Intellectual Checkmate

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Goronchev, pitifully declaring war against the Internet Hate Machine.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Sexiest Man in the World!
Moar liek Intellectually Challenged amirite

Goronchev (AKA Smugfag, MrThreePercent, Ron Lamp, Andy Ross and "Ass Lamp") is a 30-something, balding, closeted homosexual born in 17 Oct(March 12?), as a cancer survivor without testicles who plays Quasimodo in his parents' basement in Hollywood, CA who spends his life combating doc_droppers because he is so brave. Having lived in his basement his whole life with a lonely, beautiful and ultimately pure terabyte of child pornography to be his friend, Goronchev realized that the only way someone like him could survive would be to post TL;DW videos of himself flexing his steroid-induced muscles and rubbing his asshole, while pretending to have knowledge of very intellectual topics such as religion, sex and video games. When not posing as the illegitimate, cancer-ridden son of Penn Jillete, he can often be found lurking on sites like Stickam, attempting to bait 16-year-old girls with minimal understanding of the English language and green cards into checking out his "above average" penis.

Some would argue that he is not only a keen mind of the West, but the greatest troll known to Anon. That is assuming, of course, if "some" constituted an abattoir of retarded children, who also believe the nuts in their shit has the potential for homemade Nutella. Take heed, however, as combating this individual online will surely lead to one's demise! Well, at least it might lead to slight embarassment in his erotic chat party, if he's the only one talking. If that hurdle is crossed, then he will just resort to being the ultimate badass by contacting your parents, asking them to tell you to stop. If that doesn't work, then he will use his ultimate by contacting your local news media, hoping that "arguing with someone on the internet" is a hideous federal offense in your country.


   
“ 		 
My penis is so big it reaches from A - Z on the keyboard!
  		„
  		 

—Goronchev, literally stating his penis is about ONE CENTIMETER LONG


The Saga

Smugfag Begins

Serious Cat detects serious business
Smugfag is smuuuuuuuuuuug.

Goronchev appeared on 4chan in June of 2007 when a video of him was posted on /b/ in which he claimed victory over the "misc. section". Paranoid baby Anonymous ceased fapping to lolicon long enough to gangrape his YouTube with negative feedback and video responses, all while noisily banging their keyboards to produce spam comments (Consisting of DESU DESU DESU in natural /b/tard fashion). As things turned out, he was actually attacking the Misc. section at bodybuilding.com. Goronchev's attack on the Misc. section described his "intellectual checkmate" of Misc. by, as he put it, "using them like a condom." /b/ was slow to realize that they were not his target and initially believed this was an insult, albeit a hilariously inept one. Even after the mistake was discovered, the attacks continued as his smugness made him an instant hit with /b/tards, who enjoyed making fun of his balding head, Minnie Mouse voice, and ridiculous claims about his sex life and intellectual prowess.

Trolls and rubberneckers at the time were delighted over Goronchev's obsession with his body. Of course, Goronchev was so concerned about maintaining his 3% body fat that he completely forgot about his round, balding head. Goronchev continued to feed the flames by claiming that his penis was almost nine inches long but not showing it off to prove his point. To this day Goronchev continues to make spurious claims about his member, though it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that this man is more full of shit than Tubgirl.

Actual photo of Goronchev's penis.

A YouTube user named Kbob08 used to plague Goronchev with video responses. Almost all of Kbob's videos were video responses to Goronchev with the exception of his very first video which was just a retarded loogie of fail where he showed his bad taste in games. One day, feeling daring, Kbob decided to flame Goronchev using a video response. This prompted Goronchev to man the harpoons and end their relationship. Goronchev thoroughly "skewered and exposed" Kbob in a video response to a video response for his video. Kbob deleted all Goronchev-related videos when TwinsanityNtranced was bashing on Kbob about being an attention leech. This victory by Goronchev only served to increase his already inflated ego and HUEG sense of unwarranted self-importance. He hired a publicist, contacted Faux News, telling them that a new sensation was in town, who was sure to be just as funny as Jay Leno and started referring to his YouTube account as a television show.

