Super Smash Bros

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Blazesonic's wet dream.
Every Gamefag's wet dream.
Brawl - Falco - any quality in graphics whatsoever + MS Paint + Krystal + SpongeBob Squarepants = one fantard's wet dream

Super Smash Bros. is a shit-tastic party game (although tourneyfags and Nintendo fanboys would have you believe it's a serious fighting game), where all the characters are from various faggoty Nintendo games, which allows up to four Nintendo fags (or two tourneyfags) to realize their dreams of pitting Link against Mario in a fight to the death. The games, Super Smash Bros. 64, Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl, cause much nerd rage over how they should be played. Brawl is also the first game in the series to let third party characters in as well, which has opened the floodgates of fags like Blazesonic who want to see every character in every game ever in Brawl.

The object of the game is to knock other players off the arena using your skills, and if you're not a Tourneyfag, a variety of weapons, in a variety of locations (unless you're a tourneyfag, in which case your choice of locations has been drastically narrowed down for you). Tourneyfags play with Fox only, no items, on Final Destination (or any place similar in the case of Super Smash Bros. Brawl).

Super Smash Brothers

Not playable to make room for more gay.

The game that started the series. Since the internet was at the time confined to small clusters of like-minded individuals, there was no horrific shitstorm involved with its release. It only had a cast of 12:

  • Mario - Plays exactly like Ryu from Street Fighter. Given a new move in Brawl which only lets him shoot water at his opponents. Played by unoriginal noobs, and nobody else.
  • Luigi - Plays exactly like Ken from Street Fighter. Given a new move in Melee but only causes him to kill himself, the emo fag. Is secretly Dio Brando because his Final Smash in Brawl is Za Warudo.
  • Kirby - Despite looking like a stupid pink piece of shit, he is actually the best character in the game, if only because Sakurai created him. Also, like Yoshi, he is imbued with the ability to consume his enemy and absorb said enemy's abilities. The aforementioned opponent may then be dislodged after a period of time; with Kirby retaining teh Falcon punch. Also, Kirby is a known cockbite and will suck yo dick fo a fucking dollah. Played by 13 year old boys who spam his fucking down b all match.
  • Yoshi - Kills his enemies by eating them and shitting them out, preferably on the ledge of the level. played by absolutely nobody.
The only reason 13 year old boys play this game.
  • Samus - She doesn't take off the suit in this one. Massive cockblock. People still fapped to her anyway. When Captain Falcon does a certain move, he grabs her tits. Coincidence? Played by fappers until brawl came out. now nobody picks her armored form anymoar.
  • Fox McCloud - Tourneyfag favorite, stopped being used when Tourneyfags made Melee their official game instead. played by tourneyfags only.
  • Ness - So few attacks that he steals everything from the other characters in Earthbound. Can throw ball lighting straight into his ass. This is because his final boss in the games quotes from snuff porn. Ness actually uses this to get back on the stage, which differs so much from other characters that if you encounter a Ness player, keep in mind he'll only ever pick Ness.

The final boss is a giant, universe-raping hand who later moonlights as a minor boss in Kirby games.

Because of the small cast, everyone except tourneyfags became bored and soon Sakurai began work on the next installment.

Super Smash Brothers Melee

As you can see, pretty much every level is banned.
Ike and one of his friends.
Ice Climbers can be found doing a variety of activities to keep warm.

Because the internets was popular at this point, the game was watched closely the instant it was mentioned by a random employee of Nintendo. It adds thirteen to the original roster of twelve, most of which caused a shitstorm, mainly since half of these were clones of an existing character and were from so out of nowhere that they had to have been fake. First, the non-clones:

  • Peach - Mario's bitch, taking a break from being kidnapped by Bowser. Does retarded shit like throwing vegetables and showing some panty. Used to be played by TEH BEST PLAYA IN TEH WORLDZ, which briefly made many tourneyfags play as her. Then they found it it actually takes skill to play Peach and quit.
  • Bowser - Mario's nemesis, pissed off because he can't kidnap Peach. Moves and controls like a lardass. Breathes fire. Played by n00bs with a hardon for his smash attacks.
  • Mewtwo - An evil bastard Pokémon. Despite being THE MOST POWERFUL POKÉMON EVAR, he gets knocked around like a bitch. Not returning to Brawl due to how much he sucks Tourneyfag balls. Played by even bigger screaming Pokétards. Back in the fourth game but only as a DLC if you get Smash 3DS and Smash U.
  • Zelda - Link's bitch, see Peach, replace Bowser with Ganon. Transforms into Sheik. Also shows some panty. Played by nobody in this game, and other rabid fappers with elf fetishes in brawl.
    • Sheik also returns in the new WiiU & 3DS version as a separate playable character. That's twice the Zelda, twice the fap.
  • Marth - The hero of the Japanese strategy game Fire Emblem. Because not much is known about the series elsewhere, he is a mysterious swordsman, and is a favorite of sephirothfags the world over. Also, every Tourneyfag is gay for Marth. Melee is actually the first game where he wears no pants. He shouts random wapanese shit when he out-fag's everybody and wins, which makes animu fucktards jizz over him. His Final Smash in Brawl, Critical Hit, is overpowered as fuck. He is dead last on the Brawl man tier.

Removed in SSB4 because the 3DS couldn't handle the [retard|complex] Ai and adding them only in the WiiU version would cause major butthurt.

There's also a number of 'clone' characters who preform just like other characters with minor differences.

  • Falco - The most annoying fucking character from StarFox(excluding Slippy that little fucker), like Fox but not as broken. Returns to Brawl with a Landmaster and a Boston accent.
  • Ganondorf - See Bowser, replace Mario with Link and Peach with Zelda. Slow, powerful, and shitty version of Captain Falcon. He is now more of a nigger than Game and Watch could ever be as his ->+B allows him to choke out whiyt wimminz like Zelda and Samus, his ^+B is still rape, and his Warlock Punch is now a back hand. Unfortunately, Ganondorf misplaced his sword right before he joined the battle in Melee. He brought his sword in Brawl, but doesn't use it. People tend to make fun of Ganondorf for this.[2]
  • Pichu - Like Pikachu except every time it attacks, it hurts itself. Sakurai even makes note of this. No one ever uses him unless they have no pride or dignity.
  • Roy - Exactly like Marth only his neutral - B explodes. Added as viral marketing, removed because he's not the newest Fire Emblem character any more (This will likely happen to Ike, too). BAWWWW HE SUCKS IN HIS OWN GAME AND HAS NO TIPPER! Played by nobody in place of marth.
  • Young Link - Do I even need to say it? Attacks are just shitty versions of normal Link's. Got major plastic surgery and now looks stupid. See Toon Link. Again, played by nobody.
  • Dr. Mario - OH COME ON YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING TRYING ANYMORE, SAKURAI. At least Sakurai had the fucking decency to remove him from the next game. On the plus side he can use his megavitamins to determine that they have pig aids. Brought back in the fourth game.

Also, Melee features an adventure mode where there's actual side-scrolling levels and shit to do besides knock people off of ledges and instead knock generic enemies off screen (and knock people off of ledges). Final bosses include a fucked up version of the hand from the first game, and a giant mega-sized mutant version of Bowser who dies to Jigglypuff's ultimate ability, Rest, which kills everyone in the game ever but only if they're right next to it when it pulls off the move. Also introduces B - Forward moves, dodging, and wavedashing. With this game, the tourneyfags were satisfied, but the world wanted moar.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT THE ANCIENT MINISTER IS ACTUALLY R.O.B. WHO WAS BEING MANIPULATED BY GANONDORF, WHO WAS BEING MANIPULATED BY MASTER HAND, WHO WAS BEING CONTROLLED BY TABUU!!!1
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT TABUU ALMOST BANS ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS BY RROD'ING THEM INTO TROPHIES (again) BUT THEN SONIC COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AT THE LAST SECOND AND SAVES THE DAY!!!1
Typical scene from Super Smash Bros. Brawl, illustrating the line "The monkey wants to hug him" from the theme song.
Trophies are fun to collect.

Also known as the game that launched a million shitstorms. Rather than release information in a huge chunk near the game's release date, updates were slowly added every weekday at a mystical hour known as Japan Time, which is 1/0 AM EST. Updates can range from absolutely epic to things such as "how to jump". When Hong Kong got their hands on the game a flood of leaks hit the tubes, supplying more exciting information in 24 hours than the entire year Dojo was up and running. Sakurai seemed to be using Brawl to express his hatred of anything related to the Mother series of games, from trolling the fans to shoving everything into two character and one stage.

