Borderlands
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Borderlands (Moar like Boredomlands AMIRITE?) is a ground-breaking game concept - take Fallout 3, make the combat more like Halo, add a randomizing technology à la Diablo II, steal characters from Killzone, throw in the meatheads from Gears of War, then give it a Mad Max skin,place the game on planet Pandora(100% original name), and finally, suck out any inovation. Clearly, this is the most original game evar. The only reason anyone bought this game is because they thought it was an expansion to the original game, Fallout 3. What they got was LOTSA FUCKIN' PURDY GUNZ!!!
Plot
—Borderlands, Don't forget your Pip Boy | ||
Fallo... excuse me, Borderla... Aw, who the fuck are we kidding. Let's face it, this is just Oblivion with guns, minus Oblivion. Anyway, the game places you in the role of a mercenary on the lawless and desolate planet of Pandora, hell-bent on finding a legendary stockpile of powerful alien technology known as The Vault. Everyone thought it would have lots of metals to sell and get rich. Prisoners were used for cheap labor to make even more money. However, it turned out that there were very little metals to be mined and everyone could leave. Apparently, this left just a few civilians and a shitload of prisoners. After 7 Earth years, the planet's winter ended and a bunch of crazy animals woke up, adding another scoop to this shit sundae. You play as one of the 'Vault hunters', looking for a hidden cache of animal treasure.
Sure, there's lots of guns, but it's guaranteed that if you've got an IQ that tops that of a 13-year-old boy you'll find this repetitious shit fun for all of about 10 minutes. After that, you find out everything looks like a bombed-out desert and tent-cities, there's only like 6 unique gun models for each weapon type, and the AI system could be bested if you played through the whole game controlling everything with just your dick. To make matters worse, every time you get killed because your shield ran out too fast, you respawn at a "New-U" Station, which makes you go broke after about four times. Playing Borderlands is like taking a 10 hour long shit after eating a tray full of nails and razorblades; the only thing you'll like about the whole experience is when it finally ends. Of course, that goes without saying that the whole game just leads up to opening a vault and fighting some dumbass alien blob who got himself trapped in there years ago. No treasure, no weapons, just a big dumb-fuck to shoot at with all your lame ass guns.BTW SPOILERS Nobody has actually been able to make it through the game and it has been rummored that the game never ends and that the quests just stop comming after a while.
DLCs
As with any cash-cow, this game was bound to release a few hundred things for outrageous prices for next to no redeemable gameplay value. tl;dr - OOOOOH SHINY NEW GUNS LOLOL!
One of the first DLCs for the game, Zombie Island of Dr. Ned, was based off horror movie cliches with a Borderlands' "twist". What ended up happening was it being a cross between Left 4 Dead zombies and a few Resident Evil crows for good measure. There were also Frankensteins and "Were-Skags," which are exactly like they sound - werewolves made out of bug-dogs and people. Anyway, the actual plotline was first helping Dr Ze...er, Ned with the outbreak of zombies, of which he created over some fight about people stealing his popcorn all the damn time. At first it's annoying, and completely the same as playing the main game. Then the Crimson Lance zombies come, you set up the computer, and you're forced into a 5-minute fire-fight with an endless horde of vomiting zombies with guns, swords, and grenades until the Jakob's company finally sends you a missile-shaped escape pod with a lot of fuck-you banter in doing so. Oh, and then some shit happens in the Lumberyard and you "meet" Shaggy and Scooby, fight a giant zombified Dr. Ned, and other things that really don't do anything of value but give you more experience and a few cool weapons (namely insta-gib regen shotguns that just rain from the bodies of big things).
