Ass Vegan: Difference between revisions
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Warning! This page was written and edited by someone with a slight mental deficiency. |
Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit User_talk:Las_vegan.
Raised by self hating coyotes and captured in Cleveland at the age of 47, Ass Vegan likes to play prison daddy to Littlefag's bathroom bitch on Swineglish. Ass Vegan and Littlefag do their best to disguise their obvious homoerotic feelings for each other by engaging in a penis measuring contest where they compete for the cyber-affections of the sad ass middle aged housewives that make up the majority of the overwhelming Swenglish user base.
Enjoying many love affairs with the less than lovely ladies (camwhores)of the day: Blondie, Aneud and Littlefag, Ass Vegan has the sort of reputation that many would die of. His winning ways are a constant source of inspiration to those that follow his teachings e.g 'Whip it in, whop it out and wipe it' (on the curtains). This may be why the wife took the children and fled the country. It certainly wasn't his drug problem or his traditional family values.
To relax, there's nothing more Ass Vegan likes than to kick back and watch the latest snuff porn movie at the highly prestigous 'Peewee Herman Theatre', taking with him his usual boy-about-town accessories of binoculars, gloves, binds and duct tape. Most of his expressed sexual fantasies involve dominating women and causing them discomfort or humiliation.
Among his more colourful claims are "family" connections. Women are apparently attracted to sordid stories of relatives in organized crime. The reality is that Ass Vegan is a mafia fanboy who has watched Casino a few too many times. While he claims to be a pilot, it is commonly believed the closest he's ever come to flying a plane is taking his laptop to the airport and playing Microsoft Flight Simulator. In addition, he purports to have a hacker brother-in-law. It's unclear whether all this is intended to impress or intimidate his audience. It succeeds in providing many lulz for spectators.
Ladies Man
Ass Vegan's primary use of the Internet is to prey on women. With his erectile difficulties (as evidenced by the picture of his half-flaccid cock, he can't be a normal sexual predator. Instead he gets off on attention whore stunts and preying on the emotions of needy, desperate women who can't get laid IRL and need to pretend they are attractive on the Internets in order to not quit IRL forever. Among the dubious notches on his digital bedpost are the frigid bitch Kang, the cyber slut Cyberfluff, the grotesque camwhore Blondie, and the con-girl Aneud. Currently he is pursuing the attention whore Esme, which has caused much Internet drama on Swenglish, resulting in both Esme and Ass Vegan being banned and seeking solace in each other's e-arms while Blondie bemoans his betrayal in her blog.
Kang
Rumours of a torrid cyberaffair with Kang started to circulate after she began throwing jealous fits and making snide remarks to any other women Ass Vegan addressed on The Local. The rumors were confirmed by overhearing a conversation between Kang and Voodoo at The Rover. While Kang was on holiday in Sweden adn unable to provide 24/7 ego-stroking, Ass Vegan threw her over for British camwhore Blondie.
Kang maintains that the relationship was "just friends" however on her return from Sweden and discovery of the Ass Vegan/Blondie e-Bliss, she immediately began to make snide remarks about Blondie's looks and intellect.
Ass Vegan denies that he's still in love with Kang. We all know he LIES!!! If you don't believe me check out his emails to Kang.
- "I am ok I am just sick of the shit and I am going to pray for you everyday and I dont even pray you are going to be fine"
Isn't that sweet???????????
Yeah. Sweet. It's definitely love when someone tells you they are going to pray for you, despite being sick of the shit.
Blondie
Proudly sported the moniker Blondie, aka 'The Local Flirt' while participating on the Local forum. Blondie is well known for her biting wit and uncanny intellect. Much sought after for her sage wisdom and advice, she ever so lovingly plasters her posts with faux affection and tons of cyber-kisses and hugs. When she goes missing/astray, all one needs to do is pop a cork. She'll respond in a Pavlovian fashion to the mere mention of wine, rolling over, begging, spreading her hind legs and panting profusely.
While Kang was vacationing in Sweden, Blondie (coincidentally the name of Hitler's dog) moved in on the tragic hero, drawn by his stories of familial hardship and his repeated assertions of wealth beyond her dole rat dreams. However even the atavistic Ass Vegan quickly grew tired of her needy fawning and released her back into the wild to be mounted by any of the other omega-males that could actually be bothered to follow her ageing poon-tangy scent.
Blondie barks at Esme
- i dont know who you are and i dont really give a shit to be honest!
me and brian talk for hours everyday and have done for 4 months maybe he is playing with us both i dont know! but thats the score take it or leave it i have just this very eve come back from my holiday and i have been faced with shit that i thought was not possible!!! regards blondie aka zoe brians bit (!)
- i (me) and brian are 'more' that friends you muppet!!!!!
i go away for 2 weeks and come back to all this shit i dont know what has been going on (and i dont want to ) but i have talked to bri tonight as i always do so back off give the cybersex to one who likes it
- touche you come anywhere near me and i will report you too
ps you have made my baby cry with the photo so thanx! now go away thingy and leave me and brian alone
After that I fucked his brains out. He liked it. Alot.