Before the release date, literally hundreds of shoops and unreliable claims were made about the size of the roster and which characters would occupy it. In the end, there were only 35 characters. Only four of the new characters weren't revealed during Japan Time, and three of them are clones. The original twelve from Super Smash Bros are still in, but some of them require to be unlocked for some unknown reason. Also returning are eight unlockable characters from Melee; Peach, Bowser, Zelda (and Sheik), Ganondorf, Marth, Falco, Mr. Game and Watch, and just to piss everyone off, the Ice Climbers. Thus leaving only the characters that nobody cares about or sucked too much that aren't coming back. Other characters include:

Give Santa a push.
Not entertaining or funny.
All your base are belong to us
It was the first thing that came to his mind.
...Wait, what?
You know you'd hit that.
What happens when you get last place.
Zero Suit Samus
Gameplay from Brawl.
The greatest Snake player, Frank_2009.

Rooster

  • Zero Suit Samus - Finally, she can take her suit off. Briefly pissed off tourneyfags because they would have to use an item to get her, until it was confirmed that YOU CAN START AS HER BY HOLDING DOWN BUTTONS. Pretty much the only reason tourneyfags pause the game. Snake approves to cover up his gayness. Played by rabid fappers, who constantly pause the fucking game to see DAT ASS. Not a very strong fighter, though people only use her cause most ppl that play this game are 20+ year old basement dwelling virgins.
    • Zero Suit Samus is now a separate playable character in the WiiU & 3DS version. You don't have to select Samus to play and fap her. And she wears high-tech heels. Heels! Seriously?!
  • Wario - Mario's even more obese anti-hero counterpart. However, instead of being a Mario clone he uses moves based off WarioWare. Therefore, fanboys of the game scream for another character from the game to be playable. Final smash: eats garlic, becomes a cross dresser (superhero?)
  • Ike - The tourneyfags will tell you that he is nothing more than n00b fodder, but they are just butthurt that the n00bs can easily beat a tourneyfag using him. That is because he is one of the best characters evar. No complicated techniques are required (unless you don't suck cock), just hit of the three smash buttons near an opponent and watch them fly. He is one of the mains from the latest Fire Emblem, only he's a heavyweight this time. Shown being raped by Snake. The first new character to be revealed in Japan Time, but noone knew who the fuck he was because the Gamecube had no games. Now the most overused character in Wi-Fi matches. /v/ often takes note of the fact that he fights for his friends and one should prepare themselves not to expect any sympathy from him. Final smash: basically a roadi kick where he brings them into the air and pussy kicks them off the screen. He fights for his friends. Played by way too fucking many people online.
  • Pokémon Trainer - Uses his Pokémon: Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard. Those are actually who you play as. The trainer just stands there and issues commands like a pussy. This is because if he fought himself he'd get his ass kicked and get raped hard time, JUST LIKE IN THE GAMES. Final smash: one way gang bang.
    • Squirtle - A dog shit Pokémon. Its trademark sunglasses, along with some advanced techniques such as shellshitting make Squirtle a tourneyfag favorite. Like Mario, he enjoys squirting his water during matches.
    • Ivysaur - A blunt smokin' Pokémon. Noone had ever heard of this thing except as it relates to its unevolved form, Tom Green.
    • Charizard - A deep-throating Pokémon. Famous for disobedience and shooting panang curry out of its nostrils. It is said that if the flame on its tail ever goes out, it will become an hero. Played by everyone except tourneyfags because "HES WAY TOO FUCKING SLOW!!!!!!"
  • Diddy Kong - A freakin' pussy who chucks bananas and peanuts at people. He squeals and screams like a little schoolgirl because monkeys hit puberty at a much later age. He also has a move where he jumps on peoples faces and forces them to please him. Final Smash: flies around on a jet pack shooting nuts out of small wooden cylinders. WHAT THE FUCK.
  • Meta Knight - Kirby's mysterious rival that looks just like Kirby under the mask. Turns off the lights and raeps people with his sword for his Final Smash. More importantly, he has created considerable drama by being so good a character that tourneyfags everywhere are calling for Meta Knight's ban from tournaments. After considerable uproar considering his "transcendent priority," and kept whining that they were getting pwned by him he's now banned from all tournaments. Played by trolls who enjoy pissing off tourneyfags.
  • Pikmin & Olimar - Midget on steroids. He's supposed to be two inches tall but knowing how much Sakurai loves to piss people off, resized him in order to fit. Also knowing that he'd get pwnd since he can't fight himself, he uses his nigger slaves "Pikmin" to do his dirty work for him. By throwing his slaves on to his opponents, they latch on and start furiously raping the person to death. Tourneyfags will label him as bottom tier because they're butthurt that he can cancel all their cheap spikes by using his slaves to grab the edge and pwn.
  • Lucas - From Mother 3, a game Nintendo refuses to release outside of Japan mostly for the lulz. But there's a English patch released since last month. Looks just like Eddie from Fisher-Price's Little People. Causes a shitstorm among Earthbound fans because they're all worried he'll replace Ness. Luckily for them, that didn't happen since Sakurai was held at gunpoint during the development of the game. In his character description it reads "the Japan-only game Mother 3." Sakurai is dangling him in front of them as if to say "HAHA YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS." Also Sakurai uses pretty much every chance he gets to have Lucas abused in various ways because he enjoys trolling Earthbound fans the most since Earthbound is the reason Sakurai couldn't green light another SNES Kirby game before it died of old age. Though that Mother fanboy on Yoshilore, Mini-Moog, claims that Lucas was a needed character for the game. And as Sakurai is a massive troll to Mother fans, he has given Lucas both autism AND ADD, which is noticeable in the cutscene where he stares at empty space after nearly being pwned by a statue, meaning his friend Ness has to dive and save his blonde ass. For much the same reason as Ness, any Lucas player will ONLY play as Lucas. No point in using Lucas as Ness is just a better version of him.
  • Lucario - No, not a DBZ style fusion of Lucas and Wario. This completely original Pokémon replaced Mewtwo, which spawned a wave of hate amongst Mewtwo fans. This resulted in the butthurt Lucario fans trolling any post that was pro-Mewtwo (like that Lucario-obsessed faggot, Sir-Lucario on DeviantART). Like Ness and Jigglypuff, Lucario was accidentally revealed in actual Brawl footage. His final Smash, the Marshmallow Power, is clearly NOT a ripoff of the Kamehameha wave from DBZ. Unleashes the FUCKING FURY when getting pwnt, but is very easy to kill at that point. Most of his fans have a fetish for his footpads. Played by furries, you, and noobs.
  • R.O.B. - In because Sakurai wanted to troll the living shit out of everybody. I NO AWESUM RITE? R.O.B. is a retarded character who is also the only console to ever appear as a playable fighter in any game. His plastic ass won't make the next game (which is what people said about Mr. Game & Watch in Melee, and we all know how that turned out). Played by trolls who like to piss off nostalgiafags.

The game is also somewhat notable for including two non-Nintendo characters in the roster.

Seriously, you could balance a plate of drinks on that thing.
GUAH! STUPID SEXY SNAKE!
  • Snake - Included mainly because Hideo Kojima begged Sakurai to put him in the game. His incredibly burly ass is a source of much hate amongst the tourneyfags, because he can win with just two moves. Sakurai also made Snake hate Sonic in a Codec convo, thereby punching all the Sonic fantards in the dick.
  • Sonic - Confirmed at least 100 weeks after Snake was confirmed. Despite this news was of no surprise by anyone, bricks were still shat. This happened most notably, in the Brawl message boards on gamefags, otherwise known as the place that /b/ will become if the cancer isn't stopped. Sonic's the name, speed's my game...The only line in Brawl not by a Nintendo character created by sheer faggotry. A favorite to compete against by Tourneyfags. And now with the Final Smash made by putting Sega, Namco, and Bandai in the same bed, yeey! Played by faggots who think spamming two attacks makes them good.

Sakurai said that there was supposed to be three non-Nintendo characters, but was too lazy to program another character so he said 'Fuck that shit' and decided not to put another character in, along with Geno.

Oh, and despite the fact that Sakurai said there would be no more clones, he added clones anyway to fill up the roster, and of course, to troll everyone.

  • Wolf - Sakurai, apparently, was being threatened by butthurt tourneyfags for having Fox nerfed. So in order to make the tourneyfags and the furries happy, he decided to make 2 clones of Fox, one of them being Wolf. He added Wolf, who just barely plays in his own style, and was also too fucking lazy to give him a unique B-moveset and Final Smash since you can never have enough LANDMASTER.


