Jennifer Hepler
Jennifer Eve Brandes-Hepler aka Hamburger Helper is the first ever beached whale to become employed by BioWare, the video game company that has made Baldur's Gate, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age: Origins. Bioware, possibly feeling pity for the marooned moron, decided to put her onto their writing staff, where she promptly smeared her stanky ambergris all over Dragon Age II and Star Wars: The Old Republic, ensuring that no one could ever enjoy those once hotly anticipated games. Bioware had made the unfortunate mistake of hiring a 16 ton marine creature that could neither write, play video games, or avoid the malicious harpoons of the internet.
—Captain Ahab, one of many angry tweets Jennifer recieved. | ||
Video Games Sans Gameplay
Back in 2006 Bioware released a video promoting Dragon Age: Origins, which for some reason featured the game developers talking about themselves and not the actual video game. When asked "what is your least favorite thing about working in the video game industry" Hepler decided to be honest and give the worst possible answer: playing the actual video game is the worst part being in the video game industry. Then she decided to outdo herself and say something even dumber: that video games should have a fast forward button so you can skip all the gameplay and just watch the next cutscene. Essentially, she wishes that she could play video games without actually playing them. Perhaps the benevolent community of gamers would accept this radical idea with open arms, since we all know gamers hate playing video games.
—Jennifer Hepler, video games are the worst part of video games. | ||
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Twitter Shitstorm
The shitstorm reached critical mass when Hepler decided to slap her fins against her iPhone and open a twitter account Brandes Hepler in February 2012. Seconds after her twitter account was spotted it was harpooned with comments about how Hepler was "the cancer that is poisoning Bioware." During the week-long lifespan of Hepler's twitter account, she was accused of being a horrible fanfiction writer who couldn't stop shoving her weird fetishes and yaoi undertones into video games, of ruining Dragon Age II, of being a large, endangered, oceanic mammal, and that she should kill herself. Hepler showed that she was far more mature than the people harassing her by releasing this statement:
—Jennifer Hepler, on womb envy | ||
As biting and vicious as Hepler's initial resistance against the trolling was, it was all a farce. Later rumors abounded that she had a "stress induced" miscarriage. This is untrue, in fact embryos can't live in a toxic womb supported only by a diet of krill and pizza rolls. The trolls had chosen their words carefully and reduced the poor sea creature to freshly squeezed oil. Hamburger Helper deleted her twitter account and vanished into the deep ocean to write erotic fanfiction between Cthulhu and colossus squids.
—fastblood @PepeSilvia0 | ||
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In the wake of the twitter fiasco Bioware rushed in to Hepler's defense, donating $1,000 to Bullying Canada, and installing a fascist regime at the Bioware Forums. Anyone who tries to speak out against Hepler's awful writing will be instantly banned. Anyone who says the word 'heteronormative' will be banned. Anyone who mentions that Hepler made a fool of herself by saying men were jealous of her vagina will be banned. Anyone who says that they will break into Hepler's home, hide in the attic, wait until she falls asleep, and then splash a gallon of sulfuric acid on her face will be banned. All these things will be deemed as "abuse towards staff." Anyone who so much as tries to mention Hepler without including the words "you have my" and "love and support" will be deemed a cyberbully, as outlined in Bioware forum's new policy.
M.I.T.H: Operation Smoking Jaguar
Long ago, way back in the year 2005 Jennifer Hepler wrote and crated a shitty comic book called M.I.T.H, an acronym which means utter nonsense when in longhand: Magical Intelligence Tactical Headquarters. Essentially it's a Harry Potter ripoff, rife with references and poor interpretations of all sorts of magical bullshit like Pandora's Box and Mayan pyramids, only with snarky, gung-ho Americans doing Call of Duty military crap while quipping one liners at each other, instead of whiney, adolescent Britons reflecting on the power of friendship. Nobody read it, nobody bought it, it never had a second volume made. It would have been forgotten forever had Hepler not put her fin in her mouth at twitter. Since then M.I.T.H. experienced a resurgence in popularity as a shining beacon of Hepler's writing abilities, or lack thereof.
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What is magic? -
A miserable pile of exposition. -
What snarky dialog! This person is clever! -
Does this sound like the widsom of an immortal?
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You lost a nuclear warhead... again? -
Send fanmail here.
Ambrov X
Ambrov X was a proposed ambitious sci-fi RPG whose Kickstarter campaign started very well in 2013. That is, until they announced that one of the stretch goals was to have Hamburger Helper to join the team. Support flatlined almost immediately and they had to cancel the project.[1]
Hammy Helper: The Documentary
External Links
- Hammy Hepler's Bioware Profile
- Petition to let Hamburger Helper know she's a shitty writer
Kotaku white knights Hepler- Gamespot white knights Hepler
- The Mary Sue white knights Hepler
- More highly credible sources
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Jennifer Hepler is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
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Jennifer Hepler is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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Jennifer Hepler is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
