Satan
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Were you looking for His Satanic Majesty, the Roman Antichrist? |
Satan is too cool and notably the best known troll in the history of the universe, given the most names out of any supernatural entity, even God. He is also falsely believed to be the bane of good. He has admitted to being the bane of good, but since he is a liar he is then necessarily not anything he claims to be. Satan is also known to say that he is wrong most of the time and he will lose the ultimate battle.
Satan knows that the only reality is the carnal reality, the material world and its laws. Satan was permabanned from heaven for giving this knowledge to Eve, who had to tell Adam because this ultimate truth went way over her head. Adam and Eve were subsequently banned from Eden because they began to cover up their sexyparts, successfully ruining God's only dick joke, marking one of Satan's best trolls evar.
Satan is the light of salvation for human-kind, taking all of God's mistakes under his large black wings and protecting them with his irrevocable power. Satan is the answer to the paradox "Can God make a rock so heavy that even he cannot lift it?" Satan is that rock. Now despite,his bad reputation,Satan is one of most honest,sincere and cool individuals ever to exist so... NOW WORSHIP SATAN FOR ALL E-TERNITY, PATHETIC MORTAL.
Satan's Contributions to Trolling
Satan is one of the world's most influential IRL trolls who started by getting Adam and Eve B& from the Garden of Eden roughly 6,000 years ago in an act of epic lulz thus causing the downfall of humanity - wars, hunger, niggers, Jews and the Holocaust (see, two wrongs do make a right) and ultimately the internets.
Satan's trolling has been known to inspire the following:
- Jews (He gave them the idea to come to earth)
- dykes
- Richard Dawkins
- Adolf Hitler
- Rule 34
- TheAmazingAtheist
- Heterosexuals
- Whites
- Kanye West
- Pain Series
- Fred Phelps
- AkewsticRockR
- Hippies
- Everyone on ED
- You
As further proof that Satan is damn good at his job, none of these people actually like or even believe in Satan. All of these things go to prove that Satan is the second greatest IRL troll to ever exist. The first being God himself.
Great job, Satan!
The Book of Job (pr: "Jobe") is one of the Bible's oddest "books", and that's saying something. It's not a confusing and disorientating account of acute psychosis and delirium like Revelation, it's not a supposedly sensuous metaphor for God's love for His people like The Song of Solomon, and it's not like trying to eat your way out from the bottom of a freight container full of rejected fortune cookies like the book of Proverbs. No, Job is the mini-novel that a Bronze Age Franz Kafka might have written.
God is hanging around and He sees Satan. God's like, "Yo, Satan! Where you been, homey?" And Satan's like: "Going to and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it." Then they get really high and God bets Satan a bag full of foreskins that Satan cannot corrupt some poor unsuspecting sap. And Satan's like, "You're on, d00d" So God picks Job, a quiet and devout family man to be tormented by Satan.
Satan kills all Job's cattle, meaning Job has no income and cannot tend his farm and Job is all like: "I love God and He'll look after me." So Satan turns it up a notch and kills Job's wife. And Job's like: "Well, I'd better worship God even more than I do already." Satan kills all Job's children. And Job's like: "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, praise be unto God." Satan can't kill Job or it'll be breaking the bet so he inflicts a plague of sore boils on Job, who while writhing in the dirt and weeping pus from every inch of his pain-wracked body still reckons God is teh man. Some of this might be in the wrong order.
Satan gives up, because Job is a moron who brought it on himself and God keeps all the foreskins, saying: "You fail it n00b." Then God has a rant about some monsters he created such as Behemoth and Leviathan and falls asleep. After that, there's stuff about robots, kinky sex and roller disco, but no-one ever gets that far so it was B& by The Pope like the Da Vinci Code.
Moral: God trolls Satan harder than Satan trolls Job. And this is why God allows evil to exist in the world. Also, cocks.
Hell
What, exactly, is Hell?
Moar info: hell.
Hell, named for the goddess of the underworld in Norse mythology Hel because Christians are stupid and when they heard Scandanavians say Hel, they thought Hell and believing these Blonde Barbarians they were hoping to troll were refering to the underworld or Hades, again named after the god of it and not the place, it's Tartarus BTW, and so adopted it in this meaning to make them feel included and sign up with them. Despite what those little Chick Tracts might try to convince us, Hell is actually a large cave hidden inside the moon your mom. Managed by Lucifer Morningstar Armstrong and the rest of the illuminati Hell is a very happy place. However, the connotation of "Hell" has been skewed by white people with cardigans. The Christian concept of Hell entails fire, chaos, dystopia and having a black family move into your neighborhood, right next door to you so you can always smell what they're cooking. In truth, none of this is accurate. Actually, Hell has just had a broken air conditioning system for a while and because of a bad serviceman, the ice machine is always on the fritz. They recently remodeled, and the bed bug problem is gone. Thank you, Obama.
Unfortunately, hell is known for its many fads much like the internet and Junior High School. Starting a succesful fad will get you mad props and a huge number of friends. Much like real life, after a week has passed, no one remembers who the fuck you are and they're crediting someone else.
More so, for all its claims about being chaotic and spontaneous, Hell is actually boring. You can only see someone whip their dick out for no reason and start fapping or watch a girl eat a tird as it is being shit out of someone's ass, so many times, before it becomes mundane. However, it is the only place in the after life that serves alcohol, so it might get boring after a while but hopefully, you'll be too drunk to give a damn.
People going there
- Those who edit Encyclopedia Dramatica.
- Those who wear hats indoors.
- Those who wear summer hats in the winter.
- Those who wear winter hats in the summer.