Final Smash

In the first two games, Captain Falcon had an unfair advantage due to the ownage that is the Falcon Pouawnch. Because of this, Saruki gave all of the characters a move known as a Final Smash into Brawl in order to level the playing field. Captain Falcon is worse than everyone else, though, if you believe a certain group of players...

  • Mario Finale (a.k.a. Mario Flamer) - Mario's Final Smash. Mario launches large fireballs that burn everyone in their path. Basically it's Mario's "Fireball" attack with moar power.
  • Negative Zone (a.k.a. Za Warudo) - Luigi’s Final Smash. Luigi inverts (and starts seeing) colors by swallowing hallucinogenic mushrooms, but instead of WRYYYYYYYing, he makes everyone retarded.
  • Peach Blossom (a.k.a. Unfunny) - Peach’s Final Smash. Probably the most shitty final smash in the game. Peach puts everyone to sleep and grows peaches. Get it? Her name is Peach, and she drops peaches. Are I lulz yet?
  • Giga Bowser (a.k.a. Steroids) - Bowser’s Final Smash. Bowser turns into a scary motherfucker that will fuck you up bad. No matter how much you hit him, he won't budge an inch, and will just kill you. Throwing a smart bomb at him will completely freeze him, while still getting massive amounts of damage, causing the user to go soaring off of the stage when the final smash is over.
  • Konga Beat (a.k.a. Kongrolled) - Donkey Kong’s Final Smash. DK Kongrolls everyone with the DK Country theme song. He uses the shitty Konga Drums from his awful games that noone played.
  • Rocketbarrel Barrage (a.k.a. LOLWUT) - Diddy Kong’s Final Smash. Diddy flies around with barrels and shoots peanuts at people. Seriously? Is that it? All he can shoot are fucking peanuts? Not like a gun or something? And since when can barrels help you fly? Pretty ironic considering Diddy can’t even use them to do a barrel roll.
  • Super Dragon (a.k.a. Fuck You, I’m a Dragon!) - Yoshi’s Final Smash. Yoshi grows wings and breathes fire. ... Okay, why are you still reading? I’m done describing it. ... I don’t have to put a joke on every single one, you know.
  • Wario-Man (a.k.a. Purple Spandex) - Wario’s Final Smash. Wario picks his nose and he enters the fat lulzy Wario-Man suit. get's a cape and runs around protected in the suit without being able to get hurt. His moves help him float around, making him even funnier. Wario also has this lulzy ability to make a giant fart and stink. he does it for the lulz.
  • Beast Ganon (a.k.a. Furfag) - Ganondorf’s Final Smash. Instead of turning into the cool Ganon from Ocarina of Time and letting you control him, Ganondorf turns into a furry like he did in Twilight Princess and tries to rape people. His big furry cock knocks them right off the screen.
  • Zero Laser (a.k.a. SHOOP DA WHOOP!!!) - Samus' Final Smash. Samus charges her laser and shoops the motherfuckin’ whoop out of everyone. It is the second closest move to pure win in the game, right next to the almighty Falcon Punch. It also causes her to take her suit off.
  • Power Suit Samus (a.k.a. IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!!!) - Zero Suit Samus’ Final Smash. Zero Suit Samus regains her Power Suit. Sure, this move sucks people in and kills them if they have enough damage, but the main point of this move is to shoop more whoop the next time you get a Smash Ball.
  • Palutena’s Army (a.k.a. Mystic Gangbang) - Pit’s Final Smash. Pit calls Palutena, the hottest goddess around, and she in turn calls the Centurions to attack the opponents. The Centurions have bows, but they don’t use them. WTF is the point of carrying them, then?
  • Iceberg (a.k.a. Big Fucking Ice Cube) - Ice Climbers’ Final Smash. The Ice Climbers summon a big Iceberg that hurts everyone that touches it. It is as hard as fuck to get to other people to fight. It’s also very uncreative. Oh, Ice Climbers summon a large block of ice? Really? Interesting! It’s just as creative as Link’s Triforce Slash! You thought I forgot about that, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong!
  • Chef (a.k.a Vore) - Kirby’s Final Smash. Kirby puts everyone in a pot, and cooks them. He makes new shit come out when he’s done. It’s not that exciting.
  • Galaxia Darkness (a.k.a. Rape Cape) - Meta Knight’s Final Smash. Meta Knight swings his cape at people, takes them into the air, and rapes them. It has a really short range, and you can lololololololololol at your friends if they miss you with it because it will happen a lot.
  • Waddle Dee Army (a.k.a. Orgy) - King Dedede’s Final Smash. Dedede summons Waddle Dees, Waddle Doos, and Gordos to attack everyone, while dancing like a disco reject. This attack is hit and miss. Sometimes it will own everyone, and sometimes everyone will get away. No matter what, one thing is for sure: Dedede is a lazy piece of shit and a fat fuck.
  • End of Day (a.k.a. Shit sucks, I'm getting outta here) - Olimar’s Final Smash. Olimar calls his spaceship to pick him up and orbit the planet so the big scary monsters that come out at night don’t eat him but eat everyone else. Then he hits someone with the ship on the way down. Basically he does what the Challenger did, but on purpose and with better results that pwn the shit out of everyone.
  • Landmaster (a.k.a. Road Roller Da) - Fox’s, Falco’s, and Wolf’s Final smash. Easily the most EPIC Final Smash in the game (next to Za Warudo, of course). Personifies the crappiness of clones in Brawl by being Fox, Falco (who personally prefers the air) and Wolf's Final Smash. Sakurai had a chance to give Falco a different machine, but instead chose to fap to pictures of King Dedede. Originally intended to be the second part of Weegee's Final Smash, but you'll have to settle for yelling WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY IRL while you just uppercut everyone.
  • Blue Falcon (a.k.a. Not a Falcon Punch) - Captain Falcon’s Final Smash. Falcon calls his racer, the Blue Falcon, to hit the opponent, transporting them to a race track, where the douche bag hits the opponent again. Did I mention this attack isn’t Falcon Punch? I cannot stress that enough. Instead of the awesome divide-by-zero Falcon Punch he delivered to the Black Shadow that nearly destroyed the galaxy, he hits them with a car. Did he run over a dog one day and say, “Hey, that fucked him up pretty good! I’m gonna use that move in the next Smash Bros. game!”? Wouldn't you like to see your most hated character get face-raeped by a burning falcon? NOTE: Hackers have, in fact, gotten on the job. It's not perfect, but it's a start...
  • Volt Tackle (a.k.a. CHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!) - Pikachu’s Final Smash. Pikachu transforms into a ball of energy that rushes around the stage. If you touch him, it will burn off your ass hairs. Protip: Don’t touch him.
  • Triple Finish (a.k.a. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!) - Pokémon Trainer’s Final Smash. Pokémon Trainer calls Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard onto the battlefield to blast everyones ass away with Hydro Pump, Solar Beam, and Fire Blast.
  • Aura Storm (a.k.a. KAME... HAME... HAAAAAAAAAA) - Lucario’s Final Smash. Lucario floats into the air and shoops everyone with his laser. It isn’t as effective as shooping with Samus, but you can guide this move easier. Uh, oh, yeah. IT’S POWER LEVELS ARE OVER 9000!!!
  • Critical Hit (a.k.a. Bleepbleepbleepbleep!) - Marth’s Final Smash. Marth dashes at the enemy, hits them with his sword, apparently depleting the health bar that is just added for no reason, and K.O.s them. Be the fuck careful not to use this on level 9 computers because they'll spot dodge it and you'll fuck yourself. Protip: Move and health meter are throwbacks to the original Fire Emblem, where Marth would have a random chance of twirling his sword like a faggot and raping the shit out of his opponent. Nobody knows that, though, because they're not retarded enough to use Marth in battle.
  • Great Aether (a.k.a. Pyromaniac) - Ike’s Final Smash. Ike swings his sword at the enemy, launching them into the air, where he finishes them off with a fiery combo. He does this for his friends, apparently.
  • PK Starstorm (a.k.a. PK Shitstorm) - Ness’ and Lucas’ Final Smash. Ness or Lucas yells, “PK STAAAARSTOOOOOOOOOOOORM!!!” and the sky falls down! It is easy to avoid. Ness and Lucas never even learned PK Starstorm on their games, so why can they use it in Brawl?
  • Octopus (a.k.a. Tentacle Rape) - Mr. Game & Watch’s Final Smash. Mr. Game & Watch turns into a giant octopus and raeps the enemy with his tentacles. He rapes them because he is black. OCTOPUS! HOW DID I GET HERE?
  • Grenade Launcher (a.k.a. Sniper) - Snake’s Final Smash. Snake jumps into the air onto a lollercopter and shoots grenades at people. Fun fact: Snake does not in fact say, “Surprise, cockfags!” when he performs his Final Smash. But he should. He totally should.
  • Super Sonic (a.k.a. Super Saiyan 8) - Sonic’s Final Smash. Sonic uses the Chaos Emeralds to turn into an ultrafurfag, not to be confused with a megafurfag, and flies around, fucking shit up. Since he evolved to the strongest form of furry faggatory there is, this attack is really strong, and you should really avoid it.
Sorry, Piggy. R.O.B. got in instead.