Operation: Intellectual Checkmate

After a few months of inactivity, he returned in October of 2007. With a titanic ego and infinitesimal dick, he shed a tear of shame and admiration when he read this page. He then gathered himself together, mustered courage into his veins and declared war upon ED, posting a video in which he later admitted his mother is dead. "This was most likely suicide caused by the realization that she had given birth to such a grotesque creature instead of letting the doctor falcon punch her when he revealed that the baby might have a hazardous amount of smug cells," Dr. Anonymous states.

In a truly pathetic testament, Goronchev felt that his domination over ED was the greatest rape he was involved with since that one special time his dad needed help in the basement. For thirteen minutes, Goronchev read quotes from various ED articles that he felt were racist towards black people- as if this were something new. Going down the list of facts about him, he denied the claims to a minimal extent by adjusting minute details that he felt made the claims invalid. Of these claims, the one that he helt most offended by was that he attended a community college in Northern California, as he had never attended college and he never made it farther North than his dad's penis. Wow, by overestimating him for a worthless achievement, we really lost all credibility.

   
“ 		 
They had no idea I was that good at shit-talking live, in-the-moment
  		„
  		 

—Goronchev has mad skills.

Some interesting tidbits from this video include:

  • Goronchev has the ability to read Encyclopedia Dramatica.
  • The only thing smaller than a Jew's penis is a negro's "To Do" list.
  • The only thing on a negro's "To Do" list is a Jew's small penis.
  • Jews did WTC.
  • Someone whose primary source of income is performing menial chores around the house has time too precious to waste on ED.
  • Even the intellectually superior can sometimes miss the point.
  • His head resembles a 6 foot penis.
  • Goronchev made ED even funnier.

TL;DR: Smugfag needs to learn English, satire, and the basics of a wiki.

We responded by putting on a rubber glove and with a flick of our dick, Goronchev was suspended. He grew up in a suburban neighborhood, though, so he was tough like Mitt Romney and returned as MrThreePercent, (in honor of his penis size, which is 97% smaller than average). He began to make moar videos about the imaginary groups of beautiful "women" taking trans-continental road trips to rendezvous with his flesh balloon. Shortly afterwards, Goronchev disappeared from the internet and his account, "MrThreePercent," was suspended due to copyright infringement.

At this time, Smugfag's favorite phrase, "Intellectual Checkmate" became a mini-meme on /b/. Assuming that "Intellectual Checkmate" means something along the lines of using your wit during a debate to back your opponent into a corner from which they cannot retaliate, he does just the opposite by backing himself into a corner from which he cannot escape, so he disables comments on his videos in the hope that he will never actually have to debate with anyone. His logic would be air tight, were it not for the inconvenience that other humans happen to have the ability to respond.

When every other video site doesn't work out for you and your support and views have dwindled to nothing, what do you do? That's right! You make your very own website! Actually, you have a friend make your very own website. Actually, you have your friend make a channel for your very own website. Actually, you have your friend create a channel with your name on it for a corporate website and call it yours. FUCK YES! And when Brett Keane's channel goes down because the science he doesn't quite have the knowledge for didn't do the work for him, you make like Abraham Lincoln and you try again.

The Final Goodbye

After claiming in his last ED video that he wasn't going to make a new video on ED because they are not worth his time, he suffered the consequences of a mammy naively trying to sustain a diet and gave into the temptation with a seven minute video absolutely DESTROYING ED once again. He knows he's got top game, since he doesn't have any psychological disorders that his mother (lol dead), dad has let on about. To celebrate himself, he went to a print shop with his lucky baseball cap and asked the Mexican behind the counter if he could take a stupid pseudonym like "Goronchev" and make it look cool. The Mexican winked at him and put in red italics the coolest thing- the name of his YouTube account.

Goronchev, having been beaten into oblivion, saw his bleeding as a sure sign of triumph and marched away from YouTube, with his head held high and his thumb up his anus. The only contact he had with us was when Encyclopedia Dramatica was baleeted in mid-2011, he praised the vile actions of Sherrod DeHippo and her horrid third trimester abortion of a website Ohinternet. It seems he was hoping that this article would be gone forever. However, he failed to realize that on the internet, nothing ever goes away.

