Doom 3
Doom 3 isn't so much a game, as it is a satire of the FPS genre. The gameplay consists of walking through endless identical metal corridors, shooting a small variety of identical enemies, talking to identical NPCs (who all happen to be some derivation of a bald guy with green eyes or a half asian dude in a yellow jump suit with a Wally Cleaver hairdo), listening to some faggot on a radio telling you where to go next, while you happen upon "audio logs" filled with meaningless purile dialogue that serve as a weak attempt to fill in backstory, and occasionally you'll be tasked with doing random dumb unfun shit, like picking up toxic waste barrels with a claw machine, like you're a fucking waste management technician.
Add to this the game's notoriously shit weapons, B-movie monster closet jumpscares (if you can even call a dead Howie Mandell lurching at you from around a corner "scary"), retarded enemy designs such as a flying bald woman's head with piranha teeth, a fucking sprint meter, a flashlight that you had to toggle because the Xbox version couldn't handle gunfire and dynamic lighting at the same time, so they gimped both console & PC versions (because, big surprise, DOOM 3 is a console shooter and a bad one at that), Reddit-tier references and in-jokes like the heckin' wacky turkey puncher arcade machine, and of course, the "plot" which is akin to an especially bad Vin Diesel movie. Despite having a 5+ minutes long unskippable intro sequence and multiple cutscenes, it somehow manages to be less enthralling than the original game's story which barely existed at all. DOOM 3 is one of the biggest pieces of shit ever made.
As if the game wasn't already irrelevant enough upon its original release in 2004, "id" decided to re-release the game in 2012 and make it even easier by adding more ammo and a always-on flashlight, so that the whiny faggots that couldn't handle the original's stupid gamedesign can experience the complete mediocrity that is Doom 3. They're calling it the "BFG Edition", and it looks like the exact same low-poly plastic shit that it did in 2004, despite their claims of "remastered" graphics. The "Boring Fucking Game" edition also includes a new expansion pack called "The Lost Mission" but it's sadly 8 years too late for anyone to give a shit. And if you thought The Lost Mission would address Doom 3's criticisms (broom closet sized levels, predictable enemy appearances, ect) YOU WERE COMPLETELY FUCKING WRONG!
The whole story of Doom 3, in YouTube videos
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Story
Doom 3
It all begins on Mars in some industrialized hellhole with no green plants or anything colorful, as usually all horror-shooters do. Some nameless fucktard of a marine gets a PDA, which is a vital part of the game (especially useful for pausing the game when its intense moments cause players to shit themselves).
The player will then run over the red planets surface with his arms fully exposed, without them freezing off, and get to an asian scientist who of course knew a lot of shit, but was too afraid of the the man to release his secret files about hell. Of course the oh-so cleverly named Dr. Betruger is behind it. So of course right at that point shit goes down and the evil spooky monster hordes invade the place that already looked like hell before they even set foot. Then the player proceeds to go through the facility to whack zombies with the flashlight and desperately looks for those shotgun pellets he needs for those teleport-jumpscare-imps that go down in one shot.
Throughout the game you learn some 2deep4u crap about how Mars was the original place where humans came from before they got pwned by Demons. Then you get the Soulcube, a stupid deus-ex-machina device, that you throw at bad dudes and the big boss, the Cyberdemon, who not only looks fucking retarded, but is such a weak enemy that it makes the "Bruiser Brothers" from Doom E1M9 look hardcore.
Eventually you'll finish the game doing just that, and be able to bask in all your glory. Dr. Betruger is also now teh demons.
Doom 3 - Resurrection of Evil
You are part of an expedition of spess mehrens to uncover some relic on Mars. Of course that thing is directly connected to hell and unleashes the same lame-ass monsters again. Boy, I sure wouldn't want to be the insurance company for UAC.
This hell relic makes the psycho-looking unnamed marine even more psycho and he fucks up everything on his way to hell, where he kills Dr. Betruger fo' real.
TLDR, the game and its addon thought it could be as unique as System Shock with its story elements, but failed miserably.