The second DLC, Mad Moxxi's Underdome Riot, is unsurprisingly, just a rip-off of moar games. This time, Gears of War and Doom were the basis of theft. Horde-mode, God Mode, and strange, vortex-like manipulators on the planet that make less gravity, plus other bland shit like that, mostly. The story's a bit sketchy to explain in detail, more something to be experienced. Well that, and you need to have a shitload of active friends online to play it to the full benefit. Anyway, Mad Moxxi made it out of the canyons you were stranded in after Fyrestone or something, and decided s/he wanted to be a boss of its own gang. But, s/he didn't want just any gang, s/he wanted some of the biggest, baddest, ballsiest bastards to join s/him and its running crew. So, in the snowy hellpits and crater-loaded death-hills of this already butt-ugly planet, you and friends must fight Psychopaths and Bandits in a fight to gain control of the GRAETEST ARENA EVAR. And I guess you get decent armor this time around, but you'll probably sell that for rock and keep playing games of "Find the Siren".
The Third DLC, The Secret Whorehouse of General Fagg, basically gives you moar vehicles(actually only 2 more, but nobody uses the new ones),moar crappy guns and moar wide open landscape with absolutely nothing in it, except for Half-Life rip-offs. The story is that there is some bitch called Athena who decides she doesn't want to suck crimson lance dicks anymore. So she runs away from General Knoxx, her pimp. Knoxx goes and sends his other bitches to get his favourite bitch back, but then she gets caught by Skank somehow (she had a fucking teleporter, dumb bitch) and becomes his bitch. You kill Skank and help her get away for some reason, well you don't save her so you can have your dick sucked so I have no fucking idea why. Sometime afterwards you go to Knoxx who went emo and is about to become an hero cuz it was monday, his dick sucking day, and he had no bitches left. Anyways, you kill him. Then you only have 3 minutes to enjoy his whorehouse. That's pretty much it. You find out that Moxxi is Scooter's mom, Skank is her second husband and Marcus is her third. Also you get to fight a Giant Enemy Crab(seriously) at the end. BTW SPOILERS
The fourth DLC, Craptrap's Failed Robot Revolution, gives you even more crappy guns, and you face Hyperion's version of the Crimson Lance. Broken from release for about a month before patched, you couldn't level up, you couldn't get any of the achievables [or trophies for you PS3 fag] and giving you every quest that the morons you play online with hasn't finished making it impossible to find your mission amongst the spam of shitty low level missions. A Ninja claptrap (which is even more fail than the regular ones) comes to Pandora and unites the claptraps in a revolt, and they take over every bad guy you've killed many times before, and turn their corpses into robots. Because of this, Hyperion (the guys who sent the ninja claptrap to kill you in the first place) tasks you with stopping the Robolution. The only upside is that this gives you an excuse to kill claptraps for great justice, and you can blow away those little fuckers all you want, since there's no shortage of them. Also Tannis tells you to collect the parts from dead claptraps so she can make a giant dildo out of them. That's about it. Now that you've finished the story your OCD will kick in and force you to get the 4 other collectable lots, 3 Pink Panties, 5 Goldfish, 15 Pizzas, 5 3D Glasses, 15 Bobble-Heads and 25 Cans of Oil that only every at least 100 kills forcing oyu to kill OVER 9000! Craptraps for roughly 3 weeks straight which becomes even funner when oyu only need 1 Bobble-Head and you constently get everything else.
Gameplay
Borderlands is a mix between an RPG and a first-person shooter. You can choose between four character classes (more on that below), each with it's own unique ability. The game has between 100,000-3,000,000 guns, about two dozen types of Halo-esque shields and far too many grenade mods. However, none of this matters because the game is a button-mashing grind-fest. All you do is complete boring, repetitive missions and shoot the same enemies over and over again - BUT WITH DIFFERENT GUNZ!!!
—Borderlands, because there's only 10 hours worth of gameplay here | ||
Missions
The best way to describe the missions in Borderlands? Think WoW with only 4 people per server. Every single mission is either "I want/lost X - find it and give it to me for loot," or "This guy is a faggot, go kill him and I will give you something nice". In short, you pretty much just do the same thing over and over again.
Weapons
There are 9 types of weapons (10 if you include melee, 11 if you include Brick's fists). Each weapon has a brand which give different bonuses, and the guns may have elemental damage.