Today, Goronchev continues to make videos of himself flexing his sphincter in his father's basement while talking shit about people in chat rooms with his only friends... which he's never met face-to-face. Though he says he no longer bothers with h8ers like Anonymous and Encyclopedia Dramatica, whenever a troll shows up at his doorstep he takes time out of his day to make fun of them by writing up a TL;DR "exposé" on his "victim." This generally revolves around teasing somebody for being of a different race, or else emailing their parents, asking them to stop. He has even gone as far as making fun of a comedy writer by posting pictures of his kids and calling them "deformed," thus cementing Smugfag's status as an petulant, balding manbaby douchebag.

Smugfag met his nemesis in Benos, another stay-at-home manbaby with terminal Asperger's. Yes, the person he marked as his equal is, quite appropriately, somebody who can't even function in a social setting. When most others are busy raising families and living responsible, independent lives, Goronchev focuses upon challenging autistic live-with-parent men online, to prove that he is the best Goronchev in a world of Goronchevs. As the story goes, Benos couldn't stand Goronchev from the moment he laid eyes on him and felt the greatest frustration since the time that one kid with cerebral palsy spilled his juice box. So, Goronchev the Cancer Survivor put his lucky red cap on, while Benos the Aspie-Lord put on his goggles and the two fought a war of calling the other one the bigger idiot, neither realizing at any point in the debacle that they are both massive retards. Goronchev, knowing that the most-fulfilling game involves desperate measures, contacted Benos' dad and cried about how much Benos had hurt his feelings. When Benos' dad told his son to behave to no avail, Goronchev did what any mature adult would do and contacted Australian news media, which of course is a lie. Or anyone willing to be goronchev's slave because the lazy faggot couldn't do it himself , and X is not your personal army. Obviously Goronchev believes he wants people call up Benos' dad, which will fail, because no one really cares. Smugfag also called Benos an Australian Arab on video, and everything went quiet for awhile, but overall, Goronchev remains a cunt. The irony of it all: he watched and recorded an entire video of a man jacking off, without realizing watching a solo jack off session is gay.

Not Gay

His girlboyfriend.
Totally . . .

Goronchev is very, very insecure about his sexuality. Goronchev is so adamant about his supposed heterosexuality that he often pulls wild and "true" sex stories out of his asshole to make himself sound straight. In most cases, the sex stories are so generic that it is very obvious they were ripped straight from a porn scene. In other cases, the stories are so vague that all instances of "she" and "her" can easily be replaced with "he" and "him" and it wouldn't make a difference.


   
“ 		 
I LOVE VAGINA & BREASTS, and I'm straighter than a laser (Hopefully, that will reduce the number of gay perverts after me)
  		„
  		 

—Methinks Goronchev doth protest too much

Smugfag apparently has a girlfriend, and states that according to HOTorNOT, she is a perfect ten.

On February 27th, 2008 at approximately 10:15 PM EST, Goronchev was spotted in the CAM or GTFO chatroom of Stickam.com. At this time, he openly made a challenge towards a female member concerning his superiority over females in giving oral stimulation of the penis. This proved to be a landmark achievement in Goronchev's quest in proving that he is not gay.

   
“ 		 
My dick is actually just long enough for me to get my tongue on it without too much effort
  		„
  		 

—Smugfag, remarking on his favorite activity.

Also note that one of his favorite music stars is Gwen Stefani, a homewrecking gutter slut and common love of all straight white males across the globe.

Smugfacts

Uhhh...wow...yeah...
  • Fitter than the entire US Marine Corps.
  • Beat up thirty guys at the same time.
  • Obtained offers of employment from YouTube
  • Intellectually checkmated ED.
  • Had sex... like, more than once.
  • Possesses a "larger than average penis". Seriously.
  • Had repugnant sex with BigGayAl, his #1 internet-lover.
  • Had a girlfriend instead of his hand, rumors still persist this is his faghag. [1]
  • Transmogrified into Mr. Clean with steroid enhanced features [2]
  • Metaphorically provided homosexuals with a dicking so deep that he was able to hook their cocks and draw them out through their annihilated rectums before then lovingly holding them aloft and licking off the cum. *See far top of his Blogspot for a normal version*
  • Watched a man fap on cam to prove he isn't gay.
  • Cheated on a girl named Lesli after he slept with another girl to prove he's less of an asshole and in denial about facts like a true faggot on the internets but proved nothing in a video he made about Benos when backing up evidence.
  • Goronchev with his best American accent, pronounces Aspergers as Oss-pergers making Benos look less retarded.
  • Was on K Thor Jensen's internet losers of the week [3]

Myths About Goronchev

Myth: "Goronchev doesn't work for his parents"

FALSE. Goronchev does, in fact, live in his father's basement. He and his father often videotape themselves having incestuous relations, with Goronchev taking his father's creamy load in his ass and then playing the rusty trombone.


