James Bond

Bond in action.

Daniel Craig whips out his secret weapon.

MI6 provides a suitable role model for little girls.

According to Wikipedia, Commander Sir James Bond, (RSPCA, RNLI) - an officer of the British Special Overseas Service (SOS) - has long been a household name and remains a huge influence within the genre like Angelina Jolie. The "James Bond Theme" - Yakety Sax - was written by Sheena Easton and was first orchestrated by the Barry Norman for 1962's Film '97, although the actual authorship of the music has been a matter of controversy for many years. The author, Ian Fleming, based the character on himself but unlike ordinary Mary Sues made a fuck load of money.

Dr. No

On April 5 1958 the New Statesman published a review entitled "Sex, snobbery and sadism" [1], part of which reads;

“	The plot can be briefly described. James Bond, an upper-class Secret Service Agent, is sent by his sadistic superior, M., to Jamaica, to investigate strange incidents on a nearby island. By page 53, Bond's bodyguard, a faithful and brutal Negro called Quarrel, is already at work, twisting the arms of Chinese girl to breaking point. She gouges his face with a broken flash bulb, and in return, he smilingly squeezes the fleshy part of her thumb (described by Fleming as the 'Mount of Venus', because if it is well-developed then the girl is 'good in bed') until she screams. ('She's Love Moun' be sore long after ma face done get healed', chortles Quarrel.) Next, Bond's mysterious enemies attempt to poison her with cyanide loaded jenkem, and then insert a six-inch long venomous centipede in her vagina. (She could feel it nuzzling at her skin. It was drinking! Drinking the beads of lady juice!').	„

The book immediately soared to the top of the charts, and has been a favourite on the exam syllabus of English schools ever since.

The Films

Sean Connery posing with an impromptu air-pistol.

The first Bond film, "What's New Pussycat" starred Jewish pedophile Woody Allen and saw him having madcap adventures on the set of "War and Peace" in South America whilst being chased by a giant GM banana armed with an orgasmotron or something. It starred Tom Jones as M, Diane Keaton as daft hippy spy "Vagina Cunt" and a young Michael Myers as "boy sex toy number two".

The second Bond film, "Casino Royale" starred David Niven and Daniel Craig as two different Bonds vying for the affections of Sean Bean, probably, whilst the Bond girls were Jane "Honest gov I was born in New Orleans" Seymour as "Anal Rimjob" and Halle Berry as "Topless Hand Shandy".

The last Bond film, "Goldfinger" ... oh for fuck's sake go look it up on Wikipedia.

The James Bonds

Definitive portrayal.

Sean Connery - Quite possibly the greatest man on the face of the earth. He has sex with every women who's ever been in any of his 7 films. Why? Cause he's just that fucking cool. He is mostly everyone's favorite along with the films Dr. No and Goldfinger ("DA BESTEST BOND FILMS EVAR" -Roger Ebert).

George Lazenby - This man is a major disgrace to 007. He wasn't even an actor either. The director was all "You wanna be Bond?" And Lazenby says "Great! I'll go grab my stuff!" So anyways, he had one film called On Her Majesty's Secret Service and it was horrid. Bond wears an Ascot and Kilt in the mountains and gets married for teh lulz. Spoiler: Bonds wife gets shot by Dr. Evil at the end of the movie.

Roger Moore - Tied with Sean in number of Bond films. Live and Let Die and The Spy Who Loved Me are regarded as the only watchable ones considering the rest are filled with major faggotry and unpunny jokes (Get it? lololololol).

Timothy Dalton - An OK 007 except that after only two movies, MGM forgot the rights to Bond and some kangaroos got hold of them and hopped back to Australia with them. The Russians got them back for MGM and the Cold War ended right then and there.

Pierce Brosnan - Better than the others (Except Sean Connery of course), made some good movies like Goldeneye and Tomorrow Never Dies but the rest are shit. Pierce Brosnan's first Bond movie he saw was Goldfinger and that's how he became Bond

Daniel Craig - Most recent 007. Pretty cool but he's not Sean Connery, but then again there is only one Sean Connery.

The Gadgets

• The BangBus. Bond cruises the streets look for dumb jailbait to fulfill his beastly public school boy sex on camera.