Potential Fighters

  • Guinea Pig - Unfortunately, this guinea pig didn't make it in to the game. He was strongly considered though.
  • Krystal - Why was she so badly wanted in this game, aside from the fact that she provides big-time furry fanservice?! She sucks! Literally!
  • Hector - A Fire Emblem character from the first internationally-released game in the series, known for having anger management issues. Also a heavy character, as if we don't have any of those already. Then again, nobody outside of Japan cares who he is, because noone knows about Fire Emblem unless they're playing Smash Bros.
  • Lyn - Fire Emblem's version of every generic anime girl with a sword. Emblemfags wanted her to be playable for being the first female Lord character in an international release. Not included due to there already being a speedy FE character, and to make room for more gay. Strangely enough, fans of Fire Emblem only wanted the co-stars of the first international game to be playable instead of Hector or Eliwood, the game's REAL main characters. This is because Fire Emblem fans only use characters who have the highest average stats, even if that character has no personality. To be honest,nobody would have noticed the difference of she replaced Marth.
  • Mudkip - Oh come on, EVERYBODY wanted to play as Mudkip. Not included due to the fact that he'd be grossly overused. The real reason was to troll all the people who would have lieked to have played mudkips.
  • Ridley - Isn't he way too fucking big? HEZ BIGGER THAN KRAID!!!!11 Or maybe Sakurai hates Metroid. Maybe a little of both. Metroid fans cried anyways cause the lovable dragon was only a boss, and they all popped a blood vain.
  • Geno - The best candidate for a Super Smash Bros. game, Geno was even mentioned in Sakurai's journal. Throw in the fact that he was the favorite character from Super Mario RPG and a fan-favorite of Nintendo and Square fans everywhere, he's without a doubt a character that should've gotten into Brawl. However, Square is too much of a pussy to let Nintendo use a character that they plan to use someday. Some argue he was simply left out to pwn all the Geno fanboys. Go to a Geno Fanboy video and tell them he looks like Pinnochio for major lulz.
  • Vivian - That one shadow-freaky lady from Paper Mario and the thousand year door. People just wanted her in because she can rape the other guys in the game like how she raped Mario.
  • Merchant - Not in the game because of how much he would own.
  • Dimentio - Flaming gay magician/batshit cultist from a shit Mario game nobody played. Nobody cares about him except his fangirls.
  • I CAN HAS THREAD?.
    I CAN HAS THREAD?.
  • Tourneyfag's / Jack Thompson's worst nightmare
    Tourneyfag's / Jack Thompson's worst nightmare
  • Snake doing what he does best. Suprise Buttsecks!
    Snake doing what he does best. Suprise Buttsecks!
  • Picture of Snake in action.
    Picture of Snake in action.
  • Fox's Final Smash.
    Fox's Final Smash.
  • Falco's Final Smash.
    Falco's Final Smash.
  • Wolf's Final Smash.
    Wolf's Final Smash.
  • Toon Link's Final Smash.
    Toon Link's Final Smash.
  • Ike fights for his friends, Hannah and Gustav.
    Ike fights for his friends, Hannah and Gustav.
  • YER 2 SLO!
    YER 2 SLO!
  • This is why he wasn't in brawl
    This is why he wasn't in brawl
  • IRL article on the Zelda character
    IRL article on the Zelda character

Assist Trophies

In Brawl there is an item called an Assist Trophy containing various characters that didn't make the final cut to be playable like Lyn and Shadow to make fanboys baww. They work like the Pokéballs as items that either make you or your opponent rage as a random character appears and does things to annoy tourney fags and and all your friends

  • Waluigi - Wario's ugly-ass brother. Since he has no useful moves of his own, he just runs around kicking people into the dirt and hitting them with a tennis racket.
  • Shadow - Put in to slightly please butthurt Sonic fans. Slows down time while looking constipated.
  • Hammer Bro - same shit as in the story mode. Throws hammers that aren't hard to avoid.
  • Tingle - That creepy fuck that makes maps and dresses like a fairy appears and makes random shit happen like spawning a ton of balloons or hammers
  • Advanced Wars - sprite tanks and infantry from said game proceed to death march all over everyone and off the side of the stage
  • The Devil - A blue Midget Satan appears in a red thong and proceeds to piss everyone off by moving the camera all over the place. It should be noted that he does this by pelvic thrusting and other disturbing actions. And he's always in the middle of your screen
  • Nintendog - a totally kawaii puppy appears and blocks the screen begging you to release it from it's tv prison.
  • Grey Fox - The Cyborg Ninja from Metal Gear appears to run around flailing his katana.
  • Excite Bike - A bunch of sprite asshole bikers arrive so you can check out their sweet rides. Then they become an hero like the advance war guys.
  • Saki - some faggot from a japanese nintendo game nobody has ever heard of appears and runs around shooting and stabbing.
  • Andross - The blocky Polygon face from Star Fox appears and starts puking up squares at the stage that are a bitch to avoid.
  • Samurai Goroh - Captain Falcon's angry rival goes apeshit with a katana, you know, I've noticed a theme of the assists running around swinging swords. Also owns a pink race car.
  • Mr.Resetti - That angry mole from animal crossing that yells at you for not saving appears and bitches about how much you suck.
  • Little Mac The guy who pwned Mike Tyson appears and punches people. Well known for jumping off the stage.
  • Lyn - Chick from fire emblem. Crouches and then proceeds to pick a random player and chop their balls off.
  • Metroid - A Metroid appears and face fucks the nearest enemy
  • Dr.Wright - Makes a bunch of buildings appear out of nowhere knocking people into the sky. Although he sucks ass because it takes him so long to get his thumb out of his ass that people can easily move out of the way before he attacks.
  • Knuckle Joe - Because there wasn't enough Kirby characters in this game, Knuckle Joe from Kirby Superstar appears and starts beating the shit out of everyone. He can do kamehameha blasts too.
  • Starfy - a star thing that is, " omg Super Kawaii ^_^ ." Is complete shit and is the only trophy you can kill yourself.
  • Barbara - some random girl from a japanese music game nobody has ever heard of and does basically the same thing as Donkey Kong's final smash, but with a guitar!

The Forbidden Seven

Soon after Brawl was released, some expert hackers found encoded data for seven characters, referred to as the "Forbidden Seven" that didn't make it onto the final roster because Sakurai was too lazy to finish them before the release date. These characters are:

As soon as it was discovered that Mewtwo and Roy were planned, all casualfags cried their eyes out. Everyone else was just moderately disappointed that Sakurai didn't finish adding the extra characters like he should have. The hackers tried to swap out current characters with the seven, but got nowhere because the data for these characters was incomplete.

Tabuu

The ultimate troll of the Subspace. He is the most powerful boss in the game. Basically think of him as the Anon of the Smash world, but with bots instead of a legion.

The Entire Subspace Plot in 5 seconds

A bunch of shit happens that is equal to that of some fag writing his own fanfic and throws every character known to man in it for one giant pile of steaming fail.

Online Play

One of the most notable features of Brawl is supposedly, the ability to play over the Internets. One (supposedly) can play either "With Friends" in which you play with fellow basement dwellers that you obtain a special number from, or "With Anyone" in which you play with others in anonymity. Unfortunately, this is usually impossible because there is so much LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG, which lead to Ike being the best character in the game. Trolling in such settings is extremely limited, though a good way is to taunt repeatedly for the entire match, especially with Pit, Sonic, Marth, or Captain Falcon. Taking this further, if one is actually good enough, beat them a few rounds before hand. This will really piss off the tourneyfags, as they'll begin to think that you're convinced they're beneath your notice, thus dealing a grievous blow to their pride.

Typical Online in Brawl

Brawl's online gameplay encourages fighting and is openly racist to internet connections everywhere. Even good connections cannot prevail against the evil that is Nintendo. Once you reset your modem out of mild frustration, you have to wait a good 20 to 50 minutes to connect, at which then Nintendo will surrender you your at least 100 digit identification code.

