Samuel Hengel: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 03:40, 21 April 2012
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Samuel Hengel was a crusader for graet justice who, carrying some serious fucking heat, burst into his school and:
Experts believe that his boring Wisconsin life played a role in his decision to commit such a mundane crime. Whatever the case, this young man's balls dropped in record time, and in about 3 hours he went from intrepid nerd to Ahnold status.
The Plot
Act 1 - Birth of An Hero
- Like oh-so-many malnourished and socially inept samples of trailer trash, Samuel was presumably the victim of bullying, and decided to remedy the situation in a new and inventive way:
bringing a gun to schoolbringing MULTIPLE guns to school. According to newz, Sam brought both a classic 9 MM pistol, and a .22 Cal Semi-Automatic.
Unlikely Protagonist
- After unleashing his fury on the classroom's movie projector and several unfortunate desks, he demanded that the students hand over their cellphones, apparently to prevent police contact; also hoping that nobody would discover something was wrong in a room that is supposed to fill with new students every 45 minutes. Samuel didn't seem intent on harming the children, as they kept him entertained with anecdotes and remembrances of times good and bad - although when it seemed like he was really about to flip the fuck out, many students credit their teacher with saving lives. →
Act 2 - With Great Power... Comes Great Ineptitude
- Having the fear dispersed by a strong, rational woman sent young Samuel's mind down a spiral of torment. He was stupid enough to let some kids go "to the bathroom", and consequently police realized he was a pussy, and charged the room. Samuel shot 3 more bullets (still not harming anyone), then turned the gun on himself.
- Having reached the end of his rope, unwilling to negotiate with cops or even admit why he did it, Sam put a bullet in his [undisclosed body part]. A smart man's money says he tried to blow his brains out, but as of yet, no news source will admit it, probably for vanity's sake.
IT LIVES!
- Samuel did not succumb to his injuries on the scene; instead of going out in a poetic, emotional blaze of glory, the Grim Reaper opted to let him wallow in a pool of his own waste in a hospital bed for a good few hours. The stench was great.
Remembering Samuel
Look at that sweet, sweet boy. An true hero. Of course, what sets An hero apart from a good old-fashioned self-pwn is how fondly the potential hero is remembered.
Nobody outside of Wisconsin will ever remember him as anything more than a weak-minded psychopath, but his friends and family will always feel blessed for having known him, which is ironic considering the parents are the ones at fault. They can take solace knowing that since Samuel never specified a reason, next Thanksgiving won't be ♫AAAAWKWAAARD.♪... Scratch that. It might be awkward if the Packers have a bad year, or else Wisconsin won't have any other news to report on until next Thanksgiving. That being said, the rest of the world was ready to move on almost immediately.
—Wiguy, roughly 18 hours after the event. | ||
—beteanheardt, chiming in with sound advice. | ||
This was the general consensus throughout the land - Samuel wasn't crazy enough to warrant any kind of national reaction, and he didn't take anyone with him - although notably, low-income territories in Wisconsin now have a law limiting gun ownership to 4-per-household. Samuel also became an organ donor - having potentially saved the lives of five children (that number is expected to grow) with his organs... at least, for now. In all likelihood they will catch the brain AIDS that fucked up Samuel's wiring, and will all become An Heroes themselves.