- Pistols: Balanced guns that are only used by newfags.
- Revolvers: The .357 Magnum from Half-Life 2, now with magical powers and slow reload.
- SMGs: Pull the trigger and piss bullets. Weak as shit, but a great spammer.
- Shotguns: For shooting things IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!11!.
- Assault rifles: Burst fire SMG. Usually have shitty magazines with like 10 bullets. Weapon of choice for cousin fuckers.
- Rocket lauchers: Sucks dick and is usually shittier than any other weapon at killing anything. Suggested for use only at very close range.
- Sniper rifle: I'M STILL GETTING THE HEADSHOTS ITS LIKE BOOM HEADSHOT! BOOM HEADSHOT! BOOOOM HEADSHOT!
- Alien weapons: Xenu's personal arsenal. Unlimited ammo and fucktons of damage; the only gun you ever need to win.
- Grenades: Use real time weapon spam to 'nade enemy respawns for massive damage.
Or you could just do what everybody else does online. Ignore all the above and get a modded weapon. If you don't have a modded weapon, you are a total fag.
Classes
- Lilith: The game's mandatory fuck-puppet with a deep voice. She can turn into a ghost and have sex with bad guys until they submit to her, or, in other words, put the ho back in her place. Her other special abilities include cooking and cleaning, important abilities that every woman should have.
- black person: A black person who used to pick cotton until he started getting Welfare checks from the government. He later joined the military so that he could steal their guns. His special ability let's him become an Engineer. Comes to the planet to steal some Crimson Knight-themed bikes.
- Brick: That big fuck from Gears of War. Suffers from roid-rage and an acute case of micro-penis, much like the player. Coincidentally, he uses this 'roiding as a special ability, Hulkin' out and fist-rapes enemies.
- Mexican: The game's bitch luchadore, who's looking for some kind of repayment for the crap he's dealt with (apparently the sweet beard isn't enough). Deported to the Middle East to shoot the guys from Killzone after his Green Card expired.
Enemies
Arab: they are batshit insane people who go around looting stuff in order to survive. They are everywhere and all they do is run directly towards you or stand in one place and shoot at you.
Crabwormlarvae: Underground crab things that can be killed pretty easily.
Crimson Lance: A group of high-level soldiers that have great weapons and shields. They have been known to kill civilians and disregard the law.
Guardians: A bunch of alien/robot things that fire lasers and stab you with lightsabers.
Rakks: A bunch of bird-dragon things that fly around and annoy the player by causing them to waste ammo. Not to worry, though, as ammo apparently grows on trees and is left just about everywhere.
Rakk Hive: Huge monsters that Rakks live on, and can rape you in a minute flat if you're not prepared. Best to kill by aiming for the eyes and spam grenades.
Outriders: Bandits in a car, ready to wreck your shit. Of course, their driving in a circle is hardly a need for alarm.
Scythid: Giant bug-things that crawl off of powerlines or out of your mom's snatch. Attack much like Skags do, except for the fact some blow up when you kill them up-close.
Skags: They are fairly common alien-dog enemy and pretty easy to beat, except for you, because as an anon you cannot fight the power of dogs. They also throw up what they can't digest, mainly being bones, guns, ammo and jewgold. THEY ZERG RUSH.
Spiderant: They are kind of hard to explain, but they are creatures that either roll really fast and ram you or fire globs of corrosive jizz at you.
ClapTrap
The ClapTraps (pronounced 'forced meme') are the uni-cycled robots inhabiting the world of Borderlands, which you'll come across several times on your journey and are more or less designed to be the "comedic" sidekick of the game.
Unfortunately, Gearbox missed the mark by several miles of creating a popular "Companion cube" like mascot character that's enduring and popular (Jew) to players, but what they didn't realize was that the idea of an annoying little robot that talked in a stupid electronic voice and went around dancing had already been used. (They also took the name "ClapTrap" from another entertainment franchise worshipped by nerds.) ClapTraps are living proof that robots can develop Assburgers.