If you still have the balls to venture further into this pool of fail, you must overcome the challenge of getting to the selecting character screen and selecting your character before Nintendo unleashes the banhammer on you and throws you off their servers. If you managed to survive, you'll enter a small testing room where you must wait a good hour or 2 before another player shows up because you aren't the only one Nintendo is after. Once another player gets through Nintendo's bannings, prepare for the ultimate lagfest. Also, you won't know the name of the person you are fighting and you can't do anything like adding them as a friend because Nintendo hates fun. Anyway, The chances of you finishing the match are quite slim, as Nintendo is still out to ban you and the lag makes things unbearable, even for the biggest Nintendo fantard fuckup. You can expect these results from both "With Friends" or "With Anyone" modes, the only difference is that in With Friends mode you must enter 100 digit codes of your friends and wait a few days before the server finally realizes it's supposed to do something and register that person your friend. By time you're done with dealing with all that shit, you finally realize there's nothing in it for you. Even if you are lucky enough by the extremely small chance to overcome Nintendo's evil friend roster, the banhammer, and lagfuck storms, you will be dissapointed to see that everybody online is 50% tourneyfags that play this shit all day and thus far better than you, and the other 50% are douches who sit around and goof off the entire match.

tl;dr: In summary, Brawl's Online is pure fail. Only use it as a Final Solution.

Trolling in Brawl

Trolling on Brawl is extremely easy, it's like passing seventh grade art, even if your work is shitty. If you somehow make it across Nintendo's wifi of death, there's always a way to squeeze some lulz out of the matches before you randomly disconnect.

  • Stand still the entire match while spamming a bunch of taunts like a retard. Be prepared for angry fanboys to come after you. If you did this right you will get to watch how you somehow managed to win the match anyway.
  • Pick the same character somebody's already been using repeatedly and rape them with it. Do this in a multiple group so other people know that person got owned by their own main also.
  • Set all items on high and use them the entire time.
  • Get 1 or 2 people to alliance with you and attack the remaining tourneyfag.
  • Pick gimmicky stages.
  • Pick someone like Bowser, Zero Suit Samus, or Wario and from behind someone tilt down the control stick quickly.
  • Use an obnoxiously loud move the entire match (Pokémon Trainer and Pikachu's down specials, all of Dedede's taunts..)
  • Use an obnoxiously loud item the entire match (All of the bombs.)
  • Set the time limit or stocks to 99, or just fuck up the options between matches entirely.
  • Use overused memes as taunts such as no u.
  • Make somebody else's main look bad by playing as them and then acting retarded. Steal their nickname also.
  • Constantly end the match as soon as it starts.
  • ???
  • PROFIT!!!

Other ways to troll offline or online

  • Kirby

1. Stand on corner of stage 2. Wait for player to approach you, then absorb player and jump off the stage 3. You can either spit the player and come back flying or become an hero

  • DK

1. Choose DK 2. Grab player with ‘Z’ 3. Jump off the stage and become an hero

Features

"Screw it. Let's just hire the first applicant and call it a day."

The game features a new adventure mode that totally isn't ripping off Kingdom Hearts (coincidentally X Play says this)(interesting note the story is wrote by the same guy so he is just a lazy fuck) and all sorts of features that seem to exist purely to piss off tourneyfags, including a lack of wavedashing. GG, Sakurai. There's also Pokéball-like items called Assist Trophies that summon the aid of characters not awesome enough to be playable. Another new addition are "Final smashes", which are to Smash Bros. as super moves are to regular fighting games. There's a shitstorm generated just about every day for some reason or another. Some examples include:

  • New Pork City because it has a one-hit-killing monstrosity lurking about. It also revealed that POKEY MINCH FROM EARTHBOUND IS IN MOTHER 3 AND IS THE MAIN VILLAIN AND QUITE OLD SINCE TIME TRAVEL DETERIORATED HIS BODY AND TURNED HIM INTO PORKY OMFG SPOILERS, because people actually had a shred of hope Nintendo would bring the game over to America.
  • Pretty much every "how to play" update, for obvious reasons.
  • Samus taking her suit off, and showing the only booty tourneyfags ever have a chance of getting.
  • Any update that is something already confirmed in a trailer.
  • Any update that is something already confirmed in the demo.
  • Any update that is an item.
  • Knuckle Joe Assist Trophy, but only because the update after his was late.
  • Devil Assist Trophy, because he makes the whole level move and because OMG DEVIL WORLD CHARACTER IN US NINTENDO GAME WTF.
  • Any non-adventure-mode game mode update.
  • Any character update that isn't Captain Falcon or Jigglypuff.
  • Marth looking even gayer than before.
  • Any update at all.
  • No update at all.

Sonic the Hedgehog

The Sonic fanbase was so desperate for their beloved character to show up, a flood of photoshops such as this appeared prior to his newcumer confirmation.
Zero Suit Samus, everyone's favorite butterface, pointing out the pixels.

Sonic was confirmed on October 10, 2007, Sakurai's attempt to outdo the release of the Orange Box [Valve's latest installment of Half-Life 2: Episode 2, Portal, and Team Fortress 2]. Before Sonic was confirmed, all the retarded Sonic fanboys and fangirls were constantly discussing how awesome it would be that Sonic would be in Brawl. Going so far as creating stupid photoshops of the released trailer and claiming it as "evidence" that Sonic would be in the latest installment. Nothing could be sweeter than the suicidal cry of an entire fanbase when they realize their beloved video game character had been denied entry in their favorite cross-over fighting game, much like when Electronic Gaming Monthly magazine made an April Fool's joke in 2002 stating Sonic and Tails were unlockable characters; Unfortunately, the Sonic fans were actually right in their theories of Sonic appearing in Brawl.

Sonic's confirmation as a newcomer was paraded by his quasi-retarded fanbase, whereas the sane part of humanity thought that it was just an interesting update among all the shitty "assist trophy" and "sticker collection" bullshit updates. Making Brawl the most likely non-sucky video game featuring Sonic since the old side-scrollers, because every 3-D game ever produced by Sonic Team after Sonic Adventure is clearly insta-fail. Although now confirmed, we can still have lulz at all the shit the fanbase tried to pull off.

Sakurai, being the sneaky bastard ninja that he is, quietly changed the release date from December 3rd, 2007, to February 10th, 2008 in the midst of the fagfest from Sonic. Eventually, someone found out and the intertubes BAWWWED for the whole day, creating truckloads of lulz.

Wacky Japanese Leak

On January 21st, a disgruntled Nintendo employee took it upon himself to exact revenge upon Sakurai and his weeks of shitty updates, and edited a video which contained evidence of Ness, Jigglypuff, and Lucario. This news caused the collective internets to shit bricks and the amount of lulz skyrocketed to unknown levels. Feeling butthurt, Sakurai tried to delete fucking everything and remove said evidence, but unfortunately it was too late since it leaked all over the internets and now everyone knows. Sakurai fails at keeping things secret.

  • Yep...right there. Sakurai: OWNED.
    Yep...right there. Sakurai: OWNED.
  • so i herd u liek to play as mudkip?
    so i herd u liek to play as mudkip?

Also, before those icons were blocked, Mudkip was seen, and everyone lieked it.

Falcawn...PAWNCH!

As if there was any doubt, Captain Falcon is in this installment, doing what he does best. (Black Shadow not included)

Captain Falcon also sports his energy drink that can make you punch harder than any anal rapeshit Smash attack.

Awesome glitch that makes Captain Falcon actually useful. (Brawl)

Previous Video | Next Video

MOAR DELAY!

Never forget.

Brawl was delayed further until March 9th, which caused just about everyone to slit their wrists. (Yeah, that's right. It was delayed TWICE.) Much BAWWWWWWWWWing occurred including one retard on GameFAQs threatening to become an hero. Fans think this will allow the development team to program Mega Man into the game, however, people forget to realize that it takes more than a week to create a character. Also, people don't realize that any and all characters would have been finalized in the game at least a year ago while still in development.

Sakurai's Revenge

Sakurai giving the finger to tourneyfags on the December 3 update.