Graphics
Everything in Doom 3 looks like it's been made of clay, then covered in a layer of Saran Wrap. This is due to the "id Tech 4" graphics engine. This graphics engine allowed the game to have bump mapping, normal mapping, and specular highlighting. These features are what make the game super duper awesome scary and realistic. This also makes everything become darker than it should be, which means the player cannot see shit.
Even with such greatly reduced visibility, the game was designed to only show one enemy at a time so as to not slow down the frame rate. However in most parts of the game the developers disregarded framerate issues and thought it would be scarier to fuck with your PC and sometimes spawn a shit ton of monsters to rape your ass and framerate simultaneousy.
Gameplay
The gameplay is based on running around and shooting shit like in Doom, but not even one quarter as exciting. You're also forced to read the typical "HEY CHECK OUT WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT" - emails and get codes from them for supply crates.
It's as dark as the far reaches of the universe, but yet you can't hold your gun and flashlight at once. Ironically, the darkest pits of hell are better lit than the earlier surface station levels. Lulz ensued when mods were created to fix this oversight. The mod assumes simply that duct-tape exists somewhere on Mars. John Carmack, creator of Doom, has personally denounced this abomination as violating canon and ruining the story. Id software has sent cease and desist notices to any websites providing this mod for download. The real reason for Carmack denouncing the flashlight mod, is that it increases the chances of the player catching a rare glimpse of John Romero auto-fellating himself in a dark corner of the Mars base.
The levels all revolve around the following, only changing the textures of the walls and the number of corners, from which the demons jump at you to rape your ass. When a new enemy is introduced like the Pinky (which is neither pink, a bull, a pig or anything to its original) and the Hell Knight (dude on the cover) the developers thought it would be extra scary to fully expose them in cutscenes first and after that put in multitudes of them. And that's basically why the game isn't even remotely scary to anyone above the age of 12.
You run into a room, see some ammo and medipaks lighted by 3 different sources of light coming from nowhere in the middle of the room, leaving the corners as dark as always. Basically, touch this and all hell is breaking loose, leaving you with even less ammo and life. This is what the developers think is a subtle way to entertain and scare you. Regardless of the well crafted horror that this game contains, anyone with any skill can beat the game sprinting around with the shotgun.
Also, the flashlight does moar damage then the pistol. WTF is up with that?!
Monsters
- Zombie - They're trying to be oh-sooo scary, but go down in like 2 pistol shots.
- Fat Zombie - Walking punching bags.
- Flaming Zombie - These try-hards want to shock you too, but the fireplaces from which they run out are so obviously placed that you instantly fill them with lead.
- Chainsaw Zombie (Sawyer): - Unless you're so fucking stupid to lose all your ammo, they are just annoying.
- Z-Sec - Number one reason you actually lose any health at all. Just like in old Doom, anything with a hitscan weapon is a pain in the ass.
- Zombie Commando - Just tougher grunts that go down after a few shots more.
- Imp - These guys are just a fucking joke. They teleport in with red lights coming out all over the place and all you have to do is stand next to them, point your shotgun at the center and pull the trigger. Even when they attack they are extremely predictable, as they ALWAYS shriek like fucking retards before doing anything. I wonder what they sound like when they have to take a huge shit?
- Pinky - Ey errybody, I'ma the da new supa scary redesigned supa-realistic white supa flesh-blob that bites!!!!1
- Maggot - A more annoying version of the Imp, half as big and can't throw fireballs.
- Wraith - Here comes another retarded step-brother of the imp. Pathetic.
- Vulgar - Another goddamn IMP, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, HOW FUCKING LAME DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO COPY AND PASTE THE SAME SHITTY ENEMY OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN AN AAA+ TITLE?!
- Trite - Super annoying little spider-thingies that make you waste all your fucking ammo and health.
- Tick - Same shit as the Trite.
- Lost Soul - They fly and bite you. Just like the old version.
- Forgotten One - Lost Souls that look more like the original from Doom. And they call them "forgotten". Yeah right, fuck off "id".
- Cherub - Baby demons. Fucking human baby demons. Try not to cut yourself at those edges, id Software.
