Croatia

Croatian during its proudest days.

Croatia (Nezavisna Drzava Hrvatska) is one of the many parts of oddly shaped debris that was left over after the Socialist Republic of Yugoslavia pressed the self-destruct button back in the 90's. Before we begin, it is important to note three important points which will make understanding Croatia and it's particular brand of insanity much easier:

1. In croatia - everything that can be politicized is politicized, mercilessly.
2. Croats are absolutely incapable of governing themselves and will jump at the first opportunity they get to be some other country's bitch. However, once they are being pleasantly buttfucked by said country, they will immediately start plotting and subverting against their oppressors, no matter how beneficial their rule was.
3. For the most time, Croats are generally docile and complacent and will let you abuse them and rob them seven ways 'til Sunday BUT BEWARE! Once they have a capable leader who utters the magical words "For God and Country", they will transform into ruthless warriors who will gleefully slaughter and rape whoever or whatever opposes them, including themselves.
4. Serb = kill.

History

Croatian history gets off to a pretty good start (read - fail) as they don't even know who their ancestors were, seriously. There exist at least a dozen theories about the ethnogenesis of Croats.

• The mainstream theory is that Croats were a tribe of slavs living somewhere in "White Croatia" who then migrated south when they got tired off all the snow and drunken Russians who they had to share their booze with.

• The second one is for teh edgy historians who claim that croats were the bastard offspring of hungarian warrior elite - the Avars and native Illyrians. This would explain why Croats mostly fail in everything, like Albanians do, but still have traces of warriors in their genes.

• The Gothic Theory: Based on an account of some priest named Dukljan who wrote that "Goths" were descending onto the adriatic towns and raping everyone and everything they could. This theory was used to fool Hitler into believing that Croats were actually Goths and should thus be BFFs with Germnas and most definitely should not be purged from the world for being filthy salvs, really.

• The Iranian Theory: Hey! there is a province in Iran which kinda sounds like our name, and there are also two stone tablets where one word kiiinda looks like Hurohoathos, this means that surely we are arabs! Popular in recent time with trendy leftists and muslim-lovers who'd like to see Croatian and indeed Europe become a third world shithole in the name of progressiveness and islamophilia.

From abouth 7.th century onwards, Croatia was your standard run-of-the-mill medieval fantasy kingdom, with knights and castles and a few witches to burn. However, this merry time was not to last. In 1102 AD, the Croats murdered their last king - Zvonimir after he politely suggested that they should go on a crusade and curb the growing number of mudslimes who were multiplying in the Holy Land. Since croats like to present themselves as bigger catholics than the pope himself, but are nowhere to be seen when the push comes to shove, this was quite to be expected. However, Zvonimir in his dying breath, cursed all Croats so that they will never have their own to lead them and would get a mighty craving for foreign cock. The curse holds true 'til this very day.

The following 700 were spent pretty much fighting against Ottomans they failed to purge when Zvonimir asked them. The only useful thing to come from this period was the experience the Croats got in removing kebab, a skill becoming quite sought after in modern day.

Things started getting interesting after WW1 when the infamous hatred between Serbs and Croats was born. Serbs, which are a fail nation in their own way, wanted to create a great serbian empire to compensate for their small dicks, but all the land was already taken by far stronger nations. The Croats meanwhile got this silly notion that all the southern slavs should unite under a single state in order to become stronger and live in brotherly unity. Serbs naturally saw an opportunity and united with their northern brothers thus creating the first Yugoslavia. The Croats, for all of their sheepishness actually had more than two brain cells to rub together and soon realized what the Serbs were up to.Brotherly faiths engaging in a polite theological discourse

