4th of July
The 4th of July is one of several United States holidays created to whip up patriotic American feelings and remind the rest of the world that they better not fuck with us. Also known as Independence Day, it was originally started by a small gang of terrorists because they hated the civilized and cordial British way of life, with its incessant tea and crumpets routine and loose talk about abolishing slavery. Since then, the 4th of July has become an endearingly fetishized annual occasion for people to dump money into China for fireworks and party supplies, allowing us to have the parades, picnics, and sex parties that make the USA the world’s most admired nation.
In modern American 4th of July celebrations, every other person but you is barbecuing delicious burgers surrounded by family and friends in the backyards of their perfect suburban homes. You, meanwhile, are sitting alone in a rented basement studio apartment on a chair stained with tears and semen, playing World of Warcraft in a room lit only by your computer monitor.
History
For most of the USA's existence, citizens celebrated 4th of July in traditional and rather boring ways. Year after year, decade after decade, very little changed in the cuisine, the family activities, and the fireworks display. Children symbolically set fire to toy Indian wigwam villages, and civic leaders and politicians made speeches that brought pride to all American hearts.
Something in the national spirit changed, however, after World War II. With the influx of the millions of Jews who had escaped the Auschwitz ovens, American culture became much more vulgar and cheapened, filled with coarse language, promiscuity and violence. All of this, of course, had been planned long ago.
The reality
Most Amerifags would have you believe that their defeat over the Britfags was all encompassing and lulz. However, what they fail to realize is that it was actually the French who bailed them out, while the True American PATRIOTS played fancy dress as native savages and threw some tea in a river, presumably under the impression that removing their tea would render them as powerless as Popeye without his spinach, much to the embarrassment of the civilized world.
The bright side
The new coarseness and vulgarity were not necessarily a bad thing, and with it came plenty of opportunities for experimenting with drugs and sexuality. As America's foremost holiday, the 4th of July began to personify the country's new outlook and approach to all kinds of strange and risky behavior. For example, shooting fireworks out of one's ass on the 4th of July became a very popular kind of stunt among teenagers. Wild, patriotic orgies became the holiday norm for young adults, while the older set drank themselves into the familiar alcoholic stupor or rage.
The future of 4th of July
Most people agree that 4th of July is much more interesting and fun now than it was in years gone by, and while there is still some danger of Cinco de Mayo freaks and criminals overwhelming the nation, it seems reasonably certain that the party, in this case, is just going to get crazier.
Gallery of Patriotism
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The country's Dad. -
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Part of the 20th century Jewish campaign to discredit America. -
Three pillars of USA: Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'Roll. -
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Patriotic fervor -
Ben Franklin founded a chain of convenience stores that still thrive today. -
Tough times, but excellent manners. -
Rockin' my wooden dentures, boyee... -
Fear not, for soon we will establish Toronto. -
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Patriotic Videos
See also
- Youtube Independence Day
- W
- Hell
- George Washington
- Che Guevara
- United States
- England
- Philadelphia
- Hookers and blow
- Ceiling cat
- Common knowledge
| Featured article July 4, 2007 | ||
| Preceded by Tyler Dumstorf |
4th of July | Succeeded by Audreynoland |
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