Madonna: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 02:46, 31 October 2011
Many decades ago, pop-music scientists created the vagina golem that the entertainment press would call Madonna. This project was undertaken in order to pave the way for countless generations of over-sexed pop music starlets who would be known more for their scandalous exploits outside the studio than for lousy generic music. Others had popularized songs about sex or money or sex for money before Madonna's career began, and at the time that her first single broke, there was nothing innovative about dull, plodding 'romance' songs that lack the understated expressive qualities of emo high-school poetry. Madonna's genius lay in taking all of the above and marrying it to Dumpster-grade clothing and on-stage parodies of ecstatic eroticism.
Madonna still lives, but is only ever seen at awards shows, where she lovingly embraces other gynoids in her veiny, muscular yoga arms.
In 2006, Madonna pulled an Angelina Jolie and abducted a niglet from the Dark Continent [1] in hopes that having a small child around might remind her own dessicated uterus that there could be more to life than just serving as a carrying case for personal-trainer semen. Turns out the baby daddy didn't care much for this and has publicly stated that he wants his baby back baby back baby back ribs [2].
Visitors To Her Vagina
Madonna's supposed sex appeal early in her career was one of the greatest gifts that the Gay Agenda ever gave itself. Madonna was propagandized as a hot bitch that everyone wanted to fuck. The homosexual division of the liberal media put forth the implication that she wielded a breathtaking level of sexual experience that, if you could somehow manage to claim it as your own, would seriously fuck your shit up.
Countless boys between the ages of 10 and 17 were taken in by the implied promise of transcendental sex, and were lured to her concerts. Here, their impressionable young minds were stained beyond repair by the exposure to buff, muscular men in scanty clothing, and as a result made the decision to become homosexual.
In this way, the Gay Agenda managed to swell its ranks and influence even further.
There's A Sucker Born Every Minute
In 1979, photographer Lee Friedlander paid an unknown dancer $25 to sit for some nude portraits. The dancer who Friendlander photographed was a 20 year old, pre-fame Madonna. In 2009, Christie's auction house expected to sell the black and white 13 x 8 print of one of the full frontal nude photos of Madonna for $10,000-15,000 dollars. However, the print actually sold at auction for $37,500 -- more than double its pre-sale estimate.
The photograph's high selling price is linked to its potential military applications. One stray glance at the wild overgrowth that is Madonna's vagina could likely turn entire armies to stone.
The photo's posted right here on this page. Assuming you don't go blind, disperse it throughout ED and the web for the Lulz. Who knows? It might be just the bitchslap losers need to get Madonna's 50-year-old wrinkly ass out of their sexual fantasizing altogether.
'Donna Does Derbyshire
In 2000, Madonna married the guy from the Richie Rich movie and moved to Dear Old Blighty. Eight years later, Madonna and her husband informed the world that they were giving their marriage the flick.
Rumors had it that her rusty, cobwebbed vagina just wasn't doing it for him anymore, and one source who claimed to know the husband quoted him as saying "[g]ot to the point I couldnae tear me eyes from dem varicose veins onna vadge, innit? Know what it's like tae pull yer tadger outtae der dry goods, an' yer ole feller's slathered in some bird's crotch scabs? Puked me plowman's right in 'er pelvis, didn' I?" Some called into question the authenticity of this quote, citing numerous problems with the inaccurate British grammar and slang, but most people don't give a tin shit about how Limeys actually talk.
In anticipation of Madge's return to the singles' scene, many personal trainers are scarring their faces with acid, hoping to ward off the palsied advances of a former sex symbol.
Upcoming Album
.com is an upcoming album by Madonna. True to form, Madonna hired the hippest producers she could find; as always, the main criteria Madge uses to define "hip" can be boiled down to "30 years younger than Madonna".
Critics who have listened to demos have been unanimous in their opinions:
- "a whirling crap dervish"
- "a waste of money, time and good will"
- "An awful, monotonous album, could have been written by a 5-year-old"
Track Listing
- So Old (So Dry)
- Robot Feelings
- Running Time
- Future Song
- Third Millenium
- Love You Baby (Spears)
- FutureLove/SexSounds (Timberlake)
- Dirty Intentions
- Future World
- Electroniclife
- So Old (So Dry) (reprise)
Religious Observances
In an attempt to boost her waning popularity, Madonna recently transitioned from being a Detroit Catholic to being an English Jew. Specifically, she became an adherent of cartoon Kabbalah. This tactic failed because Kabbalah is nowhere near as amusing as Scientology, which comes pre-installed with zany celebrities and Xenu.
In contrast, Kabbalah apparently features wristbands.
—Madonna's eloquent defense of Tom Cruise) |
Gallery
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Madonna needs moar than one... religion -
Artist's illustration of Madonna developing her dance routine in her early years.
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Madonna is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
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Madonna is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |
| Madonna is part of a series on people who have slept with Rubberduc 
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Nomadlisa • Rob Levin • Andrewpants • San Francisco • Girlvinyl JWZ • Hepkitten • Bradfitz • Weev • Sloth • Ghettofinger • Battlecry |
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