Myth: "Goronchev has had sex with many women."

FALSE. Goronchev is too infected with teh gay to be attracted to vagina. He has tried, however, to have sex with men, though most gay men are smart enough to stay away.


Myth: "Goronchev is not a pedophile."

FALSE. We have the pictures, videos, and eye witness testimonies to prove it. Click here to see it.


Myth: "Goronchev is as healthy as a horse."

FALSE. It is a widely-known fact that Goronchev has superAIDS, and will likely die in a matter of months.


Myth: "Goronchev's penis is 8 and 3/4 inches long."

FALSE. Goronchev said himself that his penis reaches from A to Z on a QWERTY keyboard, meaning his penis is approximately one centimeter long.


Myth: "Goronchev cares about black people"

FALSE, as proven by the below quote by Goronchev himself:

 
“ 		 
A half ape, half human creature devolved from chimpanzees, who eats fried chicken, watermelon, and collared greens, write songs about raping white woman and stealing welfare checks from grandmothers...Niggers are lazy, dumb, and worst of all smell after taking a shower...Jews are a subhuman species...Jews did the World Trade Center attacks...I have no penis
  		„
 

—Smugfag


Myth: "Goronchev can fight two guys at once."

SOMEWHAT TRUE, assuming that "fighting" means "double anal secksing."


Myth: "Goronchev is a compulsive liar."

TRUE. One look at his actions and facial expressions in his videos and you can easily tell that he is lying out of his ass.


Myth: "Goronchev is cool."

HAHAHAHAHAHA NO


Myth: "People watch his videos."

FALSE. Goronchev is the only one who takes himself seriously, and thus he thinks people actually like him and watch his videos.

Psychological Analysis

The following is a detailed psychological analysis by acclaimed e-psychologist Dr. David Anonymous, PhD:

 
“ 		 
From an entirely psychological standpoint, all of his arguments just go to show how intellectually and physically inferior he feels to other people, as demonstrated by his need to go out of his way to try to outperform the "best" he can find at everything.

"I want to feel good about my body. Who is the strongest guy I can outperform?" USMC Recruits.

"I didn't say I could outperform the entire USMC. I just went to the USMC recruiting station and did 26 pull-ups; more than any of them could do." Not that he had any intention of actually *joining* the USMC, just needed to reassure himself that he was physically superior than everyone around him. As a note... Recruits? "Recruit" is military terminology for "a civilian who will soon be joining the military." I.E. He beat a bunch of guys straight off the street, who had not been to Boot Camp yet. They were likely fresh out of HS.

To address his need to defend his phallic aptitudes: when you defend your PENIS by citing a statistic, it just shows how insecure you are about it. Yes, every guy gets insecure about how long or thick his PENIS is at least once. Totally normal. But to say, "My PENIS is ABOVE average" is just stating that either:

1. I believe everything my girlfriend says to me.
2. I looked up average PENIS size on the internet and compared mine to it.
3. I stood in the men's restroom and checked out people's dicks.

I admit to doing #2- mostly because I know you can't place much faith in #1, and #3 will get you beaten up. If 4.25" is 'average', then 'above average' is anything above 4.25. Even 4.26. Whoopty-fucking-doo. Congratulations, smugfag.

On one further note; you said, and I quote, "just because you perhaps can't get laid in a Tijuana whorehouse doesn't mean it's that way for all of us." Now, what the fuck? Does this statement provide that fallingcryss, MagicalSexZebra, ae16weirdo and the rest of those beasty bitches were found in Tijuana whorehouses?

