!" while doing so.
- As Roland or Brick, take off aimlessly into a dangerous area full of "Badass" bandits, skags, etc., then run back to your teammate(s) and either keep running and turn around to see if they survive, or quit and see if you'll even play together again.
- As Lilith, four words: Phasewalk the entire duel.
- As Brick, scream the entire time you beat up Roland bare-handed, "PUNCH SOLDIERS RECEIVE GUNS!"
- As Mordecai, or possibly Roland, run off from your group and hide out in a house or somewhere unseen around a bandit spawn-point, and "blend in" as your partners get raped. When they're near death, run over to them, heal them, THEN challenge them to a duel.
- As Roland, constantly ask where the white wimminz at, even if Lilith's in the group. ESPECIALLY if Lilith's in the group.
- Get yourself a modded gun and shield, so that you can kill anything and be unkillable. Then go into a game with noobs and continuously demand duels with them. Bonus points if you're in the middle of a fight. Win and claim that you have skillz or rub it in their face. Demand another duel. Win and rub. Repeat.
- Join low-level games, kill bosses, and steal all the loot.
- "Help" new players with boss battles by escorting them there, and then wandering off to do something more important. When they ask what you're doing, respond with "Did you not get the message? There are more jobs available at the New Haven bounty board. You kill him, and I'll go get the mission".
- As the driver, crash the car.
- Make up a class mod. Say a boss dropped it, and refuse to trade it for anything.
- Constantly ask to "borrow" money.
Fun Facts
- There are actually Achievements/Trophies for playing this game for more than 10-12 days and upwards. What this breaks down to is leaving the game on pause while watching something on TV or going outside, which you won't if you're trying to get these intentionally.
- One of the Awards you can get involves playing with a member of Gearbox, or someone that's already played with them, and then sharing that Award with other people online.
- Four issues of a shitty comic were published that explain the story of how the original four Vault Hunters came to be together before the events of the first game, filling in their "backstories" that didn't even exist in the first place.
- The main reason mercenaries came to "Pandora" from all over the galaxy was to make their fortunes, but no one considered the option of not buying any more guns, or just sell the ammo which is ad infinitum, scattered all around.
- Somehow the ammo can materialize itself from thin air and also multiply in green containers.
- The plot of the second game was written by someone clearly suffering from some kind of pathological problem. The plot starts with the antagonist trying to murder our protagonists, but later the antagonist confesses that his plan was to manipulate them all along... but then why try killing them in the first place?
Images
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Pandora has a huge BBW culture. -
YEE-HAW! -
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Think I just shat a brick.
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They even have spiderants, only in Pandora! -
One of many bugs. -
Nigga gonna steal my CAR! -
Also, he has 3 balls. -
Cosplayers can even ruin shit. -
Videos
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See Also
External Links
- 34'd, for your pleasure
- Borderlands Official Site
- Fæcesbook Page
- Fæcesbook Fan Page
- FORUMS!
- Gearbox owner's Twatter
- How do I hax gaem on PC?
- Wikia Page
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