Esme
The nubile party-girl Esme appeared on Swenglish around the same time that Blondie left for holiday in Spain. Any bets on what happened?
Cybersex logs where Ass Vegan gets his freak on. He goes by "Rachel" and "Chicago" though why he cybers as a woman I don't know. And he has a weird ass fetish.
- I hope you like my tongue in your ass!
- your ass tastes perfect
- your ass is being so hardly fucked (wtf?)
He sent me this after I posted the logs lol lol lol lol and hes still lying!!!!!!!!
Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2006 06:20:16 -0700 (PDT)
From: Brian Glasgow
Subject: amazing
To: esmedooodah
Amazing part about you is that you think I grew up in this little rich family. I and my Brother put our selves through school. Everything I told you is the truth as pitifull as it sounds. You are too caught up in small town life. We are the outcasts of the family. Maybe for the best. I don't want to fight with you. I have never had any romantic thing with any of them. Just mellow out I miss you for who you are and I don't care if you were worth millions I just like you. Money sucks. If you think I am a lier check this www.faa.gov. Just a start for you, I have no reason to lie. I have always had a hard time getting hard relationships because my Family always comes out in the end so just trust me I talk no shit. Hard to believe but I am am who I say I am no lies. I am 35 years old and it is hard to say who I am and I am sick of it, you are a good girl just please if you want to talk to me just say "I am sorry" it goes a long way. and I am sorry if I offended you in any way I am loyal to death. Tell me to go fuck myself but I can tell you this I would never post a picture of you EVER! They die with me. You have to understand that that that wikepedia site is garbage, you acused me of having something to do with Marnie, never happened. Maybe if you posted at tl you would be hated too and rumors would come about you also. Well all in your thoughts no hard feelings
He still sends me mail!!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL!!! Loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Brian Glasgow <[email protected]>
Date: Oct 28, 2006 7:45 PM
Subject: bravo!
To: esmedoodah
Wow you have really worked hard on that page, funny as hell. Keep up the good work!
The Best of Ass Vegan
If you promised to never use the Internet again, I'd pay for thse surgery you need to be able to accomplish that feat, tubby.
Is this why you're half hard all the time, tubby?
Pilots drink alot don't they? (Note: Not rly, only US Airways..)
http://www.thelocal.se/discuss/viewtopic.php?p=78589#78589
You know your wife is gone when?
- 1 you judge the filth of your socks by how crispy they are then you just throw the f^uckers out, that is her job right?
- 2 Ramen noodles are considered a 3 star meal
- 3 the word T.V. dinner makes you salivate
- 4 what the f^ck is a vegtable
- 5 fruit what the hell is that, I thought that was a gay guy
- 6 you refuse to wash your underware, hell you don't know how to use the damn washing machine anyway, so you freeball everyday.
- 7 you are too lazy to go to the store so you start using femine wash in the shower, she left it behind right, waste not want not.
- 8 the word "jerk off" becomes a part of your everyday life.
- 9 you ask yourself "what the f^ck is a dishwasher
- 10 every godamn plant in your house is dead
- 11 you lose so much weight your dogs are howling at you
- 12 your floors look like they are growing, and mine are wooden
- 13 there is shit growing in your frige that resembles alien sludge
- 14 you have so many newspapers laying around that if the fire chief stopped by your house will be deemed a fire hazard
- 15 you eat things that not even somebody from Ethiopia would, hell they would rather starve to death
- 16 dog food smells good to you
- 17 you start pissing outside because you are too scared to see what your toilet looks like today
- 18 you think you are living in a morgue from the stenches that you house is putting out
- 19 you can't find any goddamn thing, where the hell is the bleach, what is that anyway
- 20 bitch!
lol lol lol lol lol wonder what the wife would think of that!!!!!!!!!
So profound, it has been used on two forums; Swineglish and The Local. Verbatim.
Women Beware
Uses multiple names to hide his real identity. Has been known to use
- [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
- Rachel for googlechat and cybersex
- Chicago Soixante-Neuf for googlechat and cybersex
- Brazil. New alt on The Local.
- YouTube user name is commpilot4308 - vry original
- Classmates.com member - Valley High Las Vegas NV Class of 1989 with the photo taken from ED page
- Reunion.com - He's on it. Apparently.
- Yahoo! Answers - Pretending to have legitimate answers to questions about being a pilot. Again, asshole, Microsoft Flight Simulator does not a pilot make you!
- Major League Baseball - Tech skills failing him again, limpdick seeks assistance on forum using notorious email address.
Future Plans
It has been assumed that Ass Vegan's obvious hatred of women and halfhearted jibes towards fags are clear evidence that he wants to marry Littlefag. The general consensus is that this may be good them both, so long as neither of them wants to have (each other's) children.
The question on everyone's lips of course is, Which one is Arthur and who'll be Martha? Top experts suggest that yellow teeth could clash with a nice white frock.
Stay tuned for developing news on the nuptials.
Updates
ClASSmates.com page says his whiskey dick and he are now happy living in Sweden with the wife who left him and the kids who don't know him anymore. Seen on Nordic homo community living as an out bi in Sweden.