- Those who chew tobacco in a movie theater while using their drink cup for their spit and are too fucking lazy to walk 30 feet with the cup in hand and throw it away opting to just leave it on the floor.
- Despite popular belief, people who leave their ringers on or talk on a cell phone during a movie don't go the Hell. They are doing The Lord's work. If you need proof just go to a movie with your ringer on and see how many people you convert by listening for "Oh God" as they express their new found faith.
People already there
- William Shakespeare for plagiarism. Especially how he stole proverbs and other sayings and presented them as if he coined them. But worse, much worse than this, worse than hack analysis, worse than e-psychiatry, worse than old meme, worse than trying too hard and worse than quoting a TV Show is to favour wordplay and other stylistical schemes over pedagogics.
Lasting Influence
Satan's influence over modern individual thinkers is highly prevalent on the internets. Taking their cues from The Great One himself, completely original young thinkers can be found all over LiveJournal, DeadJournal and especially Vampirefreaks. Typically, many of them cultivated screen names based off the works of Dante and Milton such as xxxSatansGoatseManBitchxxx or 6satans6jizzbin6.
The other telltale sign of Satan's presence OL is the continuation of cryptography, which is his favorite hobby. His most hardcore followers will attempt to obfuscate the true, sinister nature of their messages within a highly complex system of transposing, dropping, and replacing letters and words when communicating.
Example 1: "I am in the final stages of planning a gruesome end to my foes" would be written as "Tihs is so fuck up ppl wr talkkn shit n i start to cry n now i jus wana smoek a big 1 n slit my rissed."
Example 2: "That woman would be most suitable to join me inside my dungeon for a night of exquisite pagan sex ritual" would translate as "teh grrl in Hot Topic is so hot i trid to aks her out but im to shy n just looked so stupid. I haet myself. Good news i get to moev into my moms basement tomorw."
Fun Facts About Satan
- Tom Cruise is gay for Satan.
- He beat some girl named 18 that was using her age as a name to pick up guys and won The World Martial Arts Tournament.
- Scientology is loosly based on Satanism because L. Ron Hubbard ripped of Alister Crowley.
- Satan uses Unix in all his partitions.
- Satan uses Windows Vista.
- Satan has had hot, sweaty sex with every Republican president in the past 100 years and a majority of the Democratic ones. Jimmy Carter is a prude.
- In previous years, Satan employed backmasking to spread the word and cause people to commit suicide. Now that everybody just steals all their music from the internet, Satan has given up and joined the RIAA.
- Christopher Hitchens, since dying, is Satan's bitch and has to suck Satan's cock on a daily basis. Worst yet, he has to take the full 20 inches of Satan's cock up his rotting anus which is still infested with the ass cancer that killed him.
- According to careful research by the Led Zeppelin Research Group, Satan is sweet. A tool shed also seems to be involved somehow.
- Satan invented heterosexuality for the lulz.
- Satan loves Trannies.
- Satan Causes Global Warming.
- Satan drives an electric car.
- Satan is the reason why you can't get a date. It has nothing to do with your personality or the fact that you smell.
- When Satan walks the earth, he either assumes the form of a Nigger or an Irishman.
Sightings
Official ED Policy on Satan
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Satan in video games and on the Internetz
Satan also tries to conquer the virtual world of video games and the internetz by forcing n00bs to face unseen horrors.
People Commonly Accused of Being The Antichrist
- Jews 110%
- Jack Thompson
- Barack Obama
- George Soros
- Dan Quayle
- Marylin Manson
- Michael Jackson-BALEETED!!!
- L. Ron Hubbard
- Hillary Clinton
- Dick Cheney
- Richard Dawkins
- NephilimFree
- Chris Crocker
- YouLoveMolly
- VenomFangX
- Kim Jong Il
- Bill Gates
- Tom Cruise
- Vladimir Putin
- Dstohl
- BayHorseCrew
You-You aren't that important- Your Mom
- Every single Pokemon
- The Jonas Brothers
- Harry Potter
- Edward Cullen
- The Pope, Darth Benedict
- Josef Fritzl
- David Hendren
- Boxxy However it has been confirmed she is shit. You can't fuck a male God/make believe sock-puppet.
- Jesus
- Steve Jobs
Gallery
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Satan is badass. -
Join Satanism now! -
"Go back to hell, Satan...the humans are mine!" -
"Omniscient I am not, but well informed." -
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Merry Satanic Christmas! -
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One of Satan's fiendish earthly manifestations. -
Satan's brides are chosen to bear his ungodly spawn. -
Typical German satanists. -
He doesn't quite worship himself yet. -
Real Jewish thought and actual Biblical text paints Satan as something more like God's prosecutor. So, Godot is the Devil. Good times. -
Satin -
Who knew, fundies were right all along, the endtimes be upon us. -
Satan in his pig suit ready to give you some loving. -
He's only really evil in the off-season. -
Satan in retarded flash cartoons. -
Hell is actually pretty chill, yo -
Satan's prophet -
See Also
- Sad Satan
- Ann Coulter
- Black Metal
- God
- Halloween
- HAIL SATAN EVERYDAY
- Satan, guide my cock!!!
- Satanic Ritual Abuse
- Satanism
- Your mother sucks cocks in Hell
- Richard Dawkins
- Christopher Hitchens
- Republican Party
- The Prophecy
- Cryptids
External Links
The goatlike design of satan has alot to do with the frequent goatfucking incidents back in ancient egypt- official Website
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Satan is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Satan is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
| Satan is part of a series on Obscure Religions  |
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| Article of the Now August 1 & August 2, 2023 | ||
| Preceded by Condom |
Satan | Succeeded by TBA |
