James Bond

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Bond in action.
Daniel Craig whips out his secret weapon.
A Jewish wet-dream.
Bond dealing with a would-be assailant in Diamonds Are Forever.

According to Wikipedia, Commander Sir James Bond, (RSPCA, RNLI) - an officer of the British Special Overseas Service (SOS) - has long been a household name and remains a huge influence within the genre like Angelina Jolie. The "James Bond Theme" - Yakety Sax - was written by Sheena Easton and was first orchestrated by the Barry Norman for 1962's Film '97, although the actual authorship of the music has been a matter of controversy for many years. The author, Ian Fleming, based the character on himself but unlike ordinary Mary Sues made a fuck load of money.

Dr. No

On April 5 1958 the New Statesman published a review entitled "Sex, snobbery and sadism" [1], part of which reads;

 
“ 		 
The plot can be briefly described. James Bond, an upper-class Secret Service Agent, is sent by his sadistic superior, M., to Jamaica, to investigate strange incidents on a nearby island. By page 53, Bond's bodyguard, a faithful and brutal Negro called Quarrel, is already at work, twisting the arms of Chinese girl to breaking point. She gouges his face with a broken flash bulb, and in return, he smilingly squeezes the fleshy part of her thumb (described by Fleming as the 'Mount of Venus', because if it is well-developed then the girl is 'good in bed') until she screams. ('She's Love Moun' be sore long after ma face done get healed', chortles Quarrel.) Next, Bond's mysterious enemies attempt to poison her with cyanide loaded jenkem, and then insert a six-inch long venomous centipede in her vagina. (She could feel it nuzzling at her skin. It was drinking! Drinking the beads of lady juice!').
  		„
 

The book immediately soared to the top of the charts, and has been a favourite on the exam syllabus of English schools ever since.

The Films

Connery & Lazenby

Sean Connery posing with an impromptu air-pistol.
  • Dr. No: A 00 agent and his secretary get raped by cane-carrying Black guys and Bond travels to Jamaica and fucks the shit up of a Chinese-German doctor who in fact is Canadian.
  • From Russia with Love: Dr. Evil is butthurt about the death of Dr. No and unsuccessfully tries to kill Bond and set up a sex scandal. It does feature Robert Shaw as a relatively badass mercenary but he dies from being manhandled by Bond.
  • Goldfinger: Crazy fat Nazi who wants to blow up Fort Knox, stopped because Bond got in the pants of his female fighter pilot Pussy Galore.
  • Thunderball: This one hints at the major faggotry to come later. Crazy italian guy with an eyepatch jacks 2 nukes and Bond once again works his way into the pants of his mistress to save the day.
  • You Only Live Twice: Filled with lame sex jokes and you see Ernst Stavro Blofeld/Dr. Evil's face.
  • On Her Majesty's Secret Service: Completely shit. Lazenby replaces Connery for a god-awful try at bond, Dr. Evil is turned into a pedophile who chopped off his earlobes and kills Bond's wife.
  • Diamonds are Forever: Somehow as bad as OHMSS, a complete attempt to cash in on Connery as the last film was a deserved box office flop. Features two gay assassins who are beaten in a handwave by Bond and a silly Moon Buggy chase which proves the NASA moonlanding is a hoax. Fact: The lead singer was told to think about a penis when singing the intro song.

Moore

  • Live and Let Die: Filled with drugs and lame interracial scenes make this only barely watchable.
  • The Man with the Golden Gun: At least Christopher Lee/Dracula is in this. Otherwise it's just absolutely insane, a racist Sheriff from the last film is back somehow and a stupid Bond girl renders this film boring.
  • The Spy who Loved me: A decent outing. Features a cool car, Jaws the henchman with Steel teeth, a grandeur action sequence on a cargo ship and an underwater base.
  • Moonraker: A god awful follow up to the last film. It literally has the exact same plot and henchman Jaws, except it's in space and what ever worked for the last film failed utterly here.
  • For Your Eyes Only: Bond heads to Greece to stop commie Greeks from hijacking a sub code. Half decent, considering the last film was garbage.
  • Octopussy: Okay, you know this film sucks when there's a slang term for Vagoo in the title. Boring, the only fun part is the insane, shouting guy who wants to blow up Germany.
  • A View to a Kill: Christopher Walken!!!!!1!!!ONE!!! Unfortunately the film wastes his talent as Bond was a pedophile (Seriously, Moore was older than the Bond Girl's mother).

Dalton

  • The Living Daylights: Bond shoots the gun of a girl who couldn't aim for shit and heads to Afghanistan to aid the Mujhadeen
  • Licence to Kill: Went up against Indiana Jones and Batman. And lost. This caused mass copyright faggotry to ensue.

Brosnan

  • Goldeneye: Awesome. Good bond girl, a personal villain and great score made it...oh for fuck's sake look this up on Wikipedia!
  • Tomorrow Never Dies: The critics hated it but in all honesty it was ok.
  • The World is not Enough: Bad acting and generic plot ruined this one.
  • Die Another Day: So much explosions you'd mistake this for a Michael Bay movie.

Craig

  • Casino Royale: Daniel Craig and David Niven vie for the affections of Mr. Bean while a faggy french guy blew a nigger's money and Bond gets his balls literally smacked by him.
  • Quantum of Solace: Confusing plot. Also, the plot was shit.
  • Skyfall: M Dies and is replaced by Lord Voldemort. What else is there to say?

The James Bonds

Definitive portrayal.
Although Bond has engaged in numerous relationships with women these are usually only brief liasons and he remains essentially girlfriend free.