- Cacodemon - How to fuck up a redesign or better yet, what not to redesign at all 101: THE FUCKING CACODEMON. HOW COULD YOU FUCK UP YOUR MOST ICONIC MONSTER LIKE THAT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS IS UNFORGIVEABLE.
- Mancubus - Oh hey, the fatsos from Doom 2 are back. They look like crap though.
- Bruiser - ... TV mouth, wat?!
- Revenant - Surprisingly, the good ol' skeleton demons are almost unchanged. Except that they are barely dangerous in those small corridors.
- Arch-Vile - This guy looks like a big imp. In fact, you won't even notice that he was in the game, because as soon as he appears you pluck him full with rockets and your mind tells you it was just another, bigger imp. Seriously, this thing has nothing to the old Arch-Vile, nothing. He doesn't even revive monsters, he just spawns them. How terribly can you fuck up a design like this?
- Hell Knight - No matter how hard they try, they're not scary and they're definitely not as cool as the original bipedal satyrs.
- Hell Hunters - Oh look, Hell Knights with different colors and gimmicks. HOW ORIGINAL!
- Vagary - Oh boy, you're finally going to meet the first boss. You're so fucking excited. There were spiders and shit everywhere in the previous rooms. What could the boss be? The giant Spider Mastermind? Maybe some kind of Arachnatron?! NO, OF COURSE NOT. HERE, HAVE A FUCKING SPIDER WITH TITS.
- The Guardian of Hell - Meh...
- Sabaoth - That's Seargent Kelly, goes down after like 3 BFG shots.
- Cyberdemon - Looks like total shit. Throw your soul cube at him and you win the game.
- Maledict - Dr. Betruger in his fancy new Demon outfit. Outrageous!
Weapons
- Fists - Useless, unless you want to play Punchout with the Zombies. The Berserker power up is only placed at specific points and it runs out, so you can't even use it for normal combat.
- Flashlight - It shines light and it hurts more than a shot from a pistol.
- Chainsaw - Goshdam, 'dem trees on Mars, I tell 'ya, 'dey be growin' too fast.
- Pistol - This is the most unpleasant sounding and looking pistol of all time. While the old Doom pistol doesn't have much use, it atleast looked and sounded like a pistol. This thing on the other hand makes you want to put a screwdriver into your ears. Even the reload sound is full of screeching.
- Shotgun - It's a shotgun with an effective range of 2 meters. Weapon designers in the future surpassed themselves.
- Double Barreled Shotgun - It's a shotgun with two barrels, with an effective range of 1 meter. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
- Machine Gun - PEW PEW PEW. The little bullets may possibly knock out an Imp, but scientists still struggle if that's a myth or if this gun is just totally fucking useless.
- Chain Gun - Click click click, BRATTA BRATTA BRATTA. Runs out of ammo before it can be even used for anything stronger than a Zombie Commando.
- Plasma Gun - The only other good gun in the game (if you count the shotgun with it's range as anything good). Shoots hot plasma and makes cool beeping sounds.
- Grenades - Throwing grenades that explode on impact against enemies that charge you in small, tight corridors. Genius.
- Rocket Launcher - This rocket launcher is boring. Yes, it's boring. The explosions are weak, the sounds are weak. If the rocket launcher isn't fun to use, how can the rest of the game be any better?
- BFG9K - It is faithful to the original. But yet, the BFG from Quake 2 was way cooler.
- Soul Cube - Deus Ex-Machina bullshit device. Heals you when thrown at an enemy.
- The Primitive (The Artifact) - Gives you some demonic abilities from the Hell Hunters. Just a shitty gimmick. Also must hurt your hands really badly.
- The Grav- umm ... Ionized Plasma Levitator (Grabber) - You guessed it. id Software was so fucking jealous of Half-Life 2's "Gravity Gun" that they tried to copy it. Oh boy, what a piece of shit it is. All it can do is throw back fireballs, at best.
See also
- Doom - Superior game, predecessor and has so many mods and maps that you could spend an entire lifetime with it.
- Doom 4 - even shittier reboot.
- The Doom Comic - The best comic of all time. Thankfully not related much with this pile of shit.
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