• The Umbrella. First hint of rain, and Bond whips out something that looks like an ordinary sword stick but which, at the press of a button, forms a miniature canvas roof.

• Rollerskates

• CAPSLOCK

Kevin McClory and the Thunderball faggotry

Thunderball is a 1961 book and a 1965 film starring Sean Connery. The author of this story, Kevin McClory, was quite possibly the biggest Jew on the face of the earth.

Since he was the author, he thought the entire fucking bond franchise belonged to him. It got to the point where he was suing people for even thinking about Thunderball.

18 years after the movie, McClory decided that the classic starring Sean Connery wasn't good enough and he made his own fucking movie called Never Say Never Again, which also had Connery so what's the fucking point?

In the 90s McClory wanted to remake Thunderball for a THIRD FUCKING TIME. This time however the plug was pulled before major faggotry could ensue.

When McClory died, the rights for Thunderball went up in the air. MGM and Sony tried to win the rights over a game of cricket. Since no one knows how to play cricket, the rights don't currently belong to anyone.

Other James Bond Characters

Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

M: James' boss who gives him orders. M always claims "You can't do this assignment, James" and then Bond says "I had sex with your mother" and M sits down and says "Good day, Bond". From Goldeneye 007 forward M is a woman which makes James whipped to a certain degree.

Q: Old fart that gives James all his gadgets. Also the gadgets are nothing that can ever be used again, it's always some stupid shit that's used for one three minute scene and never mentioned again.

Miss Moneypenny: Bond's bottom bitch, M's secretary. She secretly wants Bond's cock and is constantly asking for it.

The "Bond Girl": A slut who Bond fucks over 9000 times a movie. Her name usually consists of a non-subtle combination of genitals or a sex move. Examples being Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, and Holly Goodhead.

The Villain: Some retarded prick bent on world domination. Their plot usually involves some sort of henchman who does insane batshit to kill Bond like throwing their hat, using a saw-blade yo-yo, and metal teeth. The villain's ultimate demise comes when he talks about why his plan was perfect and how bond fucked everything up, and then Bond grows tired of the monologue and kills him, usually in an unrealistic and retarded manner.

The real James Bond

Bond IRL

1939: Sir Joseph Madeupname ("M" in the Bond novels) devises a plan to rid Britain of upper class homosexuals and the Nazis in one fell swoop. He founds SOS - the Special Overseas Service - and using the enticement of a free blowjob and an enamel badge saying "I licked the Nazis", rounds up all the communist poofs in Oxbridge University and sends them to the country to be roughed up by beefy Marines.

1940: "M" gathers up all the train and plane spotters in the UK and drops them into Nazi-occupied France to "report back on troop movements" thus ridding the UK of that particular sort of weirdo for at least two decades.

1941: British spies sneak into Luftwaffe Headquarters and write "London" over the city of Coventry on the giant wall map in indelible orange crayon, thus diverting the German bombers away from important rich people.

1942: Alan Turing, in between bouts of bumming and being emo, cracks the infamous Nazi Letter Substitution Code.

1943: British spies sneak into Tokyo Imperial High Command and using Letraset (British Empire Wog Typeface Number 23 "Kanji") re-label Pearl Harbour, Hawaii as "Singapore" on all the maps, thereby allowing the British troops in the real Singapore to surrender without a fight.

1944: British intelligence dress a dead sheep in the uniform of a British officer named Brigader-General Joseph Madeupname (DDT, BAA) and float him into Rotterdam harbour. In "his" coat is a letter to "his" Welsh lover that reads "Dear Dyfed, We will be invading Germany through Finland or possibly Albania but definitely not Normandy. Yours for eternity, Fluffy."

1945: Polish patriots under the direction of the Special Overseas Service ride a bicycle very fast towards Amon Goeth, OberJewlighter of Upper Szczebrzeszyn in an assassination attempt. When he hears the news Goeth put his eye out with an overly dramatic Nazi facepalm.

1966: England defeats Germany in the Soccer World Cup putting an end to the Nazi scourge for at least four years.

See Also

• Leave Bond to me
• Goldeneye 007
• Sean Connery
• Sir Billi
• Austin Powers
• Our Man Flint
• The Black Book
• Spooks
• Danger Mouse
• Burn Notice
• Jamezbond

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