The Croats and the Serbs started to bitch-fight more and more but then World War II happened. Hitler, who was first amicable towards Yugoslavia, soon learned just what a shithole it was and decided to rip it all up and start over. Croats were given their own pseudo - state: the Independent State of Croatia (Nezavisna Država Hrvatska) ran by a guy named Ante Pavleić, who was hiding in Italy with his posse of fags before becoming Hitler's bitch. Pavelić was such a great patriot and Crot, that he immediately gave away half the country to Benito fucking Mussolini, a living cartoon character, in order to sleaze up to him. The rest of NDH was happily living free under german boot, the kindly germans relieving them of burdensome natural resources and men, who were shipped off to fight for the glory of the Third Reich. The Croats, in order to repay such acts of charita and goodness, opened up concentration camps at Jasenovac, Stara Gradiška and Belica. However, instead of exterminating Jews, with whom Croats had little to no beef, Croats started exterminating Serbs! The Croats were so vile and brutal that the motherfucking SS started shitting bricks when they saw what they were doing. Meanwhile, the rest of the croatian populace, who were not (nearly) as batshit insane as Ustashe, started having second thoughts about the whole NDH thing. Enter Josip Broz Tito.

Tito was an ordinary croat fellow until he saw the light of communism. He heroically ran for the woods and started organizing glorious people's resistance with his butt buddies - the partisans against Germans and Ustashes. This was not hard to do as while thss was happening, Hitler was getting assraped by the USSR and could not commit to the things yugoslavia. Tito was a military genius, he single - handedly won the war by feigning to go across a certain bridge, then blowing up said bridge instead of crossing it, then looking all sad until the Germans looked away, the re-building said bridge, crossing it and then blowing it up again. After seeing this, the Germans said fuck it and promptly fucked off, leaving their supporters who wanted to go with them to be massacred justly punished for their crimes by Tito's cronies.

After World War II, Tito established the Socialist Federative People's Republic of Yugoslavia, or Yugoslavia 2.0. Croatia became a federal unit within the new communist state and was again being unjustly oppressed. Tito was a ruthless butcher who oppressed the croats with communism and progress, building up the ruined country after the war.

File:File:N.Zagreb.jpg

AAAAARRRGGGHHH LOOK AT ALL THE PROGRESS WE'RE OPPRESSED WITH!

. On the other hand Tito was simultaneously adored by the Croats as he was a Croat himself, and also the only person who told Stalin go fuck himself and lived. Sadly, the monstrous Tito died in 1980 and Yugoslavia imploded in a little more than a decade. The main culprits were again - the Serbs, who once again wanted to create their "celestial empire". Croats were one again riled up into a murderous rage by Franjo Tuđman, a political dissident who bravely sat in a jail for bitching about Tito's rule. Tuđman got a brilliant idea of using the old trigger - words "God" and "Country" separately and interchangeably thus riling up the populace to levels never before seen. After the Serbs were curbstomped and sent to their decaying third Yugoslavia to lick their wounds. Franjo, in a bout of patriotism and love for his people, decided to privatize the state and community owned enterprises and create an elite "200 families" who would then rule Croatia in their peace and prosperity.

Since then, Croatia has been living happily in idyllic peace. Even after the great economic meltdown of 2007-2008, croatian citizens boldly go about their business, rummaging through dumpsters and wrestling with neck crunching loans and mortgages, safe and content in their knowledge that they are independent and free. In 2013, Croatia became a proud member of the European Union, tus fulfilling the age old dream (and a certain curse) of being a member of progressive, democratic Europe, and living safely under the benign patronage of Brussel bureaucrats who know what is best for them.

Culture

Croatia has a rich and interesting cultural heritage. Some of the age old traditions and rituals include: Hating Serbs, bitching about everything, drinking Coffe for hours instead of working, procrastinating, hating communists, Kolinje (slaughtering pigs on a massive scale across the whole land, the pigs may or may not be a stand-in for a particular hated group), being subservient. hating Russians, sucking Germany and America's dick etc.

Geography

Croatia, unlike most other countries in the world who look like blobs, actually has a particular shape, though no one can agree what that shape is, some say that it's a crocodile who's devouring Bosnia, or a dove, or a pretzel/bannana, the possibilities are endless.