Furthermore, his need to go out of his way to put everyone he meets into "intellectual checkmate" just further demonstrates his intellectual inferiority complex.
 

„
 

—Dr. David Anonymous, PhD

Smugfag and the Old Media

IRREFUTABLE PROOF...more or less...that Goronchev WAS ALREADY A FAUX NEWS DARLING

Goronchev made an appearance on Faux News to discuss cyber-bullying and Anonymous. He is now an "expert" on cyberbullying. Smugfag gets about 9 seconds worth of face-time. He earlier promoted his television premiere on his Jewtube and suggested that perhaps the Fox people would post the rest of his interview on the website.

Just remember, kids: bulling is rabbit on the internets.

In one of his videos bragging about this incredible feat, he claims that he was "chosen" do an interview, despite the fact that Fox asks people to call in to be screened for these interviews.

Though this appears to be Smugfag's first news appearance, it might be possible that he has appeared on Fox before. You be the judge:

1) Watch the smash-hit of summer 2007, "Anon vs. Faux News" again [4]

2) Pay particular attention to the leet haXXor in silhouette at 1:45, 1:57 ("they get what they call 'lulz'...") and 3:02

3) NOTICE BASEBALL CAP AND COLLARED SHIRT - official uniform of the International Association of Smugfags, as shown in his armada of motherfucking YouTube videos.

4) Watch the 2008 cult classic "Brett Keane interviews Goronchev" (only the first 30 seconds, it's a fucking epic a la Battlefield Earth otherwise) [5] baleeted

5) Note this delicious nugget of dialogue:

  • SMUGFAG: Rupert Murdoch is all over this sweet, young, tight ass, yes indeed.
  • BURGER KEANE: So what exactly is the Fox News going to be doing with you, bro?
  • SMUGFAG: Yeah, well here's the deal: we already did a thing. You may not know this, but...

In conclusion - it's him. Amirite or amirite?

Videos

Goronchev is Moar Racist.

He is bothered by hypocrisy while at the same time practicing it;
he has only one option, BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE. Goronchev
haet hypocrisy even moar:

He's a sicko.

Smugfag returns for more hate and trolling on internet peoples; doesn't realize, he's being used like the condom himself, so other users can get more whoring, please thank goronchev for his TL;DR videos

Smugfag critical of anti scifag hate(Commentary)

Chris Crocker talks to smugfag on the phone.

Smugfag tries to prove he's got a high IQ in intelligence, but prank calls like he's an 13_year_old_boy

The irony of this video is that he wacked off to porn(though faked), but tried to expose benos for jerking off on cam.

Major butthurt when Goronchev gets flagged on youtube. Goronchev is interviewed by The Burger Keane

LOL

Previous Video | Next Video


Gallery

Gallery of Intellect About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

External Links

His facebook is hidden or baleeted due to the exposing of benos revealing facebook chats that goronchev had with his dad

See lulzy background with a obsession with the goronchev and benos drama that still wages on once and awhile.

  • Goronchev Pornolized If you want to see how gay goronchev can get while pornolized.
  • Facepunch account Possible account on facepunch/or hoping to troll his number 1 fan Benos by stalking him. There is proof of that in his exposing video. DEAD

See Also

 Intellectual Checkmate

is part of a series on

Taking Down ED

[Retreat!Do It Faggot]
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Noble Internet Entities

Anontalk • Anti-Encyclopedia Dramatica.com • Conservapedia • DeviantART • encyclopediadramatica.wiki • Failcyclopedia • Josephevers.blogspot.com • Metafilter • MyAdopts • Namecheap • OhInternet • RationalWiki • Ripoff Report • Ultraviolet News Network • Uncyclopedia • VidLii • WikiFur • Wikipedia

Glorious Civilizations

Aborigines • Australia • Canada • China • France • Malaysia • Philippines • Tunisia

Related Subjects and Methods

Censorship • DDoS • Free Speech • Get a Lawyer • Hacking • Make a Petition • Notify the FBI • Serious Business • SOPA • The Græt Niggercide of Old ED • Writing an article for Uncyclopedia • You vs. ED

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Featured article December 14, 2007
Preceded by
Penis Nosed Fox 		Smugfag Succeeded by
Robert Hawkins
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