Neuticles.com
Are your pets embarrassed about being neutered? Their four-legged friends need never know, thanks to Neuticles.com, a website created by Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri, to sell testicular implants that restore the look if not the function of recently removed body parts on dogs, cats, and even horses (US Patent #58-68140).
In an especially nice touch, this website opens with a flash animation of a bouncing ball (naturally). Yes, these cosmetic cojones are no joke; prices start at $69 a pair. Not to be confused with BumperNuts, which provide a similar service for your car.
Many horrified citizens, upon learning about neuticles, have naturally written strongly-worded letters to their congressmen demanding that Gregg A. Miller be hunted down, restrained, and, under local anaesthesia, have huge 90-pound neuticles sewn into each of his facial and buttal cheeks. This would only be fair. This legislation is currently scheduled for review in the Senate, as soon as Larry Craig returns from the men's room where he's been since last thursday.
Origins
Like all maniacs, Miller started with an experiment on an unwitting dog, after his Bloodhound named Buck disappeared and was located days later over 20 miles away. Buck had picked up the scent of a female dog in heat. "It was either neuter Buck or go through the nightmare of him taking off again and the next time I most likely wouldn't find him", Miller told the press.
Miller deserved the 2005 Ig Nobel Prize in Medicine for great justice.
What fucktards pet owners fucktards say
"I've put off neutering 'Crooked Joe' for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen't know he's missing anything." Jeff Lane - Oak Park, Ill, on how his dog "dosen't" know he's missing anything
"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one." Lane Hinderman - Metairie, Louisiana, closet furry
"Baby Snow has all the benefits of being neutered--Neuticles are just a whole lot nicer." Stephen Samual - Redcliff, KY, batshit insane guy who named his pet "Baby Snow"
"Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he's been neutered with Neuticles." Janell Suasser - San Lorenzo, CA, a Hobbit
'"The old way of neutering is 200 years old- Neuticles is about 199 years overdue!"' Eric Leven - Tampa Bay, FL, showing his 1337 math skillz
"A dog is like a kid-consideration for his feelings." Greg Samual - Fresno, CA, on "kid-consideration"
"Just call me a caring pet owner." Trish Fischer - Anchorage, Alaska, call her a caring pet owner
What the media are saying
"Neuticles are just plain neat!" -Rush Limbaugh (I shit you not)
"Now only Fido's veterinarian will know for sure." -The Kansas City Star
"Neuticles are a fix for the fix." -United Features Syndicate
"Neutered dogs have new reason to bark." -The Idaho Stateman
"A re-invention of the mousetrap." -Paul Harvey
"Testicular implants ease trauma of neutering." -The Arizona Republic (O RLY?)
Procedure
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Neuticle on the surgery tray ready for placement. Neuticles come in various sizes and shapes to be custom fitted to each individual. -
The neuticle is gently implanted in place of the testicle. A proper fit is imperative, so it is important to order the proper size ahead of time. -
Suture plz -
This is the final appearance after the placement of the neuticle.
See Also
External Links
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