Croatia is divided up into several geographical regions:

• Dalmatia - Stretching to the south, a lovely land filled with loud-mouthed Dalmatians who will be overjoyed to tell you how stupid the inlanders are, invite you to a nice BBQ, charge you five times the amount of money for various goods during the tourist season, and fucking your girlfriend/wife/daughter while you aren't looking. Is actually pretty nice near the sea, but go deeper into the inland and you will find a barren wasteland not unlike that in Iraq or Afghanistan

• Istria - A piece of land jutting on the far west end of the country. Filled with closeted communists and Titoists who think they are better than everyone else and are harbouring secret dreams of seccession. Famous for constantly arguing with Slovenia about who invented or has right to use the indigenous foods and beverages, and sell them to the EU for those sweet sweet euros.

• Zagorje - Located in the extreme north-west of Croatia, just beyond the Medvednica mountain. This is the croatian equivalent of Dumbfuckistan's "deep south", though somewhat nicer looking on the surface. Filled with inbred, constantly drunken wine farmers happily breeding with their daughters beneath the hills featuring refurbished castles of their feudal overlords now turned museums.

• Slavonia - A territory comprising the northeastern/upper "arm" of Croatia. Rumour has it that there are several people here who actually have a work ethic and minimal amount of mental illnesses that plague the rest of Croatia. Has the potential to be the breadbasket of southeastern Europe, but the majority of farmers there are to busy mooching off of generous governmental incentives for farming, in order to actually farm anything. This area saw widespread combat during the Yugoslav Wars, so there are plenty of mine fields which kill a couple of schmucks every year.

• Zagreb - The proud capital of Croatia. With a population of ~700k citizens, this bustling megalopolis is the beating heart of the whole country. It is so important in fact, that the rest of the country, (with the exception of four or five other larger cities), is being slowly deserted, as the population is either migrating into Zagreb itself, or getting the hell out of Croatia altogether. Since almost all crooks, rapists and mafiosi became politicians, the city's streets are actually perfectly safe at night.

Economy

Since the Yugoslav Wars decimated the industry of Croatia, and building new factories (let alone working or even running them) is too much work, Croatia's main industry is tourism, only tourism.

Every year at around april or may, frantic activity begins in the small country. Thousands of Croats hurry down to the coast and undergo metamorphosis into waiters, chefs, tourist guides, caterers and other service workers. Starting in june, hordes of Germans, Austrians, Ukrainians, Russians, Britons and other decadent and lazy denizens of Europe descend upon the croatian shores. There, they are serviced as kings and lulled into a comfortable stupor as the diligent croatian drones suck away at their precious foreign currencies. By september, the tourists mostly leave and the coastal resorts become deserted. The various service workers then revert back to ordinary jobless citizens and hurry back to their inland hive cities to feed their young with spoils of tourism.

Politics

Just as in another democratic countries, the best two or three parties have merged and dominate the political landscape. Since it's independence in 1991. Croatia has been stolen from by politicians left, right and center. Since Croats as a nation just love to have someone stomping on their necks and seldom rebel, the fat political elite of either stripe can operate in peace and accumulate ever increasing amount of wealth for their descendants. Croatia has a plethora of political parties for You to choose from:

• Hrvatska Demokratska Zajednica (Croatian Democratic Community) - Founded modern Croatia in 1991. A centre-right party comprised of honest businessmen, patriots and other fine men. Have a love/hate relationship with SDP. Currently the ruling party.

• Socijal Demokratska Partija (Social Democrats) - Formed from the leftover communists progressives and liberals. They fight for progress, civic values and socialism. Have a love/hate relationship with HDZ.

• MOST Nezavisnih Lista (BRIDGE of Independent Lists) - A newcomer party. About half of the party is comprised out of county governors who managed to successfully run their counties forward, instead of into the ground. The other half is made up of hanger-ons and opportunistic fucktards. It's platform is...umm...progress and honesty..i guess?

• Živi Zid (The Living Wall) - The most recent addition to the political rooster of Croatia (that matters). The party is somewhat...special. How special you may ask? Well, the leader, Ivan Vilibor Sinčić sounds and behaves like a new-age guru whenever he actually decides to show up, his wife (yup, they are both in the same party, nepotism anyone?), Vladimira Palfi has a chronic case of PMS but the real nutter is most definitely Ivan Pernar. Pernar has been entertaining the croatian public with his parliamentary hijinx such as claiming that Croatia is NATO's pawn, military radars cause cancer, that global warming and evolution are scams and claiming that it's all the Jew's fault.