After Super Smash Bros. Melee gained a huge tournament crowd, Sakurai finally became aware of the menace that is the tourneyfag. Seeing them fag up his work really pissed him off, and while he was busy fucking around with Earthbound fans, he nobly laid out a series of epic plans to get rid of them once and for all. These included:

  • Final Smashes, a new super powered attack that can only be used by turning on the Smash Ball item. Since tourneyfags don't use items, they were kind of pissed.
  • Their amount of anger at Final Smashes was doubled when it was revealed that the promising new character ZSS could "only be used" by turning on an item. The faggots failed to realize that this was a lie, and you can play as ZSS by holding down some buttons at the start of the match.
  • Special Brawl, a feature in which you can play with a lot of different options (such as having the Lip's Stick flower be on your head at all times, or always be metal, or some combination of effects). Tourneyfags haet options.
  • Most of the time stickers, and rarely CDs, appear in a match as a pick up-able item, these items will always appear no matter if items are turned off or not, tourneyfags are really pissed at this fact even if they don't do anything worth shit in an actual match.
  • Bringing back stages in Melee that were previously banned by tourneyfags.
  • The development team nerfed Fox, making furfags and tourneyfags alike pissed.
  • To top that off, Bowser has gone from shittiest character to supposedly one of the best characters in the game. In fact, Wario is the best character in the game, bar none. Meta Knight supposedly kicks ass too, but this is actually a lie created by Nazis.
  • Characters trip if they dash around like faggots. Also, if one tourneyfag is winning in a match, he will trip moar often than the one that's losing.
  • And the biggest win of all: WAVEDASHING REMOVED. However, some huge tourneyfag ruined everything by hacking the game to allow wavedashing once again. We all saw it coming. [3]

Thanks to Sakurai's brilliant plans to eradicate the tourneyfag menace, tourneyfags are bawwing over how their precious game was 'ruined' and turning on each other like wolves. Some, like Dylan Tnga, believe that no game will ever replace Melee in the hearts of tourneyfags. Others are trying to regroup and tourneyfag up Brawl by trying to make shit IN THE DEMO like "the ink drop". Little do those tourneyfags know, the ink drop actually seems to be intentionally programmed, and if it's not a glitch then they will be unable to use it.

Review-based Drama

THE BEST REVIEW EVAR (BRAWL GETS 2 STARS OUT OF 4)

Most likely the result of a Sony zealot, "Tim Rogers" made a shitacular, trolling, tl;dr "review" on Brawl that caused quite a semi-lulzworthy shitstorms on SWF. Not being able to understand "Nintendo", Tim Rogers attempted to give an honest review on the "biggest little dollop of gruel yet slopped on the lunch tray of gamerkind." Lulz.

Some quotes from his commenters for extra lulz:


   
“ 		 
"Mario: the fauna of the toad kingdom, is ok inside his kingdom. please don’t bring these animals for others things. make some miracle happens, that transform the toads people into more natural people. is time to replace Mario with Mario jr, the son of Mario. edgier and cooler, fan of punk and skate. also make the girls sexy, or you will end up planting some massive sexual disorder associated with toons, into humanity.

Zelda cast, and fire emblem cast: what hideous clothes. please be creative. antique style clothing can be made cool. starfox cast: my god, remove from the world this disaster. donkey kong cast: cant stand these grotesque creatures. they almos make me cry when they appear in games.

back to ssbb, don’t like this game. the gameplay has too much fat. i would instead play www.soldat.pl."
 

„
  		 

—walkskull, [lol wut?]


   
“ 		 
"yeah. nintendo characters . . . really aren’t very good cartoon characters."
  		„
  		 

—108, [Oldie, but a good comparison: i think nintendo is a pretty cool guy. eh stomps goombas and doesn't afraid of anything.]


   
“ 		 
"but seriously though, i’m hard pressed to call this a fighting game.

it’s more like…cartoon battle royale wrestling.

are wrestling games considered fighting games? or are they sports games? does it matter?"
 

„
  		 

—iwontusemyname

You Can't Spell Ignorance without IGN?

Events reminiscent of Jeff Gerstmann's notorious 8.8 review of Zelda: Twilight Princess have occurred once again, as IGN gives a OMG HORRIBLE rating of 9.5/10 to Brawl. While any normal person would say "Hey, that's a high rating, I bet this game will be great", many of the game's basement-dwelling fantards went batshit insane that the game didn't receive a perfect 10/10, much like a Halo nerd. However, it probably deserves much less, anyway.

Zero Punctuation

While the above reviews may have ruffled the feathers of Brawl fanboys somewhat, no reviews really disturbed them enough to spark an outrage - until the much anticipated Zero Punctuation review, that is. As was expected by any frequent viewers of the The Escapist's "Zero Punctuation" segment that had half a brain, SSBB was hanged, drawn, and quartered by reviewer Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw. Needless to say, drama, butthurt, and rampant fanboyism followed. For more, see the Zero Punctuation article.

Brawl's Closed Due To Dust and Fail

At last, March 9th came, and so did the collective Internets. As thousands of basement dwellers rushed home to play their shiny new game, a few found that for some reason, their Wiis failed to read the disk, and commenced to BAWWWWWW as they had been since The Great Shitstorm of '08. Nintendo claimed that some Wiis were simply due to either dust collecting on the lens or because it couldn't handle the massive amounts of data on the 2-layered DVD disk. Nintendo, probably experiencing a case of troll's remorse, offered to repair people's Wiis for free and return them in a week's time. Many lulz were had by those whose Wiis didn't fail.

(P.S. Toad isn't playable because he's too gay for even this piece of shit game.)

Smash Bros. 4 for Wii U and 3DS

The fourth installment of the series, SSB4 pissed up a lot of by coming out on two platforms; N3DS and WiiU. This caused outrage among fans even though Nintendo clarified that the only differences between the games is that they will have different stages (the stages on the WiiU version being shit compared to n3DS) and that each one will feature a new multiplayer game mode:

  • Smash Run (3DS) - The only mode worth playing. Players gather stats for 5 minutes and then fight in a random challenge. Was advertised as the biggest feature in SSB4 and then scrapped from the WiiU so that SSBfags would have the buy the shittier 3DS version and a 3DS.
  • 8 Player Smash (WiiU) - Allows 8 players to fight in a clusterfuck Slide Show.
  • Smash Tour (WiiU) - A lot like Mario Party, but without the fun and annoying powerups.

Nintendo also made Amiibo figurines compatible with the game, but these are so scare and expensive that only nerds would buy them. Mewtwo is a DLC character given to those stupid enough to buy both versions of SSB4.

SSB4's amazing new AI

SSB4 tries to bring something new to the franchise by removing the Subspace Emissary/Story Mode, Stickers and fucking up the stage editor. The game promises however to innovate the multiplayer aspect, but fails. The biggest innovation in SSB4 is that each character now has 12 special moves (which are basically 3 variations on the basic moves, except for Palutena) that cannot be used in multiplayer. The series features new and unique newcommers like:

Super Smash Bros.

Gameplay of Lucina in Multi-Man Smash.

Not satisfied with how much he had butthurt all of the tourneyfags, Sakurai decided to start on 2 new Super Smash Bros. games for the new Nintendo systems. All new fighters announced so far are as follows...

  • Villager - Pretty much the most batshit crazy motherfucker you'll fight. An ordinary villager from the game Animal Crossing at a first glance, this psychopathic bastard will water plants and give zero fucks until you let your guard down long enough for him to slice off your head with his axe and bury your remains with his shovel. Do not fuck with him. Ever.
  • Wii Fit Trainer - Okay, go to deviantArt and look up "Wii Fit Trainer Smash Bros." and see what comes up. Hawt pr0n, right? Anyways, shes a generic white female, but she kicks ass by being in shape and stuff. Originally thought to be put in the game because of a lack of female characters in the Nintendo canon, we now know that's not true because you can play as Wii Fit Trainer as a guy. Way to go, Sakurai! Oh and many "fans" were massively butthurtz at the announcement of WFT's inclusion in this game!
  • Megaman - Even though Megaman sucks now, Capcom fanboys wouldn't stop bitching so now he's in the fucking game. When the announcement was first made, everyone flipped shit and thought of all the possibilities for moves, but that shortly changed after everyone realized how awesome the next two fighers would be...
  • Rosalina & Luma - Put in to simultaneously please newer Super Mario fans AND to piss of the Daisy fanbase, Rosalina of Super Mario Galaxy fame uses her "Lumas" to fuck shit up and is more of a bad bitch then Peach ever will be! She can attack you with Lumas from nearby or far away, so expect a lot of butthurt from your opponents if you use her. She'll most like end up being banned by butthurt tourneyfags who think she's OP. Did I mention fuck Daisy?
  • Little Mac- Oh shit! This nigga here graduated from Assist Trophy to playable character. Fast as fuck and will knock you the fuck out when his KO meter gets full. And when he goes Super Saiyan Giga Mac, run like hell bitches. Pretty much the only fighter that people use only problem is that he's got no air game but then again we all can't be perfect like Meta Knight can we?
  • Charizard - Had enough of Pokemon Trainer's shit and went solo as a separate playable character. This was most likely done because only tourneyfags used the other two pokemons in Brawl.
  • Greninja - First off, what the fuck is a Greninja? Oh and it goes without saying that many Mewtwo fans were PISSED that Greninja was put in the game and not him alongside Charizard who returns from Brawl! Oh and to rub more salt in the wound, Mewtwo's blue furfag looking clone Lucario from Brawl is back as well.
  • Mii Fighters - Holy shit, you can add your Mii into Smash. You can be a martial artist, a swordsman, or wreck shit with your handcannon. Problem is that you can't play your Miis in "With Anyone" mode since Sakurai doesn't want any controversy bullshit.
  • Palutena - Pit's Patron Goddess enter the realm of mortals to kick ass! She's has a shitload of moves including a speed-up that leaves Sonic in the dust (Who's "too slow" now, bitch?) and a black hole/laser Final Smash. As we speak, artists are slaving away in adding Palutena in the great SSS Sapphic Orgy.
  • Pac-Man - Holy Fuck, he's finally in! The Cherry Chasing Dot Muncher can shift between old-school and recent looks, summon ghosts to do his bidding, fuck everyone's shit up with fire hydrant, and goes "Super Pac" on everyone's asses. Old and new school videogamers will jizz in their pants as they use the 4 legendary platformers in battle.

