Xbox Live/Xbox Moron Saga
Moar info: Xbox Live.
So this hipster from the Fishtown neighborhood of Philadelphia, Jesse "McFearsome" McPherson, who works for Comcast as a computer engineer and enjoys playing Guitar Hero, went to SXSW in March, 2008. When he returned, some turdmongler(s) had broken into his flat on St. Patrick's Day via a window and boosted his XBOX, flat screen telly, and a fucked-up Macintosh P-P-P-Powerbook.
The braintrust(s) responsible grabbed the wrong charger for the laptop, and one fucktard promptly headed to the nearest pawn shop, probably to get some cash for his meth habit, where he was videotaped from every angle (except maybe a direct close-up shot up his pooper) so Jesse and most of the Internet could see the cockfarmer in great detail, including his terrible fashion sense (shirt four sizes too big), fugly tattoo on his right arm, crappy douchenozzle haircut, and stank chain necklace.
P(a)WNCAM PIX!
http://lh4.google.com/Enochrisen/R9tA_x6VbkI/AAAAAAAABaY/f1SkbQdixfA/100_1736.JPG.jpg http://lh5.google.com/Enochrisen/R9tBBB6VblI/AAAAAAAABag/UIuUM_9N-xg/100_1737.JPG.jpg http://lh3.google.com/Enochrisen/R9tBCh6VbmI/AAAAAAAABao/a9wbtV7kHM4/100_1738.JPG.jpg
The pawn shop owner DID NOT WANT a fucked-up Mac lappy with the wrong adaptor and sent the duplicitous 16-year-old-boy packing. Incidentally, the very first pawn shop Jesse called had the culprit on film. The thief didn't even bother to travel too far from the site of the crime.
Later, Jesse received a replacement XBOX from his sympathetic co-workers, plugged it in, logged into his XBOX Live account and a retard ("I iRaNDoM I") started voice-mailing Jesse taunts (MP3) (which included racial epiphets (both Jesse and the moron are Caucasians) and an admission that he stole Jesse's XBOX) and saying that if Jesse wanted it back, he'd have to pay $200.00 for it. Alas, the knucklehead's XBOX Live account had all his juicy POWER WORD info attached to it. Jesse shared online what he had learned about the cretin.
The blog entry that started it all: "WOW, You’re a MORON!".
At that point, it was ON.
Eventually the Philly po-po awakened and showed up, dusted for prints and filed a report, but did not seem moved by Jesse's plight enough to DO anything about arresting the culprits.
Suddenly, a wild Internetz appeared!
After Emo Guy Jesse blogged about his misfortune, his entry was Dugg, and the Intarweebz got cracking and dropped dox far and wide.
Result: Within hours, one wigga was BAAAWWWing (posts and messages from his "TaBbiThA'S...(something long and retarded in TXTSPK goes here)" account on MySpace were particularly hilarious), anxious wigga moms were trying to cover up for their scumbag sons by lying for them, and, eventually, the return of the stolen XBOX (in a classy white Hefty bag on Jesse's doorstep). Also, the alleged thief who was videotaped in the pawnshop got scared and made a personal appearance to hand over the Mactop and to lie about how Some Guy sold it to him on the street.
EPILOGUE:
Alas, the stolen flatscreen TV was never returned, but as the alleged thieves (Joe Groehn (a.k.a. "Grone"), Joey Miller and / or the possibly fictitious Anthony Sheridan that one wigga mom claimed was the real Bad Dude behind everything) are in the process of having their shit totally fucked up and their lives ruined by The Intarweebz, Jesse has graciously decided not to make a big stink about it, nor will he press charges (NO ASSRAPE FOR U TODAY); he will just go get another TV. It is rumoured that he will also probably improve the security of his windows, perhaps by buying a dog (a cat is fine too) and some curtains.
The spare XBOX his co-workers donated to him will be sold, and proceeds will go to charity (Child's Play).
Score:
THE INTERNET & Jesse McPherson: Over 9,000!!
Theiving Wigga Methhead Assholes: 0
Joe Groehn (Grone) and Joey Miller's Lying Trailer Trash Moms: 0
Harvey the Rabbit and Anthony "Some Guy" Sheridan: 0
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Don't piss off The Internet. (Can't sleep, Internet Vigilantes will eat me!?)
Clean up your ratdog's poos, or face the wrath of all of Korea.
Stealing is bad, mm'kay? Even if it is a T-Mobile Sidekick.
Also, being an Inbred Jed wigga is punishment in and of itself. (Also, the internet became his personal army)