=The People

The people in Croatia can be roughly divided into two major categories, the knuckle dragging "big croat" right-wing neanderthals and pseudo-intellectual pansy crypto communist left-wing pussies. There also exist a small number of what could pass for NORPs, living life of quiet desperation or being in the process of getting the heck out with whatever they can carry.

Like many of the other Ex-Yu-States, Croatia is nationalist to the bones, mainly hating on the Serbs, who are more or less the same Slavic people but members of a different flavour of Jesuslovers. Unlike the other Ex-Commies down there, the Croats enjoy their own homebrew version of fascism, which they preserved for better times since the end of WWII.

The Croatian Fascist is called an "Ustashe" and is an overachiever; back in the day, they did their best (worst?) to do a better job at fascisting than the Italians or the Germans, building their own concentration camps, having Catholic priests in their death commandos, and being so disgusting that even the fucking SS was creeped out by them, which is comparable to Hannibal Lecter inviting some unsuspicious douche in for "dinner" only to get grossed out by him and fear for his life. Even the Führer himself decided that he didn't want those guys to have a seat down the table after he would run the planet, and so he said, “I will finish with this regime one day—but not now!"

Unfortunately, the war went south for the Reich, and so the Ustashe just were bitch slapped two or three times by Marshal Tito, which is why they are still around.

How to troll them:

• Tell them that Tito was a good and benign ruler who turned a mockery that was NDH into a socialist heaven.
• Asky them why Ante Pavelić sold off half of Croatia to Italians.
• Tell them that Ustashe wore brown uniforms, not black.
• Mention how Hitler referred to the balkan states as Dreckstaaten ("literally Shit-states"), including NDH.
• Since they like to tout how great Catholics and Christians they are, ask them how they would justify killing little children in concentration camps (the sick fucks really did that).
• Tell them that Germany was sapping Croatia's resources and manpower, and that the best the Croatian people could hope for was to be second-class citizens of the Third Reich, working like peasants for their german overlords.

The other baleful spawn of Croatian history is the "Komunjara" (commie). These are more stealthy and insidious, having infiltrated major croatian universities where they fill the heads of students with lies and communism. These fucktards would like nothing more than to restore Yugoslavia since they miss that sweet sweet feeling of Serbian/Communist dick in their anus. Pretending to be progressive and tolerant, but if given any greater degree of power they would likely turn the country into a gay communist shithole.

Fortunately, since communism is inherently a self-destructing ideology, time ultimately ended their dream-state of Yugoslavia.

How to troll them:

• Aks them how an "enlightened" and cosmopolitan communist/socialist regime could kill people who merely had a different opinion.
• Mention that the notorious Jasenovac extermination camp continued to operate well into the 1948.
• Mention Goli Otok
• Tell them that Tito was a russian spy and that real Tito was murdered and replaced in Russia by Stalin.
• Tell them that Yugoslavia was living off of foreign loans and was only kept afloat due to said loans and it's geopolitical significance during the Cold War.
• Tell them that Tito was a traitor to Stalin and that you, as a "right thinking" communist think of them as a disgrace. Alternatively, just replace Tito and Stalin.

Trump this Nazi Faggs!

The Sea

The Adriatic is a bit cleaner in Croatia than in Italy, mainly because there are less refugees drowning in it, and hotels, long drinks, and hookers are much cheaper than in Montenegro, also there are less fucking Muslims here than in both Italy and Montenegro, not to mention the coastline is longer than in Slovenia.

Freaks to encounter

• Fascists, a lot of them
• Tourists form central and northern Europe
• Marxists
• Titoists
• Jihadists, travelling to France and Germany
• The Boxjellyfish, these fuckers will kill you dead
• Bears, smaller than the Grizzly but still bigger than you
• The ghost of Marshal Tito
• Some guy selling donkey rides
• Your mom, selling rides