.

  • Robin - The player avatar from Fire Emblem Awakening. With his/her Thunder Sword and spellbook, he/she can be dangerous. Useless as fuck once he/she losses his/her book. Yes I said him/her because you can choose a gender.
  • Lucina - Basically Marth with tits and fresh meat for the Super Smash Sisters Sapphic Saturnalia. Same moveset as Marth as well.
  • Shulk - I'M REALLY FEELING IT! Before you even ask, it's not She-Hulk. It's some RPG teen main character with a magic sword that gives him precog abilities.
  • Bowser Jr. Secret Character in 3DS version - The Koopa spawn everyone loves to hate is in Smash. Thankfully you can also play as his siblings even if they are skins. LOL THEY WERE NEVER BOWSER'S KIDS AND SUCK COCK! Press up B to an hero and take your enemies with you.
  • Dark Pit Secret Character - He was just going to be an alternate outfit for Pit as he should have been, but Sakurai thought it was a good idea to let him get his own slot, even though he has the exact same moves as Pit. Nothing more than an edgy recolor that looks like he came straight out of deviantART.
  • Duck Hunt Secret Character - Remember him? Think back to the mid-80s. You're sitting in your parent's living room on Christmas morning, and you've just unwrapped a new Nintendo Entertainment System, and it even includes Duck Hunt! You immediately begin to play, but for some reason you can't seem to hit any of the ducks that appear. Then, Satan himself appears from behind the fucking bushes, he points straight into your soul, and he laughs. He laughs a cold, heartless laugh that penetrates your very heart. Now, the tables are turned, and you can finally take out your revenge on that mutt bastard in such a way that would make Michael Vick proud.

Smash 4: Returning Characters From Melee

  • Dr. Mario Secret Character - Self explanatory, it's just Mario in a doctor outfit. Has the Tornado attack back to please the Mario fags.
  • Mewtwo DLC - All the Mewtwo fags are happy!! Oh, it's DLC? We have to own both the Wii U and 3DS versions? Thanks a lot!
  • Roy DLC - Melee fags woudn't stop crying about Roy not being in the game and supposedly being replaced by Roy the koopa. Sakurai then shuts up the melee basement dwellers by giving them Roy. ironically he's now stronger then his transsexual counterpart

Smash 4: Returning Characters From Brawl

  • Lucas DLC - HA HA HA OH WOW! Sakurai really brought him back. Still a weaker Ness so he's basically useless.

Smash 4: Newcomer DLC fighters:

  • Ryu Of all the fighters sSkurai brings this guy in smash. Ironically requires more skills than he does in his own game series.

Smash 4 Online

Just like Brawl, you can fight against your 30 year old virgin friends and enjoy the intense lag. However, unlike Brawl, there are 2 modes that you can play in where you can fight anyone, being called "For Fun" and "For Glory"

For Fun: Pussies go here to fight as they suck too much cock in For Glory. Filled with noobs who never stop using taunts. Using items are required to win.

For Glory: Basement dweller's hangout place. Don't bother going here as it's filled with fags that shield and roll more then actually fight.

How to win every Smash battle

1) Shield and roll from every attack as it's a no skill and cheap way to win

2) Use Fox

3) Go on any omega stage or final destination or any huge stage like temple for massive trolling

4) Spam laser and Fox Illusion. Stay away from your opponent as often as you can until they reach around 100%, then go for the smash moves. Don't try this on the following characters: Mario/Dr.Mario, Fox, Falco, Peach, Zelda, Marth/Lucina, Ike, R.O.B., Shulk, Little Mac, Palutena, Mewtwo, and Ness/Lucas

5) Not required as it may fuck you up more then your opponent but put all items to on and high.


Smash Ballot

With the announcement of Mewtwo and Lucas, Sakurai decided to make a ballot of which Nintendo character get to be in Sm4sh as a DLC. While some choices make sense like Cranky Kong, there are other that are assbackward retarded like wanting Goku to be in Smash. IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK! GOKU DOESN'T FIT IN SMASH YOU MISBEGOTTEN PILES OF WASTED JIZZ! This is due to most of the weeaboos not realizing that Sakurai told people to ask for video game characters only. No, it doesn't matters if Goku appeared in games, given he didn't originate from a game himself. Nice job wasting your vote, though.

Gallery

  • On Gamefaqs, brawl is serious business.
    On Gamefaqs, brawl is serious business.
  • This is as close as Geno fags are going to get to him interacting with a Brawl character.
    This is as close as Geno fags are going to get to him interacting with a Brawl character.
  • Will never ever ever be in Brawl. EVAR!
    Will never ever ever be in Brawl. EVAR!
  • At least she got a fucking cameo furfags.
    At least she got a fucking cameo furfags.
  • What furfags want when Krystal wasn't in the game.
    What furfags want when Krystal wasn't in the game.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • To make up with the lack of Krystal, they resort to this.
    To make up with the lack of Krystal, they resort to this.
  • A depiction of Ashley in Brawl. You know, since she's not even an assist trophy.
    A depiction of Ashley in Brawl. You know, since she's not even an assist trophy.
  • What fags want Lucario to look like.
    What fags want Lucario to look like.
  • Wow...I guess he really WAS too big.
    Wow...I guess he really WAS too big.
  • The real, tragic reason why Cloud (or FDR) can't be in Brawl.
    The real, tragic reason why Cloud (or FDR) can't be in Brawl.
  • As an Assist Trophy, Waluigi has the power to fire his own name out of his crotch.
    As an Assist Trophy, Waluigi has the power to fire his own name out of his crotch.
  • TOON LINK
    TOON LINK
  • Why he wasn't even considered.
    Why he wasn't even considered.
  • He said the same thing about Nintendogs, but nobody cares.
    He said the same thing about Nintendogs, but nobody cares.
  • It doesn't get much gayer than this.
    It doesn't get much gayer than this.
  • All the Midna fans BAWWWed when Toon Link appeared in her stead.
    All the Midna fans BAWWWed when Toon Link appeared in her stead.
  • Disappointed? Welcome to reality.
    Disappointed? Welcome to reality.
  • Ridley is still in disbelief over all this.
    Ridley is still in disbelief over all this.
  • ... remind me: WHY was Roy removed?
    ... remind me: WHY was Roy removed?
  • Even he is not happy.
    Even he is not happy.
  • Doing it wrong.
    Doing it wrong.
  • Like father like son.
    Like father like son.
  • PARABOX
    PARABOX
  • When Marth is not Brawling
    When Marth is not Brawling
  • Aura also makes ones feet very soft.
    Aura also makes ones feet very soft.
  • Super Smash Bros. Brawl Godhand Edit
    Super Smash Bros. Brawl Godhand Edit
  • Solid Snake? In my vagina?
    Solid Snake? In my vagina?
  • Jesus makes a cameo appearance
    Jesus makes a cameo appearance
  • Because of him (insert favorite character here) was not included in Brawl.
    Because of him (insert favorite character here) was not included in Brawl.
  • The great thing about my friends is not fighting for them, it's showing everyone online that I did.
    The great thing about my friends is not fighting for them, it's showing everyone online that I did.
  • Falconmen
    Falconmen
  • Nintendo are nazis.
    Nintendo are nazis.
  • BOOB1ES!!!111!!! .... oops thats Skull Kid.He's pissed he did not appear, Maybe next time Skull Kid
    BOOB1ES!!!111!!! .... oops thats Skull Kid.He's pissed he did not appear, Maybe next time Skull Kid

Videos

Why Anyone Would Waste Their Time ANAL-lyzing such pointless details in this game is just facepalm-inducing!