The only reason to talk to these fucking things is they give you more space to your back pack for helping them, other than that, stay the fuck away from them, lest you run the risk of ramming your fist through the television to end their rage inducing unfunny bullshit.
—gay | ||
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Duke Nukem Demo
When you buy Borderlands Game of the Year edition besides coming with all the addon's that you wasted forty bucks on also comes with an exclusive Duke Nukem demo on all systems. Though if you got the game through Steam and use the best console you can download the demo.
Rave Reviews
—Gamers.at | ||
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Images
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Pandora has a huge BBW culture -
YEE-HAW! -
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Think I just shat a brick
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They even have Spiderants, only in Pandora! -
One of many bugs. -
Nigga gonna steal my CAR -
Also, he has 3 balls -
Cosplayers can even ruin shit.
Videos
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Trolling
Fanbois
- Ask where the REAL melee weapons are.
- Ask for modded stuff.
- Mention the words "fall" and "out" in the same sentence on a Borderlands forum.
- Telling them an assault rifle with 97% accuracy and 215 damage isn't nearly as satisfying as having a life.
- Tell them the following based on which character they play
- If they play as Lilith, it is because they desperately want a girlfriend and will never get laid.
- If they play as Roland, it is because they are a wigger, or possibly a chav.
- If they play as Brick, it is because they are a fat fuck who wishes he had chunk-power.
- If they play as Mordecai, it is because they want to be a badass but are afraid to leave the basement.
- Tell them that WoW is an MMO that has more than just 4 players per server.
- Tell them Wolfenstein had better graphics.
- Tell them that an original art style doesn't mean jack shit if the only colors used are gray and brown.
- Ask them if the game ends once you get to vault 13
- Tell them you have the troll repeater pistol and want to trade it for a hex for your diablo character.
Online Tips (add more as you come by them)
- Attach your character with the "Transfusion" Grenade modifier, and start a Duel with your partner(s). Works best as Brick in a tight, confined space (Lost Cave, some Arenas, etc.) with about 5-6 grenades, and bonus points if you scream ALLAH ACKBAR! while doing do.
- As Roland or Brick, take off aimlessly into a dangerous area full of "Badass" bandits, skags, etc., then run back to your teammate(s) and either keep running and turn around to see if they survive, or quit and see if you'll even play together again.
- As Lilith, four words: Phasewalk the entire Duel.
- As Brick, scream the entire time you beat up Roland bare-handed, "PUNCH SOLDIERS RECEIVE GUNS!"
- As Mordecai or possibly Roland, run off from your group and hide out in a house or somewhere unseen around a Bandit spawn-point, and "blend in" as your partners get raped. When they reach Dying, run over to them, heal them, THEN challenge them to a Duel.
- As Roland, constantly ask where the white wimminz at, even if Lilith's in the group. ESPECIALLY if Lilith's in the group.
- Get yourself a modded gun and shield, so that you can kill anything and be unkillable. Then go into a game with noobs and continuously demand that you dual with them. Bonus points if you're in the middle of a fight. Win and claim that you have skillz or rub it in their face. Demand that you have another dual. Win and rub. Repeat.
Fun Facts
- There are actually Achievements/Trophies for playing this game for moar then 10-12 days, and upwards. What this breaks down to is leaving the game on Pause while watching something on TV or going outside, which you won't if you're trying to get these intentionally. OR, it would be if 12 Days of Pandora wasn't just for getting a certain number kills with each weapon type. Some people get anal-retentive when fact-checking.
- One of the Awards you can get involves playing with a member of Quuerbox, or someone that's already played with them, and then sharing that Award with other people online.
See Also
External Links
- 34'd, for your pleasure
- Borderlands Official Site
- Fæcesbook Page
- Fæcesbook Fan Page
- FORUMS!
- Gearbox owner's Twatter
- How do I hax gaem on PC?
- Wikia Page
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