Sean Connery - Quite possibly the greatest man on the face of the earth. He has sex with every women who's ever been in any of his 7 films. Why? Cause he's just that fucking cool. He is mostly everyone's favorite along with the films Dr. No and Goldfinger ("DA BESTEST BOND FILMS EVAR" -Roger Ebert).

George Lazenby - This man is a major disgrace to 007. He wasn't even an actor either. The director was all "You wanna be Bond?" And Lazenby says "Great! I'll go grab my stuff!" So anyways, he had one film called On Her Majesty's Secret Service and it was horrid. Bond wears an Ascot and Kilt in the mountains and gets married for teh lulz. Spoiler: Bonds wife gets shot by Dr. Evil at the end of the movie.

Roger Moore - Tied with Sean in number of Bond films. The Spy Who Loved Me and For Your Eyes Only are regarded as the only watchable ones considering Live and Let Die is filled with drug references and the rest are filled with major faggotry and unpunny jokes (Get it? lololololol).

Timothy Dalton - An OK 007 except that after only two movies, MGM forgot the rights to Bond and some kangaroos got hold of them and hopped back to Australia with them. The Russians got them back for MGM and the Cold War ended right then and there.

Pierce Brosnan - Better than the others (Except Sean Connery of course), made some good movies like Goldeneye and Tomorrow Never Dies but the rest are shit. Pierce Brosnan's first Bond movie he saw was Goldfinger and that's how he became Bond

Daniel Craig - Most recent 007. Pretty cool but he's not Sean Connery, but then again there is only one Sean Connery.

The Gadgets

  • The BangBus. Bond cruises the streets look for dumb jailbait to fulfill his beastly public school boy sex on camera.
  • The Umbrella. First hint of rain, and Bond whips out something that looks like an ordinary sword stick but which, at the press of a button, forms a miniature canvas roof.
  • Rollerskates

Kevin McClory and the Thunderball faggotry

Thunderball is a 1961 book and a 1965 film starring Sean Connery. The author of this story, Kevin McClory, was quite possibly the biggest Jew on the face of the earth.

Since he was the author, he thought the entire fucking bond franchise belonged to him. It got to the point where he was suing people for even thinking about Thunderball.

18 years after the movie, McClory decided that the classic starring Sean Connery wasn't good enough and he made his own fucking movie called Never Say Never Again, which also had Connery so what's the fucking point?

In the 90s McClory wanted to remake Thunderball for a THIRD FUCKING TIME. This time however the plug was pulled before major faggotry could ensue.

When McClory died, the rights for Thunderball went up in the air. MGM and Sony tried to win the rights over a game of cricket. Since no one knows how to play cricket, the rights don't currently belong to anyone.

Other James Bond Characters

Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

M: James' boss who gives him orders. M always claims "You can't do this assignment, James" and then Bond says "I had sex with your mother" and M sits down and says "Good day, Bond". From Goldeneye 007 forward M is a woman which makes James whipped to a certain degree. Spoiler: The Female M dies from a scratch at the end of the recent film Skyfall and Lord Voldemort is the new "M"

Q: Old fart that gives James all his gadgets. Also the gadgets are nothing that can ever be used again, it's always some stupid shit that's used for one three minute scene and never mentioned again.

Miss Moneypenny: Bond's bottom bitch, M's secretary. She secretly wants Bond's cock and is constantly asking for it.

The "Bond Girl": A slut who Bond fucks over 9000 times a movie. Her name usually consists of a non-subtle combination of genitals or a sex move. Examples being Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, and Holly Goodhead.

The Villain: Some retarded prick bent on world domination. Their plot usually involves some sort of henchman who does insane batshit to kill Bond like throwing their hat, using a saw-blade yo-yo, and metal teeth. The villain's ultimate demise comes when he talks about why his plan was perfect and how bond fucked everything up, and then Bond grows tired of the monologue and kills him, usually in an unrealistic and retarded manner.

The real James Bond

Bond IRL

1939: Sir Joseph Madeupname ("M" in the Bond novels) devises a plan to rid Britain of upper class homosexuals and the Nazis in one fell swoop. He founds SOS - the Special Overseas Service - and using the enticement of a free blowjob and an enamel badge saying "I licked the Nazis", rounds up all the communist poofs in Oxbridge University and sends them to the country to be roughed up by beefy Marines.

1940: "M" gathers up all the train and plane spotters in the UK and drops them into Nazi-occupied France to "report back on troop movements" thus ridding the UK of that particular sort of weirdo for at least two decades.

1941: British spies sneak into Luftwaffe Headquarters and write "London" over the city of Coventry on the giant wall map in indelible orange crayon, thus diverting the German bombers away from important rich people.

1942: Alan Turing, in between bouts of bumming and being emo, cracks the infamous Nazi Letter Substitution Code.

1943: British spies sneak into Tokyo Imperial High Command and using Letraset (British Empire Wog Typeface Number 23 "Kanji") re-label Pearl Harbour, Hawaii as "Singapore" on all the maps, thereby allowing the British troops in the real Singapore to surrender without a fight.

1944: British intelligence dress a dead sheep in the uniform of a British officer named Brigader-General Joseph Madeupname (DDT, BAA) and float him into Rotterdam harbour. In "his" coat is a letter to "his" Welsh lover that reads "Dear Dyfed, We will be invading Germany through Finland or possibly Albania but definitely not Normandy. Yours for eternity, Fluffy."

1945: Polish patriots under the direction of the Special Overseas Service ride a bicycle very fast towards Amon Goeth, OberJewlighter of Upper Szczebrzeszyn in an assassination attempt. When he hears the news Goeth put his eye out with an overly dramatic Nazi facepalm.

1966: England defeats Germany in the Soccer World Cup putting an end to the Nazi scourge for at least four years.

See Also

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