DONT MAKE EYE CONTACT GUYS THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS GAME!

Tourneyfags cant record their awsum skillz on the demo!
SAKURAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

This basement dwelling fatass tries to fool everyone by printing out the boxart and slipping it in the case.

GAMESTOP IS UNRELIABLE! (This video is NOT A JOKE.)

Weeaboos decide to fag this game up using the shitty caramelldansen fad. No one cares.

Previous Video | Next Video

Sakurai writes pr0n fic

Recently, a certain fag on GameFAQs named yczover9000 realized that all the captions of the various pictures on the Smash Bros. Dojo are actually lines from a porn fic involving the various characters gangbanging Samus. However, we can see that Sakurai has roughly the same writing ability as Tara Gilesbie.

[Click to collapseClick to view]

Mmm...It feels nice and peaceful here.
Hold on a second! What are you guys doing here?!
If you think they're all going to be the same as they have been, it'll be rough for you.
Trying to fight back is useless.
Hey. Stop that...QUIT IT! I mean it!
Samus has a problem. All of her armor fell off!
What?! Is this...Could it be?!
Look at her Power Suit shine!
It’s time to rise up against this blatant provocation!
You should really get a hold of this and just sink your teeth in.
The more distant you are, the worse your connection becomes, and the slower it feels.

Hang on a second.
Do you see that thing dangling from Fox's waist?
Surely he wouldn’t bring that thing out?!
It's...It's HUGE!
It’s HUGE!
He’s huge!
Whoa, that’s huge!
Whoa! He’s huge.
It’s...big...
This time it gets REALLY long!
It's almost unthinkable!
There are big ones and small ones.
That weapon is extremely powerful.
A solid hit from this delivers a mighty blow...
but when it comes back, it also lightly pulls the foe's body.
It really is a versatile piece of hardware.
It's round, pink, and soft.
And it is ethereal. Oh, yes.
I-I…I want it!

This expansion also increases your possible strategies, so fire away!
If you see one of these, be absolutely sure to grab it.
Basically, you hold it in your arms.
Gotta heft this thing! Hurrrgh!
Well, he certainly appears to be in good shape.
Where are you sticking that thing?
Is...Is it safe to eat that?
Bowser has a slightly different flavor this time around
It slowly turns around...
Aim well and sally forth.
The Wii is trying to connect in earnest!
Look out below!

He jumps on and starts racing!
H-he has absolutely no problem fitting in!
It's always hot to the touch.
Hot! Hot! HOTTT!
Whoa! That looks hot.
Hot! Hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-HOT!
Hot! HOT!
You can move forward and backward!
He strikes repeatedly with lightning speed!
Hee ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya! Hup! Hup! Hey! Ho!
Not too shabby, eh?
Want more?

The tension rises. Yes.
That feels gooood...It’s exciting and exhilarating.
Mmm...That’s amazing.
Bzzzzzzzzzzt! I can’t get enough of this.
My heart’s aflutter.

I like the feel of that powerful rumble.
They...They're really flying!
MAXIMUM CHARGE!

Power up and unleash it when the time is right!
You can pull out.
When you hold it in as much as you can...?!
There's no waiting!
This is it.
It's magnificent!
And then comes the finishing strike!
(Check your volume settings.)
SKRAAAAH!
Off it goes!
Down


Hacking

Of all games, SSBB is one of the most thoroughly hacked. Yeah, that's right-faggots actually take the time to HACK THIS SHIT. Mostly either 1337 haxxors who have too much time on their hands, and butthurt meleefags who don't like how casual Brawl is. I'll give you one guess as to which kind is better at what they do and which kind is more common.

More common hacks include:

  • Nude Zero Suit Samus
  • Nude Peach
  • Nude Zelda
  • Nude (Naked) Snake
  • Nude Captain Falcon
  • Nude Ness
  • Nude Wario
  • Wavedashing in Brawl
  • Melee 2.0 3.0 (SERIOUSLY!). No, really-this is the new hyped thing; melee 2.0 3.0. Probably some gay melee thing.
  • Inserting music into brawl. Not good music; usually some gay remix from another game.
  • Inserting Pokémon into brawl. Not good Pokémon; usually some gay 3rd gen shit.

People have gone as far as to completely recreate the way the game works. There are 4 major projects changing everything.

  • Brawl+ - The first official hack. Melee 2.0. Speeds shit up, makes characters "more balanced"; succeeds its original goal of sucking Captain Falcon's cock so hard that it falls off.
  • Balanced Brawl - Attempts to "rebalance" the game without changing the parts that suck. Sucks any and all fun out of it in the process.
  • Brawl- - "If everyone is super, nobody is". Great plan. So, The Tick vs. Superman? Half fucking annoying, half stupidly overpowered. Oh and sonic can say "You're too slow about 90 times as much". Still lulzy if you want to troll tourneyfags. Just don't show them fox as he's melee fox 2.0 with wavedashing and all.
  • Project: Melee - Melee 3.0. No, seriously. Now with 100% more wavedashing and tourneyfag bullshit.

Hacking your wii with super smash bros brawl

Hacking your wii is probably the only way to get your money's worth out of the terrible, terrible console. "But ED, why would hacking the console make it better?" Well, if a wii game is any good at all (and there are at least a few of these), you can get it for free with hacking. Plus, you know, make existing games almost worth playing (gimmicky minigames need not apply).

  • Step 1: All you need is a wii, a hammer, and an SD card. If you have both of these things, please continue to step 2.
  • Step 2: Hit your hand with the hammer as hard as you can. Why the HELL did you buy a Wii, you stupid nintendo fanboy?
  • Step 3: Get bootmii and hack your wii
  • Step 4: ???
  • Step 5: PROFIT!

All things considered, all of the brawl hacks except balanced brawl make the game a considerable bit more fun to play, and will make tourneyfags like Xyro rage at you for raping brawl. Also, will make nintendo rage. Especially hilarious is that the hackers found a way to hack the console through the super smash bros game disk itself. And this isn't like the twilight hack or indianapwns, that abuses a save state and that can easily be patched by nintendo's internal system... This is caused by an in-game mechanic bugging up, which means that because nintendo doesn't patch games, this will probably never be fixed. Yay for haxxors.

Notable Hackers

  • Phantom Wings - The first really great hacker. Most of the big advances were lead by him. 1337 h4x0r. Retired because of the endlessly whining faggy community.
  • Dantarion - Followed in PW's footsteps. Almost exactly in PW's footsteps. Got sick of the whiny crowd and left.
  • Kryal - Not even really a brawl hacker. Created a tool to hack ANY wii game and get shit like models. As if anyone cares. Never does anything any more.
  • Shanus - Tourneyfag with decent skills in using the knowledge the above three gave him.
  • The Silence Pwns You - see shanus. Also fat.
  • Blind - See The Silence Pwns You. Also Gay.
  • Guy - See blind. No, seriously. Like half of the people I considered for this list like the cock.
  • Veril - HARDCORE tourneyfag. Super hardcore. As in, spends hours gathering every bit of data available for a single technique. Probably loves the cock just like the rest of these guys
  • Xyro, AKA "The Green Lesbian" - Loves hackers (and therefore the cock).

Notable Smash Players

A Challenger Appears

You are doing it wrong.

Last Thursday, Sony, continuing their long and proud tradition of seeing what Nintendo have done, then shamelessly copying it while simulataneously extracting everything that made the original idea fun, charming or exciting, foisted upon the general public PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale, a Super Smash Bros ripoff with the most generic, forgettable name imaginable (presumably Sony Computer Entertainment's Copyrighted Intellectual Property Crossover Fighting Game Product was just too inspiring a title for Sony's marketing department).

The game seeks to bring the Smash Bros-style experience to Sonyggers across the globe and score some of that sweet, sweet Jew gold for Sony by targeting that demographic of PS3 owners who don't have a Wii and can only look wistfully at all the people playing SSBB having fun.

Unfortunately, however, the developers seemed to have forgotten the fact that the PS3 has no gaems and as such, the roster of playable characters in PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale is truly pitiable compared to Smash Bros.

Gamer reaction to the game varied from "Meh" to "HA HA HA, OH WOW" to "DO NOT WANT."

See Also

Links

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